THEN I will be happy
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thank you!
Those moments of contentment and true acceptance are so precious.. I can spot many times of my life where I have lived it and felt totally alive and nourished. I am deciding to live many more
!!
Those moments of contentment and true acceptance are so precious.. I can spot many times of my life where I have lived it and felt totally alive and nourished. I am deciding to live many more
!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
I've been having some insights lately and this one was so big, I decided to share it.
Before I met my husband, I thought, if only I could find "the one" THEN I would be happy. When I met him and decided he was "the one" I thought, once we get married THEN I will be happy. Once we were married I thought, when we have children, THEN I will be happy. After we had children I thought, once we buy our own house, THEN I will be happy. After we bought our own house and the alcohol began to cause problems I thought, when he gets sober THEN I will be happy. When he got sober and we tried to work on our marriage I thought, we will work out our problems and get back together and THEN I will be happy.
I've spent my entire life making my happiness dependent on other people and external events. It saddens me to think of all the joy I must have missed along the way because I was so focused on the future and the next thing that would make me happy.
I've finally learned that I could've been happy all along. All those things I thought would make me happy didn't and happiness has been inside me the whole time. I just refused to accept it. I'm so grateful to have finally found it. I just wasn't looking in the right place.
Have you ever known one of those people who it seems like everything always goes their way? Even when something seemingly bad happens to them, it always seems to work out for the best? And they are usually happy and peaceful and generally in good spirits? And you think to yourself, well geez, if everything always worked out for me, I would be happy and peaceful, too!
What if the reason things always seem to work out for them is because they are happy and peaceful? What if things always go their way because they are in sync with the universe instead of opposing and resisting it? What if it's because they are grateful for what they have and gladly take the riches life offers them instead of insisting on certain outcomes? What if it's because they are happily enjoying the journey instead of trying to get to some preconceived destination?
I hope this means something to someone out there. I was going to write it in my journal, but it felt like something that needed to be shared..............
L
Before I met my husband, I thought, if only I could find "the one" THEN I would be happy. When I met him and decided he was "the one" I thought, once we get married THEN I will be happy. Once we were married I thought, when we have children, THEN I will be happy. After we had children I thought, once we buy our own house, THEN I will be happy. After we bought our own house and the alcohol began to cause problems I thought, when he gets sober THEN I will be happy. When he got sober and we tried to work on our marriage I thought, we will work out our problems and get back together and THEN I will be happy.
I've spent my entire life making my happiness dependent on other people and external events. It saddens me to think of all the joy I must have missed along the way because I was so focused on the future and the next thing that would make me happy.
I've finally learned that I could've been happy all along. All those things I thought would make me happy didn't and happiness has been inside me the whole time. I just refused to accept it. I'm so grateful to have finally found it. I just wasn't looking in the right place.
Have you ever known one of those people who it seems like everything always goes their way? Even when something seemingly bad happens to them, it always seems to work out for the best? And they are usually happy and peaceful and generally in good spirits? And you think to yourself, well geez, if everything always worked out for me, I would be happy and peaceful, too!
What if the reason things always seem to work out for them is because they are happy and peaceful? What if things always go their way because they are in sync with the universe instead of opposing and resisting it? What if it's because they are grateful for what they have and gladly take the riches life offers them instead of insisting on certain outcomes? What if it's because they are happily enjoying the journey instead of trying to get to some preconceived destination?
I hope this means something to someone out there. I was going to write it in my journal, but it felt like something that needed to be shared..............
L
I had to learn it the hard way
I had to have all my dreams come true, then realize I was still miserable
I call it "If only this then that"
I don't explain it nearly as well as you
If only He_would_quit_drinking then I_would_be_happy
The thing about "If only ____ then ____" every time you "knock one down" a new one "appears", you acquire a new "if only this then that"
It's a never ending cycle if you buy into it
First alcohol is the answer, then it becomes the problem, first the spouse is the answer, then they become the problem, because the real reason for the discontent is never dealt with
Happiness really is an inside job
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Your post really hit home. That is me. One of my favorite quotes is this...
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
~~ Anais Nin
I read it over and over because it always seemed so true, yet so confusing/unattainable at the same time. Well - I'm beginning to see how to get there.
I do know people like that and you are right about why. I'm determined to make that me.
Thanks for the post. It was a good one for me this morning.
