Feeling guilty - advice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1
Feeling guilty - advice?
Hi, this is my first post and I'm looking for some feedback on a recent situation.
Background: my dad has been an alcoholic for at least the last 12 years. He and my mom had a messy divorce about 9 years ago. Long story short, he didn't handle it very well. In addition to the inappropriate things that he did/said to her, he has also managed to alienate himself from myself and the rest of my siblings to the point where none of us have contact with him with the exception of an occassional email. There was a short time period where he was sober but lately his actions have gotten worse. Like most, he won't take responsibility for his actions and blames everyone else around him for his situation. (example: he was arrested for domestic assault where he was charged with hitting his 19 year old step son. He claims that he was "set up").
Current problem: I'm in my late 20s and am getting married soon. After much discussion I decided with the rest of the family that my dad probably couldn't handle the wedding. We just don't trust him to not make a scene and my brothers have said that they don't feel like they can be in the same room as him.
I feel incredibly guilty over this decision, even though I know that it is the right decision. I don't like hurting him, but I really don't feel like he is emotionally responsible enough to put his differences aside for a day.
Can anyone give some words of advice on how to deal with this?
Background: my dad has been an alcoholic for at least the last 12 years. He and my mom had a messy divorce about 9 years ago. Long story short, he didn't handle it very well. In addition to the inappropriate things that he did/said to her, he has also managed to alienate himself from myself and the rest of my siblings to the point where none of us have contact with him with the exception of an occassional email. There was a short time period where he was sober but lately his actions have gotten worse. Like most, he won't take responsibility for his actions and blames everyone else around him for his situation. (example: he was arrested for domestic assault where he was charged with hitting his 19 year old step son. He claims that he was "set up").
Current problem: I'm in my late 20s and am getting married soon. After much discussion I decided with the rest of the family that my dad probably couldn't handle the wedding. We just don't trust him to not make a scene and my brothers have said that they don't feel like they can be in the same room as him.
I feel incredibly guilty over this decision, even though I know that it is the right decision. I don't like hurting him, but I really don't feel like he is emotionally responsible enough to put his differences aside for a day.
Can anyone give some words of advice on how to deal with this?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Do you want him there? If the answer is no, that's the end of the story. Its your wedding, your day. Think of it as one of the many consequences for him of his choices. There is absolutley no reason whatsoever for you to feel guilty for acting in your own best interest.
Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding if I thought they might cause a scene or otherwise ruin things.
Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding if I thought they might cause a scene or otherwise ruin things.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hi Frustrated,
Sorry about your situation.
My father was an alcoholic, and my parents divorced when I was 10. My father never helped support his children, my mom raised myself and siblings on her own.
I had great resentment/anger towards my Dad starting from the age of 10.
I got married when I was 27, and I chose to have my Dad walk me down the aisle. I did it for him. He was so proud to be there on my wedding day, I could see it in his eyes. None of my friends had ever met my Dad.
I was embarrased by his appearance/behavior (as I had been my entire life). Don't know if anyone else was.
But I did not let it ruin my wedding day.
To this day, I am so glad he was present on my special day, and if I had to do it over, I would want him to be there.
For me, this is the man that helped create me, he is my father and he has a disease.
Hope this helps you....
Shivaya
Sorry about your situation.
My father was an alcoholic, and my parents divorced when I was 10. My father never helped support his children, my mom raised myself and siblings on her own.
I had great resentment/anger towards my Dad starting from the age of 10.
I got married when I was 27, and I chose to have my Dad walk me down the aisle. I did it for him. He was so proud to be there on my wedding day, I could see it in his eyes. None of my friends had ever met my Dad.
I was embarrased by his appearance/behavior (as I had been my entire life). Don't know if anyone else was.
But I did not let it ruin my wedding day.
To this day, I am so glad he was present on my special day, and if I had to do it over, I would want him to be there.
For me, this is the man that helped create me, he is my father and he has a disease.
Hope this helps you....
Shivaya
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
If its truly how you felt then you did the right thing frustrated.
By making the decision you did, it shows that you accept him as he is.
That's a very healthy thing because you're not expecting things from him that he cannot give. Even if there is the remote chance that he would be okay just this one time, he's apparently displayed that you cannot trust in what his behavior will be. That's a consequence that his actions and choices created.
Much love to you and may your day be extra special!!
By making the decision you did, it shows that you accept him as he is.
