gns

Hi Everyone.

Thank you so much for responding to my previous post - I was at a conference so it was hard to reply, but I read alot and really appreciated the advice and input.

As you probably know, I have had a lot of difficulty separating from this last "relationship". It wasn't that long or even that physically intimate, so it makes me think about why, and my "attachments". Is he really that special, or am I holding on to childish needs.

One of the things that I have noticed is that I am VERY invested in this picture of relationship/house/dog. I think to the point that I miss the fact that the person I am dating may not be the right person for that picture. Also when I don't have that picture (now), I don't appreciate all the wonderful things and people in my life (like my friends).

Recently I have been thinking that the "picture" prevents me from having real intimacy with the person standing in front of me, good (hopefully) or bad (not seeing my AXBF for who he is). When I actually see the person I feel "duped" and freaked out about not having "the picture" and never being able to have it.

I think having that picture may be very bad for me.

Anyone else with thoughts and experience about this?

Barbara52

I think I allowed "the picture" to lead me (in part) to my decision to marry a man I knew to be an alcoholic. For me, I think that picture was just an unspoken desire to fit the expected mold, to have to be part of a married couple to be truly successful in life, that without marriage I was somehow a failure in life.

What's really strange (and I am still working on figuring this all out) is that I don't think I really believed that even then. I had been happily single for 10+years after the end of my 1st marriage. Yet I somehow let myself convince myself I needed to be married and willfully ignored all the redflags.

I think it comes down to what I am viewing as the SHOULDS in life. Those SHOULDS have caused me problems, big time. I am learning to dismiss those shoulds, where ever they spring from. There are no SHOULDs in life. Rather than I SHOULD do X, I am now figuring out what I want to do/be/say.

katyk

I have a lot of anger towards my AH because his disease has caused the death of my dream. I feel like we had that ideal family, before he became sick. I want to keep my house. I want children. None of that is now possible. And I'm pissed. Worse than that, I felt like I was becoming a bitter person (the last thing I want to be) because I feel overcome with loss and regret when I see other's that have a seemingly intact family with a bouncing baby on their hip. I thought that was going to be my life, and it may be in the future with someone else, I don't know. But seeing happy families triggers my feelings of loss. My recovery is helping me not feel angry towards innocent bystanders, but its something I struggle with.

FormerDoormat

You know what I've learned recently? That I prevent myself from having real intimacy with the person standing in front of me. I do this in several ways. One way I do it is by saying things that I know will keep people at a distance. Another way I do it is by padding my body with extra pounds and then claiming my obesity is keeping me from having real intimacy.

So, while I use have several different methods to avoid intimacy there is one common denominator--and that's ME.

I love your threads, GNS, and how you dig deep to understand your past and current behaviors. You are not the only one who learns and grows as a result of your efforts. Every time I read your posts, I learn and grow, too. So for all that and more, this is for you:

GiveLove

Hey gns,

I have mixed feelings about "the picture." Personally, I don't mind having a picture of what I want out of a romantic relationship. I want someone I trust enough to live with, have a home with, someone fun to have a dog with, loving and smart and funny, and no addictions please.

That is my "bar" I set eventually, after escaping my last messy alcoholic relationship. I found myself uninterested in men who didn't seem trustworthy, or who weren't smart and funny, or who hated dogs, or who toted around so much baggage they were terrified of the thought of a committed, caring relationship. My dating choices came out of my picture of the kind of person I belonged with -- like a roadmap -- and I'm not sorry I carried it around.

Where it got me in trouble was long ago, when I would try to force people into my picture who really, really didn't belong in it. Alcoholics, unfaithful men, addicts, liars, self-centered narcissists, bigots. At one time, I wanted the picture so badly that in my mind I tried to mash people into it who simply didn't belong there. That made for some really painful years. I did a lot of work around "the picture" with a therapist, and cleaned up my act a lot.

I still carry the picture in my head, as a touchstone for what's important to me. But I'm no longer desperate to "have it at all costs" if it means trying to force someone into the role in my mind. (I can feel when I'm trying to do that now....it feels tight and desperate and fearful, not freeing and strong and grateful)

I'd rather not have anyone else in it, than have the wrong person in it.

LaTeeDa

Great thread gns. I agree with what was said above about how great it is that you are willing to look at the deeper issues and try to find answers for yourself. That's what recovery is all about.

My feelings on this subject are similar to GiveLove's. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting certain things out of life, it only becomes a problem when you want it so badly that you sacrifice yourself to get it.

Reminds me of the quote by John Lennon: "Life is what happens while your busy making other plans."

In my own life, the attachment to the dream caused me much suffering. I have not given up the dream, although through this process it has changed somewhat. What I had to give up was my attachment to it. I know that I may not ever get exactly what I "think" I want. But, I do know that whatever life hands me will be exactly what I need. I also know that even though I may not be living my dream at this moment, life is beautiful and I am ever so grateful for what I have right now.

So my new philosphy of life is "go with the flow." If I am so narrowly focused on what I think my life should look like, I will miss all the wonderful things that are meant for me. And they may not be what I asked for, but that's the adventure!

Your recovery is showing.

L

Shivaya

FD, you have given me an "Aha" moment today! Oh man, I need to discuss this with my counselor next week. Yikes, do I think I don't deserve intimacy? Uh oh, something else I need to work on, and this one's a biggie!

Thanks,

Shivaya

gns

Thank you anvilhead and barbara, your messages were very helpful and right on!

Givelove, I understand what you mean. In my therapy session today we talked about my desire to fill in the Dick and Jane perfect family with the man du jour for me. I think I really want to find a "real relationship" with someone rather than a "lifestyle"


KatyK I sometimes get angry and bitter about not having "my dream", too.

FormerDoormat and LaTeeDa, thank you so much for your personal encouragement. Both of you are always so thoughtful and wise, your support means alot to me!! FDM, Thank you for the hug!

sailorjohn

I can relate to this so much, been involved in this very toxic relationship for 17 months off and on. Off again, and I have to struggle mightily to detach myself from this. And that was part of the "picture", she has 2 young kids, 5 and 7, and I know somewhere in the back of my mind I can redeem myself for not being the best father to my now 17 year old son.


The toughest part of this picture, she is very, very much like my alcoholic bipolar mother, you can imagine what I felt like when I figured that out. Watching this unfold, realizing the damage she's doing to herself and her kids is almost unbearable. Finally knowing that you can't save anyone and that you have to let them face life on their own, with no rational/sober friends or family.


So now I have to get back to that stage where I was when I let her back into my life, grieving inconsolably. Not sure how long it will take, but I've read that it will take as long as it takes and it isn't necessarily a linear thing BUT if I do everything I'm supposed to do I'll get to that place of acceptance and I'll be okay.