Today I stood up for myself
 

3 weeks ago recovering abf says he wants some space, then he gets cold nasty my hurt and pain seems irrelevant to him. Its like I never knew him
I think he's gone back to his ex. I am hurt lonely, frightened and broken hearted. I act out, I ask for time to talk and understand. I get blown off each time - told basically its not important to him.

we work in the same place. he walked out of my office yesterday mad because yet again I tried to get an answer. Yes stupid me, I felt small dumb and weak. (he could never find time to talk outside work so what was I left with). i went home, I thought about it and realized I had hit bottom.
I realized I just couldnt do it anymore. No matter how many times I asked for some time to discuss there was never time, I was being clearly told I was not a priority and my feelings were, well my feelings and not relevant to him. I suppose that's when I realized I had to stop fooling myself and really make a stand for me.

So I sent him a message
1. I didn't need to talk anymore with him, because I had all the information I needed.

2. Any communication was to be strictly for professional reasons.

no response back, not surprising.

I felt better all day, I had finally set a boundary. I didnt think I had the strength or dignity to do it yesterday.
I hope that this will help in the days to come.
I am so sad, and there are moments of peace.
Today I stood up for myself
Today I didn't want to act the same way as I had always done
Today I said that I didn't want any further contact from him
Today I felt me for the first time in a while.
Today was scary
Today is another day
Tomorrow is another day

How did other continue on this path? How did you handle the not so good days?

V

{hugs} You took a great big step forward! Good for you!

vrb,

These first days will be hard. But I am so proud to read your words. You are doing what you need to do to divest yourself of someone who really doesn't seem to give a damn about you. You're better off alone than with someone like that, but you knew that.

You just have to struggle through these days, as it WILL get easier day by day. Keep busy, eat right, get good sleep (take melatonin if you have to; it's natural) get fresh air. Take tender care of yourself, as though you were getting over being really sick. You are.

It's hard to have to work with someone that's blown you off. Do you have to stay there? Is this an opportunity to find something even better?

Hugs to you -- you're doing the right thing.

GL

Unfortunately, I'm realizing that we had our role as enabler. When we were in that role, the alcoholic 'needed' us. All of us want to be needed, but we also want to be wanted, and cared about and loved for who WE are. I think we end up confusing this 'need' for love, companionship and all sorts of other things. I guess all cases are different, but I believe that some A's don't want us to be around in the recovery stages, because we were part of the alcoholic phase. We are not 'needed' any longer during the recovery stage, and we can take this to mean anything we want, but ultimately if you feel he loved you along with his 'love' of the drink - they were a package. The sad thing is when he realizes that he didn't love the drink, he may realize that he didn't love the enabler either.

It is absolutely the best thing for you not to try or hope to be a part of this recovery. You're too dangerous for him, because you represent that time in his life, and he's too dangerous for you, because you could end up right back where you never wanted to be in the first place. I think no contact is the safest way to go.

When you feel sad and your heart feels broken, please remember that this is your chance to get healthy and feel good again. The sooner you put the idea of a reconciliation behind you, the better you're going to feel every single day. I'm not even there yet, but I know this in my heart. If it feels right - it IS right :)

By having faith that everything would work out.

By changing my thinking - a bad day would not turn into a bad week, month, year. It was just that, a bad day.

By not acting on the bad day by doing something "stupid" to try and feel better. I went with the flow of the bad day.

I attended Al Anon meetings, took a walk, went to the movies, called a friend.

Good luck!

wow. you guys are so strong!!!!!!! i'm so inspired!

thank you for sharing your miracles of independence and hope.

one day at a time.

EX abf has been in recovery for 3 years. I thought he'd made big steps
he seemed OK and he wasnt drinking when were going out (last 9 months)

Its 5.30am in the morning and its tomorrow. I had a bad and sad dream about him. God this hurts.

Today I have to face another day
Today I will do it again and face the coldness and be strong.
Yesterday seems so long ago.
I need a hug

((((vrb)))

:Val004:

All I do is look at today. Today is all I have to get through. It's a new perspective for me, but it seems to help.

Keep at it.

:hug: VRB great job with taking that step forward! "Progress not perfection"

Sending you blessings...

:ghug3
Good for you, Vrb for putting you first....one day at a time....
Blessings..

((( vrb )))

thanks everyone. Its just plain hard today
but I have stayed away from him all day.
thanks again


V

(((((((((((vrb)))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting...
I am realizing too, that as long as I get through today I'll be ok.

Stay strong! I know its hard....

VRB...so sorry it's hard. just want you to know there are people who are thinking about you..

(((vrb))) It will happen, the hard days will get fewer and fewer. I know it's sometimes hard to believe it, but it's true. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

:ghug3

"How did other continue on this path? How did you handle the not so good days?"

Some suggestions that helped me a LOT!!
Implement the 24 hour rule. Anytime you're dying to contact him, give yourself a full 24 hours before you do anything about it. Chances are, you're suffering in another area and grasping something familiar (the ex) seems to be just what you need to make you feel better. You may be feeling empty but contacting your ex won't help. Each time I changed my mind within the 24 hours and I did not contact him.

So while you're implementing the 24 hour rule, ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). More than likely you are one or a combination of those and much like the alcoholic you are triggered into your sick behavior.

These worked wonders for me while I was going through those first few weeks. One day at a time. That always brings it into perspective for me.

:Val004: