LaTeeDa

I've never heard that one, but I love it! Thanks.

L

kelsh

Hi LaTeeDa,

Your post hit home with me...except I was the alcoholic in our family + major depression also ruled my life...I could never think of anything that "Would make me happy."

I was the woman that wanted marriage, children, and a full family life but the alcohol and major life events destroyed & distorted my picture of what life should be like.

I had no idea that my happiness should come from within me not from other's and what I could do for them to put aside my guilty feelings.

Toby Keith has a song on a CD I have called: "If I Didn't Know Now...
The actual line that struck me was "If I didn't know now what I didn't know then...

I had this dream of marriage, kids, and a loving caring family. I had no idea that life would bring so many tragic events into our family....nothing like this was in my life growing up as a child.

My depression was first diagnosed as a teen but not fully understood by me or my Mother. She just saw that I took my medication.

I quit the medication when I got married and didn't have a depressed episode until three years after we were married when my husband was critically injured on his job.

Then every time a tragic event came along...the more depressed I would get..I found that alcohol could elevate my mood and I could enjoy some fun times.

That was short lived because I used the alcohol like medication for my depression and eventually became alcoholic years down the road.

Now I can say my life is so good sober and now especially so because my depression is again stable...I am 67 years old and just finding more joy in my life than I ever imagined.

I still have major issues to deal with ...my son that is a quadraplegic from an attempted suicide while drunk & my brother that is coming off of alcohol and Methametaphine. He called me this past Wednesday...I hadn't heard from him nor did I know where he was for three years.

My brother is 18 months younger than I am but seems like he cannot handle what life brings his way....another big fine...$1300 for driving without a license
and under the influence of a drug and/or alcohol. He did not go to his court hearing so there is a warrant out for him. He is in a town about an hour and a half from me with a sober friend who has ten years of sobriety.

I hope to see him...I didn't get the phone number...it shows up as no name no number on my caller ID so hope he calls me back or gets his cell phone charged up.

It is hard for me to accept that he was using drugs...I didn't know it but should have guessed it when he went through his inheritance money so fast.
Of course he got arrested for DUI so had a big fine to pay ...wanted me to bail him out but I told him to get his money from the Estate...just hire a lawyer from the office that is doing Dad's Probate.

That is my "Then I Will Be Happy Story." Short version.....

kelsh

Pajarito

Oh LTD, How does it happen that people on this forum just happen to say the right things at the right time? I am at work today getting some freelance done and feeling sorry for myself. My AH and daughter are at his mom's celebrating Easter with his family- all people I love. I felt I should bow out, because it's hard to sit through a get-together and "pretend" things are great. I'm finding there are people who don't talk about the white elephant in the room- probably uncomfortable/don't know what to say.

In any event- I guess this thread just created an aha moment for me. I know over the past years I had a little voice inside me wondering who I am- what do I want? I spent years trying to have children, trying to fix up our nice house, trying to live with my AH- not really living- just dealing with the chaos. I was only able to have one child (but thank God for her)- dreamed of being in a nice home with 3 or 4, loving husband . . . If only I could have more children then I'd be happy, if only I could get this sweet, old house fixed up then I'd be happy, if only my AH would stop drinking then I'd be happy. Wow. . . How much has that changed in the past 6 months since he left. I'm more sad than happy these days, but I know there's light ahead. I am looking for what I really want/need in myself- finally!

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It was just what I needed.

shakarris

I keep this on my fridge - it is one of my favs by Ralph Marston

You've put alot of time and effort into getting where youare. Take some timeto truly enjoy it, right here and right now.

What is the point in struggling and striving for more, if you do not enjoy what you already have? Why put your effort into getting further ahead, if you cannot enjoy where you already are?.

Take some time to simply enjoy. No matter where you may be, there is always a way to truly enjoy the incredible blessing of life.

And the more you enjoy that blessing, the more it grows. The more you truly enjoy what you have, the more there will be to enjoy.

It makes no sense to postpone your enjoyment until some imagined time in the future when conditions will be ideal. For if you cannot find enjoyment where you are, that ideal time will never come.

Take time on a regular basis, to truly enjoy, even if there are no reasons. For when you do, there will soon be plenty of reasons.


I look at this every day.. some days are harder as we all know but I try to find just one reason a day to enjoy and it always turns out to be more by the end of the day

shakarris

Live

WOW, thank you everyone...this is one of favorite posts I have ever read here.

I am reshaping my life and I mean to fulfill my hapiness, even if it is only one thing at a time...and I believe that investment will accrue interest and value and grow.

FormerDoormat

I believe that it is not by coincidence that we are all here together learning and sharing our triumphs and struggles. I believe it is not by coincidence that I met Richard and he, a struggling alcoholic, led me to my salvation. I believe it is not by coincidence that someone on this forum just happens to say the right thing at the right time.

I believe there is no such thing as coincidence--only a power much greater than I that gives me what I need when I need it most.

peaceteach

Amen, FD. I'm with you on that 100%.

Pajarito

Thank you FD- this reminds me that I am never walking this path alone.

Saint Francis

Love that LTD! I know exactly the feeling of waiting for "then" but I'm still struggling for that happiness and peace you've acheived.

