Hanging tough
 

Received an email from my ab today, stating he 'couldn't believe I wanted him to go to jail.' 'And he knows the mistakes he's made, no one will let him live it down'.
I emailed him back and told him that I didn't want him to go to jail. I felt if he got out of trouble, something else would just happen. I also wrote that until he got his life straightened out, stopped drinking, etc, his life probably was not going to change.
Am I saying/doing the right thing? I'm trying to hang tough with him.

The best thing to do would be to NOT respond to the email....NOT defend yourself. He's just trying to engage/hook you. There's no winning.

He knows what he has done. He knows what consequences follow what he has done. He knows you don't decide those consequences.

By engaging in debate about it, what do you get out of it?

When I engage, it lets me stay attached to the sickness, ie: makes me a sickie too.

I have been un-egaged for a while now...I prefer it!

IMHO. Now that you've sent one e-mail stating his problem is drinking/drugging and if you can "step back" and refuse to answer any more e-mails regarding this conversation then you've done the right thing.

But if this continues to be a back-and-forth thing then you are engaging which is falling for the bait.

I guess I just want him to know I love him. He hasn't responded since I sent the email, and if he does, I won't answer. I see where you're coming from, stating not to engage. I'm slowly, but surely learning.

I'll bet you've told him that a good number of times already.

I guess I don't get it..I shouldn't tell him I care about him? Or am I taking that wrong?

You've already told him, many times I would think. Have you told him you don't? He knows you love him. Telling him again won't change anything. You've already told him you love him and would support him if he gets into recovery, right? To repeat this again only plays into the manipulative tendencies of an A. It can also be taken by him as nagging which is a form of enabling since it gives him a target to blame (wrongly of course) for any drinking he does.

I guess I'm trying to say that sending another email saying I love you only continues the noncommunication that is already been going on. What will it accomplish to email him anything? What do you get out of it other than a return email that causes you further pain?

Yep, you are right. He hasn't emailed me back, but I've already decided (after reading these posts) that I'm not answering. He called Sunday and tried to get me to go to his house to watch a movie. I didn't go. I feel something was up with that, not sure what? He never does that. At any rate, I'll keep on reading the postings and learning. And I AM learning. Thanks. :)

tStorm,
I recently went through a lot of the same stuff with my axgf. I responded a lot too, it dragged the breakup out over 3 months. It's tough, because you do want them to know you care.

Somebody told me to step back, and listen to my heart, which (of course at that time) told me to respond, to try to help, so I did, but while doing that, started to realize that I did have to let go as well, had to push her away, but in pushing away, I always tried to coax her into getting help, she is a therapist herself (scary huh?)and did seek help, and is still in treatment, and has improved tremendously, but still has a LONG way to go -- we'll never be together again.

It's hard, but it happens, otherwise, none of us would be here! So take it one day at a time, and keep asking for help when you feel like you need it, you'll get there!