low self esteem
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
low self esteem
Is it possible to receive treatment for low self esteem? I mean seriously, can a person really change? And who does one go to for such treatment? I mean specifically.
I've been struggling with low self image for as long as I can remember. From a small girl feeling shy and outcast and picked on, to a teenager with a weight problem, to a grown woman getting into relationships with addicted men who were verbally abusive. I binge myself mainly on food but alcohol and cigarettes at times too. And of course every painful memory of every relationship bubbles up when I begin a new one destroying what little chance it had.
Currently I'm talking to a man that I like very much and who I thought I could make a future with but due to an illness of his we haven't spent much time together. He finally pointed out what I guess was obvious, that I take his avoidance of face to face meetings personal. In fact i take much of what he says personal. Something I do always, it's a kneejerk reaction to my perceived negative events and i suppose expectations of negative events. I don't know if I've ruined a good friendship now, by getting to this point, him being honest with me, but I guess there is just no hiding your true colors. He pegged me as having low confidence, he also said out with it...it's not a crime you know".
I really don't know how much of this relates to having been in relationships with Alcoholics. I do know that they contributed to the painful memory dept. And the expectations that every relationship is sooner or later doomed in my mind at times. yet i do have hope. i do very much want to love someone and be healthy. I think I need an extra kick to get me into counseling. Its a subject I've brought up before and I keep avoiding it. then the next crying spell happens and I'm right back to wondering if it's the best thing afterall.
I pray for God's help and guidance on this matter. maybe he'll help me pick a kind counselor. Maybe he'll give whomever reads this some inspiring words to give to me.
thanks
I've been struggling with low self image for as long as I can remember. From a small girl feeling shy and outcast and picked on, to a teenager with a weight problem, to a grown woman getting into relationships with addicted men who were verbally abusive. I binge myself mainly on food but alcohol and cigarettes at times too. And of course every painful memory of every relationship bubbles up when I begin a new one destroying what little chance it had.
Currently I'm talking to a man that I like very much and who I thought I could make a future with but due to an illness of his we haven't spent much time together. He finally pointed out what I guess was obvious, that I take his avoidance of face to face meetings personal. In fact i take much of what he says personal. Something I do always, it's a kneejerk reaction to my perceived negative events and i suppose expectations of negative events. I don't know if I've ruined a good friendship now, by getting to this point, him being honest with me, but I guess there is just no hiding your true colors. He pegged me as having low confidence, he also said out with it...it's not a crime you know".
I really don't know how much of this relates to having been in relationships with Alcoholics. I do know that they contributed to the painful memory dept. And the expectations that every relationship is sooner or later doomed in my mind at times. yet i do have hope. i do very much want to love someone and be healthy. I think I need an extra kick to get me into counseling. Its a subject I've brought up before and I keep avoiding it. then the next crying spell happens and I'm right back to wondering if it's the best thing afterall.
I pray for God's help and guidance on this matter. maybe he'll help me pick a kind counselor. Maybe he'll give whomever reads this some inspiring words to give to me.
thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Yes you can improve your self esteem! I think individual therapy is one of hte best approaches because low self esteem often has deep roots that require a professional's help to work through. It can be done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 38
Hi, First take heart....no one is born with healthy self esteem, it is something we aquire as we grow and face lifes challenges. I agree you should seek counseling as a place to begin. I am of the opinion that ANYTHING is possible if it is what you want to do. I think of myself as having "died" and being reborn since realizing how shallow my life had been for over 20 years. Now I can be whatever "I" want to be. And in truth we can do this every day! Every day is a new choice for you to make about how to live it, how to view yourself and others. There are many good books that can help you learn and grow. There are endless websites with information. If you look I think what YOU need will come to you. You have asked the question and the universe will begin to answer it for you if you let it. Maryanne
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Defiantly there is therapy for low self esteem.
I find that I have thoughts about myself that say I am no good or ugly.
The other day I had a passport photo taken and the photographer commented on how good it looked. I started to argue with her on that but after having spent a lot of time shooting down negative remarks about myself to myself I could clearly hear the negative coming up in me and I decided not to give it credence and to let this person say sweet things with out challenging them. You know what she is right the photo does look pretty good.
Anyway I think learning to like oneself is very important to finding good self esteem. I do not need anyone to agree with me or be with me for me to be happy.
I find that I have thoughts about myself that say I am no good or ugly.
The other day I had a passport photo taken and the photographer commented on how good it looked. I started to argue with her on that but after having spent a lot of time shooting down negative remarks about myself to myself I could clearly hear the negative coming up in me and I decided not to give it credence and to let this person say sweet things with out challenging them. You know what she is right the photo does look pretty good.
