NYC_Chick

I am kind of conflicted about a situation last night in which I helped, possibly too much.

I was in the city at a friend's house doing our usual single girl Saturday night thing of watching movies and discussing politics (boring, I know). Before I leave her house, we always take her dog for a walk. Sometimes it's at 12 a.m., sometimes at 3 a.m. Last night was around 2. She lives on the Upper East Side and there is a very busy bar practically on the corner of her street. As we were walking the dog around, we noticed a girl wearing at least 5 in heels and a very short dress. She was so intoxicated that twice while we were standing there on the corner she nearly fell face first into the street with on-coming traffic. We've seen this before because it is always a drunk-fest outside when I go to catch a cab home. Anyway, the girl, hardly able to stand stumbled across the street teetering all the way. Some men noticed this and began to follow her.

My friend and I stood and watcher her hit a few cars, slam against a building, and fall once while she walked. My codie side said I shouldn't get involved, BUT the city is not exactly the best place for a young, drunk, attractive girl in the middle of the night, so we debated and decided to follow behind her to see if she got home. She picked up speed and ran, not well, but she put in a good effort. More men noticed. We finally caught up to her when she fell into a building we thought might be her house. I walked up and asked if she lived there. She said no "leave me alone." I asked where she was going. She rattled off an address in the opposite direction of where she was headed. I pointed this out to her. To which she responded "f*** off." My friend then tried to reason with her. More men. One who looked like he was totally up to no good came at the girl. I told him to back off and he left. Finally, we were able to talk her into getting into a cab. Actually, we threatened to call the police if she didn't. The poor cab driver was mad, but we asked him to take her to the address we gave him and watch her get in the building. He agreed and off she went. I wish I could say the story ended here.

We continued on back to where we came from, near the address the girl gave us to check and see if it even existed. If you are familiar with the city, blocks are very small and with all the one way streets, this is how you catch up to a cab. We saw the cab driver help her out of the cab and take off. The girl took off too IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. Turns out, the address doesn't exist. We approached the girl and told her she was going the wrong way and again asked where she was going. She gave us the address to the bar. She tried to catch another cab and the cab driver refused to let her in because she was so drunk. Then, trying to get away from one codie helper and a basic good citizen, she literally ran up and hugged some guy on the street asking for directions. He said he didn't know her. She gave him the bar address and he told her how to get there. She went off again in the wrong direction. So we followed and I called the cops. At this point, she was almost hit by a car crossing against the light. People all around were laughing at her, but oddly no one asked if we needed any help. I guess they are all healthier than me. The dispatcher said we had to keep her in one place for an ambulance to come get her. Let the fun begin!!! We finally asked if she had anything with her address on her. She handed over her purse because she couldn't find it. She had an out of state license.

During our time together, she was nice, then would flip out and took a couple of swings and my friend. She also practically stripped on the street. Having enough, my friend said "you deal with her." So I continued on the phone with the cops and tried to "reason" with the drunk while my friend fielded insults like "stupid c*&^%" from other drunks passing on the street. I finally told her we could fight if she wanted to, but deep down I was sure she had a brain and wandering around drunk at 3 in the morning in the city was not in her best interest. So, she stuck around, fell into a window (which thankfully did not break), then passed out while standing up and on to the ground. Luckily I was strong enough to break her fall a bit.

FINALLY, and ambulance came to pick her up. More insults form the drunk and she refused to get in the ambulance, then said my friend and I were embarrassing her! God love NYC EMT's! One of them finally told her she could do it the nice way and not speak to them like that, or they would call a cop to come hand-cuff her. She complied and off she went.

The whole incident lasted well over an hour. I am still not sure it was healthy for me to get so involved. On the one hand, it was a dangerous situation due to the time of night and her condition. On the other, she did it to herself. I guess in the end I would have rather dealt with that than wake up and read or hear on the local news that some girl on the Upper East Side was found dead.

