So tired

Old 03-11-2008, 12:45 PM
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So tired

I'm so tired of being the 'strong one' in the family. A few folks in my family are concerned about my nephew, as I am, so what do they do? they phone me and ask what they should do. Now I'm not the best person to ask for advice, I'm not the kind of person to tell someone what they should do, I think I'd usually say 'do what you think is right'. I suppose that's because that's what I'd do, even if someone gave me advice, at the end of the day I'd do what I thought was right, for me first, then for everyone else involved. At the moment it seems like things might be coming to a head with my brother and his son, I can't quite put my finger on anyhing but things seem different somehow. Other people are noticing things going on. But I can't stop thinking that others in my family (and some friends) are ringing me to guide them. I can't do that, I've done and continue to do what I can for my nephew. I'm there for him, I feed him, I treat him as one of my own, I offer support and love him to bits, he knows he can stay whenever he wants to. I've also alerted the authorities to his situation, spoken to his school about the family situation and offered to give im a home for as long as it takes.
It's got me nowhere though, so why do the others think I can give them any advice? Don't they think I've done all I can? I'm starting to doubt myself but I don't know what else I can do. Should I try to guide them? I don't think so but like I said I'm doubting myself at the moment.
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Old 03-11-2008, 12:59 PM
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Don't doubt yourself! You are doing everything you can for your nephew!

As to what to say to the others, well, perhaps just listening to them and talking about what you've done and then asking them what they think can be done?
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Old 03-11-2008, 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
Don't doubt yourself! You are doing everything you can for your nephew!

As to what to say to the others, well, perhaps just listening to them and talking about what you've done and then asking them what they think can be done?
Thank you Barbara, it just wears me out sometimes, everyone ringing me and asking me the same questions, telling me the same stuff, does my head in. I think because I live so near to my brother they think I see all that goes on and think I have all the answers. I can only do so much though, and I feel when I say that they think I'm cold and uncaring.
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Old 03-11-2008, 02:24 PM
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I agree with Barbara, you are doing all you can for your nephew and i respect you for that. I think the important thing here is your concsience which should be crystal clear. It did my head in also when my xab family would call me for advice, it gets so tiering in the end all i would say is "Ive done all i can, if you can think of anything else that would be brilliant". I think people in general would rather someone else sort out problems and in this case they have nominated you, but it is not all your responsibility, please remember that.

take good care of you

Mair xx
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Old 03-11-2008, 02:32 PM
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Hi Lucy
In a way it's unfortunate you live so near your brother because everyone automatically thinks you know most about the situation and will know what's best to be done, on the other hand it's fantasic for your nephew that he has you so close.

It's really hard being seen as the 'fixer' in the family. Sometimes that role just gets handed to (or dumped on) you because you're seen to be strong and capable and people tend to lean on you.

What they dont realise is how draining it is for you. I got stuck in the middle of my brother's very dysfunctional marriage, had everyone phoning me, my brother calling in a panic every day - until I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to slowly distance myself from the situation. I was lucky as there were no children involved, but I was not popular with either my brother, my mother or the rest of the family for a long time. They simply didnt understand that I couldn't fix it, and I was drowning.

You have your nephew to look out for, so this is so much harder. Maybe you have to start telling people how this is affecting you. You need to look after yourself so you can look after your own boys and your nephew. I'll bet he thinks you're a hero.
N
x
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:05 PM
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I relate to you big time and its great you are there for your nephew. From my experience too, it seemed my family always asked me what to do, simply because they didnt want to take any responsiblity if things went wrong. Everything was always loaded onto me, because I let them. Know what I mean.
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Old 03-11-2008, 04:20 PM
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Lucy,
You are allowed to take a break once in a while from all the worrying and focus on your brother and nephew, sweetie. You are a working, single mom, which is tough enough without all the added stress. Try to step back for a day or two and have some Lucy-time... all the problems will still be there when you are done. This may mean giving yourself a no-answering-the-phone for a day or two, taking your own children out for a meal and some fun, or asking someone to babysit for YOU for a change so that you can have some down time. Remember, if you aren't at full strength in taking care of yourself first, then it's doubtful you can be there for others. Hang in there!
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Old 03-11-2008, 05:07 PM
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I know how you feel, Lucy. I live near my AS, and since my parents are across the country, they automatically turn to me to be the problem-solver, hence all this turmoil.

I agree with Barbara...sometimes I'll say, "well, what do you think you should do?", and that puts the responsibility back on them...
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