MrsFox

So it's been about two weeks since I have talked with my mom. Some days I feel like I can't deal with her for one more minute, but then other I feel like she is my mother. I don't know how long she'll be here and the question I have asked my self lately is, would I like peace now and have to deal with things after she passes like the could of should of would of's, or do I deal with her and all the crap that comes along and have peace after knowing that I did all that I could and stayed with her. I have tried the whole I don't care if you drink or not just don't bring it around and don't call me on your days. But she never listens. My husband says I'm not strong enough to cut her out. And thought he may be right, he doesnt understand he had a normal childhood with two great parents that for the most part were great role models. Wow can you imagine a childhood like that? It's almost like a movie to me who really lives like that. But it's nice to see it kind of gies me something to follow if you will on how to raise my children. I know really I am strong enough I have done it before, we didnt speak for almost a year and then I finally broke down. But its not been easy since. That year she missed my wedding and all the planning and parties, and a birth of one of my children. She loves bringing that up on her "days". But I tell her it's not my fault I told you it's the alcohol or me and well you can figure what the outcome was of that...so really it doesnt just hurt her it hurts me too so I just don't know....I know I need to go to alanon but honestly I'm afraid. I know there's nothing to be afraid of but its hard ya know. It's much easier to come on here and type away and read other postings. I guess baby steps. Well thank you for letting me vent again You are all the best!

Barbara52

If you've gone 2 weeks and feel better for it, why change?

Sure you don't know how long she'll be on earth. Ya know what? You don't know how long you'll be on earth either. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Is your life better without her and the associated drama in your life?

shadowwood

I haven't spoken with my mother since the middle of December, and I had a really weak moment tonight on the ride home from work.

I actually feel sorry for her up to a point, but when I imagine myself trying to talk to her, I start to imagine how our conversation might go. And I literally get sick to my stomach when I think about the excuses, the backpeddling and the lies that I will have to listen to (and that I have heard so many times before.) I just don't think I'm up for that right now.

I love her but I can't say I really miss her all that much. I sure DON'T miss the constant drama that went on between her and my AB.

Growing

I relate MrsFox...I felt the same way before I went to alanon. You are right about babysteps...Way to go!...but you may also feel some days that something just isn't quite right...have you tried journaling? If you don't feel ready to try alanon yet...how about the stickies and maybe reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? I know, for me, it helped if I felt like I was taken some concrete action...no matter how large or small....posting here on SR is a great thing to do! Just my thoughts...