Guess I should not have gotten my hopes up...
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Guess I should not have gotten my hopes up...
Hi all, I have lurked and read as many of the posts as I could in an effort to keep myself grounded over the past few months. For those of you who remember me, it has been an interesting few months! For those of you who don't know me, I left my AH in October for all the same reasons many of you all have left your AH's. Most of all, I left to protect my little guy from seeing his behaviors.
I am so sad tonight that I felt that I wanted to post here, and "come home" if you know what I mean.
In a nutshell, after I left, AH was devastated and really did try to get sober. Does not like AA at all, but did counseling and groups with an outpatient recovery center. He started off great. Over the couple of months, he was a better Dad than ever, and little guy enjoyed it so much. He had a couple of slip ups, but seemed to try to get right back on the program he was working. I kept working on myself and kept my boundaries of living separately and all that goes with it. I slipped up and "helped" more than I should have probably...no...I did "help" too much. But as time went on, and he seemed to be trying so hard, I got a very small glimmer of hope. My mind told me not to hope, but my heart would not listen.
He got laid off a month ago (much of his profession is not working right now). So he decides to go to Las Vegas (!) with our friend who had found work there. Our friend found a job for him and they went about 3 weeks ago. The day he left, he showed up at my work drunk at 11:00 in the morning! Then, they did not end up leaving until later in the day, so that evening, he decides to stop by my townhouse to "say goodbye to" little guy and pick up a cell phone charger for his phone. He was raging drunk, tried to pick a fight with the father of my roommate's baby, insulted everyone, made all of us uncomfortable, ignored little guy....blah blah....you get the picture. I told our friend that I wished him good luck and he told me that AH was driving him crazy, and I told him he had not seen crazy yet! I was glad to be reminded of why I did not want to be attached to him. And off they went.
My understanding is that they got out there and the minute they got there he bought beer. He was a "jerk" to the foreman on the job and so when he went to fill out the paperwork for the job, AH was told they were not hiring! So he was out there for 3 weeks trying to get a job, but no one would hire him....gee, I wonder why. Our friend called one night when he could not take it anymore. Told me that he was out of control, and told me what AH was doing to drive everybody nuts. Said he kept saying how great he was and how everybody else was a***oles and lots more. Our friend said that he always assumed there were 2 sides to every story, but the now he really understands why I left and if I ever need anything, I am to call him.
I should say that while he is gone, he's putting big push on how we should move out there and find a house there and get a fresh start. I told him that it was too early in his recovery and I would not be able to do that, and that I had work to do on myself before I could even consider getting back together. The worst part is that I did waiver, and think about the whole fresh start thing--can you believe that????
Ok, so long story short, they came home this weekend. Little guy and I have been sick on and off for the past 2 months. After having colds, I got sinus infection, we were better for a week, then I got the "I think I got hit by a truck" flu while AH was gone, then little guy got it! So AH wants me to stop at the house and turn up the heat and drop couple of groceries for him since they drove 36 hours home etc. We live 1/2 hour away from his house. I told him I could not since we have been so sick, and little guy was still sick and I could not drag him to grocery store etc. Sheesh...first he understands. Then stews on it, gets mad and then tells me that he is mad because everybody else comes first but him and he's been gone and he wants to see his wife and child, etc. I guess after binge drinking for 3 weeks, he is back to the same old self absorbed, I don't care about anybody else person.
So the very next day, yesterday, he tells me that he has good news and bad news. Good news, he got back into his therapy and groups. The bad news, he called a realtor and is putting the house on the market. (He is sole owner and bought the house while we were together, but not married) He tells me that "he quits" and that he has done everything he could to make it work and nothing is good enough for me! So, I told him that if that is what he wants to do, so be it. I can tell he wants me to fight it all. He tries to blame me again, I tell him that he has made his choice.
