abcdefg

i am so sick of dealing with this disease today and how it has affected my life.

but more than anything, i am so sick of being blamed for how this disease has affected SOMEONE ELSE'S life.

i am exhausted and frustrated.

i am feeling hatred toward someone i love. i want to beat him to a bloody little pulp and then spit on the pile of flesh and bone that's left behind.

my feelings and resentments are totally unmanageable today.

i am begging my higher power to free me from the bondage of the self. i can't fix, take, judge, accept, deny or stomach anything else from anyone about anything.

i feel dangerous today. like someone is going to get hurt. but it won't be me.

then, ultimately, it will. because the As only get drunk or numb themselves out or run away. and i'm left with me. the only thing stopping me from lashing out is that i refuse to put myself in a position where i have to make an amends to someone who has done so much to damage my trust and respect.

lexusgirl

((((abc))))

I too feel a lot of anger. Sometimes it gets the best of me. What your feeling is normal. How you decide to react to the anger is up to you.

What about a healthy outlet to get it all out? Writing a letter to him, then tearing it up, and flushing it...taking your pillows and punching them as hard as you can...taking a long drive with the music turned up and yelling as loud as you can...of course with the windows rolled up

abcdefg

Thank you for the support.

I just read ODAT for today. Holy crap. For those of you who relate but don't have a copy, here's the entry:

Losing my temper -- call it an "attack of anger" -- can be a disease, to. It afflicts many of us before (and even after) we come into Al-anon. We try to cure this disease by applying the Al-anon program to our thinking. The symptom of the anger-sickness is an uncontrollable impulse to jude and condemn someone else. In this emotional explosion I am really asserting that everything I think and do is right, and everything the other person does is wrong. If I were not sick when I denounce and accuse I would at least realize that the momentary relief I get from my outburst is poor pay for the consequences I must bear.

Today's Reminder:
I learnin in Al-anon to be good to myself. Am I not ill when I allow anger to destroy my poise and peace of mind? When I lose control, am I not handing over control to the one I am treating like an adversary? Can anger ever express love?

"I pray for quietness to help me cure my own emotional instability. Let me use serenity to cushion the impact of whatever happens outside of me."

Miss Pink

This is EXACTLY what I am feeling at this very moment. THanks for posting this. You...and me, are not alone.

Growing

Thank you for sharing the odat reading....you can really see the quality of the program in that reading.

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing the excerpt from odat. I find it amazing how I can open it sometimes, randomly, and find exactly what I needed.

Let me use serenity to cushion the impact of whatever happens outside of me.

Serenity.....a much better feeling than anger.

Angelus

Wow. I was just coming here to start a topic about the very same thing.

Now that my eyes are finally wide open, I am feeling a deep and frightening anger. Towards the As for mistreating me, and sadly towards myself for allowing it. I'm trying to live in the now, because I've made a huge and positive change, but the wounds are very fresh.

really_fed_up

I agree...feeling the same way, too. Thank you!8