EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I had a meeting last night... the topic was letting go. When it was my turn to share, I talked about how hard I have worked to "let go" of the need to obsess and control my husbands behaviors. But what I ended up discovering was how the LOSS of control is haunting and discouraging me now.

I LIKED being the responsible one; the one who took care of everything so that we could survive. I liked that MY role in the relationship made me feel important and essential. And perhaps it was leverage for me... when he drank, I was allowed to come down on him and BLAME him for my unhappiness.

And if you can believe it, these words were ringing in my ear as I left the meeting last night... "I hope he relapses - Because then I'll have the excuse to kick him out... THEN I'll be in control again" I know! I can't believe I was thinking that.

It's true what they say about "getting used to the chaos"... I function better in crisis

Thanks
meg

Daria

Emotional Meg - I hear ya. I like the drama and the chaos too. When it wasn't there - I used to create it. It's hard when it stops because I know I lost a sense of
who I was.
Of course - there is plenty within in ME to deal with - just never did -till now.

It sounds great, what you're doing. You're dealing. It's challenging and unnerving.
Soon the dust will settle -and you can start focusing on YOU and your goals
and intentions for YOUR life, and let your guy start dealing with his!
It sounds like progress !! All the best to you .

Love and Blessings, Daria

asutton

Hi Meg,

I just wanted to let you know that I've been there and I understand. WE DO get used to the chaos. I've been doing some research on codependency in the past few days and everything I've read lists the same characteristics. We need to be needed in relationships, we need to be in control, we try to prevent the disasters from happening, and how we feel depends on what is going on with them.

I've noticed that in the past month that my BF has been clean and seeming to be on the right track (new job, step group, etc.) I've had this left out feeling. He doesn't need me to remind him to pay his bills or tell him what not to do, and I don't like it. Before, I got this feeling of satisfaction from "fixing" him, even though it never actually did any good in the long run, he had to "fix" himself. I liked feeling that I was "Superwoman" for making sure everything got done, and got done right. But I have come to realize that it is not healthy for me to get my happiness or self worth from that. It's like the bully on the playground who feels better about himself when he hurts other people. I should be happy that he's doing so well, but I keep thinking about when it will all go downhill again and what I will do to clean up the mess.

I know, its sick thinking, but at least we are not the only ones who think crazy things like that. I am trying to get used to being responsible for myself and finding some happiness in my own accomplishments, or at least in fixing my own disasters, instead of his. That way, if the s**t does hit the fan, I don't have to feel like its me who's failed. I am not responsible for preventing his addiction or curing it. No matter how good it feels to be the rescuer, it is so much easier to have the peace of mind of worrying about me and only me.

I hope it helps to know that somebody understands. It is huge that you are at least aware of your thoughts and feelings about this. Good luck to you, and keep on posting!

Sarah2003

(((((((Meg))))))))

These changes are so difficult at times, aren't they?

I realized the same thing recently.....during our entire marriage, I would secretly be happy when he would mess up, because for a short time afterwards, I was the one in control. (how sick is that???) For a few short days after an alcohol-related incident, he would be the giving, attentive, caring husband I dreamed of having. Then it wouldn't take long for him to slide back into those old patterns, even if he were sober. That was our dance for many, many years.

I'm done with that dance. I'm realizing that I deserve to be treated that way all of the time, not just when he messes up.

I also realized that those were the only times that I felt secure. That feeling of security that one should have in a healthy marriage. That is the feeling that I've always craved more than anything. It's not about physical safety, but about having a partner who you can depend on.

Take care, Meg. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

S

prettywoman

It makes a lot of sense what you are saying and itis all part of the healing process. Keep getting the serenity back and keep woking on yourself.....I know....sometimes one can get sick on focusing on oneself lol but trust me it will be OK! Be good to yourself and treat yourself to a lot of love.

You so used to living in chaos that it has become a normal life for you , believe me it is not . EVERYTHING will be OK! You are a beautiful person, one I become to love and respect and never even met you!


Hug

EmotionalMeg

Thanks so much guys,
I appreciate the replies because it makes me feel like I am not always going thru the emotions all by myself...

It's funny because I feel so strong and empowered. I KNOW the mistakes I have made, and will never make them again. I have moved on from being the weak, enabling, highly emotional (well... I might hold on to that one )"walk all over me" kind of person. I will always be codependant but I will at least RECOGNIZE the behavior and work to change it... I'll be "working my program" for the rest of my life, and thats just fine with me.

BUT... I still have a yearning to step into the past... to visit the "former" me every once in a while - because it feels so comfortable. I am truly hoping that with time, I get more used to the ME I try to be today... perhaps IT will be second nature

And prettywoman... thanks for the vote of confidence .
I find strength in you as well - and you have been given such a wonderful opportunity to shine... take care of yourself and your precious family.

Meg