sketscher

A recurrent theme in my life is bad relationships. I give men way too much space in my head for sure. when I first meet a potential love interest they often immediately like me, they see all the things that I know to be true about myself, that I'm self sufficient, honest, funny, down to earth, not bad looking and very artistic etc. Then somehow, if i begin to sense the man is maybe not moving fast enough, i begin to doubt all those things about myself, I start to pressure the guy. I lose my confidence easily and thus scare the guy off quickly. Or end up with a guy that feeds on this weakness (ie XABF) in me and he takes all that he can get, my nurturing, my money, and uses my body, to be blunt, til he tires of me.

i repeat this pattern over and over.

Currently, as i have stated in another thread, I have a friendship with a man that started off as being very promising. we talked at length about how much we had in common, factual things like art and appreciation for nature and cars etc, and what kind of future we both wanted even before we met. He told me he had already told a friend he thought he had found a girlfriend. He was excited to meet me. And when we finally did it felt really right. I didn't sense any lack of interest on his part. But four days later he came out with this story about how he's been suffering from a chronic condition which at times hasn't been so bad but lately has flared up. Bottom line he can't have an intimate relationship right now, but began taking some medication that he feels is slowly helping. Meanwhile he has avoided seeing me. And my reaction was to begin questioning, why can't we have a simple date, a movie, a walk in a park? It doesn't have to lead to intimacy! His rebuttal is two things, how can it not when we've already discussed that being an option and two he's in too much pain to want to hang out with anyone (though he still manages to go to work...and last night he went to a movie audition of all things to be an extra). I have another friend who insists he's setting me up to be an f-buddy.


So I don't know how much of the blame lies with me? Is he just a liar? Another user (in sober man' body, which is almost scarier)? regardless of the answer I know I need help, therapy to help me stop this pattern. I have some deep seeded confidence issues and depression I think.

One thing I never seem to learn is to "expect the best and get it"

i currently feel like a doormat.

So last night, though it was a little passive to do it this way, I wrote him an e-mail saying "let go to dinner tomorrow, laugh and eat. Any steakhouse you choose" I have yet to hear from him, it's noon. I have decided to do what I should be doing anyway, going on with my life without him, doing things that i wish to do with another by myself i suppose, like taking walks.

It's scary to think I may be involved with another manipulator, though I hate to kill that spirit in me that believes in love and goodness in another, that hopes he could still be the one, and that he could somehow see I'm something he shouldn't let go of.

Freedom1990

Oh how I can relate to your post!

When I left my abusive, psychotic, addict/alcoholic husband in 1986, little did I know I would repeat the same pattern over and over, only with slightly different guys, yet those who were still emotionally unavailable, and often emotionally abusive.

It wasn't until 10 years ago that I began to realize that the common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me, and I finally saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and my granddaughter's eyes when the ex-fiance walked out and left us high and dry.

That's when I got serious about working on my codependency issues.

It's not been easy, it's been painful at times, but for the most part it has been an incredible journey filled with discovery and joy.

I finally got to the point a couple of years ago that I dared to actually date.

One fellow was an AA member from another town who frequented our meetings here (I'm also in AA). He was sober 2 years, and a decent fellow. I enjoyed the couple of times we went out to eat and see a movie, but I also realized there was the absence of clinging to him and hooking my reality off of him like I had always done in the past.

I was so grateful to see the progress I had made with myself!

Unfortunately he ended up relapsing, quit coming to meetings, and although he called a couple of times, we no longer had anything in common. The grieving that I did go through was for a fellow AA member who had gone back out there, not as a potential companion for me.

The other fellow turned out to be one of those guys where we went to eat pizza, and 45 minutes later I realized I hadn't gotten a word in edge-wise the entire time and it was all about him and his problems. HE was the clingy one, and now I can't stand that!

Needless to say that had no appeal for me and I told him I just wasn't into the 'relationship' thing, especially after he told a friend in front of me I was his new 'girlfriend'!

I'm content to not be involved or dating at this point. I am comfortable in my own skin. A relationship isn't even on my radar at this time, but at least I know I have had a lot of growth in my recovery, and no longer hinge my reality on a man

I hope this helps in some small way :ghug

cmc

Hi,
I hope these are helpful for you:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood is a good resource and I haven't read the one by Dr. Leman but he's a very gifted teacher/speaker.
Pleasers: Why Women Don't Have to Make Everyone Happy to Be Happy
by Kevin Leman (Paperback)

Miss Pink

sounds like his chronic condition is a wife.

