Half Crazy / Half Mad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Half Crazy / Half Mad
I've felt positively crazy here lately, my mind has been a whirr of thoughts. I still feel I'm done with my wife - but realizing I'm not over my marriage. Does that make sense to anyone? I miss my marriage and sometimes my wife is in the situations I miss but almost every time I miss I can think of a situation close to that time or during that exact time that ended up with her drunk and acting stupid and me getting blamed... what's worse is that I took it and then begged forgiveness.
The part of me that's not crazy is mad - partly at her but partly at myself as well. How??? Why??? What??? Why would I let her treat me that way? In one breath she would tell me how awesome I was and that she loved me and then in the other she would tell me what a horrible, abusive and unforgiving person I was. I really feel like I should be letting a lot of this go by now.
I started writing a leter to her today, not to give to her but just to verbalize some things. I can look back at every year of the last 9 and peg 3-4 times each year where she got drunk (stumbling, vomiting, passing out) and then we got into it and it was blamed on me.
It's confusing. I really thought I was all good and then stuff started hitting me. I think I'm losing it... not sure I ever had it to start with.
The part of me that's not crazy is mad - partly at her but partly at myself as well. How??? Why??? What??? Why would I let her treat me that way? In one breath she would tell me how awesome I was and that she loved me and then in the other she would tell me what a horrible, abusive and unforgiving person I was. I really feel like I should be letting a lot of this go by now.
I started writing a leter to her today, not to give to her but just to verbalize some things. I can look back at every year of the last 9 and peg 3-4 times each year where she got drunk (stumbling, vomiting, passing out) and then we got into it and it was blamed on me.
It's confusing. I really thought I was all good and then stuff started hitting me. I think I'm losing it... not sure I ever had it to start with.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hey TD,
I remember feeling the way you are feeling about "marriage" but not really missing the A spouse. It's just a crushing blow to divorce, truly. It even sounded like a dirty word to me when I first found myself in the process, and also for about a year or two after. I hated being a "statistic" of failure. I hated that I was alone, or going to events alone when everyone else was a couple. But truthfully, I didn't miss the actual other half of the couple, just the coupleness. I was smug while married, as if I was somehow better than those single people out there. Then when I divorced, I was just sure that others were feeling very smug around me about their coupleness next to my singleness.
I'm just past the third year of being divorced now, TD, and it's so much easier. Time is really a healer, like they say. I don't mind saying divorced now, and I'm very content to go places now as a single. You will get there, believe me. Hang tough, guy, and know that everyone goes through this in the whole divorce process. You are not alone.
I remember feeling the way you are feeling about "marriage" but not really missing the A spouse. It's just a crushing blow to divorce, truly. It even sounded like a dirty word to me when I first found myself in the process, and also for about a year or two after. I hated being a "statistic" of failure. I hated that I was alone, or going to events alone when everyone else was a couple. But truthfully, I didn't miss the actual other half of the couple, just the coupleness. I was smug while married, as if I was somehow better than those single people out there. Then when I divorced, I was just sure that others were feeling very smug around me about their coupleness next to my singleness.
I'm just past the third year of being divorced now, TD, and it's so much easier. Time is really a healer, like they say. I don't mind saying divorced now, and I'm very content to go places now as a single. You will get there, believe me. Hang tough, guy, and know that everyone goes through this in the whole divorce process. You are not alone.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Sorry your feeling this way. I personally think it's a disease that everyone feels crazy when involved. I would sit there and say things like it's not that bad, but know it was that bad. I justified every instance and i would get sooo mad at him for being drunk but then he would say something that would make me believe him and the cycle would start all over again.
I think it's hard to understand where an alcoholic is coming from and what they are thinking and I think that can make us feel like we are going crazy. Hang in there, your doing great!
:ghug3
I think it's hard to understand where an alcoholic is coming from and what they are thinking and I think that can make us feel like we are going crazy. Hang in there, your doing great!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
It would say that it might be crazy not to think your somewhat crazy in your situation, but you are not crazy. You are in a situation where your spouse is not behaving rationally and you are just dealing with it as best as you can. That comes off sometimes as you thinking that you are the crazy one.
Talking about your problem is a great start (you are affected by an alcoholic which has created a problem for you through no fault of your own). It sounds like you might even be working the Al Anon steps but I might suggest getting help in doing them as they are very emotional (if you haven't already).
I am only speculating as I am in AA and I need help working my steps from someone who can relate and help to guide me down the right path. You might find a way that works better for you in your life which is the over all goal.
I wish you the best of luck and keep coming back to SR!
Talking about your problem is a great start (you are affected by an alcoholic which has created a problem for you through no fault of your own). It sounds like you might even be working the Al Anon steps but I might suggest getting help in doing them as they are very emotional (if you haven't already).
I am only speculating as I am in AA and I need help working my steps from someone who can relate and help to guide me down the right path. You might find a way that works better for you in your life which is the over all goal.
I wish you the best of luck and keep coming back to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Sounds to me like you are reacing a new level of understanding and feeling. For me, it often feels truly bad jsut before I reach a breakthru in my recovery from it all. Perhaps that is wha tis going on for you also. If so, once you deal with whatever is working its way to the surface, you may have an Ah ha! moment and start moving forward even more than you have been.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
TD
Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. Divorce is a crazy-making event. Add to that the trauma of living with addiction and....well.....it's just going to feel bad for a while. That is.....until it starts to feel better....and it will feel better.....really.
gentle hugs
Sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. Divorce is a crazy-making event. Add to that the trauma of living with addiction and....well.....it's just going to feel bad for a while. That is.....until it starts to feel better....and it will feel better.....really.
gentle hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
