offroader

I have been searching the internet for answers to this question and was not able to find much helpful info, but I did find this board which looks like it has a bunch of awesome people who may be able to answer my question.

I have a good friend and coworker who I've known for about a year. We have alot of similar interests and I really like hanging out with him. I put a bunch of things together and suspected he was an AA member. my theory was proven true when i saw a copy of the Big Book in the back of his truck when i was moving stuff over to make room to sit there.

I am unsure if he knows that I know. I would like to talk to him about it for a couple reasons:

1. I would like to invite him to BBQs and stuff like that with my friends. However there will be alcohol at these events and i don't know if he would be comfortable with that. I rarely drink, and if he attended these events, i would avoid alcohol entirely, but i don't know if he would be comfortable being around other people drinking.


2. A couple members of my extended family have some trouble with alcohol and gambling. i would like to learn more about 12 step programs and how they may be able to help these people.

3. I basically want him to know that I won't judge him based on this and that he doesn't need to hide anything.

Barbara52

Sounds like you already know what you want to say to him.

AliceinWndrland

From reading this email, it doesn't sounds like you have anything to worry about. I mean, you come across as very caring and concerned for your friend's comfort, and I think if you handle the convesation as delicately as this email was written, he'll be able to see you are coming from a true place of friendship and non-judgement, and see that you're willing to make accomodations so that everything is comfortable, happy and enjoys the afternoon. I think any friend would appreciate that.

best

Print out your own post and you have your answers.

How would you talk to a friend that belongs to any other group?

An ice breaker could be... I had seen you have the BB. Are you a member because I would like to learn more so I can better deal with and understand some family members.
From there, you could ask if he would like to attend a BBQ. If alcohol being around is a problem for him, he will make that choice himself.

justanothrdrunk

Start with #2. That's what I would do anyway.

tryingtofly

Like the others said -you seem to know what to say already! If you've known him for a year, and have yet to see him drink during that period - maybe he's been sober for that time frame. Some RA's are ok being around alcohol, some are not - from what I've picked up on, it depends on where they are in the recovery (not nec. time wise, but personally) If you want to invite him to the BBQ - do so, if he agrees to go and doesn't ask about the alcohol, then maybe it's not a problem for him?

Sophia57

Hi Offroader & welcome
Just one thing struck me - how long do you know your friend? Maybe he's not ready for you to know he's an alcoholic, for all sorts of reasons. RAs tend to guard their anonymity closely - something I hear from my own husband, a long time RA.

Maybe you could start a general conversation about how worried you are about your relatives' problems with alcohol. If he doesn't bite and come clean, then maybe he's not ready for you to know yet.

warrens

Offroader

As others have pointed out, you HAVE more or less answered your question.

I'm not going to advise on the BBQ or your family, etc.

I am going to point out what I expect from my loved ones.

I'd like to point out the difference between "accepting" and "understanding."

I can never UNDERSTAND completely what it is like to be a woman. African American. Gay. Rich. Handicapped in so many ways. Ad infinitum.

I tell M'lady, family, and other loved ones. "Thank god you don't understand addiction!" "I don't ever want you to 'understand.'" What I need, if you are able, for you to ACCEPT that warren has a serious disease. One that alters the way I must approach life. If I do it correctly, most will not even notice. But to those who are close to me, differences will be apparent.

There are many ways you may wish to approach this with your friend. That he(she) left the Big Book out in the open signals that he(she) "accepts" his(her) own difference and is dealing with it. I have a copy in my bathroom that anyone might see.

I suggest that you might initiate a conversation about an old "friend" who who struggled with alcohol and how much you admired them. Something like that. If he(she) is comfortable, they will quite likely confide. If not, you will know your boundaries. there are ways to bring up references in conversation, in a positive way, that have nothing to do with them. I've done this many, many times with folks who I cared about and was quite sure they were gay.

The only fear an alcoholic who is dealing with their disease or, I suspect, a gay person, is the fear of ignorance and/or intolerance. The same thing, really.

I don't know if I've helped, but I appreciate that you are seeking help with this. Too many people would simply avoid it.

warrens