Lilyflower

Hi everyone,

If you have been reading my threads of late you will know I have been swaying between glad and sad concerning splitting up with my abf.

I am no longer swaying, I'm just absolutely baffled at his actions recently. He has been trying to ''show me he's different'' by attending AA, and then drinking afterward, and the other day he got some money, £30 (I have been supporting him since beginning of Jan) and gave me £10. I later found out that he had spent the rest on ingredients for a meal for me that evening, oh yeah he was drunk again! He's just strange, why does he think a slap up meal is going to change my mind... he's still drinking!!?? Also for me it was just another sign of his self centred nature. Trying to make himself the good boyfriend cooking me a nice meal etc.

He is not listening to what the real problem is. I know I'm engaging with him too much. I have told him time and time again why I need out of this. He trys to hug me, which just makes me feel like my personal space is invaded. I mean, I split up with him and he thinks he can still hug me because of how HE feels about me. He is sweet to the point of suffication, being overly apologetic, running everything by me to check it's 'ok', and generally just clingy. He decided on the whole meal idea for me as he says he wants the next two weeks to be nice IF we are splitting up. Aaargghh! We split up two weeks ago! As I say, all the while he is still drinking, which is THE reason I ended it. Then it seems because I haven't taken back my decision, he turns on me, and the nasty, spitefilled, psychpathic nature he gets comes out as a verbal onslaught toward me. Everything is twisted, here are some of the statements he has made... I am a control freak, I am making him homeless, I am selfish, I won't allow him to take anything from the house, his name is on my mortgage because he has contributed toward payments (no way! Checked if he was entitled to ownership because of contributions and he isn't), the dog belongs to him (given to me by a friend), so this means he is removing the cooker from the fitted kitchen when he goes because his friend gave us it to replace a broken one. It is just getting rediculous. I was never planning to send him with nothing, but to squabble about a cooker, dishes, cutlery and the pets is just plain childish. I really hope the next two weeks aren't filled with this rubbish, I'm getting so tired of it, I don't want to be at home with him. I ask him to go out when he has been drinking and he just ignores me ''You go'' he says, yeah to my parents who live 30min walk away with my 9yr old daughter who is in bed by 9pm?! It saddens me that he acts like this, I feel that my love for him is being turned into a strong dislike, he seems to be going out of his way to crack me up, or is it just to get what he wants, do they seriously think they can do this by mentally abusing us???? I am both looking forward to and dreading the day when he goes.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

He's afraid his enabler is leaving and is trying his best to manipulate you to prevent that from happening as I see it.

warrens

I'm the addict in my family. I am doing rather well at recovering.

His behavior is aimed at one thing, I think, and he is being brilliantly successful. At making everything ALL ABOUT HIM. Count how many times you use the pronouns he and him. He is good.

I suggest that the decisions you make, must make, whatever they are, be based on YOU.

I am not being critical or condescending here. We addicts are very good at Making ourselves the star of this movie. The tragic hero. Sound familiar? Dinner with a glass of self pity. Drink it and you are doomed.

I truly hope that one day your love might be salvaged. Your love for him is evident in your words.

You cannot love someone who is incapable of being lovable, however. That is what he needs to see. I WANT and I NEED are totally separate from I DESERVE. He is an addict. He is sick. OK. So what? So am I.

It sounds like those meals, etc are all about him. He may be looking for a way to remain "comfortably numb." A way to keep the booze and the babe. Just conjecture.

But you're not a "babe." You are a woman who deserves something, too. In fact you deserve it all. Isn't that what you signed up for? A whole man who can handle a whole woman?

Be a whole woman. Live YOUR life, not his. He will either deal with it or he won't. If he can't, there will be only one casualty and not two.

Peace and SERENITY,

warrens

FormerDoormat

Lilyflower

Thank you Warrens, this got me all teary eyed. I pray with all my heart he can one day come to realise what you have. I have never heard a man talk about a woman that way.

It has been a very painful journey to get to this decision. He doesn't even seem to be sad. As you say, it's all about him, how HE feels, what HE wants I don't think for a moment he has even contemplated what I have gone through. He tells me that if he moves out, he will never come back to me, recovered or not. This in itself is blackmail, I either put up with it and hope he gets better, or I loose him for good. It breaks my heart at times. I cannot cry, I am trying to keep it together for my daughter and if I cry around him, it's like he sees it as a victory, that he is getting to me. I know I cannot go back to what it was, and so If I must loose him forever, so be it. I still pray in my heart that one day he will recover and realise how much he once loved me, and come back to me. It hurts so much.

