really_fed_up

My mom emailed me and called me asking if we can "talk about Jane's problem" and "resolve this" because she misses me and loves me. I told her that I love her, too, and that we could talk this weekend perhaps, but now I don't want to. From the tone of her email / phone call my mom sounded sad but also like she just is going to ask me again and again, "why am I not helping Jane?" Why am I turning my back on her? My mom and I will never see eye to eye on this, and that's what I've accepted. I am not letting my boundaries go this time. As I mentioned in a previous posting Jane wrote me "I was extremely shocked and hurt that you would not take my things and store them in your house, because this isn't 'enabling' because it has nothing to do with my addiction issues". That to me says that Jane is still completely in denial. I feel like my mom is just going to ask me the Why, Why, Why questions again, and I don't want to speak with her about this; she's focusing all of her frustration and energy on trying to get me to admit that I'm "wrong" because she and I don't see this situation in the same way.

I just received a book, [I]Addiction in the Family[I] by Beverly Conyers, in the mail, and I read it and found it so helpful. I've ordered a copy and had it sent as a gift to my mom. I said that I read it, it was helpful, and that maybe she and I could discuss it sometime.

But what I need advice on is how to construct a tactful email telling her that I don't feel ready to talk to her about all of this right now, and I'd rather just keep our distance for the time being.

Thanks for your help..I'm sticking to my boundaries.

peaceteach

I think that short and sincere would be the best approach in an email. Type it quick, mean what you say but try not be emotional or attacking. It doesn't require any "Whys", just let's talk in a week or two about this. Like when you "resign" from a job. Then sign it -- Love, really fed up

best

That to me says that Jane is starting to undersand you mean business when you say you have boundaries.

As for what to tell mom.... "I need time"

Nothing more needs be said.

I don't see anything wrong with holding her stuff for her but for the fact... you need time.
You could explain to Jane if you want the same thing.... You are still hurting and need time.
Your boundaries, your choices... your storage space. All are your things to do with as you see fit. Just not wanting other people's stuff in your storage space is a good enough reason to say no...addiction or not.

Kindeyes

That's a tough one. I didn't understand my daughter's perspective on her A brother for quite a long time. She just got fed up with the pain he brought in to our family so she elected to keep her distance from him. I just thought she was being mean spirited (sound familiar?).

It really wasn't until that I began my own recovery that I better understood her position. The last time she distanced herself from her brother (during his recent relapse) my reply was "I understand. Do what you need to do for you." And she did.

Your mother is triangulating. She is trying to be the messenger between you and your sister. She'll feel a lot better once she pulls herself out of the middle. I know I did. But she's the one who has to come to that conclusion. Triangulation isn't healthy communication.

In the meantime......you keep doing what you need to do for you! (But I'm glad you decided to get your mom a book......I hope she reads it and takes it to heart......she'll eventually realize that it's the best way to help her addicted daughter and maintain a healthy relationship with you.

gentle hugs

laurie6781

That is it, right there, it says where you are and that you need time.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

justjo

I have been here in your shoes with my sister.
I would call your mum and just be honest with her. Just say that you two cant resolved Janes issues and whilst she still continues to help her drink, you cant be involved. Tell her that you are tired and want out for a while.
Thats what I did and the time away from it, helped. My mum still went and cleaned her mess up, the whole bit until............(she was basically kicked in the head for it)
Your mother may possibly learn in time that what she is doing is helping your sisters addiction. Im not sure, but I can almost guarantee in time your mother will change her ways and mothers love their children. She will always be there for you, dont you think.

GiveLove

Hi fed up,
I'm so sorry you're being put in this situation.

I don't know if you've posted this before, but there are storage units available for rent in almost every community I know, large and small. If your sister were taking responsibility for herself, she would take advantage of them.

And if she cannot "afford" that, perhaps she should ask herself why she can't. But you know this already...preaching to the choir

I can only say this: both of my alcoholic sisters have, at one time or another, parked all of their earthly possessions at my parents house because of repercussions from their alcoholism. As far as I know, those possessions are still there, in piles in the cellar. It's been perhaps 20, 30 years now. My younger brother, who can't wait to shed his ankle bracelet so he can begin drinking again, has all of his possessions stored at his mother's. Half her house, full of all of his furniture, drum sets, clothes, kitchen stuff, and boxes and boxes and boxes. It's been nearly two years now.

I believe you should take all the time you need. And don't ever feel like you won't be a good sister by being a free storage unit. Last I checked, that wasn't my definition of love.

Hugs to you, and thanks for the book tip too!
GL

p.s. fwiw, I agree with Laurie. That's pretty darned eloquent right there. Sign it "I love you" and you're good to go.

really_fed_up

Hi All,

Well, I had a talk with my mom, as it turns out. I was going to write the "I need some time" email, but she left a couple of messages and then my dad left a message, so I thought, "might as well get it over with" and called them. We had a good conversation. No yelling, and we actually listened to each other. My mom still doesn't understand my point, and I still can't agree with hers--I can understand it better now because I see that her relationship with my sister is completely different since she is a mom--but we agreed to disagree and to leave it at that. The best thing? Jane wrote me an email and told me not to worry, that she's "doing fine" and she is getting stronger. She's going to groups every day and doctors appointments twice a week while she waits to get into a residential treatment program. She had to move hostels (they have a two week limit), but she did it--with all her stuff--on her own, and guess what? It didn't kill her and she got through it. She didn't ask anyone for help. I'm proud of her for that. I know she has a tough, tough road ahead of her, but maybe things are starting to sink in.

My dad is starting to come around; he recognizes my belief that to store her things would not allow Jane to feel the consequences of her behavior. He may not agree with it, but he respects my decision.

So I'm going to leave it for now...be civil and not get involved. I'm keeping these boundaries!

In the meantime I want to do something for Jane to tell her that I love her and I'm proud of these steps she's taken. I was thinking of sending her a card with words of encouragement.

And yes, the book--read it if you have not already. It is enlightening and eye opening. I'm going to go to the beginner's meeting of Al Anon tomorrow night, so I'll post about my experience after that (I went to another Al Anon but felt it would be better to go to the beginner's meeting...)

FormerDoormat

My home is not a storage unit. I keep an uncluttered home because it's easier to keep clean, it's healthier, it's less of a fire hazard, and I like it that way. Except for the Christmas tree, my unfinished basement is completely empty. And that's the way it's going to stay.

When I have something to say that I know won't go over well I keep the message short and sweet. No need to extrapolate. I just state my position and move on. The less I say, the less ammo I give others.

Barbara52

Amen to that! Its amazing to me that people sometimes think my space is just there for their convenience.

GiveLove

So proud of you, fed_up, and proud of your sister too (and I don't even know her!! )