pixie73

I am just as guilty as my husband right now. I knew what I was getting into when we married, I am an alcoholic also. I got sober, he didn't. Now, I am enabling him. It's so selfish. Why is it so difficult to let go of what is hurting you so badly? The comfort of the pain is secure and warm even if it is wretched. He is out tonight. I left for 15 minutes to pick up our daughter around the corner in our subdivision. When I got back, he was gone in the company van. He left our 16 month old daughter in the house alone and asleep. I have not heard from him since and I won't. He will ring the doorbell at some wee hour of the morning, I'll open the door and not say a word to him. He'll get on the couch and sleep off the alcohol and crack cocaine and not want to talk about it tomorrow. I'll resent it all for a day and then go on with my routine.

lexusgirl

Welcome Pixie! I am new here too, this forum is filled with kind and supportive people. I feel very safe here.

I'm sorry for your pain, but that takes a lot of courage to get sober for yourself!

I guess all that we can do is take care of ourselves and our children. Detaching helps if you're having to share a household with your husband.

Leaving your daughter alone though would definiltey be a dealbreaker for me...

((((((hugs)))))))

abcdefg

Pixie,

I felt so sad reading your post. Thank you for sharing it.

I think this is a great example of why it says in the Big Book: living with an alcoholic is bound to make family members neurotic and, to some extent, every one is ill. That's not an exact quote but it's roughly taken from Chapter 9.

I am not an alcoholic, only an Al-anon. I can only speak from that side of the disease. But my Al-anon head is subject to extremely distorted thinking. For me, I don't have an allergy to drink, but alcoholism affects my perception and my thinking.

I think that's why it becomes so difficult to do what seems so obviously right. Our perceptions get clouded. It's the nature of being around the disease.

The only place I don't feel judged is in Al-anon meetings (and, of course, there are plenty of people NOT working a program judging others but I don't worry about them). Those people have felt and thought and done what I have. I don't know what you have available in your area but that works for me.

I do remember from reading the AA Big Book as part of my own recovery that resentments are very dangerous to alcoholics. That may be something to think about. Speaking for myself, my resentments will eventually kill me because they make me utterly insane. And I will take insane action without a drop of alcohol or drugs in me. Just my own crazy self-will run riot that will quite truthfully destroy me.

There's a lot of great support and hope on this board. You'll hopefully hear from others who have found serenity in a variety of ways. I'm only speaking from my own path and experiences.

I hope you'll keep sharing.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with both sides of the recovery coin. You might try reading some books on codependence/enabling or going to some Alanon meetings. You understand one side of things through your own recovery process. But living with and dealing with another person in active addiction is a whole different can or worms.

gentle hugs

Freedom1990

I can certainly identify with what you are saying, and yes, the pain becomes a security blanket for us.

I also got sober while my husband didn't, and I had to leave for my own safety (he was violent and psychotic a great deal of the time).

Discomfort is temporary. I walked through the pain of leaving him, and it did get better.

He was buried last year at the age of 47 from AIDS related complications.

pixie73

I thank you all for your posts and kind comments. My husband came home on Sunday after giving the van away to another addict. We had to call his job and deal with that. They let him keep his job, oddly enough. I am not sure if that is good or bad, really. It's a double edged sword isn't it and it cuts deep either way. They gave him a week off "to get it together" and "be ready for Memphis on Sunday". HA! We went to Bradford on Tuesday and he wouldn't stay. He threw out all of his alcohol on Monday vowing to "do this thing on his own", but he will continue the marijuana maintenance program that works so well. I know this is seething with resentment. I am in contact with members here. I just have to get this out. I really appreciate this outlet. Thank God you guys are here. Whoever is reading at this hour. I should be in bed.

I ask God for his mercy right now. I thank you for another sober day in this life. I am grateful for the gifts that you have given me. Thank you for my life. I am happy to live it today. Even when things don't go my way, when I can't control a single event. I have learned to loosen the reigns and ride with my eyes wide open.