sodetermined

It is a big IF, and even reading through that, even with all that he promises, I still can't bring myself to believe that it's true, and that will happen. I don't trust in him. I just keep telling myself that living with me would be his BEST shot at it. And I guess if waiting for this time, IF he recovers, it would be worth it. The thing I need to focus on though, is my life without him IF he chooses not to continue recovery.

.

Same as above.

Yes they are exactly what I want and I'm sure he knows that, he knows me. And I told him I don't trust him, and I told him that actions speak louder than words. I mean he is charming, he has always been, and when he was in the probation center before I got letters, too. They seem different this time, but maybe I need to get out and reread those, maybe they really aren't different. He just seems so into God now and says he has decided this time that he is done, he says he knows he is and he talks about the meetings that he goes to and said he's gonna get a sponsor. But I guess he doesn't have anything else to do, huh? Like someone already said.

LaTeeDa

Yeah, I used to think I was all that, too.

L

denny57

and more, in my case.

FormerDoormat

Isn't it convenient how that happens? What's really telling to me is this: anyone who will use God as a vehicle to manipulate others will stop at nothing to get their way.

What he wants: A co-dependent partner to put up with his BS.

What you want: The object of your obsession.

Neither of these things is healthy.

prodigal

'Cause no matter what anyone posts you are hanging onto this fantasy about being happy with this addict. YOU ARE MISERABLE. Wishes and dreams do not make us happy. Other people do not make us happy. Heck, who even said life came with a guarantee we would be happy???

Right now, when I read your posts, I am talking to an addict. He drinks and drugs whether he lives with you or not. So if it works for you, keep insisting that his "best shot" is living with you. If you truly believe his best chance of recovery hinges on his being a member of your household, then go for it.

GiveLove

With two visits a week, one for you, one for someone else, you think this was a MIXUP? Two. One, two. How do you mix that up? Anyway, that's not what I wanted to say.

There's a great counselor named Byron Katie who teaches people how to recognize What Is. Not What If, Maybe, Perhaps, I Think, just what is true now, in this moment.

What Is, in this situation, appears to be that you are considering letting a man with a history of violence and substance abuse, whose family hates you for doing the right thing for YOU, who does not have a job, who does not have a car, and who now has a jail record, move back into your house because:
1) he wants to, and he is not accustomed to anyone saying no to him, and
2) you believe you can rescue him

I do not hear one word that indicates you are concerned about your children, about your own dreams for this one life you've been given. The books you've ordered are to deal with him. The things you say about "you" in response to prodigal are also all about him. Your daily thoughts revolve around him, and what his lousy family has to say about you. You seem to have given little thought to what day-to-day life with a jobless, carless, self-centered, recovering alcoholic is going to be like.

Especially one who doesn't even care enough about you to count to two. One, two.

I too made a similar choice long ago, and am still suffering the emotional consequences. It took me years and years and years to recover even to this tiny ledge I'm on, where I feel okay about myself.

This is your chance to save yourself and your kids, confused, and you are turning your back on it. It is your choice, just write this moment down in your journal and be prepared to defend it ten or twenty years from now when your kids look you in the eye and say, "What were you thinking, mom? Why would you do that?"

Take care of yourself. He's certainly not going to.

sodetermined

GiveLove,

I have one of Byron Katie's books entitled "I Need Your Love - Is That True", I probably could read it again though, and probably need to.

I am aware that I again am obsessing over him too much and want to work on changing that, and focus more on me, and Ryan. We do not have children together, he has kids from a previous marriage.

I guess I still am hoping for the fairy tale...there isn't one, is there? Not in this case, and I am sure you are right in that even if he continues recovery life will not be peachy keen for a long while. Will it?

prodigal

So he has a plan to work on his addictions and you have a plan to stop obsessing over him. Thus far, everyone is talking about all these plans. Is anybody actually getting off their duff and WORKING these plans???

Astro

I've read this thread a few times since yesterday, there've been so many great replies that I can't add much, but I'd like to share a few quick thoughts from the alcoholics viewpoint.

I've spent the last few years being angry and resentful at my ex for kicking me out, taking me away from seeing my kids every day, getting remarried too soon, and taking away the home we brought for a family. I'm pouting because I was left standing alone, the person I loved and married took my life away from me. But I'm grateful that she did what was necessary to protect herself and our children, and if nothing else it got me to take a hard look at my actions and behaviors and to seek recovery in AA.

The point I'm trying to make is that I doubt I would've stayed sober if she'd agreed to let me stay. After 11 years of manipulating, lying, and controlling our marriage with verbal and mental abuse I'm sure I would've picked up again once the air cleared and everything washed over like it usually did.

Just speaking for myself, I tried emails our first couple months apart. My motive was to manipulate and soften her with charm. When it didn't work the emails got uglier, to the point where she had a restraining order that included electronic communication.

When I was newly sober I threw myself on the floor a few times and begged God "not to do this to me". Please God, don't take my marriage, home, and family away. When he didn't do what I asked, I got pissed at God and cursed his name. I stayed that way for 6 months, an angry dry drunk. It was the God of my understanding that brought me to my knees, that's the God I have as a result of practicing the 12 Steps, going to meetings every day, and knowing that it's "thy will, not mine, be done" if I want to stay sober.

It had to be my choice to seek recovery, stay sober, and turn my will and life over to God every day. Nobody else can do that for me.

I wish you only the best in your recovery, Soconfused, and I hope you'll try some more Al-Anon meetings. Keep reading and posting on SR too, there's much support and love to benefit from here.

Scott

sodetermined

Wow. Thank you so much for giving the viewpoint from the other side, it was very enlightening for me to read, very helpful.

You were using manipulation and were well aware of what you were doing? I just sometimes wonder if he believes the stuff he writes or if he's just saying whatever I want to hear.

I was so hesitant to post and am always so glad when I do...it just kinda brings me back to reality where I need to be.

Astro

The scary part is that I was doing it sober. Without an active program of recovery, my behavior and motives weren't changing at all.

carolineb

Scott~

Thank you for this post. Your entire post is one of the most insightful, well written posts I have ever read on SR. Reassures me on a day when I can always use reminding that complete detachment is the best. God Bless You in your continued journey.