new commer old problem
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2
new commer old problem
I am 23 years old my father has had an alcohol problem for as long as I can remember. Heres the story lets say my dad is the mayor so if anything goes on his record he loses his job and my family main source of income we live in his office so if my mother is to leave him she has to find a new place of residence because his business is his home. At one point he was abusive towards my mother. This changed once my brother and I were big enough to stand up to him. I am still afraid that it will happen again. I really want to join the army to serve my country but iam afraid to leave him alone. Not only for her sake but im afraid for him to, he has threatened his own life before. When I went away to college I would get phone calls about all the problems at home which took quite a toll on me so much that i dont want to leave the house until things change. I know this is unhealthy though. My father is a nice man at heart. the problem is he sets his goals way to high then suffers from depression when he can not reach them which leads him straight to the bottle. I want him to go to alanon or something along those lines very badly but when i suggest it he changes the subject. I want to force him into it by threatening to end our relationship but I know the two peope who tried that before his best-friend and then his brother are no longer part of his life because he now "hates them". The other idea that I had was to call him in anonymously for a dwi he does it all of the time and somehow never gets caught this way the state will force him to get help and not implicate the family, but on the downside he loses his job.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 20
Sweetie,
You remind me so much of myself, the loving daughter trying to fix and control everything, hoping to change him. Please go to alanon and learn how to take care of you, you did not cause his drinking, you cannot cure it or control it. Please do not wait until you are in your 40's to realize that the only person you can control is you. I woke up very late in life too many years wasted, worrying about that which I could not control. Go to counseling, alanon, go serve your country or whatever else you want to do. When you come back, if you choose to, everyone will be right where they would have been if you had stayed here worrying. The biggest stressor in life is being held accountable over those things or people of which you have no control.Read the book codependent no more, save yourself, sweetie, and if they decide to do different you will be in a lot better shape to support them. How they are doing, does not need to affect how you are doing. Live your life and take care of you!!!!! If what I went through in my family can help you than I am blessing it right now, because I wasted many years trying to control, change, and alter their lifestyles, IT NEVER WORKS, because it is an inside job. Their answers are inside of them and we can't get in there, the same for us. Just know that I am praying for you and I hope you go to alanon and use these tools to bring about the best possible outcome for everyone involved, Keep me posted, I really care, all of us do, keep coming back!!
You remind me so much of myself, the loving daughter trying to fix and control everything, hoping to change him. Please go to alanon and learn how to take care of you, you did not cause his drinking, you cannot cure it or control it. Please do not wait until you are in your 40's to realize that the only person you can control is you. I woke up very late in life too many years wasted, worrying about that which I could not control. Go to counseling, alanon, go serve your country or whatever else you want to do. When you come back, if you choose to, everyone will be right where they would have been if you had stayed here worrying. The biggest stressor in life is being held accountable over those things or people of which you have no control.Read the book codependent no more, save yourself, sweetie, and if they decide to do different you will be in a lot better shape to support them. How they are doing, does not need to affect how you are doing. Live your life and take care of you!!!!! If what I went through in my family can help you than I am blessing it right now, because I wasted many years trying to control, change, and alter their lifestyles, IT NEVER WORKS, because it is an inside job. Their answers are inside of them and we can't get in there, the same for us. Just know that I am praying for you and I hope you go to alanon and use these tools to bring about the best possible outcome for everyone involved, Keep me posted, I really care, all of us do, keep coming back!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Please do not put your life on hold because of your father! You cannot change him. You cannot make him do anything. You cannot make your mother do anything.
Have you tried AlAnon for yourself? How about suggesting going together with your mother? Educating yourself on what you can do to help yourself is a great starting point.
Have you tried AlAnon for yourself? How about suggesting going together with your mother? Educating yourself on what you can do to help yourself is a great starting point.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Barbara -- that was a wonderful suggestion.
