Please remind me that I am doing the right thing
 

I have been having a very difficult time after deciding No-Contact with my ex over 3 weeks ago. I had changed my numbers, I felt really good for a little while, I felt encouraged to start my new life without him.

Then, I started to miss him, a lot. The pain has been overwhelming sometimes to accept that it is over. I am starting to remember good times and good things about him. I dream about how we first met and fell in love with each other. BTW, he found a way to get my new cell phone number through mutual acquintance (so much of my attempts to change my numbers...). he has called a few times but I refused to answer the calls although it was very tempting. He never left voicemail anyway, as always. But, honestly, I often find myself wanting to reach out to him and have him back in my life knowing I am going to start the same cycle all over again.

Then, it happened. My ex called this afternoon. He found a way to call me at work and I picked up the phone. I actually ended up talking to him, hearing his familiar voice. Gosh I missed him...He acted as if we never broke up and said he just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. This is his MO, trying to creep back into my life as if nothing ever happened between us. And, I had always surrendered in past, because the pain of not having him in my life was too bearable.

This time was different (I made it different). Before I get too used to his sweet voice, I told him not to call me anymore and it's over. straight out. This was the one of the hardest things I ever have done. I still love him so much but I let him go. I think he was surprised, since I never reacted this way when he tried to creep back in. He understood and ended the conversation. I don't think he will ever try to contact me, I think he finally got an idea.

I am having mixed emotions right now. Did I do the right thing? I think I did. But, why does part of me feel like I made a mistake, like I have let go of the love of my life. I feel so empty right now. He is gone from my life.

I think you did the right thing. I wish I had the strength to finally cut the cord. I'm just not there yet.

In trying to think of a way to keep him out of my life, I'm trying not to think in such big terms because it overwhelms me too much. Never and Forever are huge things. I would say take it day by day. If you put too much pressure on yourself it will wear you down. He likely knows that.

I'm sure he will contact you again. They always do. Just think of all the chaos and drama instead of all the good times. That is helping me.
:Val004:

Thank you, NYC. I know, concepts of Never and Forever are soooo hard for me, it just brings me down to a break down when I think of him completely gone from my life forever. I am going to try focus on one day at a time.

It's normal to begin to miss them. They were part of our lives, no matter how messed up our lives were. We want the good. We miss the GOOD.
Unfortunately the good is gone. It's like desiring a ghost.

Hang in there. It really does get better and better. This is just one phase we have to go through in order to care for our own lives and our own happiness and peace.

Mskattie~

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing. I have been in your shoes. I ignored, ignored, ignored....until one day I was caught off guard and picked up a 'blocked' phone call. I spent a half hour on the phone and went from thinking I was so strong to enjoying the phone call/contact waaaay too much.

It was at that time I realized I wasn't as strong as I thought and that if I let my guard down, this man would slowly creep back into my life and I would NEVER move on to be the strong and healthy person that I know that I am and therefore I would be unable to EVER receive all the good things that will come my way for having gone through so much pain and come out on top.

You saved yourself and need to continue to do so. It is very easy in any type of breakup to forget all the bad and only remember the good. It is like you are stuck in front of a movie reel with toothpicks in your eyelids having to see the good times played over and over again. Don't kid yourself. Don't short change yourself. And DO NOT for one minute think anything will change. Don't get stuck. Keep going.

NYC Chick~girlfriend....get strong. Cut the ties. You need to. You can do it.

Did you do the right thing? Only you know that. I'd suggest looking over your past posts in here as a reminder of the public information that led you to your decision. Sit down and write in a journal what life was really like with him. Don't romanticize what you wished/wanted to have over what you really had.

I know the feeling I called P a few weeks ago, I just needed to hear his voice, thank god he is strong enough in his recovery not to of answered the phone....I wasn't, but breaking up with someone for their own benifit has to be the ultimate sacrafice....P and I are not together be cause we were to right for each other and the fact that we would always be each others co.....so hard to explain but I understand better now why he did what he did, and one day your b/f will to, but as the G/F who loves hard and walks away from her man because of his problem it is the hardest thing in the world to do but ppl are going to scream girl get BACK on that wagon move on with your life and keep doing for you!!!!!

Thank you for reminding me, this has been definitely my pattern.
Hearing his voice and seeing how he is doing often sound so harmless and tempting.
I guess also my "care taker" role urges me wanting to know he is okay and alive.

