Kindeyes

I've shared a lot about my A son on this forum but I haven't written about the other A's in my life.

My daughter is a beautiful young woman who is about to graduate from one of the best four year colleges in the state (yea!!!!!!). She started drinking heavily a couple of years ago and I could see a problem developing. I talked with her about it (calmly) and she said she was fine, etc. She started dating a guy (for the last 4-5 months) that is likeable but I was worried that he also drank too much.

A few weeks ago they went to a bar in a neighboring city. They were with several other people and they all got drunk. She wound up sitting on one of the male friend's lap (nothing other than there were no chairs). Her bf sees this and goes nuts. He winds up STEALING HER CAR (which is actually our car as it is registered in our name) and driving to her apartment (he was in a blackout state--his HP must have been watching over him because he didn't get in a wreck). He doesn't have a key to her apartment so he uses a crowbar to try to open the door and destroys the door. The bad thing is..........she works in the apartment complex. The guy winds up asking her boss to let him in her apartment so the boss calls her and she says "Don't let him in." So the guy goes nuts (in front of the boss) and calls her every nasty, foul name you can think of (and probably some others that you wouldn't dream of thinking). So he leaves my daughter stranded in this neighboring town with no transportation (which was probably a good thing in a way). Luckily some of the people they were with lived closeby and offered to let her sleep on the couch. She called me the next morning to come and get her.

She breaks up with him, of course. He checks himself into rehab a few days later and they are back together. She realizes that she was headed down the road to alcoholism. I find out that bf has been through treatment twice before.

BF has written us a couple of letters apologizing for his actions and says that he understands that we are angry and that he has violated our trust.

My daughter and her bf want everything to be peachy now (with husband and I) because he's gone through treatment (for the third time). I feel like screaming at her "run away run away" but I know I can't.

I just don't know if I have room in my life for another alcoholic.

I'm worried about my daughter and her choice of men.

If you've read this far, thanks.......

Barbara52

Oh dear. I'm sure that has to be so hard to watch. {hugs}

minnelson6200

I know life isn't fair, but sometimes something comes along that just makes me want to jump up and down and yell at the world. You've endured so much, as has the rest of your family. Sometimes it just sucks that we have to endure the pain to get the lesson and that the pain our lessons give us often ends up hurting those we love as well.

My prayers are with you and your family.

:praying

Shivaya

Kindeyes, I'm so sorry for your situation. No words of advice, other than remember to take care of yourself, and do something that brings a smile to your face, today.

Shivaya

ANGELINA243

Your daughter sounds alot like me when I was active in my addiction. She needs to "run like H3ll" away from this guy--and FAST! My last boyfriend (who I met in a 12 step program) sounds alot like this dude. The jealuosy to verbally abusing your daughter. Only mine went one step further--which did end our relationship>in a mad (blackout) jealous rage he tried to strangle me to death on the floor of a hotel room while we were out of town. Needless to say, he is in the judicial system now--and I haven't seen him since. I still sometimes miss the fun times we had, but always try to make myself remember how things could be today....for me and my family. The police said I was a lucky girl--they could see his handprints around my neck from across the room. I'm not saying to completely blow this dude off--but he has no business being in a relationship with anyone--until he learns how to keep himself in check. As for your daughter, she may also have some codepency issues--as to why she keeps putting up with him. I had alot of codependency issues--from thinking I could change him to staying in the relationship even after I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but just didn't want to be alone. If he has an alcohol/anger problem--anger management classes along with alcohol classes could benefit him. I know my ex was court ordered to take both--along with a list of other required duties. My heart goes out to you and your family--but your daughter must "see it" for herself. Nobody could tell me anything--I was too stubborn/prideful to listen. I thought my family couldn't possibly understand my situation. Now--I know I should have listened to them--about alot of things.

RosieM

Wow, the chaos this thing creates. Kind Eyes, your words have been so comforting to me but I seem to be floundering about for the right things to say to you. I'm just so sorry. Looking at the family of my ah, I can see the recipe for disaster being brewed up since those kids were little. Here's hoping for some clarity for your daughter. And wishing you peace.

Spiritual Seeker

Your plate is full.
This is truly a family disease.
The best thing we can do is to keep working at marching forward in our own recovery.
Hugs of support to you during this crisis time.

Growing

Kindeyes...my thoughts and prayers are with you as you launch into this process with your daughter...I wanted to say what Rosie and Spiritual Seeker said...I agree.

Big Hugs!!!!

Kindeyes

Thank you all for your kind words. My daughter and I had a nice talk today. Even though she has had her own row with alcohol, she has a good head on her shoulders and is very intelligent. We talked quite openly in our discussion today. She is attending AA and Alanon meetings and says that she is learning a lot about this disease. I have a lot of faith in her ability to straighten her path.

I am very dubious about the boyfriend though. That's going to be a hard one for me to come to terms with. There will always be that fear that he could start drinking again and hurt (or worse) my precious daughter.

Freedom1990

I know it's easier said than done, but try to replace that fear with faith, faith that God has a plan for each and every one of us.

I have a 30 year old alcoholic daughter who has made extremely poor choices in relationships.

I have a daughter almost 20 now who seems to be attracted to the wrong type also.

I have to replace that fear with faith.

My parents thought my second marriage was the worst possible thing to happen, and I understand why now.

He was straight out of his second stint in the penitentiary (armed robbery charges the second time around).

He was a drinker/drugger.

Despite their pleadings, I married him anyway.

That abusive, violent, sick marriage was the catalyst in my own spiral downward in alcoholism/addiction. I finally hit my bottom.

Today I have 17 1/2 years clean and sober.

I did leave him as he never found recovery, but what a gift he gave to me.

He was buried last year at the age of 47, complications from AIDS.

Today I have recovery because of the events that transpired in my life during that marriage.

Sometimes what seems to be the very worst in our minds are really blessings in disguise.

I'll keep your daughter in my prayers.

BohemiMamaof3

(((Kindeyes))) I am glad to hear your dd is getting help. Perhaps he feelings for her bf will wane in time.

Rella927

SSeeker said it well I could not agree more-

Sending prayers to you as you go through this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself....Growing up in an alcoholic home myself and now as I go on my journey through my recovery today I see the chaos many A's can cause to my life growing up. Today I'm learning to detach from those with love and to be gentle with ME and know that today I deserve better.

Kindeyes you have given a lot of Inspiration on these boards and I pray you get that back ten fold

Kindeyes

Freedom - Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are right. So often those things that we think at the time are disasters turn out to be blessings. I needed that gentle reminder.

Rella - big hugs to you! Overall I'm handling things pretty well. I get the load off my back by posting here and I'm able to cope better. Thank goodness for SR, and YOU, and everyone here on this forum. I hope that I am able to give back at least a fraction of the help that I get from the folks here.

Spiritual Seeker

Try and stay in the day. Fear, doubt and worry don't serve us well.