Hello - New to Board
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Confusion
Posts: 6
Hello - New to Board
Hello All:
Much gratitude for the wisdom and experiences that you share here.
I don't have time to tell you my story right now (it's almost 1AM and I have to be in the office at 7:00), but intend to do so soon. Trust that I have much in common with you - my qualifiers include abf (who is also exh) and other alcoholic and compulsive relatives.
In response to my shameful account of my return to a destructive relationship with an active, often emotionally abusive alcoholic, today my therapist said:
"I have no doubt that you accept his alcoholism, what you don't accept is that he has a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors."
I know she's right (I could cite at least a dozen examples of the above), but frankly am at a loss.
Given her comment, should my First Step be the affirmation of powerlessness over a dirty rotten undeserving scoundrel who happens to be an alcoholic? I've read that a son of a gun will be a son of a gun with or without alcohol. I might be in denial or I might be experiencing a mental block, but I would appreciate your wisdom/observations on her comment. Thanks in advance!
Much gratitude for the wisdom and experiences that you share here.
I don't have time to tell you my story right now (it's almost 1AM and I have to be in the office at 7:00), but intend to do so soon. Trust that I have much in common with you - my qualifiers include abf (who is also exh) and other alcoholic and compulsive relatives.
In response to my shameful account of my return to a destructive relationship with an active, often emotionally abusive alcoholic, today my therapist said:
"I have no doubt that you accept his alcoholism, what you don't accept is that he has a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors."
I know she's right (I could cite at least a dozen examples of the above), but frankly am at a loss.
Given her comment, should my First Step be the affirmation of powerlessness over a dirty rotten undeserving scoundrel who happens to be an alcoholic? I've read that a son of a gun will be a son of a gun with or without alcohol. I might be in denial or I might be experiencing a mental block, but I would appreciate your wisdom/observations on her comment. Thanks in advance!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Hi & Welcome to SR - I hope you find this place helpful & safe. 
I can't speak so much to your question & topic since I have not been in that kind of situation, but I'm sure others can give you good feedback.
I can't speak so much to your question & topic since I have not been in that kind of situation, but I'm sure others can give you good feedback.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome!
Yup. That is a great first step! You cannot change him, control him or cure him.
For me the second step would be to start figuring out what do I want in my life? Do I want to invest myself in a relationship I know is going to be filled with "a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors" or something better?
Originally Posted by BadHairDay 
my First Step be the affirmation of powerlessness over a dirty rotten undeserving scoundrel who happens to be an alcoholic
For me the second step would be to start figuring out what do I want in my life? Do I want to invest myself in a relationship I know is going to be filled with "a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors" or something better?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
In my experience, those behaviors go hand in hand with alcoholism. My A son is a wonderful young man when he is sober. When he is drinking, his behavior is unacceptable. I cannot separate the alcoholism from the behaviors since one seems to bring on the other.
Personally, I accept (because I cannot change) the fact that my son is an alcoholic. But I do not have to accept the behaviors that accompany active addiction.
gentle hugs
Personally, I accept (because I cannot change) the fact that my son is an alcoholic. But I do not have to accept the behaviors that accompany active addiction.
gentle hugs
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome BadHairDay! 
Yes that is an awesome first step! I have learned with so many A's in my life that I cannot change what they do and I cannot "fix" the mess they create for themselves. The only thing I can do is do for ME!
I no longer accept toxic people in my life sober or not! I have the power to do this for myself and have led a much happier life!
My HP,Al-Anon, Counseling and SR have been a great source of healing for me.....I have discovered a lot of things on my journey and hope that you do too!
Glad that you are here!!
Yes that is an awesome first step! I have learned with so many A's in my life that I cannot change what they do and I cannot "fix" the mess they create for themselves. The only thing I can do is do for ME!
I no longer accept toxic people in my life sober or not! I have the power to do this for myself and have led a much happier life!
My HP,Al-Anon, Counseling and SR have been a great source of healing for me.....I have discovered a lot of things on my journey and hope that you do too!
Glad that you are here!!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family, BadHairDay,
Glad you are reaching out for support in dealing with these difficult situations. This site has been one of many wonderful resources, I am using to further my recovery from how I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I also attending f2f (face to face) meetings, read literature, etc.
One of the hardest thing for me to learn to do was to start basing my decisions on people's actions not on their words or intentions. To put my trust in people who have proven to be reliable and trustworthy. I have more than 1 alcoholic/addict in my life and they have given many promises, intentions and their "word" about many different things - most of which they have never been able to keep or follow thru with.
So my program of recovery has allowed me the option of saying to them - I hear what you are promising or saying but it is best for me to base my decisions on your actions not on your intentions.
This is just what is working for me.
Again, glad you are here at SR - I hope that you enjoy the wonderful fellowship that I have found here.
Wishing you Serenity and Joy,
Rita
Glad you are reaching out for support in dealing with these difficult situations. This site has been one of many wonderful resources, I am using to further my recovery from how I have been affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction. I also attending f2f (face to face) meetings, read literature, etc.
