dor5711

I am the significant other of an alcoholic. He was sober for 17 years. I have known him for 7 years. Two years ago, certain issues arose (not relating to our relationship) and he picked up again. He is having a very difficult time getting back in control. He's been in rehabs, detoxes, crisis centers, hospitals, counseling, etc. I understand this is a disease and I have learned quite a bit about myself and the disease over the past year.

Here's my current problem. My father passed away a month ago and his way of dealing with it was to drink (he had been sober for about 6 weeks at that point). I and my family were deeply hurt over his actions during this difficult time. I was so busy supporting my mom and my children as well as covering up for him once again that I couldn't even grieve. I refused to let him come to the funeral and made him leave the house immediately afterwards. My mother refuses to ever talk to him again and my 20 year old daughter feels the same way. But how do I feel? He calls me and leaves messages not to give up on us, we have 7 years invested in a relationship, he wants to make it up to us, etc. I don't know what to do. I do know I need time and he needs to work the program and get healthy before we can even talk about the future. I know I will never forget what he did to my family but can I forgive? He is currently in a 28 day rehab and I will not allow him in the house thereafter. He will need to go to a sober house. Any suggestions, words of wisdom?

NYC_Chick

Hi and Welcome!

I'm very sorry for your loss. Have not lost a parent so I don't know what it's like, but I know it must be painful.

As for your bf...I think you hare handling the situation well. I broke up with my ex who is an alcoholic back in November. He saw the light, then decided he didn't want to get sober. We have very limited text or email contact and I have told him I need space to do what is best for me. If that's all you can give him now, then you are doing the right thing because you are not betraying yourself or your own feelings.

I went to therapy last night and she said something helpful about my emotional attachment to my ex. She said that at this point we are like two people in a potato sac race. I don't have the use of both legs and until I take my leg out of the sac, he will still have a pull. She told me it's a process. I asked about him. She said as long as my leg is still in he doesn't have to move because I'm still in helping him stay in the same place. When I take my leg out, he will have two legs and will be forced to make a move either towards sobriety or a different path. His choice. I don't know if it makes sense or if I explained it right, but it helped me.

Take care of yourself!!!

dor5711

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I sincerely appreciate your words.

I just got a letter from him. Saying "I hope you can accept me back into your life, I know we love and care for each other and should be together, people make mistakes, etc". I don't know how to respond. I can't accept him back into my life right now. THis time it was certainly more than a mistake. I don't know how I feel. One thing that maybe is different here is that we had 5 years together before he picked up. During those 5 years, we were very happy and had a great relationship. The alcohol is what changed our relationship.....the only time we fight is when he is drinking and denying it and I know he is lying. So I remember the good part and I miss that and the sober him. I never want to relive the past 2 years. Maybe once he is clean and sober for 6 months or so, then maybe we can talk.....or maybe not. I'm rambling I know...............

laurie6781

This is what you need to tell him. That his words mean NOTHING. His actions over the next 6 months to a year will show just where he is at and if he is into recovery or not. Tell him what you have said here:

and again reiterate his ACTIONS not his words over the next 6 months to a year.

Then you turn around and find councilling or find some Alanon meetings. This will help you to focus on you and to remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care, very much.

Love and hugs,

abcdefg

Hi, Dor.

I am so sorry about your father and the incredible disappointment you went through on top of that.

What you describe about your A and the situation feels similar to my own -- definite differences in specific details but when I read this abou this letter, it made me think of something I have learned about how the A "works" on me. You sound like you already have lots of good info and recovery under your belt so I'll skip all that part.

When my A is reminding me of how significant our past has been and/or promising how great our future is going to be, he is not in the present.

If I am reminding or promising myself, I am not in the present.

If he is not in the present, he is not dealing with reality.

If I am not in the present, I am not dealing with reality.

If he is not dealing with reality, I can't trust anything he says or does -- no matter how loving or sincere it may be.

If I trust/invest in what he says or does, I can't trust MYSELF.

His disease will say anything to get what he/it wants.

My disease will believe anything he says to avoid the pain of loss, disappointment, change.

You have just been through so much loss. It's so hard to even contemplate accepting MORE. But stay focused on self-care.

It's not like I've been wrapped around my A like a sweater. I am a relatively balance person in a lot of ways (especially compared to how I was before Al-anon). But this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and if I am not in constant acceptance of that, I can get sucked in without even realizing I'm slipping. In my situation, I now think the relationship will never work because he is in extreme denial of his own problems and the depth of them. I have learned a valuable process of compassion for the sick A. Now I'm starting to think I have to learn to walk away anyway.

So, I am trying to practice paying MORE attention to myself than to him, giving more weight to MY desires than his. His recovery (or not) is his business and mine is mine.

MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

I'm trying to put myself first. He's a wonderful human, a beautiful spirit. BUT SO AM I. AND HE IS NOT A GOOD STEWARD OF THE RELATIONSHIP. I deserve more. A sick person, a person in the infancy of recovery, or a person in full-blown denial is not capable of giving me what I deserve. They aren't even capable of giving THEMSELVES what they deserve.

So I'm asking my higher power to do everything that needs to be done. I feel blind, I feel hurt, I feel angry, I feel defeated, I feel disappointed, I feel resentful, I feel accepting. It's a big jumble and I'm trying to give myself time to let the feelings ease before I take permanent action. However, I feel like I have passed a turning point. It sounds like you have as well -- death will do that, make a person intolerant of any ********.

I hope anything I said was supportive or helpful. I'm really struggling right now. Please take what you like and leave the rest -- but you are not alone.

Thank you so much for sharing your post.

sailorjohn

But you just have to walk away. I can relate, but my so has NEVER been sober, and the denial there is firmly entrenched. I can honestly say I had an easier time getting sober than ending this relationship, giving walking away from it one more try, it really is all I can do. I can dismiss those emotion laden words like "I love her", and substitute "I care about her well being" If I do honestly care about her well being, I will stop enabling her and let her find her own bottom, if she can.


:codiepolice



Sorry about the levity, but I need that cop to watch me very carefully!

tennis71

My words of wisdom are the Serenity Prayer - God, Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, Courage to Change the Things I Can and the Wisdom to Know the Difference.

Only he can change his drinking and nothing you do or say will change that fact. What you can do is work on your own recovery from his addiction. In time the best course of action will be revealed.

I know that this might not be the answer your looking for so take what you want from my post and everyone else's and hopefully what you take will help guide you along your journey.

Welcome to SR, this and Al Anon are safe places for you and your family!

Miss Pink

He is penetrating emotional manipulation (we love each other, 7 years, blah blah) to get you to NOT do what you are doing.

When his BEHAVIOR matches sober words, then you can consider he is actually sober. Until then, nothing has really changed, has it?