Sorta reminded me of "CBS Sunday Morning" on Easter. There's a church in Nebraska that's trying to stop people from complaining. They have those purple rubber stretch bracelets and send them throughout the world. You're supposed to try to quit complaining for 21 days, then you are awared a Happiness Certificate. I can't make it 21 hours without complaining, but it would be good to try to quit and try gratitude instead. I guess it's all about the mindset, but I have a long way to go. I think codies are often chronic complainers, especially if they are still in the midst of the chaos.

tennis71

All I can add is Thank You!

hbb

Thanks LaTee,

I'm the person you wrote about in your thread. At the age of 33 I can't help but thinking that the NEXT step of my life will "fix" the unhappiness in my life. I have a hard time living in the moment and it's frustrating to me. Thank you for this, i surely needed it today. I keep telling myself "why is it so hard to be happy, you have NO drama, illness, and chaos in your life, enjoy it". I am constantly reminding myself!!

Thanks!

LaTeeDa

Bumping this up today because it seems relevant to a lot of posts I have read in the last few days............

Callie

Wow, VERY good posts in this thread. LTD, I can relate 100% to your first post. Thank you for the invaluable info. Can some of you post tools that you are using to live in the moment? I too strive for the future without staying in the present. Once x happens I'll be happy, then it's when y comes, then z. I realize that I've lived the last 20 years of my life like this. I am 38 and want to do everything that I can to STOP that thinking because it's brought me nothing but pain

CAPTAINZING2000

Just browsing.

I don't place conditions on my happiness. I used to try and please my ex wife all the time.

Happiness and contentment have to come from inside. No one person or thing can make us happy, we have to do that for ourselves

LaTeeDa

Personal therapy helped me a lot in this regard. I had to learn to let go of the preconceived notions I had about how life "should" be. I had to learn to look at life in a different way. I used to look at life as this constant struggle to get what I want. Now, I look at it as a fabulous, wonderful adventure where I never know what will happen. Maybe events in my life are not obstacles to what I want, but opportunities for things I never considered.

"The Power of Now," and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle helped me as well.

L

catlovermi

Callie,

I use a couple of re-directing techniques to keep myself in a better place, TODAY.

When I'm fixated on a future outcome, obsessing on what I want that I don't have today, I try to pull myself into TODAY by making a gratitude list of what I actually have TODAY, to be grateful for.

When I'm not in a good place TODAY, it mostly means I'm too self-focused, so I look for opportunities to GIVE OF MYSELF TO OTHERS. I make myself a little, secret, personal challenge to enrich, brighten, surprise, or otherwise positively influence someone else's life, just for the sake of doing it. No expectations of how they'll react, or what they may think or do in response.

I've found these to be two simple but powerful techniques to change the whole flavor of my life as I see it, TODAY. And, both can be done FREE! Just takes a little thought and creativity.

The interesting thing is that both these techniques almost always pay powerful dividends, if I actually employ them. Sort of like when you hug a person that you might never otherwise think to hug, they usually hug you back! And you both go on through the day a little happier.

CLMI

MissFixit

LaTeeDa,

Thanks for the thread. This hits home with me too.

I am graduating in May and thought that I would be getting married after that. We planned children and we were discussing ways to update his (our future) house for a family. When we broke up in Oct, my world shattered. I was still graduating, but the family and home we/I had been working towards for the last 4 years was gone and I had no say so in that decision. I felt powerless and went into a depression.

I immediately realized that I had to stay focused on what I could control (school, my reaction to the situation) and move forward from there. I am completing my goals, but I cannot get past the marriage/children thing. I never realized how important to me that was until it was gone. I want to do it with a loving, honest, non-cheating, sober partner, but those goals/priorities are dependent on external forces. I want to do it the "right" way and it frustrates me that I cannot "make" it happen. (Right now I don't want to date anyone as I still love my ex--but know that we won't be together). I have a lot to sort out.

Anyway, I just wanted to post as I think about this topic often.

Miss

LaTeeDa

I just remembered another thing that helped me. I was reading about REBT, and one of the things that really struck me was a technique where you learn to recast your expectations/desires. Instead of having "demands," you learn that the things you want in life are merely "preferences." By "preferring" to have something (a stable, loving, non-addicted partner, for instance) you acknowledge your desire, but also your powerlessness over others. I know some will see this simply as semantics, but I believe the words we use (even if we only use them in our own head) can be very powerful.

L

Learning how

Thank you for bumping this up.
I have been doing some thinking along these lines.

I have been working on me and trying to fiqure out what I want.

I lost myself. I have spent so long being out of myself, looking for that next thing to fix the problem that I am having trouble finding my way back to me.

I am working on it. Sometimes I think I make progress, sometimes its like I'm in valley fog and can't see the side of the road let alone whats ahead.

I am not thrilled with where I am now, I think I'm in some sort of learning period. I am trying to listen for the answer. It will come.

isitme

Well geeze.. that pretty much sums up where I'm at right now too. I've fallen into this place where I don't even remember what it is like to be in charge of my own happienss. Of course I always have been, I just surrendered it. I do still have some challenges with understanding how to go about creating my happiness with out doing it selfishly...

I'm glad you bumped this thread LTD. No matter what stage your at I think it's a great reminder.