I guess another part that bothers me is that I know in the end this girl won't remember a thing of this or that any kindness was shown to her. She probably sobered up in the hospital and didn't even know how she got there. I don't know if this girl is an alcoholic, but she has some issues with alcohol, clearly. It's such poison and I wish more people understood that.

MsGolightly

wow. that sounds like quite a night. i admire you for finding someone you didn't know in a clearly dangerous situation and getting her some help, even if it wasn't necessarily your responsibility. regardless of whether or not she remembers you or how she got to the hospital, you could have saved her life and allowed her to live one more day. life is a precious thing.

LucyA

If the girl had been me I'd want to thank you for saving me from who knows what,( but also slap yourself for putting yourself in danger girl) it's one of those situations I think, where you don't know what you'd have done unless you were there.

Bernadette

Quote:

Originally Posted by NYC_Chick

I am kind of conflicted about a situation last night in which I helped, possibly too much.

I guess another part that bothers me is that I know in the end this girl won't remember a thing of this or that any kindness was shown to her. She probably sobered up in the hospital and didn't even know how she got there. I don't know if this girl is an alcoholic, but she has some issues with alcohol, clearly. It's such poison and I wish more people understood that.

Hey NYC girl- I remember when I first starting deconstructing my Co-dependent and Enabling behavior in relation to all the A's (yes plural!!!!) in my life, I would catch myself questioning all my helpful behavior, like you are now.

I would see "co-dependence" in all my own actions and all my friend's actions!! It was kinda a phase I had to go through to get to an understanding of the specifics of the co-dependent dynamic in relation to the alcoholics in my life.

A sick by-product of growing up with alkies and having ongoing relationships with alkies is that it has messed with a lot of what are in fact natural impulses and good traits in human beings like:
helpfulness
trust
honesty
In the alkie/loved one dynamic these things become seriously warped and often tweaked by years of abuse on the alkies part and unconscious acquiesence on the loved ones part.

I think you did the right thing. You don't know whether this girl was an alkie/junkie. You were not enabling her disease but doing the right thing. People with this disease are sick, sick, sick and they still deserve compassion.

It takes some real work/time on ourselves to understand the difference between compassion and enabling but it does exist.

Where I'm at with it now (and it's definitely getting clearer one day at a time!!!) When one of my A brothers calls me in a crisis and needs money, an ally in his latest self-delusion, forgiveness for a transgression without exhibiting any real remorse, or wants to have a pity party, I say, "Umm, No." and hang up the phone. If I saw my brother lying on the street bleeding from his ears well, yeah, I would call an ambulance. But I wouldn't pay for it!! And I probably would not follow it to the hospital....for me that is progress!

It is good you are questioning this!! Because it means your consciousness has been raised and your perspective has changed and that is an excellent sign of growth. Having the wits to step back and say - wait a minute "is this unhealthy for me??" is a positive thing. And like I said, as we our unravel these bad HABITS we may swing a bit in the opposite direction - but that's how we learn... this woman is not in your life and yet the universe put her in your path...I think you did what any decent human being would do.

Years of trying to "help" our loved ones can leave us numb to the power of our natural impulses. My oldest brother - who is a recovered alkie, sober 15 years, a moment he credits as part of his "bottom" was after a night when he was totally plastered and had fallen off the sidewalk outside a bar, when a complete stranger (he knew it was a man, that's all he could remember) physically dragged him out of the gutter and helped him slump against a building and just said, "You shouldn't be here." and walked away. Now that stranger was not invested at all in getting my brother sober - he just showed his natural humanity...

B.

warrens

NYC

I live in a log cabin in near wilderness, but spent 35 years in Chicago. I've seen what you describe.

What you did had nothing to do with alcohol or codependence, I think. It had to do more with ensuring a fellow human beings' welfare. No different than giving CPR or caring for a seizure victim. The fact that she brought it upon herself makes no difference, I think.

You may have saved a life. the perfect ending would be that she realizes her "bottom" and deals with it. Probably not, however. But you did what you could with what you had. Well done!

warrens

lexusgirl

I think what you did was very kind and compassionate. It takes someone with a big heart to do what you did. I know I would have done the same.

