Shivaya

Wow, about 4 hours ago, 5pm CA time, I was about to post on here that today I have Hope. With a capitol H. AH and I had such a great weekend together, with the kids. I was happy, he was happy, the kids were happy, we truly had a family that functioned so well, without the alcohol.

Then comes 6pm. My AH is at a neighbor's house, all the kids are playing out front. I come over to join. Neighbor hands AH a beer, AH takes it and drinks it.

I excuse myself from the group, and go home.

I don't yell at my AH. I don't do anything, really. Except write him a 4 page note explaining what a wonderful weekend I had with him. That I thought I made it clear that I cannot be around the alcohol anymore.

My AH asks "what's wrong?" I tell him. He says "I've been so good, I thought it was okay with you if I had a "few beers". "Come on, I have not passed out, blacked out, I'm not drinking in the house, etc., etc., etc". Blah, Blah, Blah....................he forgot about the part where I asked him if he could try not to drink anymore, forever...................

He wants to know why I'm on his case. I tell him I'm not on his case. That he is choosing to drink, and that I am choosing to not be around while he drinks. I can't make him stop. I can ask him to leave.

I think I need to add a P.S. to my letter.......................P.S. Please leave.

On my last post there was kind of a joke about whether my AH drank on Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. etc. would I ask him to leave............well, turns out It's Sunday, and I think I'm going to have to ask him to leave (I am going to sleep on it.....and add to my note in the morning). I have witnesses now, I said I'm going to think about it, so that means I have to.....

Shivaya

abcdefg

god, this sucks. i am so very sorry for what you are walking through here.

you sound very aware and rational -- i don't know if you FEEL aware and rational but you sound it!

peaceteach

It's a tough thing, Shivaya, this making a decision and sticking with it. I think it's so great that you have decided to sleep on it and not pitch a fit last night--shows real growth and self-control on your part that you didn't "react" and are deciding how best to "respond". I don't think there is a one of us here who hasn't said NEVER AGAIN and then gone back on those words. This is a support board, not a "told you so" board, so whatever decision you make today, you have my support, sweetie. Do what is best for you and your children. That part is not out of your control.

AWEDA

I'm so sorry. We get our hopes up,have a "normal" life only to have our hearts broken,it sucks....

tryingtofly

I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to have a good couple of days and be happy and think things are going to change. It's like flying a kite and watching it dance around in the sky, when all of a sudden someone comes along and cuts the string and the kits goes crashing to the ground.
Stay strong.

Growing

I agree with this 100%.

Be kind and patient with yourself...this is real growth and self-control like peaceteach shared. When you are ready...you can work on what you are willing to do...figure out what plan b is, if that is what you want, and put it into place...so that it is there and easily accessible when the time comes.

You learned valubal info....that this person who you care very much about...will continue to drink in some form...and that he will test your boundaries.

LaTeeDa

So true. My AH used to quit periodically to "shut me up," lol. Then he would start with the "I've been so good," "I deserve a couple," etc. We went back and forth playing that game for years. He never wanted to quit or saw drinking as a problem. I was the problem, so he tried to appease me.

The more I learn about boundaries, the more I think it is best to base them on behavior rather than drinking. Even if I set a boundary that I will not be with him if he drinks, it was too hard to up and leave over "a couple of beers." After all, it wasn't really the drinking that was unacceptable, it was the behavior. And making boundaries about the behavior is more about protecting me and less about controlling him. Eventually, I stopped trying to control him at all. It was "you do whatever you want, and I will do whatever I need to."

All I can really say is do what's best for you, regardless of what he does.

(((())))

L

sodetermined

You know what, this makes a lot of sense to me. Chris would always say, "nobody else has a problem w/my drinking, only you do", and you are right, it wasn't "the drinking", but how he treated me after, and also the consequences because of the drinking. (like getting fired, arrested, etc.) And another very good point with the boundaries based on behavior is when you make it about the drinking then it really does seem to them like you are trying to control them. I used to drive myself crazy every time he would open that first beer...and he would go on his merry way and I would act like a crazy person. But it was so much more than the beer, so much more.

Shivaya

Thank you all so much for your replies. I did sleep on it. I did not add the P.S. to my letter, rather, I ended it by saying that I choose to get off the rollercoaster ride NOW.

So he reads the letter this morning. He is near tears, asking me why I can't "cut him some slack" that he has made such great progress (which he has), and that he see's nothing wrong with "having a few beers on a Sunday afternoon".

I agree. There is nothing wrong with having a few beers on a Sunday afternoon. However, in the past, his "record" of sticking with this "moderation" has failed.

I explained to him that this is not about him anymore....It's about me, and what behaviors are acceptable to me, and what behaviors are not acceptable to me. It's about me, and how I feel when I see that he is under the influence. It's about me, and my recovery, b/c I am trying to recover too. It's about me, and the fact that I don't want to be around him if he's UTI, and I certainly don't want my kids around that any longer.

He says it's "not fair" that I am giving him an "all or nothing ultimatum". I say "it's not fair" that I have cleaned up his messes all these years. Wait a minute....it is fair. He did not ask me to clean up his messes, I did it all by myself. And now I am done.

He says he is a "changed man" and that there won't be any more messes, and can I please give him a chance?

So...where do we go from here? I did not ask him to leave (how can you ask someone to leave b/c they drank 3 beers)? He was slurring his words, and I could tell he'd been drinking (even if I hadn't seen him doing it). He did get the kids ready for bed.....but......he was UTI, and I can't stand him when he is. I don't like the glossy look in his eyes, the slurred speach. It disgusts me. I can't be around it. He knows this.