But I know if I pick up the phone and hear his voice, I will eventually go right back where I started.

You read my mind, I spent a lot of minutes wondering (fantasizing) maybe he is changed this time.

But I know I will get more than just casual calls if he is truly changed and willing to work things out.
I stuck it out with him no matter what for last four years, when he was completely wasted and went MIA on our honeymoon, when he went missing for days being high in motel rooms while I am filing a missing person report, when he was in rehabs begging for me to stick it out with him, I can go on and on and on.
Gosh, these are BAD times, I really took cr**p from him. I am almost embarassed to write here how much and what kind of cr**p I took and was willing to take from him.

Then, he is calling me to just say hello?

I feel like I have been a fool. I don't want to be one anymore.

Wow, I was reviewing my own posts written last summer.
I was going through the exactly same things and writing the same things!
Like people always say, nothing changes if nothing changes.

I want to keep being strong and keep moving on so that I am not in the same situation next year or next decade.

Sounds like he did put you through a lot... YOU do deserve so much better!!

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I would guess that it's a similar struggle that an alcoholic has with alcohol....in a way. It's a craving of sorts. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot of "bad" with him. You're doing so well......do you really want to invite that "bad" part back in to your life?

It takes time to heal from a long term relationship. But you will heal.......do something really nice for you today.

gentle hugs

Mscattie- you did the right thing. I know it's difficult and painful. After reading a few recent threads I just want to say that any break-ups, even ones without the alcohol drama, are painful. And that pain lasts awhile. I have been married a long time, but back in the day, I remember the break-up with a boyfriend I had pre-DH, and the pain lasted awhile. I thought, would I ever stop thinking about and obsessing over him? But it's like the old saying goes, one day at a time, and sometime down the road, you realize you're thinking of him a little less and less. You rebuild your life and little by little go on. I hope this doesn't sound like one of those horrible cliches, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I promise you, it will get better in time, but it takes time. Do all the good things you know to do for yourself! (((hugs)))

No contact is hard. In time it's easier. Keep reading your old posts and read those posted by others and you will be reminded of the reason why you need no contact.

I went through exactly what you are going through...many times. Going through it just little right now as my xabf was fired recently from our mutual place of employment. And though I know its the best thing there are times when I miss him. I used to look forward to seeing him there even after our relationship degraded to the point where I too changed my number and proclaimed i hated him. A place in my heart still cares for him. And I gieve myself permission to feel this way. I just thank God that he's no longer in my life everyday to pull at my heartstrings and manipulate me.

The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same thing.


Its not easy to bury our dead. But it sure is easy to stay and let their disease kill us with them.

You did the right thing to do, it will get easier. Take it a day at a time.

.....So true. Needed to read that right now as a good reminder.

You did the right thing. This is so hard, but I salute you for your courage and your strength. Hugs:bounce

Thank you everyone for all the encouragements.

No contact is really hard, and I am trying to focus on one day at a time.
It just started to rain here in So Cal, it sure is not helping with my sadness :(
But, I am hoping things will get easier everyday and someday I will find someone special, who will treat me the way I should be treated.

the thing that works best for me is that I made a list.....a long one....of all the horrible sitautions that I was in when I was with the xabf. There is a reason that you are not with him and those reasons are the one that you need to put onto paper(make a couple copies and tape them all over your house if you have to)
I know that it is hard to let them go but maybe loosing you will be the one thing that will make him get his life in order and maybe just one day you will be back together. Like many have said before try as hard as you can to take care of you....eat healthy, excercise, read good books, travel....ect...whatever it takes. I know it is hard to refocus on you...I know b/c that is exactly what I am having to do. For so long my attention has been on him and what he was doing-not what I was doing.

I actually am to the point where I believe that we will never be together again....or maybe we will( you never know what is going to happen in the future). For right now I am not counting on it and I am going to put my happy face on and go out there and be me. I am going to have fun, maybe date here and there and just enjoy life.

My exabf and I are not together for a reason(same as you). I don't know the reason and I may never but it will get better with time. I know this It has not been that long since we have seperated but each day I feel like I am getting a little better.

Hang in there....you are not alone. Believe me when I say this. I know the hurt and doubts you are having right now and they are not fun. Just keep typing away when you feel weak.:Val004: