Shivaya

Arghhhh!!!!! I am frustrated and need to get this out.....

My AH wants to know why I get to buy what I want (coffee), while he does not get to buy what he wants?

I say "what is it that you want to buy?". He says "beer".

I am well aware of the fact that he does not want to quit drinking, but this way of thinking just about made me explode this morning!

Last time I checked, I have never had too much coffee to drink, which caused me to fall down, pass out, urinate in the bed, urinate on the floor, blackout and do things I don't remember.

So I say (to myself, and to you here at SR...not to my AH....as it would not help matters)........Go ahead, buy all the **** beer you want. Knock yourself out. Buy it, drink it. I don't care. Just don't do it in front of me or our children!

I know this is not a very useful thread, I'm just venting here!

Thanks,

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

Actually, it might be more useful than you think. It was a major turning point for me when I finally decided to let go. To stop trying to control him and let him make his own decisions and suffer his own consequences.

I think you should say it to him. When I said to my husband "go ahead and drink all you want, if that is your choice," what a relief it was. I was then free to make my own decisions based on reality, instead of making them on what I hoped would be. (and what I was trying to "make" happen)

L

denny57

I agree with LTD. I did finally say calmly to AH, do what you want. I also asked him to stop explaining to me why he drank, when he drank, how much he drank, whether it was just two, I didn't care.

It was a huge turning point for me.

aztchr

My ex gave the message loud and clear that he wasn't going to stop drinking no matter what. He would make comparisons about what I was buying, doing, not doing, etc. and I thought I could rationalize with him about why my choice was not having the same affects as the alcohol. It didn't matter. The message was there. He was going to do what he was going to do whether I liked it or not.

The question I had to answer was, "Am I willing to accept and live with his behaviors? Am I worth more than what I was getting?"

katyk

Good for you for venting! It helps a lot.

My personal favorite was when I was scraping together every last dime to pay the monthly bills, and my rarely-employed AH strolls in and complains that he just doesn't have any money for himself... I could have killed him.

LaTeeDa

Actually, I respectfully disagree on this point. For me, venting helped temporarily. It made me feel superior and self-righteous railing about him and his apparent stupidity. But, in the long run, all it did was fuel my anger and resentment. The only thing that really helped, long-term, was constructive action.

JMHO,
L

Conez

thank u for this post... and most of your other posts in sereval different threads. i find ur imput to be very common sensable and grounding for me.... almost the same sort i get from a visit with my councellor....lol

anyways
this point of veiw is very valid... i think, u may need to pass thru the venting stage to get to the stage where constructive action can start to happen... anger n resentment are major hurdles to overcome... how to gain control of this negative and turn it to a positive, any suggestions?

LaTeeDa

First, thank you for your support. We all support each other here.

I wish I could tell you the secret to letting go of anger and resentment, but I don't think there is one.

I do know that ignoring it or pretending it isn't there only makes it worse.

Someone sent me a link the other day about this that was really helpful. Unfortunately, it's on my work computer and I am off until Tuesday. I will try to remember to post it when I get back. One of the things I remember, though, is that it said that anger is an indication that something is wrong in our lives. Something needs to change. I think it's important to acknowledge that.

One thing that helped me let go of my anger was journaling. I've joked before about how I didn't even call it "my journal," instead I called it my "book of anger." It took some interesting and quite uncomfortable twists along the way, too.

The other thing I want to say is that I believe it is an ongoing process. I still get little twinges of resentment towards my ex when I remember certain situations. I am continually processing and letting it go, not with the intensity it had in the beginning, but it is not completely gone by any stretch.

Good luck to you on your journey,

L

jazpoppy

Shivaya,

Drink your coffee and enjoy it! He is just trying to justify his drinking! My mother would tell me "You take medication for your anxiety disorder, so I can drink, its cheaper and I don't need a prescription!" Funny ha ha! I took my anti-anxiety pills less than or as prescribed! So there is a big difference between taking neccessary medication, drinking LEGAL, SAFE, NON-INTOXICATING, coffee and drinking TOO MUCH ALCOHOL that can cause harm to one-self and others! DUH! But addicts/alcoholics will use anything to "justify" continued use! I know I did when I was in active addiction! Glad you vented. I vent a lot here too, but I now have a therapist that I can talk to so I can hopefully move on with my life and "let go" of so much anger and resentment. Take care and have a peaceful Easter holiday!

Luv

Jaz

Conez

thanx for the reply.... i'l remind u about that link after tues so u don't forget.

katyk

I think there is a way to vent that is counterproductive (road rage, yelling at a store clerk, etc). You can express anger while being attached to it, or you can express it in a way that allows you to let it go. For me, burying anger causes 1,000,000,001 more problems than releasing it in a way that won't hurt other people. "up and out," that's my motto! Its works well for this woman who has a very hard time expressing anger, period.

Kindeyes

Very typical for the a in my life to make comparisons that are not logical. I use to argue to try to "talk some sense" into him. It was a waste of time and energy.

Unfortunately I think we have to go through a whole range of emotions on our way to our own recovery. And as far as venting here goes.....I believe that it's better out than in......but as TD said

"The only thing that really helped, long-term, was constructive action."

gentle hugs