New and a little lost...

Old 03-03-2008, 12:10 PM
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New and a little lost...

Hi all. I've been lurking for a few days now and thought I'd finally introduce myself.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. We have a 1YO daughter. Our marriage has not been great the past 6+ months. My husband's career has really stunk the past couple of years and I knew he was pretty depressed about it, though he never wanted to talk. As far as I know, he doesn't confide in anyone. I also knew he was having more than just the casual drink, but I honestly couldn't tally them. He would buy the liquor while I was gone, and so I never knew how long a bottle lasted, until last week. He got a bottle on Monday night and Thursday morning it was on the counter... empty. We discussed it and he agreed two stiff drinks didn't even give him a buzz anymore. He said he wasn't quitting. I asked if he could and he said he didn't know.

I called a friend (she's a counselor - specializes in this stuff) and she agreed he was probably self-medicating depression with alcohol. We weighed the good and the bad and I decided to stay for at least a while, but to have an 'emergency evacuation' plan in place. I know that if/when I leave him, it'll be MUCH harder (if possible at all) for him to recover. I want to give him every chance, but not at my own or our daughter's expense. I'm currently withdrawn/detached from him emotionally right now - due to previous marital problems. I was trying to work on the marriage and become more connected to him, but after reading a bit here, I may distance myself again. It'll be easier to see things and easier to leave with the emotional distance in place.

He's a very happy drunk. In fact, he's so happy, he's annoying. If I'm doing a puzzle, he thinks it's stupid until he's drunk then he wants to help and will stay up all night finishing it. That's why I think it's ok to stay, for a little while at least... because it's not dangerous.

And yet he said he wasn't quitting... I get the sneaking suspicion I'm going to feel REALLY stupid in a few months.

I know everyone here has 'been there, done that', I'd love to hear your advice.
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:18 PM
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His personal recovery is not dependent upon you. It is up to him to seek help for himself--when he is ready. Take care of you and your daughter. It is good that you have an emergency plan in order>should you need it. I don't know if he is an alcoholic or not--but if he continues>he sure does have the potential to become one in the future. I wish you well as you seek answers to your current situation. We at SR will certainly help by sharing our own experiences. God bless! :ghug2
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:27 PM
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Wecome, but I'm sorry for the circumstance. You have taken a great first step by recognizing there is a problem for you and by posting here. Have you read through the stickies at the top of the page? You may want to consider attending some Alanon meetings. Keep posting and coming back.
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Load Warrior View Post
I know that if/when I leave him, it'll be MUCH harder (if possible at all) for him to recover.
Unfortunately, although you believe this to be true, sadly, it is not. He doesn't want to quit drinking, as he has told you. Whether you are there or not does not factor into his drinking equation.

I'd suggest you find local Al-Anon meetings in your area and try a few. One of the fundamentals you will learn is: you did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it; better known as the three C's.

His recovery is his, and his alone. I left my husband and it didn't stop his drinking. I returned and it didn't stop his drinking. I found out that whether I was in the home, away from home, or out of the home ... he continued to drink.

Please take some time to read the stickies at the top of our forum. They contain a wealth of information about the disease of alcoholism. Most of us will also suggest you pick up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It addresses the issues we, as loved ones of addicts, face.
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:29 PM
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Welcome to SR. Alanon is another great resource and I don't know what I would have done without it. I hope you will give it a try.
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Old 03-03-2008, 12:30 PM
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Hi Warrior,

You are in a tough spot but I admire how you are handling it thus far. You know this is his burden to bear, and you want to help but are not willing to sacrifice your happiness or your child's on that altar. Good for you.

I lived for 7 years with an alcoholic who drank to self-medicate for depression, unhappiness, and feelings of low self-worth. I would love to say that I found a magical equation for helping him with these things so that he would be free of his desire to drink, but I have to say I didn't.

Your husband sounds like he internalizes a great deal, and doesn't trust you (or perhaps anyone) enough to discuss his work problems. He also seems to not care a great deal about your feelings on the matter of his drinking. Since you can't help if you're not "in the loop" this puts you in a very bad situation. And if one half of a marriage has decided that the other one's feelings don't matter....you'll want to tread carefully. I take it he's not interested in any kind of counseling either?

If he's choosing a path that leads him to alcohol dependency, that's unfortunate. Are you good at setting boundaries? I'm sure you've read up a bit on these on the forum. What are your boundaries? Does he drink around you and your child? Does he know that his drinking is driving you away, and that you intend to act to protect yourself? Sometimes, being honest about a situation can help you get through it with your integrity and your pride intact.

In my situation, I eventually had to say, "I don't want to live with your alcohol dependency any more. I love you and I am willing to stay and be your support system if you're trying to get help, but I'm not willing to stay if you're not." When he chose not to get help, I was then able to move on with my life with much less guilt and heartache than I would've if I'd not been honest about my feelings. It was still very hard, but it was a "clean pain" of doing the right thing, not dirtied by doubts about whether I did the right thing.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I just wanted to say hello and share my story.

Take care of yourself...
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Old 03-03-2008, 01:07 PM
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Welcome Load Warrior!

I have nothing to add to the great experience the others have shared. Just wanted to say welcome aboard and hope to see you around. Keep coming back...check out the stickies, ect. Glad you are here.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:24 AM
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Thanks for everyone's kind words. I have been reading the stickies... I need to find a meeting in my area during lunch, which there doesn't appear to be one. I noticed there were some online chats on this board, I may be able to do that.

My husband takes care of our daughter during the day while I'm at work. I had asked him not to drink while he's home alone with her. Yesterday, he was in a particularly foul mood. He finished off a bottle of wine before I got home at 5:30. Once I got there he got in the car and left. He returned around 9pm and announced his phone was broken (into pieces - he throws temper tantrums) and he needed a new one.

I'm realizing I'm not good at setting boundaries. I *asked* him not to drink while home alone with the baby - my fault. So, tonight I'll say "If you continue to drink while home alone with the baby, I will confront your behavior and tell you how it scares me and hurts our relationship." How does that sound? If he continues, I'll put her in daycare (which we can't really afford, but I'll find a way). I'm going to put her on some waiting lists today - hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, ya know.

I'm also going to write down the tag number of his car. Even when he 'doesn't feel it' I imagine his blood alcohol is over the limit. I'd sure hate for him to hurt someone.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:28 AM
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If he throws tantrums, be careful - even though he's a happy drunk now, if he's throwing tantrums he could become a violent (or at least not very happy) drunk.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Load Warrior View Post
I'm realizing I'm not good at setting boundaries.
It takes a while to gain skills with setting boundaries. Be patient with yourself. Remember that setting a boundary is for you, not him, and not a means of controlling his behavior. Its setting what you want and do not want your life and what you will do if what you want doesn't take place.

"If you continue to drink while home alone with the baby, I will confront your behavior and tell you how it scares me and hurts our relationship." [/quote]

I might change this to something like this:

I cannot tolerate someone drinking while caring for my child. If you choose to drink while taking care her, I will arrange for daycare outside the home.

One other thing. He broke his phone. He is responsible for replacing or getting it fixed. Not you. And beware that violence can easily morph from inanimate objects to people.
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
they say more shall be revealed, and often the longer we open up about what's REALLY going on, we see there is a whole lot MORE REALLY going on than we allowed ourselves to realize.........
This is so true and is the basis of denial.

I'd suggest reading as much as possible on denial - which is not denying consciously; rather it is a subconscious reaction. From where I stand today I am flabbergasted at the denial I lived in for so long.

Take care.
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Old 03-04-2008, 11:08 AM
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I am aware of the anger thing - thus the evacuation plan.

I should also explain his cycle. Good mood > something bad happens > bad mood/tantrum > drinking/very quite > happy and loaded > falls alseep I know he's got anger problems too, which were improving until the past year.

I'm ignoring his phone. His phone, his problem.

He was never drunk while home alone with the baby, but I could see it easily getting that way. I more begged him not to do it. This was back before I realized he probably has a problem. I know... I'm excusing him. I feel like I've been such a b***h of a wife, so I try to be nice and not make demands... which is exactly what this relationship DOESN'T need. Ugh... I'll learn.

This is really going to suck... the ONE thing he did on a consistent basis that made me happy was take care of the baby. I'm going to be left with someone that does absolutely nothing for me.
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Old 03-04-2008, 11:18 AM
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Hi Warrior,

Welcome!

My ex never hit me, but he would "throw tantrums" like throw a roll of paper towels across the room, or push the rolling coffe table around really hard if he was mad. I paid attention to that and took it as a sign of what could be.

I read "Getting Them Sober" book by Toby Rice Drews and found it very helpful!

Keep posting. There's a lot to learn here!
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Old 03-04-2008, 07:10 PM
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he is driving after a bottle of wine....hopefully he would not consider putting the baby in the car. You cannot guarantee this. Lay down the law and be prepared to follow through for your childs sake. Good luck and welcome.
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:36 AM
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I laid down the law last night. If he drinks while with the baby, she goes into daycare. A friend has agreed to keep her for awhile incase there's a waiting list at the daycares. He's mad and not speaking to me... pouting... like a child. He also went and got a blackberry as his new phone. I'm sure that was $300 we didn't need to spend. I'm also sure he did it just to hurt me - I'm in charge of finances.

He's being a d**k, but I refuse to respond to his 'poor me' routine. I'm starting to feel like I can see my path again.
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Old 03-05-2008, 07:15 AM
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Just wanted to say Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us

Al- Anon has been and is a great source of recovery in my life-

Wishing you the best today and always!
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