Lily xxxxxxxxx

prodigal

warrens has what you want your abf to have because he works a program; he didn't wish his self-awareness into being.

That is correct.

I think what warrens was pointing out to you that it's all about HIM. In your latest post you are still completely focused on HIM - HIS recovery, HIS seeing the light, HIS realization that he has feelings for you. It's about YOU; whether or not he has an ah-ha moment, sees the light, or has a miraculous epiphany.

You owe yourself and your daughter a life that is not tangled up in the A's web of lunacy and deceit.

Lilyflower

I don't understand this, I believe I am thinking of me, I have told him to go because I want a better life for me and he is not capable of being the person I want to share my life with. I know thats a positive step forward for me. I may have faltered on my way, but I am still going through with my plans. I really do want out of this chaos. Why is hoping he will find recovery focusing on him? I know that I still allow him to turn situations onto himself. As I said I know I still engage too much. I haven't been as quick to ignore and detach as maybe I should be, and I know I try to explain too much, that is because I allow myself to feel guilty. I really do believe that he loves me, but this has gotten so disformed and twisted by his addiction that he actually believes he is being loving when he is far from it. Warrens message touched me and opened up my feelings, I cried after reading it and while typing out my reply, perhaps I should've waited until I was more composed and explained myself better.

I know this. Trust me, I do not want to be around it anymore. I guess I still have hope for the future, and by that I mean years not days or months, that if we are meant to be, then we will be. I've always been a dreamer.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

warrens

You are doing great, Lilyflower!

You must come to wholeness on your own and on your own terms.

Hoping he will seek recovery is fine. I hope all who suffer will seek recovery. But they won't do it because of ME. I didn't seek recovery for anyone but ME. If I give any of it to my loved ones I am left with nothing but a bag of excuses if I fail.

I've written this before. Addiction just loves shame, guilt, despair, etc. The addict however, is totally dumbfounded when others simply go about their lives and pursue what is best for them. "Hey what about ME?" "Isn't this about me?" "Where'd everyone go?" It totally makes us crazy when our illness is no longer the focus of attention.

In no way am I suggesting you do anything. Stay or leave, it has to be totally about you.

When we addicts begin a serious recovery something dawns upon us, I think. It's pretty scary, really. One the fog and haze lifts we realize that life has gone on for years without us. Those around us have grown and changed. It is then that we realize that we can never simply "resume" what was. Because what was is no longer.

We cannot recreate, we can only create. It may or may not include those in our past. That really isn't up to us. We don't get to choose who will love us. No one ever does.

When we become lovable, we will be loved. This I believe. But we don't get to choose. Others get to determine whether I am lovable. On their terms. Only if I have something they want. It's square one.

Peace

warrens

cmc

By placing the focus on myself instead of the other person I can allow myself to actually do what is good and safe for me and my family....now, not if/when/or sometime later.

How does it make you feel to hear him say that _you_ are making him homeless? When someone tries to manipulate me like that I can choose to agree with what they say...for the sake of NOT arguing or being drawn in and down any further.
I see no purpose in engaging into any debate with an active alcoholic or drug addict. A simple "Yes I guess you are homeless...I hope you will work things out for yourself" and then show them the door asap.

Until I quit reacting to the manipulations, the addict continued to try to use every trick in the book. Like Warrens has said..it's a game of control. Where I draw the line is where (and when) it stops.

I'm concerned for you that as 'the day' of his leaving approaches things will escalate and/or be postponed. I hope not...but things could get very bad. He will only do what you allow.

I hope you will consider what his actions in the 'right now' could lead to during the next couple of weeks. I hope he will leave nicely but what indication has he given you so far that he will not continue to harrass you?

The very first thing that I learned in counseling was that I always have the right to change may mind. If things are not going as I'd hoped for or even if it's just 'me' and I have changed or don't feel the same way...I still hold that right or power over myself and what I allow.

I'm truly sorry about how hard this is for you. I understand that because I've been there myself with some different 'particulars' but the essence of it is the same. You can make things easier and better for yourself and your child.
Keep posting and sharing.

