gypsyrose

When AH was trying to quit drinking, I thought I needed to be the understanding partner. I knew I needed to take care of myself but I also thought I had to support him emotionally. Cheer him on, tell him how proud I was of him, not get upset when he had a bad day, give him time to recover.

If he was a nice, happy drunk, maybe I wouldn't have worried about his drinking. But he wasn't nice. He had become more and more abusive the longer he drank. I wanted the abuse to stop. I wanted a happy family.

Recently, it has occured to me that after all the years of being lied to, disrespected, manipulated, belittled, threatened, and worse, I need to recover from the abuse. I need someone to cheer me on, tell me how proud of me they are, not get mad at me when they have a bad day, give me time to recover.

Guess what? I'll bet you all the chocolate in Europe that my AH feels no need to be the understanding partner who'll support me emotionally. I'll bet he'll always be the same old, self centered man who never compliments, never shows affection, never gives the benefit of the doubt, always puts down, always looks for a fight, always interogates.

AH quit drinking but he's not sober. He's pill popping and mean. Maybe the pills have something to do with his behavior now, maybe they don't. But it's not about his recovery, it's about mine.

abcdefg

Amen.

Barbara52

Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior, regardless of the causes and excuses.

Kindeyes

Excellent light bulb moment! (I love it when I get those light bulb moments.) You are so absolutely right. If you've been living with an alcoholic, you've been in a battle zone and you have been traumatized. I'm so happy that you've discovered that it IS about your own recovery. It IS about setting boundaries. It IS about doing what is best for you.

And you are right about him. He won't be your cheerleader so it's best not to expect him to be. Be your own best cheerleader and keep coming to SR for your support. Everyone here understands what it is like to live with an alcoholic in their lives. You are not alone.

gentle hugs

littlebird77

Thank you so much for your post gypsyrose. I am starting to understand why people always thank eachother for sharing. It makes me feel less alone. Lots of hugs!!!

LaTeeDa

I'll tell you I'm proud of you. But, Kindeyes is right, what matters is that you are proud of you. Do you have face-to-face support? For me, therapy was one of the things that helped me take action to make my life my number one priority. Keep learning, but most of all, keep taking action.

L

Pajarito

GR- I thought when my AH quit drinking everything would get better- I'd have the man I married back. It wasn't to be- and I feel very naive sometimes when I look back now- I thought he needed to do all the work- quit drinking and make everything right. Now I see I have issues that stem from childhood as well as from living for years with an alcoholic. I work on what I need to do for myself everyday instead of trying to figure him out. I spent so much time focused on him. I expected him to make amends, acknowledge the impact of his drinking on me. . . I may never get that. I need to be ok with that and continue to do what I need to for myself- including being my own best friend/cheerleader. Boy it's hard sometimes- not exactly second nature, but it will be if I keep working on it. Stay strong- you've just had an aha moment, and those are what will keep pushing you forward. I'd recommend a good therapist too- I am so much better off from going to mine. (((((Take care!)))))

denny57

I made no progress in my own recovery until I was willing to do the work on me. Part of my process was being willing to let go, literally, of all the trappings the alcoholic marriage afforded me. Today, I have a life not much different in terms of comfort - the bonus is I now live it without another person whose behaviors were not only harmful to me, but gave me an excuse to not work on myself.

I know how hard it can be to live with someone who is emotionally abusive.