Cant you see the red flags?

lexusgirl

Hi sketcher,

I too can relate to your post. I feel all my life I have attracted the wrong guys. My son's father is an A as well as abusive. We haven't been together since my son was born which has been over ten years ago.

I have meet so many screwed up men along the way. Maybe I attract them due to my issues. I am currently in counseling, have been for over a year. A lot of my choices are due to issues with my father as a child. The Father in a women's life growing up sometimes sets the stage as to what type of men we chose as partners. I'm getting there very slowly, but this thing with my abf tells me I have so much more work to do on my own.

Have you tried counseling?

To me, sounds like this guy is commitment-phobic.

Be gentle on yourself, it's not your fault...you sound like a great person:ghug

Freedom1990

I just wanted to add that we can't truly be happy with others until we are happy with ourselves

Otherwise, we still hook our reality off of 'them'.

denny57

First things, first: "I am beautiful." Repeat daily until it comes naturally. :ghug3

Fast enough for what, sketscher?

This is a very good sign, in my opinion. You began questioning. What I had to work on was not to then start doubting my questioning. Because my gut was telling me what I needed to know.

I think you have your answer. Therapy helped me enormously.

I don't have to kill that spirit in me to realize I can't mold someone else into the fantasy. I can see you are SOMEONE (not something) he shouldn't let go of - but he may be doing you a favor.

Good luck sketscher - I truly think therapy can help. You are worth it.

sketscher

this made me well up in tears. thank you

cmc

jmho...I think those tears flow because you know what denny said is wise & true:
"You are worth it." We all are.
You know, sketcher...once I just barely 'began' to realize my worth as a person, my life became so much better. I'm still a work in progress but I never want to turn back to the way I used to feel about myself. I had absolutely NO good reason either to not be positive about 'me' it was just how I evolved and responded to life that got me to that place.
I wish you all the best!

Freedom1990

That is an overwhelming feeling when we finally realize that!

What is that saying? 'God don't make no junk'

What an incredible blessing to realize I didn't have to settle for less than what I truly deserved.

Thanks for the reminder, cmc :ghug2

gns

Sketcher, I am so loving your posts because they are so helpful and exactly what I have been thinking about, too.

Same scenario - met a guy went out for 2 months - he was all into me and I thought there was something "special" - he said the same things too and then all of a sudden up and gone!

I don't know about you but I make excuses - maybe he really DOES have family issues etc, etc. Your previous post reminded me - who cares - he is still not meeting my needs and I have a right to expect that whatever his issues may be.

What do you think happens to us? I think I will post that as a separate question, too.

sketscher

you know I'd wonder that too except that before last night we've spent every night talking on the phone for 2 to 3, even 6 hours. I've also called him during the day, it's a land line and I've left messages. But I suppose it is possible that he does have someone else in his life not living with him.The more time passes the more I think something ain't right. Especially today. I'm getting angry. It's disheartening. It's sad. It's confusing. I just want a simple life and someone amazing to share it with. Every failed relationship just seems to chip away a little more at my soul. At least this one didn't progress to any physical level, making it easier to disconnect.

sketscher

in another thread I wrote "time to cut bait". it's a line I remember a guy giving me while I broke it off with him. i remember actually respecting him for having that attitude. I have a really hard time doing that myself, I try to hang on, reel in every fish i guess. Not even considering that some fish should be throwbacks. ... and some are indeed bottom feeders, some predators, some are prey, some swim in schools, some swim against the current.

pretty cool analogy.

fluffyflea

Sketscher,

He's full of crap...........

Again........RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN AND RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ngaire

weetwo

Quit selling yourself short. I've been reading your posts and while I am new on this board I sm not new to living. Don't short yourself on who you are, the men in your life are what you want right now but will that be what you want in ten years? Probably not. He sounds like just what you are looking for...unavailable. Maye you need to make yourself unavailable. Find out who you are and what you are on your own.
Much love
A

Spiritual Seeker

Sorry to hear about your disappointment. The emotional drain of Serial relationships can be tough. He isn't the one for you. Sometimes when a promising relationship doesn't work out we feel the sadness of all the ones that didn't.
You'll snap back to being okay without him. He is not enough for you !!!!!