So hard to make real friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
So hard to make real friends
All my life I've been drawn to people with problems. I don't always see it at first, but gradually it begins to dawn on me that my new 'friend' only calls when she needs something, or ihas a drama and needs to vent etc. then I'll hear nothing for ages. It's always all about them and I feel exhausted after spending time with them. This has just happened to me again recently and I genuinely didnt see it coming! I'm really disappointed in myself.
I know I'm codependent - married to an RAH - but I find it so hard to make friends and I get so lonely. I would love to have a group of girlfriends. Started off with two new girlfriends at the beginning of the year and neither are turning out well.
One I have supported thru various dramas and now that she's ok, she's stopped calling. The other I feel is using me for ideas - she's a colleague and very ambitious. Didnt see that coming either. Guess I'm just born naive.
So anyone lonely and looking for a loyal online friend - I'm here!
I know I'm codependent - married to an RAH - but I find it so hard to make friends and I get so lonely. I would love to have a group of girlfriends. Started off with two new girlfriends at the beginning of the year and neither are turning out well.
One I have supported thru various dramas and now that she's ok, she's stopped calling. The other I feel is using me for ideas - she's a colleague and very ambitious. Didnt see that coming either. Guess I'm just born naive.
So anyone lonely and looking for a loyal online friend - I'm here!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
Oh I know exactly what you mean. My problem is, I end a bad relationship and get so lonely after that, that I walk right into another one!
About this time last year an unhealthy friendship ended, and I basically replaced it with another. And I was sooo thrilled at the time! Finally a friend that I can count on!
hahahahahahahahahaha
Do things that you like, with people who like the same thing, and keep your eyes open. And keep posting!
About this time last year an unhealthy friendship ended, and I basically replaced it with another. And I was sooo thrilled at the time! Finally a friend that I can count on!
hahahahahahahahahaha
Do things that you like, with people who like the same thing, and keep your eyes open. And keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Sophia honey, it sounds like you're the one looking for a 'loyal online friend' sometimes they're the best kind, good to chat to if it works both ways.
Friends in real life, in my experience anyway, just seem to happen, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't.
I find it difficult to 'go out and make friends' but I put that down to being a single parent and working silly shifts, although whenever I can I follow my interests and go to social events that interest me, at least I have something in common with the people there, and I have developed a few friendships from that.
If you want an online friend, I think my msn addy is on my profile, if it isn't PM if you like, I can chat for England :ghug3:
Friends in real life, in my experience anyway, just seem to happen, sometimes you click, sometimes you don't.
I find it difficult to 'go out and make friends' but I put that down to being a single parent and working silly shifts, although whenever I can I follow my interests and go to social events that interest me, at least I have something in common with the people there, and I have developed a few friendships from that.
If you want an online friend, I think my msn addy is on my profile, if it isn't PM if you like, I can chat for England :ghug3:
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Sophia ((())) you have a friend in me xx I did this all the time, but now just before i jump in and take over i have this little voice in my head that says "slow down and think what you are doing". I have read "codependant no more" so many times i thought i'd practice and it works!! for example a work collegue was hinting for me to do something that was not in my remit, before i would have said "Oh ok then" and then i would have gotten angry with myself and her because i really didnt want to do it. Instead i said "no, sorry im not really comfortable doing this" Ahha it was so easy I was happy with myself and held no resentment to anyone.
Dont rely on anyone to make you happy Soph, you can do that yourself sod em all.
Mair xx
Dont rely on anyone to make you happy Soph, you can do that yourself sod em all.
Mair xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Perhaps changing where you look to make/find new friends would help. Although a chance meeting with a person anywhere can result in a friendship, I have a feeling that meeting someone in a place that indiciates the person shares my values or interests would be a good starting point.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
I'm in the same boat Sophia...I go to alanon and acoa and keep my heart open for friends there.
I just cleared out the toxic relationships...so now I have a foundation to build real friendships from there...
Let us know how it goes...thanks for this thread! I have found a few friends here at SR!
I just cleared out the toxic relationships...so now I have a foundation to build real friendships from there...
Let us know how it goes...thanks for this thread! I have found a few friends here at SR!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Thoughts on friendship
I'm a drunk, so I don't usually visit this forum. However, quality friendships are very important. I have a small accountability group with 3 other guys, we start our meeting by reading the following passage, I hope this is helpful:
One of God's most precious gifts to us are friends who encourage us and lovingly challenge us to "keep going" and growing.