Anyway I think learning to like oneself is very important to finding good self esteem. I do not need anyone to agree with me or be with me for me to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Hi there. I've been working on my self esteem for a number of years. I do it with books. I started a long time ago with 'I Ain't Much Baby, But I'm All I've Got.' There are a number of excellent self help books available if you enjoy reading. I really like Dr. Wayne Dyer also. Worked for me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hey there!
Here is a website you can go to to find a good therapist. Find a Psychologist, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Counselor for In Office or Online Counseling on Find-a-Psychologist.com
My therapist is on it and she's great! An approach that worked for me is what she does. I get lots of "homework" each week.
Be patient with yourself! It's a slow process, but totally worth it!
Here is a website you can go to to find a good therapist. Find a Psychologist, Therapist, Psychiatrist, Counselor for In Office or Online Counseling on Find-a-Psychologist.com
My therapist is on it and she's great! An approach that worked for me is what she does. I get lots of "homework" each week.
Be patient with yourself! It's a slow process, but totally worth it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Sketscher - Your feelings really hit close to home for me. I was very overweight as a child; and have battled and addiction to food my entire life. Being fat and being picked on and made fun of by my family (brother, sister, cousins) and most all of the kids at school really did a number on my self-esteem. I also have used alcohol to loosen up and overcome my shyness; and hoping it would make me feel better about myself. Thankfully I eventually realized that it did not. I am much better now, and not exactly sure how I got here. I don't live where I grew up anymore, so most people don't know that I was "the fat kid"; so I am not always dealing with that ghost. I never really had therapy to deal with it. It has only been through years of accomplishing a variety of goals that I think I actually believe I can do what I set out to do. After a few successes I don't automatically start telling myself "I'm not good/smart/pretty enough to do that."
A lot of these success came after I discussed some scenario and the reason I couldn't do it with someone, and that someone would ask me "why not?" Then I would have to think of an answer, and couldn't. So, I would try to do it -- and I would succeed. For example, I wanted to go back to school to get my degree. I was talking to a coworker about how I wanted to but I couldn't -- they said "why not". Everytime I came up with a reason I couldn't they showed me how it was just an excuse.
Long story -- but what I want to ask you is -- what is one thing you want to do that you think you can't do -- and why not????
A lot of these success came after I discussed some scenario and the reason I couldn't do it with someone, and that someone would ask me "why not?" Then I would have to think of an answer, and couldn't. So, I would try to do it -- and I would succeed. For example, I wanted to go back to school to get my degree. I was talking to a coworker about how I wanted to but I couldn't -- they said "why not". Everytime I came up with a reason I couldn't they showed me how it was just an excuse.
Long story -- but what I want to ask you is -- what is one thing you want to do that you think you can't do -- and why not????
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Sketcher,
Let's say you know someone who you would describe as very talented, witty, pretty, genuine, easy to talk to, life of the party, takes care of herself, pays the bills, well respected on the job, had plenty of friends, people liked her instantly. Would you think she had an issue with low self-esteem?
Absolutely not, and she probably doesn't.
So why does she end up in relationships with unavailable men, addicted men, alcoholics, people who use her up? Why doesn't she find herself a nice "normal" man who will enjoy all the great things about her and treat her well? Why do the people around her scratch their heads and wonder why this wonderful woman gets involved with men who don't treat her right.
Because she suffers from a wrongly-placed sense of low self-worth. She doesn't feel like she fits in, although she fits in just fine. Where that sabotaging sense of low self-worth comes from could be different for everyone. For me, it was from my alcoholic father.
I'm just beginning to understand the difference between low self-esteem and low self-worth. I know that i'm that woman I described above but I do not feel like I fit in, have trouble accepting compliments, feel that the aforementioned nice "normal" guys are out of my league although none of that should be.
It is part of my codependency issue. It stems from being raised by a man who was abusive. I never give myself enough credit and that's a shame. I compare myself to others and judge myself harshly.
Actually, its through this board and al-anon meetings that i've learned to like myself and why I should. I've also learned that I was lied to as a child and none of what my father suffered was my fault.
Therefore i'm bringing up that level of self-worth and it spills over into my choices in who I date, who I have friendships with, getting my needs met, etc.
I hope this sheds even a glimmer of light for you because it was really the element that began to clear up the fog for me in my perception of myself.
Much love!
Let's say you know someone who you would describe as very talented, witty, pretty, genuine, easy to talk to, life of the party, takes care of herself, pays the bills, well respected on the job, had plenty of friends, people liked her instantly. Would you think she had an issue with low self-esteem?
Absolutely not, and she probably doesn't.