My house is a flippin' amusement park. I'm off the rollercoaster today, but I'm stuck on this stupid merry-go-round (not so merry).

Thanks for listening.

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

If this is true, you will see it over time. Actions speak louder than words.

Where you go from here is up to you. You can't be around it? Yet you are. You're off the rollercoaster? Or just at one of those lulls on the bottom heading back up for another plunge?

What are your dealbreakers? What is truly unacceptable? You can say his behavior is unacceptable, but as long as you accept it, it really isn't, is it? When I first learned that actions speak louder than words, it was a huge AHA for me. I stopped listening to his words and started paying attention to his actions. Some time later, I applied the same principle to myself. I stopped talking about things and started taking action. Another big AHA.

L

sodetermined

Shivaya,

For me, if Chris was sober for a while (meaning a week) then I know the first time he drank, even if only "a couple beers" I was always pissed and would lose control of myself and he seemed just fine....HOWEVER, to me.....it was the beginning to yet another cycle, sure today it might only be 3 beers, but I knew if I didn't say anything, unless he truly was sorry for drinking.....the next day it would be 4, and so on because he is an ALCOHOLIC. If they could handle a couple beers every now and then they would not be an addict. Plus, I was so bitter from all of the stuff that he had done before and it was such a trigger to my own unresolved feelings. To me it would be different if they would say, "you know what? I messed up, I relapsed, and I am going to do .......(blank) to make sure it doesn't happen again"...rather than "so what, big deal, i had a couple of beers on a Sunday"....that is just denying there is a problem.

JMHO.

Barbara52

I disagree. What's wrong with a few beers for an alcoholic? Everything! We know alcoholics can't stop with just a few!

Who ever said life was fair?

You aren't giving an ultimatim. He is free to do as he wishes, just not around you or the kids. And if he chooses to violate that boundary, you are going to take action. Right?

No, he doesn't. Because he is still there. You are still there. What he knows is that he can keep doing what he's been doing because you say you will do X but don't actually do X. I don't think you "know" this either.

sodetermined

Barbara52,

I think we were typing at the same time.

Barbara52

GMTA

LaTeeDa

Exactly. And me thinking "maybe this time he really means it." Also, just denying reality.

It was so difficult to accept reality. That I had no control over him, no responsibility for his choices, no way to make him see the light. I had to accept that it is what it is. Now, what was I going to do about it? Gosh, I feel my muscles getting tense just thinking about those realizations. Tough, yes? I am so much more at peace now, but I still remember how difficult it was to let go.

(((((Shivaya)))))

L

lexusgirl

May I ask what type of progress he has made? Is he working on his recovery? If he's just not drinking he's only obstaining and theres a huge difference between the two. Like Barbara said, yes it is normal and nothing wrong with having a few beers on a Sunday afternoon, but he's an alcoholic. He doesn't react the same way as you or I might in having a few beers.

I too used to think this, only to watch him obstain for a few weeks to make me "happy" then go right back to drinking every night.

Its a difficult decision to make...we're all here for you..take care of yourself

Shivaya

Aahhhhh....the voices of reason. Thanks again everybody.

Barb52, you are right. There is nothing wrong with having a couple of beers on a Sun. aft., if you are not an alcoholic! Those last 6 words were actually in my mind, but for some reason, they did not make it out of my mouth or onto the keyboard.

I know I've not given him an ultimatum. I've just told him that I can't be around him if he's UTI, and I don't want our kids around him if he's UTI.

Now I have to think about my actions. What a ding dong I am....I say (to you at SR) I'm going to file for legal separation if he drinks at all period. That's not what I did. When it came time, and I knew it would come, it did not seem to be the right thing for me to do.

Yes, his actions are clearly showing that he is trying. He has not passed out/blacked out, etc. He has taken responsibility for things he has not taken resp. for in years.

Question to myself: Would I be as concerned about the stupid "beer" if not for the past? No. Would I be concerned if I didn't feel he had a problem? No. Can I really live like this? Maybe. Can I live with someone that passes/blacks out from A? Absolutely not.

Okay.....so maybe I've just established my boundary by letting this all out. My zero tolerance needs to be with the passing/blacking out. Non-negotiable. I can accept/tolerate slurring of the words, as long as it does not get worse than that.

Guess I'll just have to let his actions speak.

Hmmmm, do I really have this figured out? Every time I think I do, I change my mind. Ughhh!

I do have to say, however, that my newly found knowledge through alanon and counseling, has helped me to better deal with my "stuff" as it comes up.

Thank you all,

Shivaya

Barbara52

You are making great progress in defining what you want! That is not an easy task. Your line in the sand may change again and again depending on your growth and events that transpire. But that's fine as long as you believe you are making progress and you are content with your decisions. And it is a line in the sand, not in concrete.

FormerDoormat

"He'll stop drinking this time; he's a changed man," he claims. And "the next time he drinks, I'm done," you claim. This is what I've dubbed the codie-alkie dance. When both of you mean what you say, things will change. Until then, the dance just continues.

hadenoughnow

I went through this exact scenario with my STBX. In my case I finally figured out that he was just humoring me and his SA counselor when he abstained, like many A's his real goal was to prove to us he could "control his drinking" and be a social drinker by having "a few beers here and there".

His counselor dumped him and so did I.