According to Scripture, a friend is one who challenges you to become all that God intends. The mark of true friends is that their friendship draws you closer to God. They "sharpen" you and motivate you to do what is right. True friends tell you the truth and even risk hurting your feelings because they love you and have your best interests at heart (Proverbs 27:6).
Be careful in your choice of friends! Choose your closest friends wisely. Do not look for perfect friends, but friends whose hearts are set to follow God. It is equally important to examine the kind of friend YOU are to others. As a friend, it is your duty to put the needs of others first (Proverbs 17:17).
Strive to find godly friends who will challenge you to become the person God desires. When you have found them, be receptive to the way God uses them to help you become spiritually mature. Strive also to be the kind of friend that helps others become more godly.
One of God's most precious gifts to us are friends who encourage us and lovingly challenge us to "keep going" and growing.
According to Scripture, a friend is one who challenges you to become all that God intends. The mark of true friends is that their friendship draws you closer to God. They "sharpen" you and motivate you to do what is right. True friends tell you the truth and even risk hurting your feelings because they love you and have your best interests at heart (Proverbs 27:6).
Be careful in your choice of friends! Choose your closest friends wisely. Do not look for perfect friends, but friends whose hearts are set to follow God. It is equally important to examine the kind of friend YOU are to others. As a friend, it is your duty to put the needs of others first (Proverbs 17:17).
Strive to find godly friends who will challenge you to become the person God desires. When you have found them, be receptive to the way God uses them to help you become spiritually mature. Strive also to be the kind of friend that helps others become more godly.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Hi Sophia,
I too have jumped into one bad relationship, into a toxic friendship and back again
I find it hard to make good and loyal friends. My abf makes fun of me for this, by saying "at lease I have friends." Ya if u call his drunk and druggie friends, "friends"
Hang in there and maybe just wait for the right type of friends to come along...they will in time.
I too have jumped into one bad relationship, into a toxic friendship and back again
I find it hard to make good and loyal friends. My abf makes fun of me for this, by saying "at lease I have friends." Ya if u call his drunk and druggie friends, "friends"
Hang in there and maybe just wait for the right type of friends to come along...they will in time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I remember reading once on this board to make a list of everything you want in a relationship. All the qualities you want in a partner. Then set about to become that person. Of course, the post was about romantic relationships, but I believe it applies to friendships as well. If you want happy, fulfilled, healthy people in your life, you must first become happy, fulfilled and healthy yourself. Birds of a feather flock together. The best way to attract the kind of people into your life that you want to be with is to become the kind of person you want to be with. 
L
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Wow, just seeing all the replies you went to the trouble of writing makes me feel better, and gives me much food for thought.
I think LaTeeDa's challenge is the hardest one-to become a happy, fulfilled person who will attract others like that into your life. Right now, while I am working on it, it seems like climbing Everest. But i suppose that a best-case scenario and something to aspire to, rather than 'you won't attract these kind of people everif you're not like that yourself.
I'd like to think the right kind of friends will come along in time...but I'm 50 years of age and I've been making the same mistake for a looong time. It sure has to stop.
I did think by getting involved in things I am interested in I would find friends, in this case animal rescue, but that was the 'drama queen' friend. I thought I had made a connections as we had similar values, cames from the same home town, but I guess people are just people no matter what activity it is.
RobbB - my problem is exactly cos I 'put the needs of others first'. My friendships are never equal, neither is my marriage.
Time to read meloday Beattie again, I think.
I did make a great friend on here, but she moved far away and our contact has shrunk by a combination of different time zones and busy lives. I miss her like mad. I would count her as my only friend as I have none in real life.
So LucyA, I'd love to pm you, if that's ok and you dont think I'm waay too old?? maybe you too, Mair?
And anyone else who feels lonely or isolated - I always find time to reply .
Thanks so much to everyone - oh, and I've always been tols I'm a good listener, Cindi R! It's my downfall!!!
:ghug
I think LaTeeDa's challenge is the hardest one-to become a happy, fulfilled person who will attract others like that into your life. Right now, while I am working on it, it seems like climbing Everest. But i suppose that a best-case scenario and something to aspire to, rather than 'you won't attract these kind of people everif you're not like that yourself.
I'd like to think the right kind of friends will come along in time...but I'm 50 years of age and I've been making the same mistake for a looong time. It sure has to stop.
I did think by getting involved in things I am interested in I would find friends, in this case animal rescue, but that was the 'drama queen' friend. I thought I had made a connections as we had similar values, cames from the same home town, but I guess people are just people no matter what activity it is.