Ginseng--Consider what Barbara said. Try an Alanon meeting (not an AA meeting but Alanon--it is specifically for the loved ones of alcoholics). Invite your mother to go with you. This way you are able to help yourself (and your mother if she goes too) without confrontation, guilt or blame.
gentle hugs
Ginseng--Consider what Barbara said. Try an Alanon meeting (not an AA meeting but Alanon--it is specifically for the loved ones of alcoholics). Invite your mother to go with you. This way you are able to help yourself (and your mother if she goes too) without confrontation, guilt or blame.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Welcome to SR - I know your pain.
Please listen to the advice above - you have to look after you.
My father was an A - I know what you are saying but you cannot do anything for him until he wants the help. It took myself and siblings walking away from him to see what he was losing because of his disease... it was a hard stand but one we did for us and our children. He chose us in the end but had he not who knows,
My STBX has all but lost a few good friends to this - some because they tried to force him to see what he did not see - he cut them out of his life - his loss. Maybe one day he will see that - maybe not
You have to look after you - Ala-non is a great start - reading all you can here is a great start.. learn all you can to look after you.
again welcome
shakarris
Please listen to the advice above - you have to look after you.
My father was an A - I know what you are saying but you cannot do anything for him until he wants the help. It took myself and siblings walking away from him to see what he was losing because of his disease... it was a hard stand but one we did for us and our children. He chose us in the end but had he not who knows,
My STBX has all but lost a few good friends to this - some because they tried to force him to see what he did not see - he cut them out of his life - his loss. Maybe one day he will see that - maybe not
You have to look after you - Ala-non is a great start - reading all you can here is a great start.. learn all you can to look after you.
again welcome
shakarris
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Welcome ginseng0485!
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics...my mother and father were active alcoholics my whole life growing up.
I agree with the above advice...One of the first things we wrestle with in recovery is where does the alcoholic end and I begin? Basic boundary questions...I hope you will see that you deserve a seperate life from the alcoholic in your life...it is unhealthy...the sooner you create a healthy life of your own the better.
From there, you can choose when and how you want to interact with your family....the difference is you will be choosing...you won't be doing it from a place of guilt...you won't be forced...you may find that you can't deal with them in a healthy way...some go no-contact and some interact with the alcoholic in a way that they choose. A common fear is that you HAVE to go no-contact....but that is a misconception, in my opinion.
Keep coming back to SR...keep posting and asking questions...another great section of SR is the ACOA section for children of alcoholics....check it out...I post both, here and in acoa....look forward to seeing you around.....take care!
I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics...my mother and father were active alcoholics my whole life growing up.
I agree with the above advice...One of the first things we wrestle with in recovery is where does the alcoholic end and I begin? Basic boundary questions...I hope you will see that you deserve a seperate life from the alcoholic in your life...it is unhealthy...the sooner you create a healthy life of your own the better.
From there, you can choose when and how you want to interact with your family....the difference is you will be choosing...you won't be doing it from a place of guilt...you won't be forced...you may find that you can't deal with them in a healthy way...some go no-contact and some interact with the alcoholic in a way that they choose. A common fear is that you HAVE to go no-contact....but that is a misconception, in my opinion.
Keep coming back to SR...keep posting and asking questions...another great section of SR is the ACOA section for children of alcoholics....check it out...I post both, here and in acoa....look forward to seeing you around.....take care!
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Check out this thread if alanon interests you...I think it is a great introduction to what alanon is about....thank you to Catspajamas for posting it!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome Ginseng! Great advice above! Glad that you found us 
I grew up with divorced parents that actually were all 4 A's and I have 3 A brothers and one brother that was a drug addict.
My father was a Doctor and very known in his field....so I can relate some to what your saying!
Al-Anon and Counseling helped me to come to terms in my life with myself-and why I did the things I did-to create a chaotic life for me. Today I avoid chaos because I have learned how to take care of myself.
Give Al-Anon a try..it is worth it! I wish you the best
I grew up with divorced parents that actually were all 4 A's and I have 3 A brothers and one brother that was a drug addict.
My father was a Doctor and very known in his field....so I can relate some to what your saying!
Al-Anon and Counseling helped me to come to terms in my life with myself-and why I did the things I did-to create a chaotic life for me. Today I avoid chaos because I have learned how to take care of myself.
Give Al-Anon a try..it is worth it! I wish you the best
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