What can I do to help him??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I hate to say it but active addicts don't make friends, they take hostages. As much as you think he has feelings for you, the addiction makes his first priority "using". You may be but a victim, and enabler, the person that can be conned into doing what his parents would no longer do.
Don't take it personally, addicts lie automatically and do anything to continue to use. He has a place to live, eat, shower, and depart from to the bar or liquor store. And did I forget, a driver.
Don't take it personally, addicts lie automatically and do anything to continue to use. He has a place to live, eat, shower, and depart from to the bar or liquor store. And did I forget, a driver.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
As I ready your story, it sort of reminds me of mine, in the beginning. Two months into my relationship with Chris, I was "in love", and he, too, was already showing signs of drinking too much, etc. He was also a "great" person from the beginning. So almost three years later (I decided to stay with him because of loving him, and also him doing good for a while, then back to his ways...they do that...be good for awhile, just to get you back, why else would you stay?)..anyway, almost three years later, every day of my life I think "I should have left when I first saw the signs, it would have been so much easier". So he has been incarerated several times, has verbally abused me, the scars on myself and my son are going to take a long time to heal.
And although you can encourage him, support him, be there for him, only he can be the one to decide to stop drinking. No amount of anything you do will make him want to stop. Personally, I would always think if I lost a little weight, had a cleaner house, cooked a better dinner, etc, he would want to stop drinking and be home more. Nothing was ever enough and then I figured out it had nothing to do with me!!!! But there are many ways for you to enable his drinking.....working to pay all the bills while he is at home......taking him back time and time again after he is showing you that he has a temper. They learn what is acceptable to you by your actions. When I finally got to the point of sticking to my guns/boundaries, Chris was soooo angry, but only because I had such a pattern of allowing him to come back, he really was mad at me for not giving in yet again. Then he REALLY acted out.
And although you can encourage him, support him, be there for him, only he can be the one to decide to stop drinking. No amount of anything you do will make him want to stop. Personally, I would always think if I lost a little weight, had a cleaner house, cooked a better dinner, etc, he would want to stop drinking and be home more. Nothing was ever enough and then I figured out it had nothing to do with me!!!! But there are many ways for you to enable his drinking.....working to pay all the bills while he is at home......taking him back time and time again after he is showing you that he has a temper. They learn what is acceptable to you by your actions. When I finally got to the point of sticking to my guns/boundaries, Chris was soooo angry, but only because I had such a pattern of allowing him to come back, he really was mad at me for not giving in yet again. Then he REALLY acted out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: A great big world, with lots of places to run to
Posts: 63
Imagine this "friend" is a woman, someone you aren't sexually attracted to Someone who treats you EXACTLY as he's treating you. A woman you met two months ago. Would you continue to be "friends" with this woman?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Well as you know last night was the first night with out him here, at first it was really hard to sleep because I have got so use to having someone in the bed with me, and I kept waking up so I didnt get a very good nights sleep. Its only 8am but already it feels so much better without him here, my kids came and kids in bed with me for morning cuddles which I love but something that my boyfriend wouldnt allow. The kids can run around playing with their toys and we dont have to worry about waking him up and him getting pissed off cause they woke him up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
A couple of things I want to add
His also already playing the I dont have anywhere to stay card. He stayed at his dads last night and his told me that last night was the only night he was aloud to stay there. I know its not my problem but I feel guilty and like he has told me many times 'I am a push over' so he knows its going to be hard for me to say no. He still has all of his stuff here as well. But I know I dont want him back I want better for me and my kids, like I said I went through 7 years of hell with my ex so I have been there done that. I am sick of wasting my life on guys who put my down and treat me like crap, I am so so over it. I also dont really have any friends I live in a small town, before I got my boyfriend I only really had 2 friends, they are quite a bit younger than me ones 18 and the others 19. They both cheat on their boys friends which I cant stand. The 19 year old used to live next door but about 3 weeks ago she moved about 5 hours drive away, but I am kind of glad cause shes not a real friend, when I first got my boyfriend she would come over and hit on my boyfriend in front of me, I couldnt believe it. So thats the type of friends I have. The next few weeks are going to be very lonely for me until I get my life back on track. I just hope I dont get lonely enough to allow my boyfriend (well his now my ex) back into my home
His also already playing the I dont have anywhere to stay card. He stayed at his dads last night and his told me that last night was the only night he was aloud to stay there. I know its not my problem but I feel guilty and like he has told me many times 'I am a push over' so he knows its going to be hard for me to say no. He still has all of his stuff here as well. But I know I dont want him back I want better for me and my kids, like I said I went through 7 years of hell with my ex so I have been there done that. I am sick of wasting my life on guys who put my down and treat me like crap, I am so so over it. I also dont really have any friends I live in a small town, before I got my boyfriend I only really had 2 friends, they are quite a bit younger than me ones 18 and the others 19. They both cheat on their boys friends which I cant stand. The 19 year old used to live next door but about 3 weeks ago she moved about 5 hours drive away, but I am kind of glad cause shes not a real friend, when I first got my boyfriend she would come over and hit on my boyfriend in front of me, I couldnt believe it. So thats the type of friends I have. The next few weeks are going to be very lonely for me until I get my life back on track. I just hope I dont get lonely enough to allow my boyfriend (well his now my ex) back into my home
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
The price of your children having the freedom to snuggle in bed with their mom and play without "pissing off" that bum is worth more than all the money on earth.
