Angelus

Putting it simply (though it feels really complicated), I have for some years chosen unhealthy company for fear of being alone. Alcoholics, users, energy vampires. People who I spend time with and then arrive home not really feeling like I was with friends at all.

I need the strength to shrink their presence in my life.

MTBChick

Angelus, I understand and can sympathize with what you are saying. I am sure when I'm not feeling great about myself. I am one of those energy robbing people that you describe. My mom said something to me today that made a lot of sense and that was get out and volunteer. I have no idea if I making any sense today and not really feeling all that great. Getting over having the flu.

Astro

Welcome to SR, Angelus! Ever tried a CoDA meeting? Co-dependents Anonymous

Mair

Hi Angelus welcome to SR, im codependant and would highly recomend reading Codependant No More by melanie Beatty. You are not alone.

Mair xx

Angelus

Thanks everyone...I have read another book by Melody B and this one sounds like a good idea. I attend Alanon but I will look into Coda.


A little more info...I'm feeling like the people I spend time with are just looking for someone to drink with. They don't want to do anything else! And as I do not get drunk I end up being a caretaker/babysitter.

One of them said to me, in a moment of self-awareness "I spend a lot of time with him, I get trashed and he stays sober."

Got me thinking...

katyk

This has been one of my life's themes. Numerous times in my past, I almost got the lesson, but not quite. Now, being married to an A, I think I'm starting to get it now. I wish I could have tested out of this class, but c'est la vie...

tryingtoheal

It's sobering (and depressing) to have several messages in your voicemail stating things like, "Where's my favorite drinking/partying friend been hiding?"

I rec'd a host of these maessages last year after a week of being a hermit sick with the flu...made me wake up, sober up and realize that it is so not cool to be almost 30 and still the ring leader of a band of drinkers at my age. Ouch. After much internal discussion, I made peace with myself by resolving to be less of the Drink Leader and more of the FUN LEADER...without knowing it, I was entering 'Codie Recovery' and now I am quite happy with the fun that comes with or without drinking.

Sometimes, I think we don't have to be so serious about getting sober and doing a 360 degree change in our lives...maybe just a little bit of growing up in our 'party til we drop' attitude can work!

denny57

It does take strength, but I was amazed at just how strong I was once I got going on recovering and rediscovering myself.

There are lots of resources available - have you tried counseling?

Growing

Welcome Angelus!!!Glad to see you...Keep coming back...read the stickies...looking forward to seeing you around.

cmc

Welcome Angelus!
It's nice to meet you.
With some of those former 'friends' of mine I gradually phased them out of my life but there were a few that I needed to stay away from entirely.

AnotherAnais

Hi Angelus, I'm new here myself. The thing you said, about choosing unhealthy people because you fear to be alone ... if you hang out with, well, losers, for a lack of a better word, people who DON'T want to suck your energy will probably not be drawn to hang out with you. And then it becomes a vicious cycle.

I'm blessed with a great group of friends. We have our problems, as all people do, but we are generally positive, happy people. And we avoid people who are ALWAYS in some drama or another, and who never make changes to improve their situation. Volunteering is good. Travel is good, if you have the resources. And just asking yourself, "What do *I* like to do?" and doing it, will probably have a positive effect on your social life.

Angelus

Good point! Funny, one of my problem "friends" uses that 'vicious cycle' term all the time. Its like they're aware of it but unwilling to change. "This is just how I am, don't judge me" I hear that a lot

tryingtoheal

Angelus, the rhetoric of 'this is who I am, deal with it' is an antiquated excuse for admitting one's realization that they are pathetic in some regard and don't want to better that part of themself...usually. At least, in the scope of what you are describing, I see this to be true.

It's a rare and wonderful thing to realize these things about your social circle now, and an even better thing if you choose to do something to alter this 'vicious cycle.' You appear to be on the path to better things...keep discovering yourself and learning boundaries! This site is most helpful in that regard, so stick around and read everything you can!!

Freedom1990

Imagine what a shocker it was for me to have someone point out (in a loving way) that the common denominator in all my failed and unhealthy relationships was me! :rof

It's been a glorious journey in discovering self for several years now. Yes, I do throw my fits, and dig my heels in from time to time, but it's been so worth it.

I care not to engage with emotional vampires anymore!

Angelus

Just to bump and update. I've started to withdraw from certain toxic people emotionally and physically. It's sad and awkward, and I dread hearing from them. Because as I continue to say no and become unavailable, they're going to get the message. I don't quite know how to handle a confrontation and am afraid I may give in and get caught in the trap again

Rella927

Welcome Angel

I love what Freedom stated! I too was shocked that the "common denominator was ME!"

Today I'm on the road of learning new things all the time about myself-it has been a long journey and I have a lot of road left to travel but, it has been worth it to come to another place in my life where I'm happy and peaceful.

Wasting my energy on toxic people today no longer happens....it is not worth my time!

Lots of luck to you and keep posting! Glad you are here-

peaceteach

You'll get there, Angelus. One baby step at a time. It's classic codie behavior to fear confrontation. The best way I handled it when I had to stop the pattern to save myself was I simply stopped answering the phone when they called. Caller I.D. is a miracle!

SHERRYL

Angelus,
Welcome to the boards. Until very recently, I too was drawn to emotional vampires, and as others have said, the common denominator was me. When I finally realized that I chose these same types of people over and over again, and instead of looking at what their drama was doing to my life, I took full and complete responsibility for choosing those types of people. When I finally quit thinking about what they were doing to me and instead looked at what I was allowing, everything changed for me in a very positive way. I realized I would rather be alone, than to be sick with someone else.