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
~~ Anais Nin
I read it over and over because it always seemed so true, yet so confusing/unattainable at the same time. Well - I'm beginning to see how to get there.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
What if the reason things always seem to work out for them is because they are happy and peaceful? What if things always go their way because they are in sync with the universe instead of opposing and resisting it? What if it's because they are grateful for what they have and gladly take the riches life offers them instead of insisting on certain outcomes? What if it's because they are happily enjoying the journey instead of trying to get to some preconceived destination?
Just something I've been pondering lately..................
L
Just something I've been pondering lately..................
L
Thanks for the post. It was a good one for me this morning.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I have spent years having the following thoughts,
"one day I will"....",
"If this happens"....,
"When I have".....,
"If only I was".....,
"If only he would".....,
and other's that were dependant on future changes, that would make me happy THEN.
It took a heart attack this March, to get thru to me that I may not have a THEN or a future in which to wait for this happiness, contentment etc.
I have worked and am still working on being content, grateful and happy NOW, this minute, today. Not hoping for tomorrow to whisk me off into some magic Happy Land.
I did feel sad, angry, bitter and annoyed for having wasted so many of my nearly 65 years of YESTERDAYS, on wishes and hopes for happiness and fulfillment, dependant on some event that may or may not happen sometime, somewhere, whatever.
Then I realised that looking back this way was futile and was taking up time I had NOW to enjoy my life and be at peace with myself.
I wanted to live in an old style country house, on a few acres out of town, and having lovely flower and vegie gardens.
I am in a pensioner unit, in town and have a small back yard. BUT I have a beautiful little flower area at my front door, and grow luttuces, silverbeet, leeks, herbs, passionfruit, and a huge tomato bush with 68 big fruit on it.
I have accepted that this is where I am and need to be, and while I am hanging pictures on the walls, putting up new curtains, or what ever I do, I thank God for having this place to call home.
I hope I am becoming more like my mother, as she is happy and content with her life each day. She lost her central vision 25 years ago, could no longer read so learned to paint. She has lost all her old friends and family, but has their children still visit her, and has made new friends along the way.
She is my strength and inspiration at nearly 98 years young.
I learn from my past, live my present, trust in God and let tomorrow unfold as it will.
God bless
"one day I will"....",
"If this happens"....,
"When I have".....,
"If only I was".....,
"If only he would".....,
and other's that were dependant on future changes, that would make me happy THEN.
It took a heart attack this March, to get thru to me that I may not have a THEN or a future in which to wait for this happiness, contentment etc.
I have worked and am still working on being content, grateful and happy NOW, this minute, today. Not hoping for tomorrow to whisk me off into some magic Happy Land.
I did feel sad, angry, bitter and annoyed for having wasted so many of my nearly 65 years of YESTERDAYS, on wishes and hopes for happiness and fulfillment, dependant on some event that may or may not happen sometime, somewhere, whatever.
Then I realised that looking back this way was futile and was taking up time I had NOW to enjoy my life and be at peace with myself.
I wanted to live in an old style country house, on a few acres out of town, and having lovely flower and vegie gardens.
I am in a pensioner unit, in town and have a small back yard. BUT I have a beautiful little flower area at my front door, and grow luttuces, silverbeet, leeks, herbs, passionfruit, and a huge tomato bush with 68 big fruit on it.
I have accepted that this is where I am and need to be, and while I am hanging pictures on the walls, putting up new curtains, or what ever I do, I thank God for having this place to call home.
I hope I am becoming more like my mother, as she is happy and content with her life each day. She lost her central vision 25 years ago, could no longer read so learned to paint. She has lost all her old friends and family, but has their children still visit her, and has made new friends along the way.
She is my strength and inspiration at nearly 98 years young.
I learn from my past, live my present, trust in God and let tomorrow unfold as it will.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
LaTeeDaa, I'm glad you posted this. It is so true... we cannot depend upon others for our happiness. I had that figured out quite a few years ago, but my X never could seem to get happy. Nothing we ever accomplished was good enough, never made him happy. We both had good careers, 2 healthy children, a nice affordable home to live in, plenty of food on the table, friends, family... but he was always stating that we had nothing. He was Mr. Negative, and he was really a downer... which was difficult to live with - both for me and the kids, as nothing we did was ever good enough for him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thanks for bumping this.
I don't think this is semantics AT ALL. There is something I have been trying to sort in my head lately but just haven't been able to. Long ago, when I first got into Recovery, I learned that I need to get clear on WHAT I WANTED for ME and MY LIFE. I learned to set goals and to dream for mySELF. I learned that I was what one might call "passive." I just let life come at me and I took what came my way and dealt with it as best as I could. So I learned how to be more decisive and to go after what I wanted. So I did and I GOT a lot, I gained a lot of ground; it's as though I've "arrived."