So he doesn't have a place to stay. He can go to a homeless shelter. Jeesh!
So he doesn't have a place to stay. He can go to a homeless shelter. Jeesh!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by Undertheweather 
The next few weeks are going to be very lonely for me until I get my life back on track. I just hope I dont get lonely enough to allow my boyfriend (well his now my ex) back into my home
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Undertheweather - I found this forum two weeks ago - "How can I help him?" I asked
( I stupidly posted it in the alcoholics section) Well I have come to the conclusion that I just can't. Too many tears and heartbreak have been shed on my part, and each time he says sorry I crumble and take him back because sober - he is a good person.
You say it has been 2 months? I've struggled with him for 5 years - 5 years of my life that I will never get back. I guess it will be an experience. I first had doubts about his drunken behaviour - oh it must be 3 years ago. I stuck with, why? Because I love him and care for him. Now I feel the love is gone yet I still care which is why I spent a great deal of time making excuses for his behaviour. Oh my god if only I listened to my instints years ago I would not have had to go through so much more. You are having doubts now - its been just two months - listen to them please before you get in too deep.
My ex also punched holes in walls. I used to cover them with posters in our old house, anything to protect him. We never had money - that went on his needs. His needs came before mine. I'm 25 and I still need to lend money from my mum for fuel and food. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to keep going to bed alone at night and freezing when I hear his key in the lock - wondering if a row will erupt. I don't want to keep going to work with swollen eyes from crying. I don't want to live my life feeling oh so jealous of those around me that are so happy. I don't want to keep accepting tiny scraps of affection as 'love'
I'm past breaking point. I spent last night howling with tears so bad I thought I was having an asthma attack.
I wrote about it in the alcoholics bit. Basically two weeks ago after smashing my parents front door, I called the police. I stupidly believed after seeing how low and shocked he was for his behaviour that a light switched had flicked on in his head. He stopped drinking for oh let me see - 3 days?
Last night I had enough - I locked him out. He came home at 11pm, drunk and stole my car. He said he'd hidden it till I let him in. I did - just for the quiet - because I was scared of what he'd do. He ended up crashing out in my bed while I stayed downstairs rocking on the kitchen floor crying.
I've gone off topic now with this I'm sorry - I just want to share my experience. Many times I would try to remember the good times, when he turned up with a huge teddy strapped in his car, the times we walked under the stars in the rain.... The thing is - that was all a long time ago. He's a different person - the drink has changed him. I don't think the old him will come back and it is up TO ME TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY.
Underweather - you have two children, look after them and find strength to find someone who will love you as you deserve.
Sorry again for rambling, its just the first post reminded me so much of me.
xxx
( I stupidly posted it in the alcoholics section) Well I have come to the conclusion that I just can't. Too many tears and heartbreak have been shed on my part, and each time he says sorry I crumble and take him back because sober - he is a good person.
You say it has been 2 months? I've struggled with him for 5 years - 5 years of my life that I will never get back. I guess it will be an experience. I first had doubts about his drunken behaviour - oh it must be 3 years ago. I stuck with, why? Because I love him and care for him. Now I feel the love is gone yet I still care which is why I spent a great deal of time making excuses for his behaviour. Oh my god if only I listened to my instints years ago I would not have had to go through so much more. You are having doubts now - its been just two months - listen to them please before you get in too deep.
My ex also punched holes in walls. I used to cover them with posters in our old house, anything to protect him. We never had money - that went on his needs. His needs came before mine. I'm 25 and I still need to lend money from my mum for fuel and food. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to keep going to bed alone at night and freezing when I hear his key in the lock - wondering if a row will erupt. I don't want to keep going to work with swollen eyes from crying. I don't want to live my life feeling oh so jealous of those around me that are so happy. I don't want to keep accepting tiny scraps of affection as 'love'
I'm past breaking point. I spent last night howling with tears so bad I thought I was having an asthma attack.
