ajangels2

This statement has new meaning to me today. I had posted previously to my dilemma with my AH who has relapsed. Well I guess it was Monday morning that I was so sad and depressed... AH stayed out all night with his band and didn't make it home until 5am. Life has changed so much for me that staying out until 5 am is just not going to happen for me anymore.

After many tears and prayer and meditation and the help of one of our CAL How Alanon works I found some peace, serenity, and discovery about my life. I realized that the past 6 years of my relationship with this person I have been the one "forcing solutions" and as it states in the welcome... forcing solutions can cause us to become irritable and unmanageable without even knowing it. It was me who has been pushing AA, counseling, church... and I have been all in his business of program. One of my character defects to control of course. I have lost the ability to feel happy, joyous, and free in my life because I have been waiting for the day when I can say I have a recovery family. I see clearly now that my AH does not want recovery. He may still be using... I don't know, what I do know is that he has never been committed to the program, spiritual healing, or counseling. It was always me pushing and driving us to go. I have been making myself crazy and miserable tyring to get him to "see the light" and choose a way of life that is healthy... of course healthy by my standards.

Our relationship has been somewhat deceptive on both our parts... both of us trying to mold each other into what we want. He wants me to be the fun laid back wife who doesn't care if he drinks, smokes pot, or plays in the band until 5 am. He wants me to be the wife who is always saying... oh let me do that for you honey... but then resents me when I do.

I have wanted him to be this responsible, honest, giving, husband and father who goes out of his way to help me and the kids... someone who tries really hard to make a decent living, someone who is capable of making mature choices with our money, his time, the kids, etc. Well what I have is a loving man who has a pretty good heart most times unless he doesn't get his way. He does things when he's ready and to his liking. He loves his children and gives them attention when he makes the time. He works hard when he feels like it and plays hard when he feels like it. He is capable of having fun and feeling carefree no matter what and on some occassions he drinks and does drugs. Until it gets out of hand... then he becomes a slave to the drink and the drugs.

I told him if you want the band and the alcohol and drugs take it its yours... I'm no longer going to push recovery on you, counseling or church. I'm not giving up my dream of a recovery family, I'm just restructuring the dream and understand that it might not include him... until he is ready. I have blamed him and yelled at him because of the intense anger I have felt... believing it was his choices, attitude, behaviors that caused this pain in my life. It did cause pain, but it was up to me to figure out how I was going to respond to it... would I allow it to devastate me? He was telling me all along that this is what he had to give I was just not accepting it... I couldn't understand why someone would settle for mediocre living and be a slave to this disease when all these free resources are at our disposal. He has not made that discovery yet.

So now I'm thinking o.k. I can stop obsessing and worrying about this and stick to my program of recovery and do the things that make me and the kids happy regardless of whether he's with us or not. If he begins to spin out of control again with his using then I'll have to send him on his way... now I have to find out for myself can I be happy with this person just the way he is? Wow!! I thought I had made a decision about that long ago, but now I see I had not truly surrendered my "power and control". I was still fighting and trying to have it my way. I don't have to fight anymore... I don't have to push and plead or beg... and I don't have to stay if I don't want to. I'm not bound by chains to him.. I can just leave at any time. This is such a freeing feeling to me because for so long I have put my feelings in a box and surrounding that box was my fears, my belief systems, my disease of controlling. I can let that go now.. still just sitting with this and asking HP to help me discern whether what I say to people or decisions I make is attempting to control them in any way... then I can choose to let it go and let them be who they are. ODAT.

Peace,
ajangels

Growing

This is great! I support you 100%. I know alanon and the principles of the program have helped me so much. I love reading about how the program has helped others. Thank you!

sodetermined

ajangels2,

Wow, thank you for this post today!!

This is me, also. I had learned about codependency and recovery and thought I "had it", but until recently, I didn't get it all. I STILL wasn't willing to let go of the idea that I could help him (by controlling/being angry, or whatever means possible). And I could not agree more, it is such a feeling of freedom.....such a great feeling. Getting him to go to CR, with ultimatums or what not, Church, all of that stuff, but he was only doing it to pacify me, not to recover. And then it hit me...he is absolutely not going to recover unless he wants it, but that does not mean that I can't recover!!!!


This is so profound, isn't it. I am still working on this but it really helped to read this today, just extra reenforcement for me. This is the beginning of such growth for us, this realization, this "Awakening". (there is a very good reading at the top I think it is called "Awakening".

:ghug3

Shivaya

Ajangels,

Holy guacamole! Same story/different state/different house/different family. I read your post and was nodding my head "yes, yes" as I am living in a very similar situation.

I'm glad to hear that you've come to a point where you realize you need to worry about yourself, your children and your own actions.

I am at this point as well. I no longer accept unacceptable behavior from anyone. I attend alanon, see a therapist and visit SR. I have set my boundaries re: drinking with my AH, and I am sticking to them. I feel confident that at this point, my job is to work on my recovery, and to let him work on his (however he chooses to do so). If my boundaries are crossed, then I have to and will take action (legal separtion).

I am not afraid. I am not angry. I'm not sad (at least not today). I have made the choice to stay in this marriage, accepting very bad behavior and habits (drinking, smoking pot, etc., etc.) and now I'm choosing not to accept these things. Simple as that.

My AH continues to drink (although not excessively as he used to). He is in the process of making an appt. to see a counselor (it's not a process for me...I just pick up the phone and make an appt., but for some reason it's been 7 weeks, and he still does not have an appt.), and he is taking responsiblity for certain household duties that he's not been involved with before. He's doing what he can to help himself. I encourage him, but I do not do anything related to his recovery for him, unless he specifically asks for help. His recovery and how he handles it is up to him. I know this.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. We are not alone!

Shivaya

Shivaya

Uh oh, I just realized the smile I put on the bottom of my last post is kissing and giving flowers. I really just wanted to give you the flowers......oooopppsss!


Shivaya

LaTeeDa

Acceptance is such a beautiful thing. It's something that took me a long time to get to, kicking and screaming all the way. And, I am reminded all the time that acceptance is the key to living a happy life. It's not just applicable to living with addiction/alcoholism, it applies to everything.

If I fight with/argue about/deny reality, I can never be happy. It puts me in the position of victim.

If I accept reality for what it is, it puts me in a position of power. Power over my own life and happiness.

Still learning every day,

L

Bernadette

HOLY COW!!! This is like THE WHOLE HELLISH CODEPENDENT JOURNEY towards recovery told so concisely and powerfully!!! What clear insights. THANK YOU FOR THIS!!! You have done some serious work here....I'm just so inspired...
and grateful for your wisdom and honesty.

ajangels2

Thank you all for your E,S, and H. Since Monday and coming to these realizations or awakenings things have been much calmer in my home. My AH has had a good week of pitching in to help out with the kids in the morning, making dinner in the evening, and cleaning up. I was able to make it to two meetings this week. Last night's topic was Acceptance. LTD... I agree after accepting things for what they are it has freed me to make choices solely for myself and what I feel will benefit me and the kids and even AH indirectly. I have turned over one of the bank accounts to him and made him solely responsible for his own cash flow. It's just one good step forward into putting things back to where they belong.
Wishing everyone peace and serenity today.
Ajangels