Now today, just before the realtor gets there, he tries the blame game, I don't bite. He then says, "so, are we done?" I said, "yes, we are done". He hangs up on me. He keeps calling, I stop answering. So, I finally answer his repeated tries and he is crying, telling me he does not want to do this (sell the house and our dreams) and his loves me! Back on the rollercoaster.
I guess I fell into another codependent trap, I wanted to believe in the dream that maybe it would all turn out okay. Maybe I would be a lucky one and he would really get sober. I guess not. So, here I am again, coming home to SR and the safety of all of you, who never fail to be straight up with no games etc.
I am determined to hold to the "we're done" no matter what now. I feel like it is a relief, but at the same time, I feel very sad. I need to keep moving forward. I left him by just moving baby steps forward no matter how hard it was. And now, I may have gone a little backwards, but, by gosh, I will start my baby steps again! Thanks you all for listening, and for always being the wonderful and welcoming people you are.
:codiepolice
I am so sad tonight that I felt that I wanted to post here, and "come home" if you know what I mean.
In a nutshell, after I left, AH was devastated and really did try to get sober. Does not like AA at all, but did counseling and groups with an outpatient recovery center. He started off great. Over the couple of months, he was a better Dad than ever, and little guy enjoyed it so much. He had a couple of slip ups, but seemed to try to get right back on the program he was working. I kept working on myself and kept my boundaries of living separately and all that goes with it. I slipped up and "helped" more than I should have probably...no...I did "help" too much. But as time went on, and he seemed to be trying so hard, I got a very small glimmer of hope. My mind told me not to hope, but my heart would not listen.
He got laid off a month ago (much of his profession is not working right now). So he decides to go to Las Vegas (!) with our friend who had found work there. Our friend found a job for him and they went about 3 weeks ago. The day he left, he showed up at my work drunk at 11:00 in the morning! Then, they did not end up leaving until later in the day, so that evening, he decides to stop by my townhouse to "say goodbye to" little guy and pick up a cell phone charger for his phone. He was raging drunk, tried to pick a fight with the father of my roommate's baby, insulted everyone, made all of us uncomfortable, ignored little guy....blah blah....you get the picture. I told our friend that I wished him good luck and he told me that AH was driving him crazy, and I told him he had not seen crazy yet! I was glad to be reminded of why I did not want to be attached to him. And off they went.
My understanding is that they got out there and the minute they got there he bought beer. He was a "jerk" to the foreman on the job and so when he went to fill out the paperwork for the job, AH was told they were not hiring! So he was out there for 3 weeks trying to get a job, but no one would hire him....gee, I wonder why. Our friend called one night when he could not take it anymore. Told me that he was out of control, and told me what AH was doing to drive everybody nuts. Said he kept saying how great he was and how everybody else was a***oles and lots more. Our friend said that he always assumed there were 2 sides to every story, but the now he really understands why I left and if I ever need anything, I am to call him.
I should say that while he is gone, he's putting big push on how we should move out there and find a house there and get a fresh start. I told him that it was too early in his recovery and I would not be able to do that, and that I had work to do on myself before I could even consider getting back together. The worst part is that I did waiver, and think about the whole fresh start thing--can you believe that????
Ok, so long story short, they came home this weekend. Little guy and I have been sick on and off for the past 2 months. After having colds, I got sinus infection, we were better for a week, then I got the "I think I got hit by a truck" flu while AH was gone, then little guy got it! So AH wants me to stop at the house and turn up the heat and drop couple of groceries for him since they drove 36 hours home etc. We live 1/2 hour away from his house. I told him I could not since we have been so sick, and little guy was still sick and I could not drag him to grocery store etc. Sheesh...first he understands. Then stews on it, gets mad and then tells me that he is mad because everybody else comes first but him and he's been gone and he wants to see his wife and child, etc. I guess after binge drinking for 3 weeks, he is back to the same old self absorbed, I don't care about anybody else person.
