really_fed_up

So I got another email from Jane...in this one she said she'd been "keeping her distance" from me because she was "so hurt" by my refusal to help her out anymore. She tried to pull more of the guilt thing--"I KNOW your husband put you up to this....it was a HUGE HASSLE for me to have to move my stuff to a new place alone...I don't honestly see WHY you think you're 'enabling' me when I'm NOT drinking..." and so on. I got mad, and then I calmed down and wrote a civil and calm reply to the effect of: "Jane, I understand you are angry, but I hope you can understand my point, too. I am tired of being involved in your alcoholism. Continuing to help you is enabling--it would not allow you to feel the full consequences of your actions. This I am separating myself from this. I have heard from mom and dad that you are going to a therapist, and I am proud of you for that. I sincerely hope you will continue to seek treatment and that you will enter __________ facility once a room is available. I'm sure you realize by now that only YOU can do this, and if you continue to work towards sobriety, you will get stronger. I do love you very much and wish you all the best. Signed: Love, RFU".

I'm determined not to fall back into the guilt trap again...but one thing that's good--when I felt angry / guilty for a second after I read her email, I recalled a passage from this book I'd read that tells how addicts will manipulate and try to pull guilt trips and make you pity them and ultimately give in. When I thought of that, the guilt vanished.

So yay me!

GiveLove

Way to go, fed_up!!!!!!! You're amazing -- great response and great control.

peaceteach

I thought that was a beautiful letter you wrote, Fed. Full of grace and love.

carolineb

Well said.....firm, loving and detached. Good job you.

lexusgirl

Good for you sweetie!

cmc

Nice work! I always felt so much better when I was able to detach with love, be in control of my own emotions and reactions and set a firm boundary.

FormerDoormat

Yeah you is right! Very well done. If Jane were truly trying to "keep her distance" from you, she wouldn't be interested in e-mailing you, would she? You saw the purpose of her e-mail for what it was--a hook. Glad you didn't take the bait.

Kindeyes

Good job! That was a beautifully composed response to her.....loving, supportive (in a healthy way), detached. Keep up the good work!

gentle hugs

denny57

So yay you!!!!

really_fed_up

Thanks all...but I couldn't have done it without the wisdom I'm gaining (and continuing to gain) from this site. You are all a blessing! HUGS

Miss Pink

I just love a good guilt trip reaction when I enforce my boundaries.
It means the boundary is WORKING!

You go girl!