RobbB - my problem is exactly cos I 'put the needs of others first'. My friendships are never equal, neither is my marriage.
Time to read meloday Beattie again, I think.
I did make a great friend on here, but she moved far away and our contact has shrunk by a combination of different time zones and busy lives. I miss her like mad. I would count her as my only friend as I have none in real life.
So LucyA, I'd love to pm you, if that's ok and you dont think I'm waay too old??
maybe you too, Mair?And anyone else who feels lonely or isolated - I always find time to reply .
Thanks so much to everyone - oh, and I've always been tols I'm a good listener, Cindi R! It's my downfall!!!
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Sophia57 
I'm 50 years of age and I've been making the same mistake for a looong time. It sure has to stop.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: A great big world, with lots of places to run to
Posts: 63
Sophia, I read a book years and years ago that made my life sooooo much happier and healthier I wrote the author a thank you note. It's a little Martha Stewartish, but it really helped me. It's called Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach.
If you make yourself happy, people will surround you like moths to a flame.
If you make yourself happy, people will surround you like moths to a flame.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Sophia57,
You put in words exactly how I feel, and my situation is exactly the same. Just recently I have decided to accept that this situation is never going to change. It's OK, but very lonely. PATHETIC!
You put in words exactly how I feel, and my situation is exactly the same. Just recently I have decided to accept that this situation is never going to change. It's OK, but very lonely. PATHETIC!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Another Anais - will look for that book straight away, if only because the author has an Irish surname!!! In Irish!
Wantobefree - we're not pathetic, lonely yes, but we are trying to improve ourselves. And whether it's nature or nurture has us this way, we're not bad people. Feel free to pm me anytime
Wantobefree - we're not pathetic, lonely yes, but we are trying to improve ourselves. And whether it's nature or nurture has us this way, we're not bad people. Feel free to pm me anytime
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Something to contemplate is the difference betwee being on one's own and being lonely. The two do not mean the same thing. The two do not have to go hand in hand. Changing one's attitude about being without a partner can greatly change the quality of one's life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: A great big world, with lots of places to run to
Posts: 63
Wanttobe, Austin is a fun town! With lots of different things to do! Addiction may not change but a good group of friends could be just around the corner any day.
I have to admit, the couple of times I've met people who "don't have any friends," well, first of all, that's a red flag. Don't tell people that! And then, the woman I'm thinking of, EVERY person who worked for her started out golden and turned out to be "a terrible person." Umm ... OK ... I liked her well enough, she wasn't awful, but she did not know how to be a very good friend. And I don't mean a friend to be taken advantage of, and used, I just mean ... when someone goes on and on about how they don't have any friends and everyone's screwed them over ... well it doesn't exactly attract new people. I'm not saying that you or Sophia do this. But go out and do something you LOVE and see if things don't change. If someone asks you what you did over the weekend, don't say, "Oh, nothing, sigh... or just housework, sigh...." Say, "I went to the reservoir to see the wildflowers/art museum to see this new exhibit I read about in the paper/great new coffee shop/NPR bake sale/WHATEVER ... it was AMAZING!"
Wishing you both an amazing friend-filled life.
I have to admit, the couple of times I've met people who "don't have any friends," well, first of all, that's a red flag. Don't tell people that! And then, the woman I'm thinking of, EVERY person who worked for her started out golden and turned out to be "a terrible person." Umm ... OK ... I liked her well enough, she wasn't awful, but she did not know how to be a very good friend. And I don't mean a friend to be taken advantage of, and used, I just mean ... when someone goes on and on about how they don't have any friends and everyone's screwed them over ... well it doesn't exactly attract new people. I'm not saying that you or Sophia do this. But go out and do something you LOVE and see if things don't change. If someone asks you what you did over the weekend, don't say, "Oh, nothing, sigh... or just housework, sigh...." Say, "I went to the reservoir to see the wildflowers/art museum to see this new exhibit I read about in the paper/great new coffee shop/NPR bake sale/WHATEVER ... it was AMAZING!"
Wishing you both an amazing friend-filled life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Sophia57, I was not implying anyone in this forum is pathetic. I am calling my situation pathetic. I am an inately happy person, I just had to arrive at this situation completely on my own, in spite of the people I picked to share life with. And that gets lonely.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
LaTee..... The best way to attract the kind of people into your life that you want to be with is to become the kind of person you want to be with.
Sophia
sorry that you are going through this right now! SR has a lot of friends here and the blessed friends that I truly believe have enhanced and enriched my life! Add yourself to that list!
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