DMPA

First...I want to thank all of you for your responses. I do think I should clear a few things up and add some things that we discussed last night.

They do know that we are seeing each other. They just don't discuss it. He doesn't volunteer but answers what they ask. The only question they have ever asked is if we are still together. His mother won't even ask that. She told him when he moved out of the home almost a year ago that she would never accept our relationship or me. She acts like I don't exist.

I understand that they (his children and his mother) may never forgive or accept me...but the kids are coming around to him, even knowing that we are together.


When he was in treatment, his wife gathered evidence of our affair and took it to his mother claiming that I was the reason he was on drugs and also accused me of doing drugs with him. His family has a history of drug and alcohol problems (his father was an alcoholic, one of his siblings died of alcoholism and his other sibling is in prison for drugs).

His mother panicked and confronted me with this information..she was understandably upset and angry and said some horrible things to me. I didn't respond..just listened. Before she left, she told me that his then-wife, would be coming to confront me.

Well...she did.. She came to my work and screamed profanity at me, telling me to stay away from her husband. I told her-calmly that I had not or never would pursue her husband and that she knew that from his phone records etc....BUT...that I would not turn him away if he came to me. She continued her ranting and raving and said that she was going to have her good Christian 18 year old come and kick my a**. She left after about 15 min.

I didn't hear anymore from her for several months then one Sunday at church..with a congregation of about 1500, she accosted me. She grabbed my arm then drug her younger child by the arm up to my face and said "this is who your father's been sleeping with"..yeah...it was awful. I asked her to please not do this. The child was more mortified than I was. Finally, someone grabbed her by the arm and told her that was enough, it's time to leave.

The final confrontation was after the divorce. I was dropping something off at my boyfriend's house and was in my vehicle while he stood outside of it. She pulled up, parked, walked up to us and said to him "I guess you're still seeing your fat, (reference to ethnicity), crater faced who**"... the three of us "conversed" pretty calmly for about 30 minutes with her mostly calling names and telling him how his kids hate him and then...she pulls out her cell phone and says she wants them to come and see us together. She calls her kids and indicates to them that she has caught us in a "compromising" situation. He asked her to please not bring them into it and she told him no, that they should see.

I started to crank my vehicle to leave and she reached in across me trying to take my keys out..also grabbing my hair and shirt trying to pull them out/off. He finally pulled her away, telling her that she would go to jail and she seemed to get a hold of herself. She kept talking and saying that the kids were on the way so I attempted to leave again. She attacked me again... well...I grabbed my cell phone and dialed 911. I drove down the street to wait for the police and the kids showed up. I wasn't there, all I know is what the police told me and what my boyfriend told me and, evidently, the kids told him he was dead to them and they would never speak to him again. etc. etc.

The reason I wanted you to know that is to show...this man is willing to try to work with her about the kids. She has done nothing but harrass, threaten and use the children against him. The kids have finally gotten to the point that they talk to him once or twice a week and will see him once or twice a month.


I asked him if he mentions me to his coworkers or friends and he told me he talks to them about me/us all the time. He brought up recent instances that "our life" was brought into their conversations.

All of your responses are appreciated...I don't agree with all of them but... I do appreciate your input and experience.

We are together taking things one day at a time, one step at a time. I get impatient sometimes and I will continue to work on that.

Today-I am enjoying a beautiful, loving relationship.

Thanks again.

DMPA

I wanted to respond separately to this because I feel it's so significant. Boyfriend and I talked at length about this issue particularly.

He is not just a man who is no longer drinking. He has changed and grown "all over"...and continues to grow in his recovery. That is the key to his sobriety..

if all you took away was the alcohol, You're right, I would definitely NOT want a relationship with him...not knowing what I know now. BUT...like I said, he is NOT the same.

carolineb

God sends you a stone before he throws you a rock.

If I have to post about my relationship/issues with relationship....then that is enough. So much drama. Not good enough for me.

