Blame vs. Responsibility
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Blame vs. Responsibility
I was working on my "inventory" last night, and a recurrent theme is emerging. I have lots of little asterisks by behaviors that I have noted that remind me I need to "accept responsibility" for my role in certain events in my life. I gave that some more thought and ultimately became confused. I want to accept my responsibility for things I did that have brought about various events in my life. However, I don't want to blame myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me. I want to learn and grow; but don't want to get bogged down with blame and guilt. Have any of you dealt with this, if so; suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
For me blame has negative connotations, especially of avoiding responsibility.
If I place blame, underneath there is often a bit of its not my fault because X.
If I take responsibility, its recognizing that I did/didn't act/speak/whatever because I {something}.
Note that I take responsibility while I place blame.
Does that make sense?
If I place blame, underneath there is often a bit of its not my fault because X.
If I take responsibility, its recognizing that I did/didn't act/speak/whatever because I {something}.
Note that I take responsibility while I place blame.
Does that make sense?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
This is a very important topic. Thank you for the thread. 
To me, blame implies fault. Your fault, my fault, someone's fault. I must be a bad person because I made a mistake. If only I weren't so stupid, etc.
On the other hand, responsibility means that I recognize my mistakes and learn from them. If I knew the consequences of my past choices, I may have made other choices. But, I didn't know. Now I do. I've learned. That's the difference. No bad guy, just experience.
Many times on this board I see people get upset when urged to accept responsibility for their part in the situation. They proclaim loudly "But, it's not my fault!" I think somehow our culture has convinced us that any time something bad happens, someone must be at fault. Bad things sometimes happen and it doesn't have to be anybody's "fault." Taking responsibility is a good thing, a lesson learned. Blaming and beating yourself up is a bad thing and only leads to more pain.
L
To me, blame implies fault. Your fault, my fault, someone's fault. I must be a bad person because I made a mistake. If only I weren't so stupid, etc.
On the other hand, responsibility means that I recognize my mistakes and learn from them. If I knew the consequences of my past choices, I may have made other choices. But, I didn't know. Now I do. I've learned. That's the difference. No bad guy, just experience.
Many times on this board I see people get upset when urged to accept responsibility for their part in the situation. They proclaim loudly "But, it's not my fault!" I think somehow our culture has convinced us that any time something bad happens, someone must be at fault. Bad things sometimes happen and it doesn't have to be anybody's "fault." Taking responsibility is a good thing, a lesson learned. Blaming and beating yourself up is a bad thing and only leads to more pain.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
It is clearing up a little. It seems like what I have always done was either: A) Tell myself that "I was so stupid" to have let "blank" happen. Then be either so embarrassed or ashamed that I LET happen to me that I would never really face it -- try to bury it and move on. OR -- B) Tell myself that it was all somebody else's fault -- "if they hadn't _______, then I wouldn't have _______". Then I could be angry at them because they "messed up" my life.
I am working on getting to the point where I can acknowledge the choices I made and the role they have in my past; forgive myself for making some bad choices; and learn from them and move on. Easier said than done, but I at least now feel like it IS possible!!
I am working on getting to the point where I can acknowledge the choices I made and the role they have in my past; forgive myself for making some bad choices; and learn from them and move on. Easier said than done, but I at least now feel like it IS possible!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
I have chosen to be married to and live with an active A for almost 20 years. There were many times along the way that my "inner voice" said, "this is not right", "I shoud go to an alanon mtg." "I should see a counselor".
For whatever reason(s), I did not listen to my "inner voice" (denial, laziness, not ready to, who knows?).
In 2008, I have finally decided to educate myself so that I can learn what part I have played in this "mess", what I can do to better myself, and what tools I can use so that I do not repeat these behaviours. For me, this includes visiting this site, going to alanon and seeing a therapist.
My AH and I have discussed this. What a shame that we both have neglected our marriage/finances and many other things. I believe he has neglected the above b/c he is an alcoholic (he does not think so). As for me, well, I'm still trying to figure it out (enabler, co-dependant, what else?).
Anyhow, my point is that I am taking responsibility for my actions, and trying to work on how I can be a better person.
My AH has made some changes and "stepped up to the plate" in many areas of our lives. He is not working a program, although he is in the process of finding a counselor. He chose not to drink for an entire week. It was a good week.
I am glad for the progress he is making, and I will continue to support him in this (I don't mean financially as he supports me), BUT, I am ready to leave if/when the drinking starts again. I am very clear on this......
Shivaya
For whatever reason(s), I did not listen to my "inner voice" (denial, laziness, not ready to, who knows?).
In 2008, I have finally decided to educate myself so that I can learn what part I have played in this "mess", what I can do to better myself, and what tools I can use so that I do not repeat these behaviours. For me, this includes visiting this site, going to alanon and seeing a therapist.
My AH and I have discussed this. What a shame that we both have neglected our marriage/finances and many other things. I believe he has neglected the above b/c he is an alcoholic (he does not think so). As for me, well, I'm still trying to figure it out (enabler, co-dependant, what else?).
Anyhow, my point is that I am taking responsibility for my actions, and trying to work on how I can be a better person.
My AH has made some changes and "stepped up to the plate" in many areas of our lives. He is not working a program, although he is in the process of finding a counselor. He chose not to drink for an entire week. It was a good week.
I am glad for the progress he is making, and I will continue to support him in this (I don't mean financially as he supports me), BUT, I am ready to leave if/when the drinking starts again. I am very clear on this......
Shivaya
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