That's a very healthy thing because you're not expecting things from him that he cannot give. Even if there is the remote chance that he would be okay just this one time, he's apparently displayed that you cannot trust in what his behavior will be. That's a consequence that his actions and choices created.
Much love to you and may your day be extra special!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If your brothers are a part of your life and you have relationships with them that are important to you then it is important to honor them if they don't want to be with your dad.
His appearance will also make your mother uncomfortable and she is prob. an important person in your life.
My step-dad became a drunk. I gave him the option to sober up or get out of the home he shared with my mother. He has been sober for 17 mos. now.
You might offer your dad the choice to get into a recovery program and be sober for the time between now and the wedding if he wants to participate.
I went to a wedding last yr. where the bride had her mother and step-dad walk down the isle with her and give her away. Lots of brides break with tradition these days.
Your wedding day is stressful enough without worrying about your dad and everyone's feelings and reactions to him. This is not the day to resolve yrs. and yrs. of resentments.
His appearance will also make your mother uncomfortable and she is prob. an important person in your life.
My step-dad became a drunk. I gave him the option to sober up or get out of the home he shared with my mother. He has been sober for 17 mos. now.
You might offer your dad the choice to get into a recovery program and be sober for the time between now and the wedding if he wants to participate.
I went to a wedding last yr. where the bride had her mother and step-dad walk down the isle with her and give her away. Lots of brides break with tradition these days.
Your wedding day is stressful enough without worrying about your dad and everyone's feelings and reactions to him. This is not the day to resolve yrs. and yrs. of resentments.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Gentle hugs to you while you wrestle with this difficult decision. Guilt does not create a good decision making environment. It is your special day.....if you try to please everyone, you will be miserable. Simply put--that's not right.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
It sounds as if your family has weighed in on how they feel about your dad being at your wedding, and they're in agreement. Ultimately, the decision lies with you. I've known people to act up and carry on at weddings who weren't A's - they had just consumed too much alcohol at the reception.
That being said, I can only offer my own opinion ... I would want my wedding day to be as stress-free as possible. My mother did not come to my wedding after she made it clear six month's prior to the day that I had to choose between her or my dad being there. My dad was fine, as was my stepmother, with my mom attending my wedding. They were going to be civil.
In my case, I chose my dad and left mom to sit at home. My mother wasn't an A, but she was mentally ill. I felt sad about having to make a choice, but I decided I didn't need a loose canon on my deck.
That being said, I can only offer my own opinion ... I would want my wedding day to be as stress-free as possible. My mother did not come to my wedding after she made it clear six month's prior to the day that I had to choose between her or my dad being there. My dad was fine, as was my stepmother, with my mom attending my wedding. They were going to be civil.
In my case, I chose my dad and left mom to sit at home. My mother wasn't an A, but she was mentally ill. I felt sad about having to make a choice, but I decided I didn't need a loose canon on my deck.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
frustrated: My husband and I got married two years ago and at the time debated allowing him mom to attend the wedding because of her drinking. We eventually did allow her to come, however we had a plan in place in the event that something happened. In all honesty it meant a lot to my husband to have her there, however there weren't anyone else in his family whose feelings we had to consider. (I hope this sentence makes sense, it's been a long day!!) You have a tough decision to make, and one that only you can make.
As old-fashioned as it sounds, sometimes the best thing to do is make a pro con list and see how it turns out.
Good luck and please keep us posted!
As old-fashioned as it sounds, sometimes the best thing to do is make a pro con list and see how it turns out.
Good luck and please keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 20
Oh, sweetie, please do not feel guilty for not wanting your dad at your wedding. It is your special day and you deserve to have a day that does not include the chaos and unpredictability of having him there, your brothers feeling so uncomfortable, and you never know what they are going to do when they get to drinking. It is even okay if you tell him all of the above, the real reasons, or it's fine if you just don't invite him. Hell, he does not deserve the priviledge, he is not fully present in your life, except for an occasional e-mail. You have not a thing to feel guilty about. In my opinion, you should feel more guilty if you choose to invite him and he ruins the day for all involved. Daddy is what daddy does, and it sounds like yours, at this time, chooses to drink, so let him be. The only exception for me would be if he gets sober and joins AA many months before the wedding and makes amends to everyone he has hurt wherever it is possible. Then, and only then would I even consider it. Have a beautiful day, and know that so many of us understand the way you feel and truly know that you have made the most loving decision for all involved, and most importantly you.
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