I wish you all the best. Your head knows what to do long before your heart agrees.

FormerDoormat

I didn't the find the response that said "I will flame you" as being inflammatory--only an honest response from a woman who doesn't mince words. Nothing wrong with that IMHO. It takes courage to say the hard stuff. It takes even more courage to listen to the hard stuff.

Listening to the hard stuff made me stronger and helped me grow. Sometimes, though, I appreciated a softer hand. To be honest, I NEEDED both types of responses to lift me out of the abyss that I had created for myself.

Sometimes when I say "don't flame me" I'm trying to shield myself from accepting the truth. But the truth has a way of rearing it's ugly head. It rises to the surface over and over again, until I'm willing to deal with it.

What is your truth, DMPA?

LaTeeDa

You seem to be justifying your relationship and his actions based on her (the ex-wife) being crazy and wrong. This is just backwards. If I had caught my husband having and affair while we were still married, and while I was already going through the insanity of alcoholism, there's no telling what kind of crazy things I might have done. Her actions do not justify yours. If anything, it's the other way around.

Again, the main question to ask yourself is why you don't believe you deserve someone with more integrity. Simple as that.

L

DMPA

I didn't really take it as inflammatory either...and I'm sincere in my appreciation for all the responses. Agreeing or disagreeing aside, I am looking for opinions and information to help ME make my own decisions.

Thanks

not trying to justify my actions at all. just an explanation to those who pointed out that he should be trying to work with his exwife for the children. she's made it very clear she will NOT work with him on anything, including the children, even if it's in their best interest.

LaTeeDa

I didn't say your actions, I said his actions. Anyway, his previous actions are why she does not want to "work with him." And I can't honestly said I would either. She is obviously very hurt and expecting her to just "get over it" and be rational is not very realistic. I'm not saying she's right, just that I empathize with her. He made the choice for things to be this way, not her.

L

LaTeeDa

I have to add that I have seen this dynamic before. The ex hates the other woman, the other woman hates the ex, and the man (who is the center and cause of the problem) gets to sit back and collect all the attention from both. It really seems like a huge ego trip to me.

JMHO,
L

DMPA

Never expected her to just "get over it"...I empathize with her also. But yeah, I expect her to be rational when it comes to her children.

She has attacked me and her exhusband in numerous ways (physically, verbally, financially etc)and we've taken it with no resistance or complaint because we feel we've brought it on ourselves. We just try to avoid her and try not to give her any more reason to hate or hurt.

Her children are the ones she's hurting in her "irrationality".

I don't hate her, have never hated her. Hope she can be happy one day.

NYC_Chick

NoelleR:

From what I have read, seen (with several alcoholics in my family and my current xabf), and been told by two therapist, alcoholics "tend" to be selfish people. I've yet to find one that isn't. Could it be an over generalization? Maybe, but prejudice, not at all.

Also - I think this board is meant to be a place that is safe to be who you are without someone correcting what it is you are doing wrong, like you correcting anvil's statement. I think we've all had enough "corrections" by others in out lifetime. Why do you care how anyone says anything on here?

LaTeeDa

Yep, my therapist told me the exact same thing. And guess what, it proved to be true with my ex. Even though he has gotten better since he's gotten sober, he still pulls some really selfish stunts now and then. Which wouldn't really matter to me if it didn't hurt my children............and that is actually one of the main topics of this thread.

L

Barbara52

His relationship with his children is what I see as important through all of this too LTD. As I said before, I would never allow a relationship with a man interfere with my relationship with my sons. Now, I've never been in a similar situation but for me, having been through 2 marriages and a number of dating relationships in bewteen those marriages, I know that I did put my kids first and would do so again. There were a number of dating relationships I ended because it was causing problems for my then young children.

NoelleR

"...From what I have read, seen (with several alcoholics in my family and my current xabf), and been told by two therapist, alcoholics "tend" to be selfish people. I've yet to find one that isn't. Could it be an over generalization? Maybe, but prejudice, not at all..."