But now I realize that things, and desiring things, and WANTING, is part of what creates the need to LET GO. I thought there was some kind of Eastern religion or something that had this as a principle, to deny wanting entirely because wanting is what creates so many of our problems like obsession. Does anyone have any insight into this concept? I have been doing very well letting go of my desires and my wants and I do see the benefit of doing so. But there is some kind of balance to it, where you want in a healthy way but you can identify the wants that are not good for you and let those go. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks again LaTeeDa.
I just remembered another thing that helped me. I was reading about REBT, and one of the things that really struck me was a technique where you learn to recast your expectations/desires. Instead of having "demands," you learn that the things you want in life are merely "preferences." By "preferring" to have something (a stable, loving, non-addicted partner, for instance) you acknowledge your desire, but also your powerlessness over others. I know some will see this simply as semantics, but I believe the words we use (even if we only use them in our own head) can be very powerful. L
But now I realize that things, and desiring things, and WANTING, is part of what creates the need to LET GO. I thought there was some kind of Eastern religion or something that had this as a principle, to deny wanting entirely because wanting is what creates so many of our problems like obsession. Does anyone have any insight into this concept? I have been doing very well letting go of my desires and my wants and I do see the benefit of doing so. But there is some kind of balance to it, where you want in a healthy way but you can identify the wants that are not good for you and let those go. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks again LaTeeDa.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
But now I realize that things, and desiring things, and WANTING, is part of what creates the need to LET GO. I thought there was some kind of Eastern religion or something that had this as a principle, to deny wanting entirely because wanting is what creates so many of our problems like obsession. Does anyone have any insight into this concept? I have been doing very well letting go of my desires and my wants and I do see the benefit of doing so. But there is some kind of balance to it, where you want in a healthy way but you can identify the wants that are not good for you and let those go. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks again LaTeeDa.
Thanks again LaTeeDa.
I found this on the PBS site:
Basics of Buddhism
The Four Noble Truths are a contingency plan for dealing with the suffering humanity faces -- suffering of a physical kind, or of a mental nature. The First Truth identifies the presence of suffering. The Second Truth, on the other hand, seeks to determine the cause of suffering. In Buddhism, desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering. By desire, Buddhists refer to craving pleasure, material goods, and immortality, all of which are wants that can never be satisfied. As a result, desiring them can only bring suffering. Ignorance, in comparison, relates to not seeing the world as it actually is. Without the capacity for mental concentration and insight, Buddhism explains, one's mind is left undeveloped, unable to grasp the true nature of things. Vices, such as greed, envy, hatred and anger, derive from this ignorance.
The Third Noble Truth, the truth of the end of suffering, has dual meaning, suggesting either the end of suffering in this life, on earth, or in the spiritual life, through achieving Nirvana. When one has achieved Nirvana, which is a transcendent state free from suffering and our worldly cycle of birth and rebirth, spiritual enlightenment has been reached. The Fourth Noble truth charts the method for attaining the end of suffering, known to Buddhists as the Noble Eightfold Path. The steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. Moreover, there are three themes into which the Path is divided: good moral conduct (Understanding, Thought, Speech); meditation and mental development (Action, Livelihood, Effort), and wisdom or insight (Mindfulness and Concentration).
The Third Noble Truth, the truth of the end of suffering, has dual meaning, suggesting either the end of suffering in this life, on earth, or in the spiritual life, through achieving Nirvana. When one has achieved Nirvana, which is a transcendent state free from suffering and our worldly cycle of birth and rebirth, spiritual enlightenment has been reached. The Fourth Noble truth charts the method for attaining the end of suffering, known to Buddhists as the Noble Eightfold Path. The steps of the Noble Eightfold Path are Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness and Right Concentration. Moreover, there are three themes into which the Path is divided: good moral conduct (Understanding, Thought, Speech); meditation and mental development (Action, Livelihood, Effort), and wisdom or insight (Mindfulness and Concentration).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
This is all great, but how do you just 'make yourself happy'? If you don't feel happy, surely you can't just decide to feel happy? Isn't it soemthing that you either feel or you don't? I'm probably missing the point, but I've gone through many times when I'll be doing something I enjoy, with people I like, and I just don't feel happy. Sometimes no matter what, I feel unhappy. Other times I'll be doing something mediocre and will feel content and happy. It doesn't seem to be something I can just tell myself to feel.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
This is all great, but how do you just 'make yourself happy'? If you don't feel happy, surely you can't just decide to feel happy? Isn't it soemthing that you either feel or you don't? I'm probably missing the point, but I've gone through many times when I'll be doing something I enjoy, with people I like, and I just don't feel happy. Sometimes no matter what, I feel unhappy. Other times I'll be doing something mediocre and will feel content and happy. It doesn't seem to be something I can just tell myself to feel.
i know what you mean. I have a major depressive disorder, and while actively drinking, I just figured I would never be "happy". I thought everyone who seemed happy or serene were faking it.
