Mair

After 3 months of being with ME, ive gone through the motions i guess, ive cried, ive been angry, sad, happy, sad again to eventually feeling happy most of the time and have really relished the peace in my life. I know that it takes time to get over leaving someone you love and i feel that i have reached this point, but im starting to wonder if im doing this the right way.

I'm one of the lucky ones i dont see my xab passing in the street or anything he lives in another town, i could easily not see him for years and years. The thought of seeing him makes me feel ill and im not happy with this feeling and it's restricting where i go. We travelled about a lot!!

Last week i had to go to a meeting with work, which to my horror was in the town where my xab lives, i felt anxious, scared you name it i so wanted not to be there. Driving through the town i was scanning the area like a looney, had some feelings of sadness when i passed places where we used to go, feelings of sorrow passing the drinking holes that he loves so much, it felt so so long ago. I hate these feeling i dont want them anymore, i dont want reminders but mabye it's time i faced them and put them to rest. Thing is ive been thinking mabye it's good that i revisit these places, i dunno what do you lot think , am i recovering or am i hiding like a scared rabbit.

Mair

peaceteach

Mair,
I think it's the codie in you, and what you are doing is self-protection from the abuse you suffered from being in such a bad relationship. It's okay to keep yourself protected from the fear and harm for as long as you like, I think. Those scary "flashbacks" and panicked feelings when revisiting places where bad things happened are very normal, IMO. You don't have to rush anything until you are ready. And each time you are faced with the fear and survive it, you get a little stronger. It all just takes time, so try and be patient and loving with yourself, and know that we all experience these moments.

Barbara52

Perhaps you need to desensitize yourself to the locations you associate with your ex by going to them with others to help removing the association in your mind with your ex?

Or perhaps work through in your mind just what is the worst case scenario that you fear and how you would handle it if it happened?

Mair

You know what Barbara i dont even know what the worst case scenario would be. probably seeing him and having to talk to him, im so scared of reopening my wounds, i guess im still pretty fragile. You are right in saying that i need to desensitize myself to the locations that we went to and that is something i will definately try.

Peaceteach "And each time you are faced with the fear and survive it, you get a little stronger" Thanks for this it is so true.

Mair

Spiritual Seeker

No matter the situation, it is normal to miss the man, the relationship, the possibilities and to have mixed feelings about all the memories. The memories can make us feel lonely.
If you do run into him, can you just be in the moment, say hello and wish him well?
Or are you still too angry?
Stay positive, you can handle whatever comes. The tough days are behind you.

LaTeeDa

Here is a really good thread from the archives about overwriting the old memories with new ones.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-memories.html

Mair

Wise words from a very wise lady (Minnie). thank you LTD i am going to take a deep breath and i am going to conquer this. Ahh i love this place.

Mair

Mair

Spiritual Seeker, im glad to say the anger bit has gone. And you are so right memories can make me lonley, im mabye a bit possesive of my happiness and scared of feeling hurt again, but i need to learn how to deal with the downs in my life and not be scared of them. Thank you

Mair

denny57

Well, LTD beat me to it with Minnie's old post LOL! I'm a big believer in rewriting old memories, and I actually did some of that with Minnie herself in London a year ago. We went to many of the places there AH and I had gone over and over throught the years and it was wonderful.

I got to spend last week with Minnie visiting here and it was fun to have her share in some of my "new" life.

AH still lives nearby and I rarely see him. Yet saw him twice while Minnie was here - how weird is that? The reasons I'd rather not are tied to the divorce proceedings, but his emotional hold on me is gone. Have you tried one on one counseling?

Mair

Hi Denny, ive just found out that my workplace will pay for 6 sessions for councelling whether work related or personel so im going to give it a go. Glad to hear you and Minnie had a good time, she's a star.

Mair

carolineb

.........be gentle with yourself. It's OKAY to feel this way and so normal. All part of the healing process. Let yourself feel it. You don't sound paralyzed, just working through it, talking about.......all good.

Nothing good ever happens quickly.

Mair

"the more facets the diamond has, the more brilliant the sparkle.....our stories are our facets......"

Genious Anvil. My xab was my old flame we hadnt seen each other for 10 years. I always thought about him wherever i went with a warm feeling. I dont need to tell how much he'd changed. Thanks for this

Mairxx