"...Yep, my therapist told me the exact same thing..."


Ah, well, if a therapist says it, it must be true.....lol. (now before some of y'all get yer knickers in a knot, this is jes joshin..... (o: Although I've known plenty of therapists who say all kinds of things depending on their clients (and even conflicting statements depending on their clients....)

I guess I need to clarify my original statement.....Yes, most addicts/alcoholics tend to be selfish while in their addiction, but in/thru recovery that selfishness left....the only selfish/recovered alcoholics/addicts I know are those who were selfish before they got into their addictions (they got sober/clean; recovered from their addictions, but not from their defective life-issues.

...and yes, I still see saying that alcoholics/addicts, whether still in their addictions or recovered, are selfish as an inflamatory and prejudicial (tending to impair and/or injure; leading to premature judgment or unwarranted opinion). I see that statement as fitting those definitions to a tee, but that could just be my perception.....I wish you could meet me, and/or most of my friends who are recovered.....not a selfish bone amongst them. I've found that whatever one searches/looks for something (especially when they believe), that's what they'll find. I searched for lousy, hypocritical 'christians' and that's what I found, passing over some really lovely, honest passionate folks.....just a thought.

....and NYC_Chick...."...Also - I think this board is meant to be a place that is safe to be who you are without someone correcting what it is you are doing wrong, like you correcting anvil's statement. I think we've all had enough "corrections" by others in out lifetime. Why do you care how anyone says anything on here?..." ----- lighten up.....it was just a joke...and besides, it was NOT meant as correction, but as informative/educational.....lolol


NoelleR

steve11694

I do know that for me if there was a possibility that a relationship with a woman had a chance of harming my relationship with my daughter, I'd say good by to the woman. My daughter will always be my daughter. I have learned women come and go.

LaTeeDa

Maybe you should start your own thread so we could all "meet" you instead of hijacking this one, which happens to be about a selfish recovered alcoholic.



L

DMPA

but i have to say...


my first thoughts for a response are "isn't your happiness a pretty big responsibility to put on your children?"

denny57

I know I don't always react well when an addict, in recovery, reformed or not, tells me to lighten up, get the joke or how I should think. I respect where addicts are coming from. I have no idea what it's like to be an addict. My personal experience is that an addict cannot truly understand what it is like to be the person having to deal with their addiction.

Sorry to hijack the thread - I agree with those above who say the children come first.

LaTeeDa

My happiness is my responsibility. So is not harming my children through my actions.

L

FormerDoormat

Thank you for your honesty, DPMA. I know that was difficult to share. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is this:

There are consequences for my actions. The unpleasant encounters you've had with your boyfriend's ex-wife are directly a result of your actions. No if, ands, or buts about it.

It always amazes me when I watch shows like Springer that the jilted lover is nearly always angrier with the other woman/man than their spouse. I guess that's what's known as displaced anger.

Displaced anger or not, this woman has every right to be angry. She and her children have been hurt by your actions. They have suffered emotional and probably financial harm as a result of your relationship with her husband. It takes two to tango. The way I see it is both you and you boyfriend are equally responsible for the break up of this woman's marriage.

Healthy relationships need a firm foundation from which to flourish and grow. Relationships with married people are unhealthy from the start. They tend to be based on neediness and deception and, as you've seen first-hand, they often leave a path of destruction in their wake. In my experience, nothing good ever comes of relationships like these.

FormerDoormat

Noelle: I've had my own, unique experience living with an addict--both in and out of sobriety. I am capable of making up my own mind about whether addicts tend to be selfish people or not.

Your tendency to want to correct others' posts and "inform" the members of this forum with your knowledge of editing comes off as you having a bit of a superiority complex IMHO. It isn't very becoming and it brings back plenty of unpleasant memories of my alcoholic boyfriend's behavior.

The best way to prove me that most recovering alcoholics aren't selfish is by allowing me the dignity to have my own opinions.