So the very next day, yesterday, he tells me that he has good news and bad news. Good news, he got back into his therapy and groups. The bad news, he called a realtor and is putting the house on the market. (He is sole owner and bought the house while we were together, but not married) He tells me that "he quits" and that he has done everything he could to make it work and nothing is good enough for me! So, I told him that if that is what he wants to do, so be it. I can tell he wants me to fight it all. He tries to blame me again, I tell him that he has made his choice.
Now today, just before the realtor gets there, he tries the blame game, I don't bite. He then says, "so, are we done?" I said, "yes, we are done". He hangs up on me. He keeps calling, I stop answering. So, I finally answer his repeated tries and he is crying, telling me he does not want to do this (sell the house and our dreams) and his loves me! Back on the rollercoaster.
I guess I fell into another codependent trap, I wanted to believe in the dream that maybe it would all turn out okay. Maybe I would be a lucky one and he would really get sober. I guess not. So, here I am again, coming home to SR and the safety of all of you, who never fail to be straight up with no games etc.
I am determined to hold to the "we're done" no matter what now. I feel like it is a relief, but at the same time, I feel very sad. I need to keep moving forward. I left him by just moving baby steps forward no matter how hard it was. And now, I may have gone a little backwards, but, by gosh, I will start my baby steps again! Thanks you all for listening, and for always being the wonderful and welcoming people you are.
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
It is so so hard isn't it?! One day we know where we are going....the next day we fall back into a trap......because we really do want to believe that our A will get better...and when all the signs are positive and it looks great why would we not want to have hope...
don't be too hard on yourself either....you have been through alot and you HAVE come along way, go those baby steps...one at a time. Take care of you Phiz :0)
don't be too hard on yourself either....you have been through alot and you HAVE come along way, go those baby steps...one at a time. Take care of you Phiz :0)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
"I am determined to hold to the "we're done" no matter what now. I feel like it is a relief, but at the same time, I feel very sad. I need to keep moving forward. I left him by just moving baby steps forward no matter how hard it was. And now, I may have gone a little backwards, but, by gosh, I will start my baby steps again!"
Keepingmyjoy-- such strength you have!!! Inspiring.
I hope tomorrow brings you sunshine and better things! Thank you so much for this post - it is such a realistic image of "sticking to your plan" even with all its pain and ups and downs...we may waver and "slip" - for we are not perfect, but if we recognize that we are still free in each moment then we can carry on! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hugs to you-
B.
Keepingmyjoy-- such strength you have!!! Inspiring.
I hope tomorrow brings you sunshine and better things! Thank you so much for this post - it is such a realistic image of "sticking to your plan" even with all its pain and ups and downs...we may waver and "slip" - for we are not perfect, but if we recognize that we are still free in each moment then we can carry on! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hugs to you-
B.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human. You didn't do anything that I haven't done before you. I fell for my boyfriend's manipulation and lies for 24 years before I called it quits. I'm a slow learner. But the good news is that it's never too late to make a fresh start and life without a raging alcoholic is so much more predictable and peaceful.
Ending my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend was the best move I ever made. My life improved drastically. His life continued to spiral out of control. I chose life; he chose to drink himself to death. We all have choices. Every time I felt weak and was teetering on giving my boyfriend just one more chance I revisited my old posts on SR to bring me back to reality. Those were painful days. But they're long gone now.
Ending my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend was the best move I ever made. My life improved drastically. His life continued to spiral out of control. I chose life; he chose to drink himself to death. We all have choices. Every time I felt weak and was teetering on giving my boyfriend just one more chance I revisited my old posts on SR to bring me back to reality. Those were painful days. But they're long gone now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy 
I am determined to hold to the "we're done" no matter what now. I feel like it is a relief, but at the same time, I feel very sad. I need to keep moving forward.
I am also at a similar place with my ABF -- although very important distinction, I do not have a little one exposed to his behavior. You sound like a really caring mom.
I have been winding down my side of the dance for a while and the last time I got back together with him, which I do not regret even though it looks like the whole thing is over, I swore that I would only break up with him ONE MORE TIME IN MY LIFE.