Lilyflower

It makes me feel sad. I know that I'm not ''making'' him anything, he has had ample opportunity to work his recovery if he truely wanted it and I gave him 4 weeks to find another place to go. He has chosen to not concentrate on himself but rather to try and control me and my thoughts, to turn them to his advantage. We are half way through that month and I think he is realising I mean what I say, and he still has nowhere to go. I told him the other day that if he doesn't have a new house by then he will have to organise somewhere to stay, because he IS leaving on the 31st, no excuses. I guess I gat sad because I still have feelings for him and to hear him accuse me of being so callous really hurts. I have issues with this. I have always tried to remove other peoples pain, and I am learning I cannot do this for anyone but myself. I'm still working on how to deflect the pain though!

I worry about it escalating too. I am determined it shall not be postponed. These last two weeks have gone by so slowly, I couldn't go through any more than necessary. My parents have offered to come over to help me on the day. That makes me feel sick at the stomach. My dad has a temper and I'm afraid he will punch him! I am afraid of the pain it is going to cause me. This is all connected with my built in ''no one around me shall hurt'' programme, i guess it's childish in a way, I just want him to go peacefully. I know I can play victim and allow my parents to rescue me so I'm reluctant to ask them to come if needed. I know my dad especially will step in to take control. Then at the same time, I retract into 'child' mode and allow myself to be rescued. I've been working hard to overcome that ''triangle relationship'' with them. On the day when I know my feelings will be most raw, I don't know if I will be able to keep out of that triangle.

I think I will ask him next weekend if he has arranged anything and see what he tells me. If he hasn't found anywhere I will tell him again that the deadline will not be moved and he will go on the 31st. Do you think this is a good idea or having told him this already, should I just drop it now and spring my folks on him on the Saturday morning he is due to go?

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Barbara52

I of course have no idea what resources are available to you in the UK. In know that in the US (most states at any rate) you can request that the police be available in case of trouble. Perhaps you have a similar option?

LaTeeDa

I was going to suggest something like that, too, but Barb beat me to it.

The other thing is, you don't have to decide today what to do two weeks from now. You can wait and see how things are going and make your decision based on the situation as the time draws nearer.

L

Lilyflower

I have no idea, i will have to look into it thanks for suggesting this.

Thanks Latee, I get so caught up in my thoughts, because I worry over what may be, I try and think ahead about what I'll do. Its been making me grey for years, thanks for the reminder that I don't need to stress!

Lily xxxxxxxxx

lexusgirl

Hi Lilyflower,

I could have written your post. My exabf is exactly the same way. Last night he was crying and seemed to feel bad for the way he has treated me, two hours later he was manipulating me and trying to pick lots of fights we me. He was being very mean and calling me names and talking badly about some weight I have gained due to meds. Pretty much calling me fat

Then today he was ready to leave out of town and came home crying then turned around an hour later and took the bus out of town. Very erratic and weird behavior.

I can only say to you that this is difficult and I think you can make the break to get away from him. I think once you do you will feel a lot more calmer and less stressed. You may be sad and start to grieve over him, but this too is a process you must go through in order to heal. If you can, try to keep the focus on your lil one, she needs you more then any alcoholic.

Keep posting and venting here, it really helps.

:ghug2

Kindeyes

Oh Lily
They are so very cunning and manipulative. They'll "change for a while" in order to suck you back in to the madness. My A son is the master of manipulation......but I'm not a victim of his manipulation. I'm a willing participant until I stop allowing it to work.

Warrens has stated things very eloquently. It just seems so counter intuitive to love someone enough to let them go.

Take care of yourself and your sweet daughter. And keep us posted on how things are going. Getting it out here will help you stay the course.

gentle hugs

Lilyflower

Thanks everyone, he came to me this morning and told me next week he is going to Scotland to stay with his Dad for a while. I'm happy about this for two reasons, firstly because this will mean he will leave peacefully as I have hoped and the dread inside me is lessened by that, also I think its a good decision for him, he has not had a close relationship with his dad since his parents divorced when he was 9 and he will have the opportunity to get close to and know him. All in all I hope he sticks to this plan, it seems my HP is looking out for me.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

really_fed_up

Lily,

Everyone else has said what I want to say, so I will just tell you that I'm thinking of you and send you a hug: