but how?
 

that's exactly how i feel...like i'm walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat and send him back into the bottom of a bottle...but how do i protect my heart from the one man i'm not supposed to HAVE to protect it from who has always had it in the palm of his hand...even when he's at his worst....

I felt that way too. What changed was I started realizing that his addiction turned into me into someone I didn't like (weak, whiney and insecure) so how could I expect for him to like me. He fell in love with a strong, secure, confident woman. That's who I wanted to be again. It's happening...slowly but surely I'm finding that I can still be that woman.

I don't know how...wish I could help you. I think the cold, hard truth that may help you protect yourself the most is that you feel the need to protect yourself from the one who isn't supposed to hurt you. You should never have to feel this way, so the fact that you do is an indication that something needs to change...whether it is you that changes (you are in control of changing you) or him that changes (you cannot control him or make him change). Unfortunately, the only surefire way to protect yourself is to change you. I know this is hard - keep your chin up!!

bewildered, your post made me think about how many feelings of disappointment come with being involved with the A.

it's a hard, sad situation and the only thing we can do is take care of ourselves. i know for me, i do everything in my power (using my HIGHER power) to let go and not accept unacceptable behavior. in my opinion, if i accept this behavior i'm not only harming myself but i'm allowing someone i love to mistreat me. that doesn't help them either.

but just how big a step back i have to take to stay out of the way of the disease is where it gets sticky. do i end the conversation? or do i end the relationship?

i try to stay out of black-and-white thinking. my life was a lot simpler when everything looked black or white to me. now i try to work in the gray areas and that's very uncomfortable, disappointing and sad sometimes. when i get disappointed, i want to run away or reject the person who disappointed me. so i'm learning how to be accepting of the fact that people are human.

to me, disappointment is not abuse. abuse is not acceptable. but until i worked my steps, i didn't know there was a difference. disappointment felt SO devastating to me. i guess i'm doing better now. just for today!

thanks for your post. i think it helped me to write this. i hope it was helpful to someone else to read it.

Welcome to SR. You have found a GREAT place, with folks just like you, who have either been where you are now or are at where you are now.

WHOA Back the truck up here.

You CANNOT send him back to the bottle. No matter what he says, it is HIS CHOICE.

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Not YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Please, please find some Alanon meetings and GO. The folks in Alanon will understand, just as we do here. Going to Alanon locally will give you some 'local' contacts that you will be able to contact at any time, to talk, rant, rave, go for coffee, whatever.

This is NOT your fault!!!!

We don't stop loving our Alkies/Addicts. But we do learn to step back and watch THEIR ACTIONS. By watching the ACTIONS and not listening to the words (Quacking) we can slowly learn to trust again. Alanon helped me greatly with this concept. Also learned how to STOP watching over him and give that job to his Higher Power.

Please keep posting, ranting, raving, crying, laughing etc and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!!!!

Love and hugs,