Load Warrior

I'm afraid I've written a book here. I'm just trying to get some things off my chest and thought they might be useful to someone.

I think my husband has been sober for a week. Either that or he's learned to hide it really well. If that's the case, I'll find it soon enough.

I've been reflecting back on the conversation we had last week, mainly because I'm a little obsessive... and because he's being a real d**k right now and we're not really speaking.

Before I enter this, I want to say that my husband is generally a nice guy. He often has stated that me and our daughter are the best thing that ever happened to him (we're cute and smart). Since he's never won the lottery or had spontaneous limb regeneration, I'd say that's a very true statement. However, if I was really honest with myself, I'd say that I probably could have picked a husband more suited to my needs. I'm a real go-getter and he has great plans, but rarely puts in what it takes to accomplish them. See how the relationship is a little lopsided? Co-dependant possibly? Yeah, well no one is perfect. Anyway, back to the main attraction...

I told him that:
* if the tables were turned and I drank while home alone with our daughter, he'd be looking for daycare for her too - he agreed with this, but he was still mad at me for doing such a thing. This logically makes no sense to me. I think that was actually him being disappointed at himself, and then he just projected his disappointment at me. It's hard to admit you've done something wrong... especially for him.
* I am afraid if he ever lost his temper while he was drunk he could hurt my daughter or myself. He disagreed with this because he's 'never done it before'. He makes bad decisions when he's drunk and that's when he's most annoying to me. I'm enough of a b***h to press his buttons when he's drunk and he could make a bad decision and there we'd be.
* DUI's were inexcusable. Our state has a VERY low threshold and it would be easy for him to get one with just a few drinks, even if he wasn't buzzed. He said that's just so the state can get more money out of tickets and I told him I didn't care<-- see b***h right there. A DUI would affect our credit and cause us to lose our health/life insurance. With no health/life insurance we could easily be in financial ruin. I'm not living that way and will leave.
* If something ever happened to our DD or myself while he was drunk, I could NEVER forgive him. I'd have to leave him and that would hurt him more than anything. So for his own protection, I told him to stop drinking now. He said I was letting my imagination run away with me. I told him he had been given fair warning.

He's hurt... and scared... and he knows I'll follow through. I'll put up with his childish attitude for a few months and we'll see what the future holds.

Janitw

Well you have set a boundary and now must adhere to it. Which by the way is a good thing. Stand strong....don't give in. Hopefully he will attach to sobriety and stay that way. Is he working a program? And have you thought about Alanon? We codies need help too.

Janitw

LaTeeDa

I could have written this. In fact, I could have written most of what you posted. It was really hard to come to terms with the idea that I made a mistake that lasted for 20 years of my life. And finally, I came to grips with the fact that hanging on to that mistake, trying to somehow right it, was only perpetuating it.

Hugs to you and your daughter,
L

hopeangel

"However, if I was really honest with myself, I'd say that I probably could have picked a husband more suited to my needs. I'm a real go-getter and he has great plans, but rarely puts in what it takes to accomplish them. See how the relationship is a little lopsided?"

yep, i could have written it too.

latee, live and learn i guess... it's what is done with the next 20 years that counts

lexusgirl

Ahhh I could have written the above too. I seem to constantly pick men that are under achievers and don't have many goals or inspiration to want more for themselves in life.

Stand strong LW, and hold on to your boundaries.

LaTeeDa

You got that right!

L

Bernadette

Hiya Load Warrior- Glad you came here to share but I have to admit my heart broke a little when I read your snip of your life...

"Before I enter this, I want to say that my husband is generally a nice guy. He often has stated that me and our daughter are the best thing that ever happened to him"

I don't doubt that you and your daughter are the best things that have ever happened to your AH!!! You sound like a strong, intelligent, no-nonsense woman!


* If something ever happened to our DD or myself while he was drunk, I could NEVER forgive him. I'd have to leave him and that would hurt him more than anything. So for his own protection, I told him to stop drinking now. He said I was letting my imagination run away with me. I told him he had been given fair warning.

I hope this is the motivator for him to seek some kind of meaningful recovery so you can all enjoy the life you deserve. But I also hope you know that there is really NOTHING, no RIGHT CHOICE of words or threats that will get someone to stop drinking. Trust me!!! There are only words we can say, like you did, that are clear, not malicious, and that have OUR OWN BEST intentions behind them AND the will to actively enforce our own words.

He's hurt... and scared... and he knows I'll follow through.
My strength and blessings go out to you that you may follow through when you've had enough!!!!

If something ever happened to our DD or myself while he was drunk, I could NEVER forgive him.

That was the sentence that really broke my heart....

As someone who grew up with a strong but Co-dependent Mom and Alcoholic Dad can tell you --SOMETHING IS HAPPENING, every day, to you and your daughter when he is drinking!! It doesn't have to be the house burning down, or a car accident! The daily grind, sadness, unpredictability, hostility, unreliability, secretiveness, topsy-turvy MADNESS of living in an alcoholic family is a slow-moving TRAIN WRECK!!!!! Never forget that. Always put yourself and your daughter first-- because he will always put alcohol first for as long as he is drinking- he cannot help it - that's the very crux of the disease - the alcohol always wins until the Alki realizes his powerlessness and seeks help & recovery.

