I am afraid

Old 06-28-2003, 12:29 PM
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((((((((Daffodil))))))))

Boy, you jerked a few tears right out of my heart. I need my Grandma so much right now. I've never felt so alone.

Thanks for your support and would you be my Grandma?

Much love,
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Old 06-28-2003, 12:56 PM
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((((((((((((2Many)))))))))))

OF COURSE! The thing about love is

the more I give away the More I get back...

I love you Dear Heart...YOU'RE DOING GREAT! I will be right here
asap whenever you need to share...you also can email me....

Love, Your New Gram

in the Pacific North West.....
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Old 06-28-2003, 03:51 PM
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Thanks Gram.
I haven't had one in 3 years that I could call on. You made me smile today which I haven't done in days.

Love,
2many2count
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Old 06-29-2003, 12:04 AM
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2Many,
I know that I am a little late in replying to your post but I wanted you to know that my heart is breaking for you and your children. I agree with the others that you need to find and safe place to go to. Safety must be the top priority for your family. I am sitting here trying to organize my thoughts as I type because there are so many things that I would like to say to you. First of all I have a friend that has Bi-Polar and I know how hard that is to live with. She also has a panic disorder and PTSD. My daughter also suffers from PTSD. This is the worst disorder in my opinion. any horrible event is traumatic enough in it self but when it brings a million other memories to light it is devastating.

My first thought when I read your post was that if you can get to washington state you are welcome to stay with us. I know that is a huge distance to travel but you are welcome if you need a place to go. I am well connected in my community with resources that could help you. But then I had a more realisitc thought, there are the same type of services in your state that there are here. So I did what I would do if I was in your shoes. I looked up (for your state) the state domestic violence organization. Maybe if you call them they can help you to make a plan that you can feel ok about. the site address is http://www.nccadv.org/nccadv.htm

Now I want to tell you why I think that might help.
I had a friend here in my town that was being emotionally abused by her husband. she had gone to the local DV office and had counselled with some of the women there and had for months and months seemed like she was dealing with it ok. At times it even seemed like she was doing better and they were "honeymooning" again. (part of the cycle of abuse) Then childrens services came and took the kids. They went through some terrible days before the court date but on that day she got the kids back. She spent alot of time with the ladies at the DV office here and one day she disappeared. I wondered where she had gone. She was someone that I knew for over 12 years. then she called me not to long ago. she was living in another town. The DV office here had bought her and her kids a bus ticket and set her up in a nice emergency shelter for about 2 weeks while they helped her find an apartment. She now has a job, a home and is on her way to a "normal" life. The last time I talked to her she said that it was the best thing that she had ever done even on the hard days.

Now I am not saying that you have to leave or anything like that. I know how hard that is. There are a million reasons to stay. I know I could come up with them. But maybe just maybe it would be worth it to see what it available if you feel like you are ready or need to take that step. Most of the time the women that volunteer for the domestic violence organizations are women who have been through some pretty rough stuff so they understand what it is like to be afraid. They wont force you but they will give you the benefit of what they have should you want to take it.

Please take care of you and the kids! I am sending you hugs, love, prayers, and good vibes.

Kathie

P.S.
I was serious if you want to come to washington I will put you up until we can find you a place to call yours.
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Old 06-29-2003, 12:12 AM
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2many,
please watch for your safety and the kids. You really need to be away from him right now if he is so unpredictable. Please make sure you have changes of clothes and cash in a bag that you can grab real quick if need be. I pray for you and keep you and the kids in my heart. Write again soon


LOts of (((((( hugs ))))))))))
maryl

p.s I too cry to my grandma who has passed 5 years ago. They hear us and are with us at these great times of dispare.

Last edited by maryl; 06-29-2003 at 12:17 AM.
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Old 06-29-2003, 05:17 AM
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I am truly struggling with many things right now. I can't seem to get my mind clear of all of the haze. I am trying to figure out a plan and I will look up that address (((lady))) that you gve to me. If all else fails you'll be seeing me in washington state. I love you guys more than you will ever know. You keep me going everyday that I suffer in this hell. thank you.

Just existing in NC,
2many2count

I can't find a thing to smile about anymore. I can't eat. I am losing weight. I am tired most of the time. Just want to runaway but don't have the energy.
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Old 06-29-2003, 07:07 AM
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Hugs

((2Many))

15 minutes at a time.

Get a few dollars together in a safe place.

15 minutes at a time.

Get copies of keys made.

15 minutes at a time.

Find an al-anon meeting.

15 minutes at a time. One baby step at a time. Nobody can ask more of you than that.

One baby step toward peace of mind at a time.

It's not about him. You can love him and still be mad at him.

You can love him and still be scared of the results of his actions.

You can love him and take a break from him.

You can make decisions just for today -- and then change your mind tomorrow if you have to.

You can go to just one Al-Anon meeting and not commit to another.

You can be in this marriage today and not in it tomorrow.

Or you can decide to stay in it 20 years.

You can call a potential sponsor from Al-Anon, then change your mind and not call her again.

Or you can call her everyday for a month.

Yes, you can. Just 15 minutes at a time. Take your life back.

((2many))
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Old 06-29-2003, 09:09 AM
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___Craven County Council on Women, Inc.
__http://www4.coastalnet.com/community...orgs/cccw/ New Bern_NC 252-638-5995_
_
__Domestic Violence amd Child Abuse Services Alamance County_NC (910) 226-5985_
_
__Domestic Violence Services Lexington_NC (704) 249-8974__

__Family Services, Inc
__http://www.familyserv.org/ Winston-S...336-722-4457__

__OASIS Watunga County_NC (704) 262-5035__
____
__REACH Cherokee County_NC (704) 837-8064__

__The Shelter Charlotte_NC (704) 332-2513_
_
__Victim Assistance/Rape Crisis
__http://www.unitedfamilyservices.com/ Charlotte_NC (704) 375-9900_
_
__Women's Shelter High Point_NC (910) 841-8255__

_____

2many... please make the call. And please don't stay in the same house with someone who is threatening you with violence. If he can say it, he can visualize it. If he can visualize it he can do it. It doesn't matter that he's sick or chemically impaired. Why is not the issue. We can feel sorry for him later. The issue is safety. These crisis organizations exist because people aren't always safe taking time to make arrangements. If the windup starts again, put the kids and his mom in the car and drive. If you don't drive call a cab or the cops. But don't be available to be hurt.... please.

It's in the nature of codependents to overreact, but this is not a time for sitting around and evaluating your motivations. Better to find out you were overreacting from a distance than underreacting in proximity.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 06-29-2003, 12:51 PM
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Thanks...I am going to an alanon meeting tuesday night. I already arranged it. I have spoken to SAFE here where I live. They are aware of the situation now. I have my mom trying to find me something to rent in Raleigh. I'm just buying time right now and figuring out how I'm gonna work my plan. I do have a plan. We have marriage counseling tomorrow at 3:00 so I'll let you guys know what comes of it. Hopefully they will commit his A$$. That would make it easier than hauling 4 kids around. I would befine here alone. I don't have much support here but I never have so it wouldn't be any different.


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Old 06-29-2003, 08:55 PM
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running away

Ya know for years I was one to run away from all my problems... when I did that I didnt have to deal with them or at least that was what I thought... I guess it took years and experience to make me realize that I had to deal with me and I had to have a plan... I had to know that I COULD.... Some days it is so hard to be strong...

I know that the "shelter" here does out of state transferring and accepts people from all over the country... If you need to go then you are welcome here on my little rock and I will do what I can day or night... I manage a 68 units trailer park that isnt much to look at but at least finding a "home" wouldnt be a huge issue at the start....

Take care of YOU!
((((((2many)))))
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Old 06-30-2003, 08:52 AM
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2 Many...

All have gave you wonderful advice and resources. I hesitated in posting because I myself live a life such as yours and don't really have any miracle knowledge for you as I havn't found it yet.

My husband of 6 years started out about 3 years ago with empty threats...I'll shoot you came out of his mouth often if I said something he didn't like. I had an EPO issued and of course took him back. After that, when incidents would happen he'd say if the law took him in (which he would have to do a year from a previous assault involving our domestic situation) he would go on and finish me off so he'd have a permanent home. I took these with a grain of salt...sounds crazy I know. The point I'm getting at is that with time...they progressed. The threats got more detailed. Now in his mad rages...he describes what he will do to me in those situations. I think as I heard the threats over time I was numb and didn't really hear them. We have been seperated for 2 months (still talk). This has given me time to re-think those threats and how they sound. Like I read in one of the previous post...If they say them...they had to be thinking them...which means they may be able to perform them. I ask myself often...why would I want to be in this type of relationship. For some reason I still find myself missing him - I am miserable when I don't hear from him. This tells me I have some severe problems to work through. I am hoping it will get easier with time before I give in again.

Take care of yourself and take time to evaluate your situation. At least your A is going to counseling - I think I read. My A will not take the initiative to seek help therefore it is only getting worse with time.