It wasn't a threat. It wasn't even a promise. You know, I don't even remember right now if I even said it to HIM. It was something for me. It was a commitment to myself.
And that's why I need to take my time. I'm trying to do all of the leaving and finishing and closure BEFORE I end it. Because I want to be clear on my higher power's will for me. I would love to write him a fantastically articulate letter dumping him and be done with it. But I'm practicing patience with myself and waiting until I can feel at peace with letting go completely. I am walking through everything ONE day at a time.
I do believe I deserve better than this kind of instability, blame and repeated abandonment. I believe recovery is always possible but ONLY if the person is willing. He is in so much denial about his problem(s), he is MILES away from willing. So I'm working step one on acceptance, surrender, admitting powerlessness and, like you said, it's not about HIS recovery. It's about MINE.
Thank you so much for sharing where you are today.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I have been winding down my side of the dance for a while and the last time I got back together with him, which I do not regret even though it looks like the whole thing is over, I swore that I would only break up with him ONE MORE TIME IN MY LIFE.
And that's why I need to take my time. I'm trying to do all of the leaving and finishing and closure BEFORE I end it.
And that's why I need to take my time. I'm trying to do all of the leaving and finishing and closure BEFORE I end it.
I feel that when I am truly READY to end it for good - I will know and can move on to a much more stable and peaceful life. Until then I take it one day at a time.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Thank you so much for posting this! I am trying to draw from your strength today. I have been with my ABF for almost 3 years now, and I have gotten my hopes up more than a time or two, stuck my hand right back in the fire, and guess what, it burns!!! Right now he is incarcerated and full of promises and is preaching the Bible, but today I am thankful for the reminder how quickly that can all just disappear. Sometimes us codies need to be brought back to reality.
Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration to me on this day!
Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration to me on this day!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by keepingmyjoy
I am determined to hold to the "we're done" no matter what now. I feel like it is a relief, but at the same time, I feel very sad. I need to keep moving forward. I left him by just moving baby steps forward no matter how hard it was. And now, I may have gone a little backwards, but, by gosh, I will start my baby steps again! Thanks you all for listening, and for always being the wonderful and welcoming people you are.
:codiepolice
:codiepolice
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Keepingmyjoy - I admire you for your courage and determination today. Sounds like your name is very fitting.:ghug2
I'm a Recovering addict/alcoholic with 2 years and almost 8 months clean, sober and free. I never had any idea, or maybe I just didn't want to see, how much my behaviors as a result of my using/drinking effected those who loved me and supported me. I knew at the time that I was manipulating them for my own gain. I knew just want to say to get into my Mom's head for example and twist and manipulate things to my benefit. I turned her mind into an emotional ball of chaos. Everyone I came in contact with was effected by my disease and the behaviors that went right along with it.
I am also co-dependent as well. I had let people complicate my life with their own issues, whatever they may be. I thought that if I truly cared about this person that I would "tolerate" their erratic behaviors.I felt that I had no right to ask someone to change for me. realized how much I had taken on and this only added more garbage to my dumpster of sh*t.
I can see that, IMHO, where he has become quite good at manipulating you. He has the perect tool to do this with. Your son. Many of us have tried to use the change of location "cure" just as I have. He went to Las Vegas for a job, which he didn't get because of his behaviors. What else has he done to help himself? Blame you? Tell you that this is not what he wants? No, of course not. You are finally standing up for what you know is right for you and your Son and he can't stand it. That feeling of losing his control over you is a rough one. But you have to continue to be strong. Not just for yourself but for that little man you obviously love and are doing everything to protect. The love between a Mother and her Child is something that no one, until you have become a Parent, can understand.
I commend you for your determination in your quest for Freedom.
