whatnow2

I'm having a really hard time right now not focusing on his behavior. I can't stop thinking about it. AH told me he hasn't drank in the last 3 days (I believe he was honest possibly 2 of them) and all I think about is I wonder what he's doing now...I want so much for him to be sober again. He was sober for about 16 years and then back in July it started again worse than it had ever been our whole marriage. Well he went out about 2 hours ago to buy "fuses". Hardware store is 15 minutes from our house...

I constantly ask him if he's been drinking. Very rarely he admits it, lies constantly. What's hard is that if he does tell the truth, I still don't believe him, because he's lied so often. He gets mad and says what difference does it make if I don't drink, you won't believe me anyways. He also told me once, while he was drunk, that if I don't want him to lie to me, then don't ask him....nice....

Anyways, I'm just getting more angry as the minutes tick by. I wanted a good night tonight...Maybe I'll go read my codependeny book. AH hates when I read my books. Says it teaches me to be cold. I guess that's it, thanks for listening, and if you have any advise on how not to obsess, please let me know.

Bernadette

Hey Whatnow2,

How not to obsess?

Holy Cow. That is a tall order! Certainly when I was more in the dark about alcoholism and co-dependency it was nearly impossible to stop obsessing. Nowadays, after many years of practice I have 2 tricks...
1. I just say to myself "Stop Obsessing!" Then I DO something like - draw, scream into a pillow for 5 minutes, go for a run, call a friend and talk about anything but the alkies in my life, go to a movie, fix a time for my next AlAnon meeting, or go online to SR and read this forum.

2. Look at a clock and tell myself I can obsess about this for X number of minutes...then, times up, turn my mind/body to something else (see above).

Remind yourself that obsessing does not change anything except YOUR own anxiety level.

Remind yourself that you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Everytime you ask your husband about his drinking you are actually feeding into a very unhealthy repetitive pattern that ultimately will damage YOU and will have NO EFFECT on your husband finding recovery.

Focus on yourself.

Make a plan, if you're interested, to get to an Alanon meeting. There you will find help and fellowship and relief from obsessing!!

Take it easy - it is SO HARD!! But you are free in this moment to choose YOUR thoughts, and your actions...
Sending you strength--
Peace
B.

denny57

I also set a time limit on my obsession. Lucky for me if I'm obsessing it seems to be in the morning when I wake up. Nothing like that to motivate me to get up!

I followed my doctor's advice and took long walks, too. I thought it would just be time to do nothing but obsess, but it didn't work that way. My mind would turn to other things, especially if I made the effort to look around at all I was walking by.

sketscher

I still obsess and I'm not even with an A anymore. Worry and obsession are very damaging.

More and more it seems Dr.'s recommend getting outside and walking or exercising is one of the best things for your mind. I know what denny57 means about losing your mind in the landscape.

Kindeyes

That stuck out for me. This may sound really strange but my a son has given me some interesting feedback over the years of his progressing addiction and some of it was quite good.

When you think about it, why ask the question if we aren't going to like the answer UNLESS it is the answer that WE want them to give? Why ask the question when the truthful answer is just going to tick us off? Why ask the questions when we know the answer will most likely be a lie?

I have stopped asking questions that are really emotional land mines (for me) disguised as questions. I have been trying to concentrate on responding (or not responding) to my A son's actions. It's working much better for me.

DESIGNER

I don't really have an answer for you but I really related to your post. For me the obsessing was all the time for me. I could not trust him and there were times when he had not been drinking that I thought he was and started a fight. I would look for little signs all the time. I knew that it was getting bad when he would walk through the door after being gone for a long time and I would look at him to determine if he had been drinking.
He told me later....which is typical of what they do......that when I did these things it made him want to drink more. He had a reason to blame me for his drinking....which is what alchoholics love to do. He would look for situations to drink.....a friday night, a barbeque, a float trip, a day off, A FIGHT WITH ME, a bad day at work etc......!!! He has told me that the reason that he drank all the time is because we just fed off of each other.

Now that I am no longer in the destructive tornado I look back on things and i just wish that I had been able to not give him a reason to drink. I wish that I would have detached myself from the situation and let him do whatever he wanted. This way he could never point the finger at our relationship. I look at it in terms of eating with me.....I love to eat fattening foods but I also want to be healthy....same as him.....he loves to drink but knows that it is not good for him but like me I will find every little reason to eat junk. I had a bad day, it is the holidays, i am on vacation, I am depressed. I always find a reason b/c I am addicted to eating really good fattening foods(luckily I have a high metabolism....lol)

I think that if someone was always asking me.....did you eat fast food tonight, do you really need seconds, can you just not eat fattening foods tonight...etc....I would get aggrevated also. Now no one has ever done this to me and so when I look in the mirror and I have gained some wieght I can't blame anyone else but myself. I have gained some weight while being in this relationship and I do sometimes find myself saying well if I wasn't always so upset with the abf, if things would have just been normal I would have more control of my eating and I could concentrate on it more. Nope not his fault that I need to loose 20 pounds.....I am in control of what I do and he did not force that piece of cake in my mouth....lol.

I know that eating and drinking are not the same thing but I just try looking at it from another point of view.

hadenoughnow

I found that I obsessed over my AH's drinking because I dreaded dealing with the consequences (his behaviour, the money spent etc.). I got tired of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Not living with him and letting HIM feel the consequences freed me to focus on my own recovery.

DESIGNER

As sad as it is this is the only way. We do react to the situations b/c we want our relationships to work out. It is still hard on me to accept that things are over and that I was not able to do anything....but the best thing about all of it is if he screws up I am no longer in the picture and he can not point the finger at me. He is the one that is going to have to look in the mirror and accept blame for where his life is.
I understand trying so hard to keep things normal b/c we also have to live with the aftermath of drinking. When you are in a relationship both people are mixed and everything that happens to the alcoholic affects you. That is why the only solution is to take care of yourself.

What it really comes down to is having to accept that no amount of screaming, worrying, pleading etc....will make that person change. If they are not wanting to improve thier life there is nothing that you can do. Same with me.....no one is going to help me loose weight. I have to do it on my own and want it for myself.

whatnow2

Thank you for your replies!

Well I didn't ask him when he got back and I didn't even give him "the look". I have to actually say that it felt good to not ask. I went about surfing the net and doing some housework. I used to think by not letting him know I dissapprove, that meant I approved of his drinking. I'm really trying to just respond to the effects of his drinking and not constantly obsess on the actual act of him drinking. He's out helping a friend move today and I'm pretty sure he'll get smashed today, I just hope he won't get pulled over or worse. OK, so this is going to be my 15 minutes of obsessing and then I'm going get some Easter baskets together and maybe work out. Thanks again!

Miss Pink

I cant do it on my own...Alanon is my solution. Have you tried it?

I hope he DOES get pulled over...nothing beats a harsh consequence to wake up an alcoholic.