My thoughts are with you...Take care.
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Old 06-30-2003, 04:00 PM
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2many,
So glad to read that you are taking active steps to make sure the violence doesn't escalate. I hope to hear soon how the counseling session went. My prayers are with you.

maryl
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Old 06-30-2003, 06:06 PM
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((((((((2many))))))))

I am so glad you've been on my prayer list! I would have felt bad if I'd not been praying for you all week! It must have helped--you are still posting (a little more often for us anxious ones, please--we worry ya know!).

Sure glad the board was up to give you all their words of wisdom! Glad you have a plan in order. Take care of yourself and yours.

Hugs,
Lyn
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Old 07-01-2003, 02:03 PM
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Okay y'all....here goes.
Therapy went good. They put my husband on Lithium and he acts very calm for the moment. I was in the defensive mode yesterday and wasn't giving an inch. Our therapist asked that we make a contract for our file. In that contract she put that there would be no more alcohol on meds, that we would attend meetings at least 4 times a week, no more violence, if he felt violent he would have to leave,we would attend marriage counseling once a week and a private session once a week. Since his last episode there has been no drinking and no violence. We signed the contract and if he breaks it then there is no more marriage. The therapit asked me to give him this one last chance to redeem himself and I hesitated but finally agreed to it. So, I'm going to see how this works out. My first Alanon meeting tomorrow night then I can attend AA meetings with him because I'm a recovering addict and have been clean for 15 years. So that means we can go together and work the steps together. If this doesn't work I have made an alternate plan to get out.

I love you guys with all of my heart and soul,
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Old 07-01-2003, 07:58 PM
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2Many

I'm so glad to hear that he is on Lithium.

Best practice for Bipolar Disorder treatment:

Lithium (very narrow window of efficacy, chek every 3 days for 3 weeks for 3 months to make sure it is in clinical range)

Education for client and family (emotional expressiveness factor, for example, -- negative types of emotions can be a real trigger for bipolar, so try to keep them at a minimu. Needs lot of stress management education and mood hygiene -- go to bed at same time, watch extremes in dieting and exercise)

Go to family Education 2 many! I think you'll find that Bipolar is VERY treatable. It's not a mental illness so much as a brain illness - the salts in the brain get "out of wack" and cause the severe mood swings. Therapy alone can't treat bipolar, in fact its considered malpractice by many counselors if the patient hasn't been referred for lithium. If you plan on staying in the house, do your best to keep him on the meds.

Good Luck -- Niki
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Old 07-01-2003, 08:09 PM
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2many

What a chore for you!!! Good luck with the experiment!! Its always good for us "panic attack" people to have plans...Please keep running your alternative plan through your mind and fine tune it...get comfortable with it..then if it comes down to it, it wont be so bad.
Above all else, please keep yourselves safe..you deserve to live where there is no one being hurt emotionally or physically. I will never foreget how scared I was when I left with 3 kids..but I am so glad that I did. I really wish you all of the luck in the world in your relationship.

Love in spirit
Sky
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Old 07-01-2003, 08:10 PM
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Thank you so much for the information! Do you know why the Dr. told him to cut back on salt? Avoid soft drinks and drink lots of water? You seem to be knowledgable about bipolar.

Hugs to you because I was really worrying about this.

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Old 07-02-2003, 02:50 PM
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2many -- I finished my Disabling Conditions course for graduate counseling school about 2 months ago -- and BiPolar was one of the conditions we studied.

I suspect the salt intake directions from the physician have something to do with the Lithium. I looked in my notes and found comments like "ion imbalance, affected by salt levels" -- but I'm not a physician and that's all I could find! Go with what the doc says. Psychiatrists are really good with meds, and lord knows, Lithium has been proven to be one of the best meds for Bipolar. (tell me you aren't just using a family practice doc -- some are good, and some are not.)

If your hubby can't handle Lithium, or if he starts rapid cycling (many mood swings in a day -- like 4 or 5) you might end up with Valproate or a couple of other choices. Just a heads up. That is a possibility.

Ask the psychiatrist for some kind of educational counseling -- you really, really need this for this disorder because the family environment can help stabilize the patient. also, the Family can give the doc a heads up if the patient's sleep patterns change (like if he only needs 2 or 3 hours a night) -- it could indicate a break through depression which can happen on Lithium.

Good Luck. Learn all that you can about this from people who are on the cutting edge....counselors, psychiatrists, the internet. And ask for "best practices" -- "lastest updates in treatment..." "best outcomes" etc. Don't let them give you the old stuff. We've had huge strides in treating bipolar....

((2many))
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