God Bless & Thank God . . .Just for Today,
Judy:ghug2
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I'm a Recovering addict/alcoholic with 2 years and almost 8 months clean, sober and free. I never had any idea, or maybe I just didn't want to see, how much my behaviors as a result of my using/drinking effected those who loved me and supported me. I knew at the time that I was manipulating them for my own gain. I knew just want to say to get into my Mom's head for example and twist and manipulate things to my benefit. I turned her mind into an emotional ball of chaos. Everyone I came in contact with was effected by my disease and the behaviors that went right along with it.
I am also co-dependent as well. I had let people complicate my life with their own issues, whatever they may be. I thought that if I truly cared about this person that I would "tolerate" their erratic behaviors.I felt that I had no right to ask someone to change for me. realized how much I had taken on and this only added more garbage to my dumpster of sh*t.
I can see that, IMHO, where he has become quite good at manipulating you. He has the perect tool to do this with. Your son. Many of us have tried to use the change of location "cure" just as I have. He went to Las Vegas for a job, which he didn't get because of his behaviors. What else has he done to help himself? Blame you? Tell you that this is not what he wants? No, of course not. You are finally standing up for what you know is right for you and your Son and he can't stand it. That feeling of losing his control over you is a rough one. But you have to continue to be strong. Not just for yourself but for that little man you obviously love and are doing everything to protect. The love between a Mother and her Child is something that no one, until you have become a Parent, can understand.
I commend you for your determination in your quest for Freedom.
God Bless & Thank God . . .Just for Today,
Judy:ghug2
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Well......it sounds to me like you are doing a great job! The alcoholic will always throw out bait...........and sometimes we take it. That's just the way it is so don't beat yourself up over the occasional slip up. Eventually I got to the point where doing it "right" felt so good and slipping up felt bad. It happens less frequently than it use to.
Stay focused on what is good for you and your little guy. Your AH is a grownup and as such, he should be able to take care of himself. Your son is a child--he needs you because he can't take care of himself.
gentle hugs
Stay focused on what is good for you and your little guy. Your AH is a grownup and as such, he should be able to take care of himself. Your son is a child--he needs you because he can't take care of himself.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I think you sound very strong- and very human. You are doing what a lot of us are or have done. It's hard not to get caught up in promises and hope. The one thing you can depend on is yourself. You have a lovely little boy to take care of- and it sounds like you are doing a great job. I am inspired by your strength. I hope you will continue to post here. I also hope you are getting support elsewhere- from friends, family, al-anon, a good therapist??? Anything you can do for support will keep you on your path. (((Take care!)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keeping,
Welcome back -- we've been keeping the teapot on, and there's still a comfy armchair in the corner for you. I'm sorry for your sadness today
You say you shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. I'm scratching my head a bit....I think that depends on why you were getting them up in the first place.
If you hoped that he would change his spots finally and become a good person so that you could get back together and have whatever dream you thought you had before -- then maybe you're right. There are so many more hopes out there that are more realistic and possible than changing someone's fundamental nature. He does not sound like someone that you can respect, even if he had a nice dip into sobriety. From your stories, he has appeared to be a self-centered, mean-spirited person in many ways, and I see you ((personal opinion here!!)) as a gentle spirit who deserves someone much more stable and loving and selfless.
If you just hoped he would get into recovery, for his sake, as a person who deserves a happy life as much as the rest of us do, then I hope you never hold back your hopes. That compassion is what makes us human, and I would never, never want to let that part of my character go -- I still hope for the best for all of the alcoholics and addicts in my life, because I think the world's a better place when we are all feeling strong, useful, and cared-for...
Never stop loving, Keeping. You may just want to stop attaching outcomes to the love, and certainly keep yourself and your 'lil guy off that rollercoaster as much as you can. I can see him trying every trick in the book to pull you back into the chaos to keep him company...my alcoholic bf did the same.
In my humble opinion, you are doing fine, and you have done nothing wrong, in fact your recovery is still shining brightly. This might be just a bit of that necessary sadness that comes with watching an alcoholic dismantle his/her life because they haven't (yet) chosen recovery.