You just have such a strong spirit that comes right through in your writing-- stay strong- keep the focus on making the very best peaceful life for you and especially your daughter!! ROCK YOUR LIFE!!! If you hear a nagging voice saying you deserve better...listen to it!!!
Wishing you only the best----
B.

Barbara52

As Bernadette says, your DD is already being hurt. She is learning that alcoholism is normal, that adults behave in ways that show they cannot be trusted, that she cannot count on a stable environment, that life means being silent about what goes on in her life, that adults can't be trusted to protect her, that promises don't mean diddly. She is learning that an adult woman stays with an alcoholic regardless of how its affects the family. She is learning all the traits that will make her a wonderful girlfriend/wife of an alcoholic someday.

I know because that is what I learned growing up with alcoholic parents.

lexusgirl

Barbara and Bernadette your statements are so powerful and you both make such valid points. Something I haven't thought of until just now. I was raised in a similiar type situation, although a lot of domestic violence and womanizing on my Dad's part. It has affected me tremendously today. Have been through many years of therapy and am still trying to figure it all out.

denny57

I will never understand risking a child's life to "test" an alcoholic.

Load Warrior

Thanks everyone.

He has not admitted he's an alcoholic - which he may not be, but he was definitely on the road to Martiniville... which is enough. He's not in any kind of program, which concerns me. I can't force him to go. Perhaps he'll pull it off. He did quit smoking on his own, and I do feel like we're catching this early on... I'm hopeful but keeping a sharp eye.

I honestly don't feel like I'm in danger. I just see the alcohol and I see the temper. Neither has ever physically touched me or the baby or anyone else, nor have they ever mixed. But it's like having gasoline and matches in the same room. It just makes me nervous... it's stupid.

I know it sounds really stupid, but I feel like if/when I leave it has to be really justified. I don't think "he might get drunk and hit me" is a good enough reason. Honestly, anyone could do that, even me.

That being said, I'm not waiting for 'the hit' to leave. I thought I would leave if he got drunk again (because it is actually the drunk that I hate), but how do you define drunk? Only he can really tell how far out of it he is. So I've set a boundary at two drinks/day... which may turn out to be a mistake and I may have to move that boundary to 'no alcohol'. I'd feel comfortable if he could just have two drinks a day (and none while he's babysitting alone, of course).

So in some ways I'm not that bad off... isn't that sick. "we spend more on gin than groceries" and it isn't as bad as others. You know what... it's bad enough... it's bad enough for ME to hurt my best friend/my love like he's NEVER been hurt before. It's so bad that I'm willing to take EVERYTHING he cares about away from him if he takes one more step down that road. You know why? Because I'm not down that road. Every step he takes down that road is further away from me, and that's not a marriage... not the kind of marriage I'm going to have anyway.

FormerDoormat

It was hard to recognize denial in myself, but seeing it in others all I can say is WOW, denial is a powerful thing.

prodigal

Alcohol + temper = escalation towards abuse/violence.

It makes you nervous ... then you immediately state "it's stupid" and "it sounds really stupid..." Realistic potential for violence + saying "it's stupid" = denial of YOUR OWN reality

So you've set a boundary of two drinks a day. What will you do if he has four drinks tomorrow? And I don't mean "tomorrow" in an abstract way; I mean LITERALLY tomorrow. What consequences will he face if, on Friday evening, March 14, 2008, he has four drinks?

Yeah, you are THAT bad off. And it stinks. And I've been there too many times. Believe me ... if it isn't all that bad, it sure as heck ain't all that good.

Kindeyes

I was a little confused by the following...

We spend more on gin than groceries and it isn't as bad as others.

If that meant that you really do spend more on gin than groceries, that's a lot of gin. It's much more than "social drinking" or "moderate drinking" or "normal (if there is such a thing) drinking".

Trying to set a limit or control another person's drinking is mission impossible. It is something we all try at some point in time but it doesn't work. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

I hope that you and your little daughter are ok. Take care.

gentle hugs

Shivaya

I don't know about you sweetie, but for me, I certainly can "tell" when my AH is "far out of it". I can tell if he's had even one drink. All I have to do is look him in the eyes, and I can tell. He does not even have to open his mouth and say a word. I just know....

Certainly there are the other signs that someone is intoxicated, i.e., slurring of speach, loss of balance, passing out, blacking out, etc.

To me, once you take that first sip of alcohol, whether you are an alcoholic or not, your thinking becomes impaired.

So....what I do in my situation is.....set boundaries. My AH continues to drink. Not in our house, not in front of our children or myself. Not to the point of passing/blacking out. These are the boundaries that I have set. He knows I would prefer him not to drink, but he wants to continue to drink, and I am choosing to stay in my marriage, and stick to my boundaries.

You say that he's hurt and scared? What about you and your child? Aren't you hurt and scared?

Please take care of yourself and your child.

Shivaya