So why does she end up in relationships with unavailable men, addicted men, alcoholics, people who use her up? Why doesn't she find herself a nice "normal" man who will enjoy all the great things about her and treat her well? Why do the people around her scratch their heads and wonder why this wonderful woman gets involved with men who don't treat her right.
Because she suffers from a wrongly-placed sense of low self-worth. She doesn't feel like she fits in, although she fits in just fine. Where that sabotaging sense of low self-worth comes from could be different for everyone. For me, it was from my alcoholic father.
I'm just beginning to understand the difference between low self-esteem and low self-worth. I know that i'm that woman I described above but I do not feel like I fit in, have trouble accepting compliments, feel that the aforementioned nice "normal" guys are out of my league although none of that should be.
It is part of my codependency issue. It stems from being raised by a man who was abusive. I never give myself enough credit and that's a shame. I compare myself to others and judge myself harshly.
Actually, its through this board and al-anon meetings that i've learned to like myself and why I should. I've also learned that I was lied to as a child and none of what my father suffered was my fault.
Therefore i'm bringing up that level of self-worth and it spills over into my choices in who I date, who I have friendships with, getting my needs met, etc.
I hope this sheds even a glimmer of light for you because it was really the element that began to clear up the fog for me in my perception of myself.
Much love!
Last edited by appleblaster; 03-05-2008 at 08:32 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
There is a wonderful line in the Desiderata:
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Our self image is often formulated as a result of comparing ourselves to others. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Counseling gave me the validation that I was ok.
gentle hugs
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Our self image is often formulated as a result of comparing ourselves to others. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Counseling gave me the validation that I was ok.
gentle hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
I hadn't looked at the replies to this since the other day when I wrote it.
I've kinda realized that I am finally desperate enough and also brave enough to face what I fear most.
I think I may truly be depressed. And I think I am brave enough to finally treat that as anyone should any ailment.
I had a friend point out that the man I am talkin with may be grooming me to be his victim and the fact that I can't confront him directly on this and get to the bottom of his intentions just illustrates even more that I'm suffering badly from lack of self worth.
I fear confrontation, I fear asking for what i want will result in losing the only thing we have together.I'm talkign of my so called "friendship/potential intimate" relationship with this guy I'm talking to.
I've kinda realized that I am finally desperate enough and also brave enough to face what I fear most.
I think I may truly be depressed. And I think I am brave enough to finally treat that as anyone should any ailment.
I had a friend point out that the man I am talkin with may be grooming me to be his victim and the fact that I can't confront him directly on this and get to the bottom of his intentions just illustrates even more that I'm suffering badly from lack of self worth.
I fear confrontation, I fear asking for what i want will result in losing the only thing we have together.I'm talkign of my so called "friendship/potential intimate" relationship with this guy I'm talking to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Barbara52 
Yes you can improve your self esteem! I think individual therapy is one of hte best approaches because low self esteem often has deep roots that require a professional's help to work through. It can be done.
You might want to start out with a book like Melody Beattie's 'Codependent No More' because we tend to base our reality on the reactions/non-reactions of those around us.
Wishing you well!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Just jumping on KJSchrader's wagon and spreading the love for you, Sketcher! His words were sweet and pure, weren't they? Made me feel all lovey inside for mankind
I didn't feel too confident after years of living with an alcoholic and all its shame and anguish. The total sinking of typical codependent-style had me feeling almost "broken." My strength came in little bits, with attitude and actions pushing me along. I remembered how to laugh again and be just a little assertive in how I was going to now live in my own house and who I was going to surround myself with. I forced myself to go places when invited, eventually figuring out what I enjoyed and didn't enjoy in this "new" life. I chose not to date as I was still detaching from my previous years and struggling with those letting-go fears.
Sometimes a girl has to be a little sassy, a little self-righteous even, along with that compassion and empathy. It's hard to do when your thoughts are focused on another person all the time. It's also not very healing or confidence-building to dwell on someone else when you truly want to better yourself. I know I like myself more when I'm laughing and just a little bit cocky with my friends and family. With them, I have nothing to lose and can get that unconditional love I so need as a codependent. My true self is given the strength to re-emerge and shine, and I really do feel better about myself.
To keep my mind better occupied, I have to catch myself when I start worrying about someone else's behavior. I find as many spoil-me-I'm-a-girl kinds of things to fill my free time (and my mind!). Hopefully, I find a reason to laugh outloud every day. Even a sob-fest alone with a sappy girlie movie is relaxing and cleansing, and truly opens your heart a bit again. At first it's really hard and you think it sounds silly and won't work, but in time your life actually revolves totally around you.