(i am not saying you are depressed, but i understand trying to "make yourself happy")
when you say doing something mediocre, what do you mean? a simple task?
i had to practice noticing what made me feel content, happy and serene.
the pathways in my brain were always defaulting to what was wrong.
i had to be mindful when i was content, because my depressed mind wanted to be discontent.
practice and pay attention to those happy moments, and enjoy them.
soon, they will be happening more often.
:ghug3
i hope i have described this as well as i hoped. if not, please ask.
beth
A Pirate looks at 40
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Southeast of Disorder (FL)
Posts: 264
Ya can't roller skate in a buffalo herd
Ya can't roller skate in a buffalo herd
Ya can't roller skate in a buffalo herd
But you can be happy if you've a mind to
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
But you can be happy if you've a mind to
All ya gotta do is put your mind to it
Knuckle down, buckle down, do it, do it, do it
- Roger Miller
Ya can't roller skate in a buffalo herd
Ya can't roller skate in a buffalo herd
But you can be happy if you've a mind to
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
Ya can't take a shower in a parakeet cage
But you can be happy if you've a mind to
All ya gotta do is put your mind to it
Knuckle down, buckle down, do it, do it, do it
- Roger Miller
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I saw Carole King (and James Taylor) at a concert about a month ago. Carole is 68 years old, is beautiful inside and out without needing cosmetic surgery, and sang wonderfully and danced in boots with 5 inch stiletto heels!
What an inspiration she was. She showed me that you don't have to "wait until retirement" and that we're never too old to do what we love to do. She showed me that living life to its fullest today is what matters and made me feel 10 years younger just through her inspiration.
She has had rough times, her third husband died of a heroin overdose...and yet she dances...in stiletto's...at 68 years old!! Go Carole!!! Go US!!!
What an inspiration she was. She showed me that you don't have to "wait until retirement" and that we're never too old to do what we love to do. She showed me that living life to its fullest today is what matters and made me feel 10 years younger just through her inspiration.
She has had rough times, her third husband died of a heroin overdose...and yet she dances...in stiletto's...at 68 years old!! Go Carole!!! Go US!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Thanks for bumping this post. It hit home. I spent the last 10 years exactly like this....when this or that happens I will finally be happy. It took turning 40 and hitting my bottom to wake up and realize life is too short to wait on others or external things to make me happy.
I'm truly happy today in my own skin and with everything I have in my life. Even if it does not look like I thought my life should or would look like...it is wonderful now and I'm happy and at peace. !!!
I'm truly happy today in my own skin and with everything I have in my life. Even if it does not look like I thought my life should or would look like...it is wonderful now and I'm happy and at peace. !!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
This is all great, but how do you just 'make yourself happy'? If you don't feel happy, surely you can't just decide to feel happy? Isn't it soemthing that you either feel or you don't? I'm probably missing the point, but I've gone through many times when I'll be doing something I enjoy, with people I like, and I just don't feel happy. Sometimes no matter what, I feel unhappy. Other times I'll be doing something mediocre and will feel content and happy. It doesn't seem to be something I can just tell myself to feel.
For me, it's more about "allowing" myself to be happy. Don't get me wrong--I'm not happy 100% of the time, no one is--but life is an enjoyable experience for me most of the time. That's the difference between the old me and the new me. The old me experienced life as a struggle most of the time, with a few happy times sprinkled in. The new me experiences life as a beautiful adventure, with a few struggles sprinkled in.
What it took, for me, was letting go of the preconceived, conditioned ideas I had about how life "should" be and what happiness looks like. I had a lot of images in my head of what life should look like, and I refused to consider anything else. Images about marriage, children, work, owning a home, etc. Some were drummed into me by society, some by my parents and family members, some by me in response to comparing myself to others.
I had to learn that life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. When that happens, I have choices. I can struggle, resist, or deny what's happening because it's not what I want. Or I can embrace reality and make the best of it. Instead of trying to get to some "ideal situation" that I have invented in my head, I work with the circumstances I have. If the choice I "want" isn't available to me, I take the best of the choices that ARE available to me.
Like Sheryl Crowe said "It's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you've got."
L
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