not coming home again
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: rochester ny
Posts: 2
not coming home again
hello to all. my question is this. Ive read about being an enabler. what exactly is that please. and what is it that we are doing to enable our husbands , wives etc. to drink or not to drink whatever the case maybe. my husband has been in rehab since May. was due to come home the end of this month, now its the end of next month , maybe, he says that he still wants to drink WHY? the stressers are gone that were here before, so what is the problem, at one time he wanted a separation, is this his way of being separated? working and living where I think he wants to be, he keeps telling me hes crazy, PTSD, bipolar (mixed) what is that please. quite a handful wouldnt you say. I thought maybe we would be able to get back on our feet again and get caught up with back bills? he can go to work now and still stay in theraphy? he doesnt know whay he wants to drink again, or is this just an excuse to not be at home again for a while? sorry for all the questions, just gets very frustrating and confusing. no straight answer ever comes from him, the answer is I dont know. please help me,
always rubyshoes
always rubyshoes
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Ruby,
And Welcome
Wow... OK, first things first.
Enabling is exactly as it sounds. It is the actions we take in reaction to our loved ones drinking. It is our behaviors in protecting ourselves, and controlling the insanity of alcoholism... which in turn provide an environment where an alcoholic can exist, and continue to drink. WE make them "able"... though it is a subconscious response on our part.
For example: My husband and I own a business - we provide an essential service to the people in our town. Often he would be drunk and high, for Saturday, Sunday and into Monday. While he was passed out in bed, or perhaps not even home yet, the phone would start ringing at our house. People were wondering where he was, how come their needs aren't being met... As an enabler, I would #1. ANSWER the phone and #2. Provide an excuse, a lie, as to where my husband was and "smooth things over" so that nobody suspected the truth; so that I wasn't embarresed; so that HE wouldn't lose customers. BUT... what this did for my husband was the problem. I took over ALL responsibilty of his irresponsibility; I took the fall for him. Soon, he realized that I would CONTINUE to do this... time and time again. And in turn, HE could drink, miss work... and get off scott-free. He didn't have to face up to the consequences of his actions, and most importantly, he didn't have to feel like the shame and despair of what he had done.
I also wanted to try to help you understand what your A might be going thru right now. Now, I can only assume things... every situation is different and I don't know all the facts of yours in particular.
If he has been thru treatment, chances are he is beginning to understand his disease... and realize how essential his recovery is. For many / most alcoholics who have reached a bottom, their recovery is actually SAVING their lives.
It is quite common for them to want to be seperated from the environment their existed in when they were using alcohol; their are so many triggers, and often it is easier to make a whole NEW start. Alcoholics in recovery HAVE to put themselves first (just as WE should )... their recovery from what was poisoning them is top priority.
As hard as it is to be involved with an "active" alcoholic, it is often just as hard to be involved with an alcoholic in recovery; what we know and expect of them has changed. Sometimes it feels as if we are seeing a stranger... And the ironic part is that THAT stranger is the REAL them; the one that they used alcohol to bury away.
I am only beginning to get to know the stranger in MY house... my husband has been sober for just over 60 days - on his 2nd attempt.
I hope that one day you'll get out to an Alanon meeting - if you haven't already. So many questions like the ones you asked can be answered. But the best part is that you will soon realize that NONE of HIS sobriety and recovery matters, if you can't take care of yourself first.
Take care, and come back
Meg
And Welcome
Wow... OK, first things first.
Enabling is exactly as it sounds. It is the actions we take in reaction to our loved ones drinking. It is our behaviors in protecting ourselves, and controlling the insanity of alcoholism... which in turn provide an environment where an alcoholic can exist, and continue to drink. WE make them "able"... though it is a subconscious response on our part.
For example: My husband and I own a business - we provide an essential service to the people in our town. Often he would be drunk and high, for Saturday, Sunday and into Monday. While he was passed out in bed, or perhaps not even home yet, the phone would start ringing at our house. People were wondering where he was, how come their needs aren't being met... As an enabler, I would #1. ANSWER the phone and #2. Provide an excuse, a lie, as to where my husband was and "smooth things over" so that nobody suspected the truth; so that I wasn't embarresed; so that HE wouldn't lose customers. BUT... what this did for my husband was the problem. I took over ALL responsibilty of his irresponsibility; I took the fall for him. Soon, he realized that I would CONTINUE to do this... time and time again. And in turn, HE could drink, miss work... and get off scott-free. He didn't have to face up to the consequences of his actions, and most importantly, he didn't have to feel like the shame and despair of what he had done.
I also wanted to try to help you understand what your A might be going thru right now. Now, I can only assume things... every situation is different and I don't know all the facts of yours in particular.
If he has been thru treatment, chances are he is beginning to understand his disease... and realize how essential his recovery is. For many / most alcoholics who have reached a bottom, their recovery is actually SAVING their lives.
It is quite common for them to want to be seperated from the environment their existed in when they were using alcohol; their are so many triggers, and often it is easier to make a whole NEW start. Alcoholics in recovery HAVE to put themselves first (just as WE should
)... their recovery from what was poisoning them is top priority.As hard as it is to be involved with an "active" alcoholic, it is often just as hard to be involved with an alcoholic in recovery; what we know and expect of them has changed. Sometimes it feels as if we are seeing a stranger... And the ironic part is that THAT stranger is the REAL them; the one that they used alcohol to bury away.
I am only beginning to get to know the stranger in MY house... my husband has been sober for just over 60 days - on his 2nd attempt.
I hope that one day you'll get out to an Alanon meeting - if you haven't already. So many questions like the ones you asked can be answered. But the best part is that you will soon realize that NONE of HIS sobriety and recovery matters, if you can't take care of yourself first.
Take care, and come back
Meg
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Ruby
There is a very good thread (addictive personality) that I think explains enabling very well http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
I know when my hubby was in rehab, he was very content to stay there and probably would have stayed there longer had they let him. I think it was something about a controlled environment.
No one really knows what your hubby is thinking but him. And perhaps its a good thing he wants to stay longer and work on his problems and his recovery and hopefully he will come out with a strong aftercare plan that keeps him sober forever.
My suggestion would be to take the time you have now to work on you. Attend some Al-Anon readings, get some literature to read, and start getting your life back on track - with or without him.
I am sure things will eventually work out for the best for you both. I hope you keep coming back here. This is a great place for strength and support. Take a look at the power posts at the top of the anon forums, you will find something there that you can relate to.
You take care and I hope to see you soon.
Many hugs,
Debbie
There is a very good thread (addictive personality) that I think explains enabling very well http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=2168
I know when my hubby was in rehab, he was very content to stay there and probably would have stayed there longer had they let him. I think it was something about a controlled environment.
No one really knows what your hubby is thinking but him. And perhaps its a good thing he wants to stay longer and work on his problems and his recovery and hopefully he will come out with a strong aftercare plan that keeps him sober forever.
My suggestion would be to take the time you have now to work on you. Attend some Al-Anon readings, get some literature to read, and start getting your life back on track - with or without him.
I am sure things will eventually work out for the best for you both. I hope you keep coming back here. This is a great place for strength and support. Take a look at the power posts at the top of the anon forums, you will find something there that you can relate to.
You take care and I hope to see you soon.
Many hugs,
Debbie
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