Make time in your life for the new guy if you want it, Sketcher. But don't give him so much time in your head yet. And don't forget to heal yourself along the way. I think it's really important that you first have a life that you enjoy, that allows you to be self-indulgent and kind to yourself everyday. Maybe you have an occasional bad day, but most days I think are supposed to be good at the end of the day, not worrisome. A lot of women have to nest a little first when they get out of a relationship or a marriage. Creating my own safe haven is the kindest act I did for myself. It also empowered me and gave me great self-confidence. I needed to feel secure first in life before I could let my hair down, let go of anxiety and worry, and feel whole and healed again. Why not put some of that energy into a positive action rather than a mental worry?
I didn't feel too confident after years of living with an alcoholic and all its shame and anguish. The total sinking of typical codependent-style had me feeling almost "broken." My strength came in little bits, with attitude and actions pushing me along. I remembered how to laugh again and be just a little assertive in how I was going to now live in my own house and who I was going to surround myself with. I forced myself to go places when invited, eventually figuring out what I enjoyed and didn't enjoy in this "new" life. I chose not to date as I was still detaching from my previous years and struggling with those letting-go fears.
Sometimes a girl has to be a little sassy, a little self-righteous even, along with that compassion and empathy. It's hard to do when your thoughts are focused on another person all the time. It's also not very healing or confidence-building to dwell on someone else when you truly want to better yourself. I know I like myself more when I'm laughing and just a little bit cocky with my friends and family. With them, I have nothing to lose and can get that unconditional love I so need as a codependent. My true self is given the strength to re-emerge and shine, and I really do feel better about myself.
To keep my mind better occupied, I have to catch myself when I start worrying about someone else's behavior. I find as many spoil-me-I'm-a-girl kinds of things to fill my free time (and my mind!). Hopefully, I find a reason to laugh outloud every day. Even a sob-fest alone with a sappy girlie movie is relaxing and cleansing, and truly opens your heart a bit again. At first it's really hard and you think it sounds silly and won't work, but in time your life actually revolves totally around you.
Make time in your life for the new guy if you want it, Sketcher. But don't give him so much time in your head yet. And don't forget to heal yourself along the way. I think it's really important that you first have a life that you enjoy, that allows you to be self-indulgent and kind to yourself everyday. Maybe you have an occasional bad day, but most days I think are supposed to be good at the end of the day, not worrisome. A lot of women have to nest a little first when they get out of a relationship or a marriage. Creating my own safe haven is the kindest act I did for myself. It also empowered me and gave me great self-confidence. I needed to feel secure first in life before I could let my hair down, let go of anxiety and worry, and feel whole and healed again. Why not put some of that energy into a positive action rather than a mental worry?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Wow S,
That really hit home about not confronting because of fear! Being afraid to ask for what you want!
P.S. For me "building self-esteem" hasn't worked as much as tearing down the negative images thought i had of myself from childhood.
That really hit home about not confronting because of fear! Being afraid to ask for what you want!
P.S. For me "building self-esteem" hasn't worked as much as tearing down the negative images thought i had of myself from childhood.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Sketscher,
First off what I've learnt and come to believe in recovery is that we need to have an intimate / friendship relationship with ourselves before we can have that with another. I realize that (and this is coming from someone with extreme self-esteem issues) I have to love myself and be a friend to myself first.
Don't worry there is hope for us.
Ngaire
First off what I've learnt and come to believe in recovery is that we need to have an intimate / friendship relationship with ourselves before we can have that with another. I realize that (and this is coming from someone with extreme self-esteem issues) I have to love myself and be a friend to myself first.
Don't worry there is hope for us.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by sketscher
I hadn't looked at the replies to this since the other day when I wrote it.
I've kinda realized that I am finally desperate enough and also brave enough to face what I fear most.
I think I may truly be depressed. And I think I am brave enough to finally treat that as anyone should any ailment.
I had a friend point out that the man I am talkin with may be grooming me to be his victim and the fact that I can't confront him directly on this and get to the bottom of his intentions just illustrates even more that I'm suffering badly from lack of self worth.
I fear confrontation, I fear asking for what i want will result in losing the only thing we have together.I'm talkign of my so called "friendship/potential intimate" relationship with this guy I'm talking to.
I've kinda realized that I am finally desperate enough and also brave enough to face what I fear most.
I think I may truly be depressed. And I think I am brave enough to finally treat that as anyone should any ailment.
I had a friend point out that the man I am talkin with may be grooming me to be his victim and the fact that I can't confront him directly on this and get to the bottom of his intentions just illustrates even more that I'm suffering badly from lack of self worth.
I fear confrontation, I fear asking for what i want will result in losing the only thing we have together.I'm talkign of my so called "friendship/potential intimate" relationship with this guy I'm talking to.
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