I wrote about it in the alcoholics bit. Basically two weeks ago after smashing my parents front door, I called the police. I stupidly believed after seeing how low and shocked he was for his behaviour that a light switched had flicked on in his head. He stopped drinking for oh let me see - 3 days?
Last night I had enough - I locked him out. He came home at 11pm, drunk and stole my car. He said he'd hidden it till I let him in. I did - just for the quiet - because I was scared of what he'd do. He ended up crashing out in my bed while I stayed downstairs rocking on the kitchen floor crying.
I've gone off topic now with this I'm sorry - I just want to share my experience. Many times I would try to remember the good times, when he turned up with a huge teddy strapped in his car, the times we walked under the stars in the rain.... The thing is - that was all a long time ago. He's a different person - the drink has changed him. I don't think the old him will come back and it is up TO ME TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY.
Underweather - you have two children, look after them and find strength to find someone who will love you as you deserve.
Sorry again for rambling, its just the first post reminded me so much of me.
xxx
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Put your kids 1st. I must give an opinion since you asked and there are children involved.
This guy should never have come in to your home.
Even if he wasn't an alcoholic, why would you move someone in to live w/ your kids?
You are not an equal mate, you are his option. He is a immature child himself that you have rescued. This an extremely inapprop. choice for you and your children.
I don't understand that you don't know how to get him out.
Be a mature woman and protector of those children.
Your solution is swift and easy.
This guy should never have come in to your home.
Even if he wasn't an alcoholic, why would you move someone in to live w/ your kids?
You are not an equal mate, you are his option. He is a immature child himself that you have rescued. This an extremely inapprop. choice for you and your children.
I don't understand that you don't know how to get him out.
Be a mature woman and protector of those children.
Your solution is swift and easy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: corpus christi, tx
Posts: 211
It dosen't matter how small your town is, you can't be the only mom with 2 kids. Take them to the park and meet other moms, go to church do something that allows you to meet other people. As for him, unless he moved in a housefull of furniture just take his things to his dads for storage and let him figure out where his next meal ticket is coming from. You already have 2 kids you don't need to raise a 21 yr old. It's hard work to raise kids alone, it's even harder when the person you thought would be a help mate is only concerned about themselves. You derserve to have a happy life and happy kids. Stay atrong.
Linda:codiepolice
Linda:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Oxford, MI
Posts: 33
Good for YOU, Undertheweather!! You're being SMART, BRAVE, a GOOD PARENT, INTELLIGENT and downright INDEPENDENT....ALL in one day!! You will have to change your user name to "BrightSunshineonCloud9" pretty soon cause that's how you sound!
Keep focusing on these good things that you are seeing. Especially the smile on your children's faces and the joy in their cuddling. Don't let any man, especially an addict/alcoholic, take that SECURITY away from your children. In just a few months your children can develop a LIFETIME of emotional insecurities and low self-esteem that will cause them to seek out the same kind of losers you have managed to remove from your lives!!
If you feel weak or lonely, hug your kids and come here for a boost, ok?
Keep focusing on these good things that you are seeing. Especially the smile on your children's faces and the joy in their cuddling. Don't let any man, especially an addict/alcoholic, take that SECURITY away from your children. In just a few months your children can develop a LIFETIME of emotional insecurities and low self-esteem that will cause them to seek out the same kind of losers you have managed to remove from your lives!!
If you feel weak or lonely, hug your kids and come here for a boost, ok?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 20
Undertheweather, honey, cut your losses, if not for yourself for those two beautiful children. PLEASE go to alanon, and most importantly counseling to figure out why you are allowing him to live off of you, and abuse you emotionally. There is a reason, I promise you and it will make sense. Please read codependent no more, and keep coming here for support. Girlfriend, in my humble opinion, you are one of the lucky ones, only suffering for 2 months. Let's look at the facts, he has no drivers license, he is an alcoholic, who already knows that when you say it is over that you don't mean it. PLEASE RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN< PLEASE. I was a child that went through all of this, as my mother chose alcholics, the screaming the fighting, my mother not ever being fully present, because she was thinking about what he was gonna do next,etc. It still at 40, affects me today, but if I can help another child not to go through it by sharing my story, than maybe the saying is true, that all suffering is redemptive. If your children could talk when they hear the fighting, they would shout, SHUTUP, and say mama, why are you with this man. I could not speak for myself, but I will speak for them now. Also, they were all sooooooo wonderful in the beginning, that is how they get in. How do you think the children feel when they stop being wonderful? Children have a way of blaming themselves for everything. Please, for the love of yourself and your children,tell him to go. If you really think you love him, date him away from the children. Oh I forgot, he can't take you out, he does not have a job or a drivers license. I am going to pray very hard for God to bless you and wake you up, as you sound like an awesome person who deserves soooooooo much more!!!!!!!!!!! Good Luck
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