Hugs,
L

Mair

I would have done the same. And i totally agree with warrens on this one. As long as you can let this incident go and not try to find out if she's ok and who she is and stuff then it was not a codependant rescue. Compassion is a good trait to have.

mair xx

NYC_Chick

Thanks everyone for your responses! It's a weird place to be to wonder if you did the right thing just helping someone. Every time something like this comes up, though, I am reminded about this story about a woman in NYC. I first learned about it in social psychology class in college. Anyway...a woman was coming home late at night. She got into a fight on the street with a man. I can't remember if it was her boyfriend. The fight escalated and the man began stabbing her. I think the study said that numerous people, something in 20s or 30s, heard her screams and many people saw it, yet not a single person called the police because they assumed someone else would. The woman died. When this girl hit the first building we thought was hers, two people were inside on the stairs. They looked puzzled, but not alarmed and continued on with their conversation. I guess I kind of wonder if one man that was following along had attacked her, would anyone have helped? Would any have joined in? There are many crazies here, but there are equally as many people scared enough not to get involved. I've seen this more than once in the city.

Bernadette: What you said makes complete sense to me. I question a lot of what I do and wonder if it's the codie behavior, or just being decent. How long does this last for? This isn't the first time I've "rescued" someone on the street or in a subway. I wonder if it has something to do with being attracted to chaos and since like attracts like these situations are always in front of me.

I have to say, though, one clear codie thing came out of this. I called my friend to tell her I got home ok, then told her I was worried that the girl might not have insurance for the ambulance/hospital bill and it would be my fault for having called them in the first place if she was financially compromised because of it. She thought I was joking, then said "you saw her designer shoes, expensive handbag, and her jewelry. She'll be fine and if she's not, it's her problem." Fortunately, I let it go this morning. She could have lost a lot more if we had left her alone. I didn't leave any contact information or offer to pay the bill, so I guess that is progress : )

splendra

I think you were very kind to help this person. I hope I would do the same as you. I used to get drunk like that. I can remember trying to ask for help once when I was very very drunk I had somehow gotten separated from the people I had went out with and people just jeered at me. I had somehow lost my shoes and I had a really bad cut on one of my toes and was bleeding. Somehow I made it to my house which was a about a 5 mile walk so I think maybe some angel did pick me up and take me home but I can't remember. I woke up in my front yard, bleeding and clothes torn. I felt very humilated being that it was my birthday.

miss communicat

this is a really thoughtful thread, and I agree with everyone else. you showed a healthy response to a suffering human that briefly crossed your path .

You are not trying to fix her on an ongoing basis nor are you limiting your own life by focusing on the choices or behavior this person will produce, which would be what codependency does.

An analogy this reminds me of, that happened to me about 12 years ago: I was driving over a big bridge one day. The car in front of me suddenly pulled over at the top of the bridge, stopped, and the driver, a woman, jumped out, ran to the railing, climbed up and jumped off.

I pulled over behind her car, jumped out, and saw that she had survived the jump and was thrashing around in the frigid waters below.

I motioned to another motorist to call 911 (this was before cell phones were an appendage of every human body), while I remained in voice contact with the woman, urging her to hang on and that help was on the way, until the ambulance arrived.

I never questioned whether my helping or caring waas codependent, or that , if she had jumped because she was high or on drugs, she would be unworthy of assistance. But, I did (similar to your afterthoughts the next day) wonder if she had wished she
d died, if she was pissed that she had to pay medical expenses, or if (get this!) I should go visit her in the hospital so I could rescue her from her sorry life and "save" her.

Thankfully, I did nothing and learned from my experience.

Kindeyes

Personally I think what you did showed tremendous compassion.

gentle hugs

Miss Pink

Enabling is motivated by self interest. "I enabled because I didnt want to feel guilty".

What you did was motivated by compassion and concern. It was not enabling.

You never know the impact you could have made on her, even if she didnt remember you. If she woke up in a strange hospital, in a strange city, she may have found a bottom.

I, for one, applaud what you did.