Take a deep breath and know that you are a good person who has chosen the right path for herself and her son.
Love,
GL
Welcome back -- we've been keeping the teapot on, and there's still a comfy armchair in the corner for you. I'm sorry for your sadness today
You say you shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. I'm scratching my head a bit....I think that depends on why you were getting them up in the first place.
If you hoped that he would change his spots finally and become a good person so that you could get back together and have whatever dream you thought you had before -- then maybe you're right. There are so many more hopes out there that are more realistic and possible than changing someone's fundamental nature. He does not sound like someone that you can respect, even if he had a nice dip into sobriety. From your stories, he has appeared to be a self-centered, mean-spirited person in many ways, and I see you ((personal opinion here!!)) as a gentle spirit who deserves someone much more stable and loving and selfless.
If you just hoped he would get into recovery, for his sake, as a person who deserves a happy life as much as the rest of us do, then I hope you never hold back your hopes. That compassion is what makes us human, and I would never, never want to let that part of my character go -- I still hope for the best for all of the alcoholics and addicts in my life, because I think the world's a better place when we are all feeling strong, useful, and cared-for...
Never stop loving, Keeping. You may just want to stop attaching outcomes to the love, and certainly keep yourself and your 'lil guy off that rollercoaster as much as you can. I can see him trying every trick in the book to pull you back into the chaos to keep him company...my alcoholic bf did the same.
In my humble opinion, you are doing fine, and you have done nothing wrong, in fact your recovery is still shining brightly. This might be just a bit of that necessary sadness that comes with watching an alcoholic dismantle his/her life because they haven't (yet) chosen recovery.
Take a deep breath and know that you are a good person who has chosen the right path for herself and her son.
Love,
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
kmj: Great to "see" you again.
You're exactly where you're supposed to be in your recovery right now. The road OUT seems to be longer than the road IN sometimes, especially when it comes to getting completely detached from an active alcoholic.
All of us slip in our respective paths to sobriety, whether it's from alcohol or enabling an alcoholic. This is how we learn. There's just no other way.
I've been sliding all over the place recently; definitely need to post about some similar choices I've made, as well. Thanks for yours, as it will motivate me to pull my head out and start a thread.
Hang in there.
You're exactly where you're supposed to be in your recovery right now. The road OUT seems to be longer than the road IN sometimes, especially when it comes to getting completely detached from an active alcoholic.
All of us slip in our respective paths to sobriety, whether it's from alcohol or enabling an alcoholic. This is how we learn. There's just no other way.
I've been sliding all over the place recently; definitely need to post about some similar choices I've made, as well. Thanks for yours, as it will motivate me to pull my head out and start a thread.
Hang in there.
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I thank you all so much for your thoughts. And Serenityqueen, thanks for your perspective from both sides!
Little guy, if you can't tell, is my world. He is doing great. I am doing better than I when I posted, feeling stronger. Last night, he called and said we had things to discuss...they were "where do you think I should live" and "i never wanted this to happen". He cried. Still all about him and he is still trying to hook me in. But I stayed strong. I can see where I am headed for no contact unless about the little guy's visitation with him.
Thanks for being here for me once again everybody!
Little guy, if you can't tell, is my world. He is doing great. I am doing better than I when I posted, feeling stronger. Last night, he called and said we had things to discuss...they were "where do you think I should live" and "i never wanted this to happen". He cried. Still all about him and he is still trying to hook me in. But I stayed strong. I can see where I am headed for no contact unless about the little guy's visitation with him.
Thanks for being here for me once again everybody!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
KMJ~
Your post made my heart bleed for you. The rollercoaster life with an active alcoholic is so crazy and unfortunately sometimes takes so long to see for what it is. Crazy and unacceptable.
But....you ARE aware. A therapist once told me of the relationship with an alcoholic, 'you either become addicted to alcohol with them (even temporarily) OR you become addicted to the relationship.'
