there's a first time for everything
 

This is my first time here--i stepped into the newcomer's forum...maybe this is where I need to be...my husband is a recovering alcoholic....we've been married for 8 years and have 3 beautiful children...he's just picked up his 90 day chip...i'm so proud of him...alcohol has been the central argument in our relationship for as long as I can remember..he's quit drinking before, but this time he truly seems committed to his sobriety...he's been going to aa for only a week...but seems to be helping...he's not going to the bar...here's the problem...I have no experience in the recovery aspect...only the actual addiction...i don't know what to expect...I truly feel I have been supportive of his sobriety, but i continually get the blame for everything imaginable and then some....I'm at a loss...we argue and bicker all the time it seems like (that's very out of character for us)...I don't know where to turn..there is no alanon group anywhere close to me...everyday into recovery seems like more and more he is returning to the a**hole he was when he drank...the only difference is then he knew he was being an a** and now he doesn't....it took me a very long time to make peace with "that" man...now he is threatening to walk away from me and our kids and i just don't know what to do...i don't know what to say...it seems like no matter what i say or do it's never the right thing...i love him....i have fought for 10 years to be with him...most of which was an uphill battle...i never for a second thought that his recovery would be easy...i guess i just didn't understand the affect it would have on me, on our marriage...i don't know what to do...the funny thing is that i survived the drinking, but now i don't know if i have the strength left to survive the recovery....i could always blame the alcohol before...that made it a lot easier...now i can't

I'm sorry to hear that. I fear that it's a common problem, the very sensitive days of recovery. Went through it with my dad, being afraid that we'd "set him off" and "make him" go back to it. Meanwhile the issues that were there before are still there in a different way during recovery.

Protect your heart above all else. Keep coming here and attend Alanon meetings as much as possible

Welcome, glad you're here!

If you can't attend Al Anon, you can find some of their literature on line. Living with Sobriety is one of their publications.

My friends who have gone through this say it is a very difficult time and process. Keep reaching out here. Do you have friends nearby you can confide in?

Keep posting - you do not have to go through this alone!

but how
 

that is exactly how i feel...like i'm walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat and send him back into the bottom of a bottle....but how do i protect my heart from the one man who i'm not supposed to HAVE to protect it from--who has always had it in the palm of his hand--even when he was at his worst...

Alanon is a great resource but it is not the only way that you can learn about the need for your own recovery. It is said that family members who engage in their own recovery are better support to the RA.

Some sources for you to consider:

Keep coming here.
Read! There are several great books about recovery and codependence.
Counseling.

After ten years of dealing with an active alcoholic, you have been put through the ringer. You have issues that resulted from the relationship too. Most of what you will hear in Alanon, books, and here is that you need to take care of yourself. So much of what is said in Alanon and books about alcoholism is counter intuitive to the co-dependent. It takes a while sometimes to understand it. But once you begin to understand and concentrate on you.........things get better and it makes more sense.

gentle hugs

Another resource who proved invaluable to me - our doctor. Can you make an appointment to discuss your concerns. The stress I suffered was making me ill. She or he may also be able to point you to some support resources; just because Al Anon is not near you doesn't mean there aren't other avenues. Face to face support is so important to me.

((( )))