Loreena

I kicked out my alcoholic husband a few weeks ago, he is still actively drinking, he lives in a motel down the street. I am loosing my home and my good credit now as a result of my enabling this man for all these years and putting up with endless crap. Now that he is gone, I'm making plans for myself that are very positive and am getting support but you all here are my support system as well and I need help.

This man lost his license for life and works close to where I work (about 25 miles from where we live now). He wants me to continue to give him rides. I am enraged with this man and being in the same car with him makes me crazy crazy. he does give me his paycheck still and I feel obligated to drive him. I am almost thinking I hope he will loose his job soon because I have told him I don't want to see him anymore or be near him. He doesn't have any friends or family left - I'm the last one (I'm sure you will all pick up on this codendent issue) and I don't want to be near him anymore. he will loose the job if I don't drive him.

Tell me what you think, from your gut. this is a big risk to ask and get the truth but I want it and need it. I feel so helpless still because of him. I am also very angry at him because we bought this house together but it's in my name and I'm the one getting the bad deal here, he just left and would eat out of garbage cans now if he had to. I think he must be nearing wet brain, for sure. God this is awful. 17 years, the last 7 pure hell for me. I take this very seriously folks.

L

denny57

I'd stop taking his paycheck and discontinue the rides.

That's just me.

Good luck - sounds like you're not very happy with the current situation.

Barbara52

Are the rides worth the paycheck?

It wouldn't be for me but only you can decide if it is for you.

AnotherAnais

Loreena, have you considered taking in a roommate to help with the mortgage? Selling the house and moving closer to your job? RENTING the house to someone else and moving closer to your job? Those are all steps that remove any need for his paycheck.

Kindeyes

There are always options. A few good ones have been suggested by AnotherAnais!!! He's an adult. He has choices to make. HE can move closer to his work. That's another option. He's living in a motel.....that sounds temporary to me and very easy to move. It's not your responsibility to help him keep his job--it's his responsibility.

Unfortunately, the alcoholic is going to look for the easy answer and the answer that keeps you engaged is perfect for HIM. But is it perfect for YOU?

gentle hugs

AnotherAnais

I completely missed the part about HIM being in a motel! And if he says that motels in work city are more expensive ... point out the price of gas.

DetachMe9

Loreena: He gives you his entire paycheck? How did you work this arrangement? Maybe that's beside the point anyway.

Sounds like the main concern is that stopping the ride will stop the job which will stop the paycheck coming to you. Can you make the mortgage any other way, without his financial help?

Also, getting him to actually leave the house sounds like a far greater feat than deciding to not stop to pick him up anymore. You just keep on driving past that motel in the morning....

I've come to understand how quickly my AH is able to find ways to do things that were supposedly impossible without my help, once I refused to do them anymore. Maybe just experiment by saying 'no'.

You are doing great, and you certainly don't deserve to live with "crazy crazy" one more day. Take care of yourself.

Load Warrior

Remove the fact that he's your husband. Would you give a ride to someone you hated? Probably not.

He needs a ride to work or he will lose his job (and he'll probably lose his job eventually anyway). I don't see 'Loreena' anywhere in that statement. Thus, it's his problem not yours. I think he's using the ride/paycheck to stay near you. What is he hoping will happen?

Just curious... if you get his paycheck, how is he paying for the hotel?

Loreena

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your responses, I get such mixed wonderful remarks from you all and I can feel the geniuine concern in each message. thank
you again.

about the paycheck thing..it gets direct deposited in my account, I still pay all the bills (enabling). that is the way we've done it for 17 years, he's been out for a few weeks but has so much guilt for what he's done and is afraid the rides will stop so he just keeps it going into the account. (I am assuming that is what he is feeling, the guy is near wet brain and cannot think)

I've done everything I can to keep this house but even with a roomate I'd still be short - the mortgage is very high, he makes good money and I make kinda good money. I've accepted the house is gone.

I'm trying to save now for moving expenses and since he contributes and can't stay in that hotel very much longer he needs to find a place as well. I'm trying to juggle all this and still stay sane.

SO my plan is I guess to just stop the direct deposit and give him his check and his bills and make him totally responsible for his life and do it quickly. (sounds easier than it will be)

Someone remarked about him loosing his job soon anyway and you are correct, that will be next and soon. I won't have to drive him anymore....

I don't know, I think we are both so riddled with guilt about stuff, if i didn't get him to work, I'd feel like I was getting revenge towards him or something.

I'm not without compassion for him as I am a fellow alcoholic myself, not havng had a drink in 21 years I have a hard time identifying with his behavior and once I knew booze was screwing up my life - I sought help. NOTHING
makes him seek help himself, it's been me all along bailing him out. I realize that now. What a rude awakening this disease is...

I know this rollercoaster is going to stop soon enough, I felt very panicky this morning and I know I came to the right place by asking help from you all.

thanks for the encouragement.

I'll keep you posted,

L

Barbara52

I'd leave the direct deposit as it is. Its his responsibility to change it if he wants to.

Loreena

Barbara, he doesn't do anything for himself, including that so you are right, why should I. I have told him to go ahead and take off the direct deposit.

moving ahead.

now about the ride thing.....

tryingtofly

Loreena -you don't owe him anything, so if you feel that you don't want to give him rides, and it's making things harder on you, then I would stop giving him rides.
Good Luck!

:ghug3

SHERRYL

Loreena,
He can take a cab or carpool with someone or who the hell cares, you are only responsible for you, finally. One thing I learned the hard way,is that I am never the only option for anyone, EVER. You have a responsibilty to yourself, to take care of yourself and to get yourself well, because you have allowed yourself, as we all have, to go through hell. Only you can end this for good, and you are not responsible for what happens to him when you do. Crazy people will make us crazy EVERYTIME. If we alway did what we've always done, we will always get what we always got. I would rather rent out a room in my house, get a second job, ANYTHING to be free of that sick feeling everytime that you choose to be in his company, take care of you, you deserve better than him making you crazy. The only worse than being around an alcoholic that has caused you so much pain for 17 years, is choosing to be around him for another minute. I pray that you make the decision to be free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!