One of the hardest thing for me to learn to do was to start basing my decisions on people's actions not on their words or intentions. To put my trust in people who have proven to be reliable and trustworthy. I have more than 1 alcoholic/addict in my life and they have given many promises, intentions and their "word" about many different things - most of which they have never been able to keep or follow thru with.
So my program of recovery has allowed me the option of saying to them - I hear what you are promising or saying but it is best for me to base my decisions on your actions not on your intentions.
This is just what is working for me.
Again, glad you are here at SR - I hope that you enjoy the wonderful fellowship that I have found here.
Wishing you Serenity and Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, glad you're here!
I used to excuse a lot of behavior because it was being done by an alcoholic, my husband. It wasn't enough for me to say I wouldn't allow toxic people in my life. I had to go back and address why I was willing to accept crumbs from anyone, whether they were alcoholic or not. I did the work on me.
So, yes, I accept the person is an alcoholic, but why do I accept then that I should be treated like crap?
Keep posting! ((()))
I used to excuse a lot of behavior because it was being done by an alcoholic, my husband. It wasn't enough for me to say I wouldn't allow toxic people in my life. I had to go back and address why I was willing to accept crumbs from anyone, whether they were alcoholic or not. I did the work on me.
So, yes, I accept the person is an alcoholic, but why do I accept then that I should be treated like crap?
Keep posting! ((()))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
Welcome to SR. Love the avatar. Wish the only downside to having a relationship with an active alcoholic was a bad-hair day. Looking forward to your shameful account whenever you get the chance...
God, I really needed to see this today.
Looking forward to your shameful account whenever you get the chance...
So my program of recovery has allowed me the option of saying to them - I hear what you are promising or saying but it is best for me to base my decisions on your actions not on your intentions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 112
Let's forget about the fact that your bf/xh is an alcoholic, because that just is what it is and unless something miraculous happens, isn't going to change anytime soon.
So....the bottom line.....is the fact that you know that he's an alcoholic.
What you need to ask yourself and explore is.....WHY and what needs to be fixed about you that finds this behavior acceptable of your company? I'm sure you already know this....but that's truly what it boils down to.
What about me, my thoughts, my personality, my self esteem finds it acceptable to accept any type of behavior that is inconsistent with my own behavior, needs, wants, boundaries?
What is lacking in me that I am willing to accept this person's company? Am I that desperate to have someone in my life?
So....the bottom line.....is the fact that you know that he's an alcoholic.
What you need to ask yourself and explore is.....WHY and what needs to be fixed about you that finds this behavior acceptable of your company? I'm sure you already know this....but that's truly what it boils down to.
What about me, my thoughts, my personality, my self esteem finds it acceptable to accept any type of behavior that is inconsistent with my own behavior, needs, wants, boundaries?
What is lacking in me that I am willing to accept this person's company? Am I that desperate to have someone in my life?
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
In answer to your question:
The first step of Alaonon is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable"
With that in mind it makes it easier to step forward.
Ngaire
The first step of Alaonon is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable"
With that in mind it makes it easier to step forward.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by BadHairDay
Hello All:
Much gratitude for the wisdom and experiences that you share here.
I don't have time to tell you my story right now (it's almost 1AM and I have to be in the office at 7:00), but intend to do so soon. Trust that I have much in common with you - my qualifiers include abf (who is also exh) and other alcoholic and compulsive relatives.
In response to my shameful account of my return to a destructive relationship with an active, often emotionally abusive alcoholic, today my therapist said:
"I have no doubt that you accept his alcoholism, what you don't accept is that he has a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors."
I know she's right (I could cite at least a dozen examples of the above), but frankly am at a loss. Given her comment, should my First Step be the affirmation of powerlessness over a dirty rotten undeserving scoundrel who happens to be an alcoholic? I've read that a son of a gun will be a son of a gun with or without alcohol. I might be in denial or I might be experiencing a mental block, but I would appreciate your wisdom/observations on her comment. Thanks in advance!
Much gratitude for the wisdom and experiences that you share here.
I don't have time to tell you my story right now (it's almost 1AM and I have to be in the office at 7:00), but intend to do so soon. Trust that I have much in common with you - my qualifiers include abf (who is also exh) and other alcoholic and compulsive relatives.
In response to my shameful account of my return to a destructive relationship with an active, often emotionally abusive alcoholic, today my therapist said:
"I have no doubt that you accept his alcoholism, what you don't accept is that he has a consistent record of lying, cheating and engaging in untrustworthy behaviors."
I know she's right (I could cite at least a dozen examples of the above), but frankly am at a loss.
Given her comment, should my First Step be the affirmation of powerlessness over a dirty rotten undeserving scoundrel who happens to be an alcoholic? I've read that a son of a gun will be a son of a gun with or without alcohol. I might be in denial or I might be experiencing a mental block, but I would appreciate your wisdom/observations on her comment. Thanks in advance!
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