I think in a lot of cases here.....becoming addicted to the relationship seems to be the most popular choice. Once you know all the manipulation and see it for what it is....then it is easier to detach. It still fascinates me that so many alcoholics use the SAME words and SAME types of 'hooks' to reel us back in. They are so pathetically desperate to hang on to their enablers because we simply allow them to continue on their path of denial and rationalization.
Ultimately, it's sad. But sadder yet, when a life continues to be wasted and continues to spiral downward. The hardest part is that we so desperately in our rational thinking can't understand why someone wouldn't get help for an obvious problem. Therein lies the frustration.....their brain does NOT work like ours and therefore, there is nothing you can do or say to convince them of their need for help.
It is a path they must go down on their own, regardless of whether they ever see the light. We all know this, but sometimes it is so hard to grasp.
You HAVE seen the light and like I've said in other posts....you can either save yourself OR sell your soul to this disease right along with him.
Hard, yes. Takes time, yes. Painful, yes. Lifesaving?......indeed. In my case, I have had no contact with xabf for a month now. I pray he continues to not contact me because I can't yet promise 100% that I wouldn't be vulnerable. I had a rough day a couple of days ago and was really missing him. I realized in hindsight that it was partially due to other things going on in my life. Yesterday I looked back at journal entries I had written during our relationship.....such a good reminder of the chaos. Of course this was all before I realized he was an alcoholic.....but you know what.....if I was in a new relationship now.....just ONE of those journal entries would make me run.
And so I go on. I know it's not easy and yet harder still for you with a child involved. You are on the beginning of your journey.....god bless you. You'll be fine.
Your post made my heart bleed for you. The rollercoaster life with an active alcoholic is so crazy and unfortunately sometimes takes so long to see for what it is. Crazy and unacceptable.
But....you ARE aware. A therapist once told me of the relationship with an alcoholic, 'you either become addicted to alcohol with them (even temporarily) OR you become addicted to the relationship.'
I think in a lot of cases here.....becoming addicted to the relationship seems to be the most popular choice. Once you know all the manipulation and see it for what it is....then it is easier to detach. It still fascinates me that so many alcoholics use the SAME words and SAME types of 'hooks' to reel us back in. They are so pathetically desperate to hang on to their enablers because we simply allow them to continue on their path of denial and rationalization.
Ultimately, it's sad. But sadder yet, when a life continues to be wasted and continues to spiral downward. The hardest part is that we so desperately in our rational thinking can't understand why someone wouldn't get help for an obvious problem. Therein lies the frustration.....their brain does NOT work like ours and therefore, there is nothing you can do or say to convince them of their need for help.
It is a path they must go down on their own, regardless of whether they ever see the light. We all know this, but sometimes it is so hard to grasp.
You HAVE seen the light and like I've said in other posts....you can either save yourself OR sell your soul to this disease right along with him.
Hard, yes. Takes time, yes. Painful, yes. Lifesaving?......indeed. In my case, I have had no contact with xabf for a month now. I pray he continues to not contact me because I can't yet promise 100% that I wouldn't be vulnerable. I had a rough day a couple of days ago and was really missing him. I realized in hindsight that it was partially due to other things going on in my life. Yesterday I looked back at journal entries I had written during our relationship.....such a good reminder of the chaos. Of course this was all before I realized he was an alcoholic.....but you know what.....if I was in a new relationship now.....just ONE of those journal entries would make me run.
And so I go on. I know it's not easy and yet harder still for you with a child involved. You are on the beginning of your journey.....god bless you. You'll be fine.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
He tells me that "he quits" and that he has done everything he could to make it work and nothing is good enough for me!
Why can't they see a cycle here. When they are doing good(not drinking and going to therapy) it is all ok and they are meeting our expectations but as soon as they mess up and things go to hell it is all our fault.
I understand the rollercoaster ride that you are on. Believe me untill they are very dedicated to the program this is how it will always be. You want to believe that your situation is different but that is just us being in denial of it all. Hang in there and keep posting.
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