Sick of it all!

Old 03-02-2008, 04:01 PM
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Angry Sick of it all!

I'm so so sick of this! My abf (exabf) and I are still living together as we share the lease. He may be going to Alaska to work and I cannot afford to move out on my own right now, so trying to live with him is hell.

He went over to his A father's house early yesterday as his A Uncle was in town. He worships his A Uncle like he is some god, although the man is just a drunk and acts like he is 18 when he is in his 50's. He invited me over to a bbq, but I didn't want to be around a bunch of drunks. He said he would be coming home last night, and I text him late and said it would be better if he stayed were he was at due to the fact that I knew he was really drunk.

Just now heard from him now that the party is over, and I told him to stay at his Dad's a few days as he will be all bitc*y and hungover and I don't feel like dealing with his behaviour.

He insisted on coming home saying that it's his house too. I have made my mind up a long time ago to leave this relationship but at this point only in my mind. I have so much anxiety built up waiting for him to return. I have an 8 page report due and I don't need to deal with this crap. He turns this house upside down when he returns home and is mean to me as well as the dogs. There is no peace and he thinks he can just walk in and out of here and use me as his doormat.

I can't do this anymore...I have been looking for a new place but have been turned away due to my credit and that fact that I have two dogs.

How do I handle his drinking and coming in and out of this house like a hurricane hit? I cannot stand to even look at him anymore, he disgusts me.
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:06 PM
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I really don't have much to suggest. You can't control his behavior. You can set boundaries as to what you find acceptable behavior but that requires being willing to take action if those boundaries are not respected. Perhaps if he comes home and you find you cannot take it with him around you have a friend you can go spend the night with? How much longer is th elease? Can you talk to the landlord about making a change? If you must remain in the same space, is there a room where you can isolate yourself and stay away from him and his drama?
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:10 PM
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Thanks Barbara

Yes I have talked to the rental company and they said we can break the lease but one of us is responsible if the other gives their notice. He will re rent from the company and I plan on moving out of the area far away from where I might see him.

I have my room, but the dogs are usually downstairs with him as he lives on the couch, and I feel bad leaving them downstairs with him as he is so bitc*y and yells at them.

Then if he's been drinking he'll come upstairs and try to get into bed with me and says it's his room too. This is so screwed up...
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:14 PM
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As long as you are living together its going to be hard on you. I can't imagine living that way myself. I would double my efforts to find another place. I know its hard with the dogs and all. You may not end up in a great place but perhaps you can find something.
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:24 PM
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Another thing that is difficult for me is trying to detach and not start arguing with him. I know I shouldn't, but I do...I act as ridiculous as he does. I want to be above that, but I'm just so angry.

I have noone to stay with unless I get a motel room but that isn't very doable right now.
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:28 PM
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Perhaps you can practice detaching. You can control whether you react to his madness. Its not easy but it can be done.
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:34 PM
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It's my anger--his snide comments, and dirty looks, calling me "uptight" just get to me. Detaching is very very hard for me and I can't do it...I try but I never keep my promises to myself. I really want to be that confident girl that can back away and have the maturity to do so..but I always fail

I need out of this place...but I can't right now!!

Thank you Barbara (((((()))))))
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by lexusgirl View Post
I can't do it
Sorry to be harsh, but you never will as long as you tell yourself you can't.
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:55 PM
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Wink

thank you both for this thread.

it's so hard what you are dealing with. no one does it perfectly -- especially detachment! especially when the A is trying so hard to pick that fight! and yes, i get hooked and my behavior is so gross -- and i haven't even been drinking.

step one has saved me in every possible circumstance over and over and over and over and over...

i know how difficult it is to find a place that will take a dog or two.

hang in there. when i do my footwork and turn over the results, the universe steps up and gets me what i need.

okay, maybe not what i WANT, but what i need!
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Old 03-02-2008, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by abcdefg View Post
i know how difficult it is to find a place that will take a dog or two.
I found a place that let me bring 4 cats. Laregly because I talked to the leasing agent honestly as to what was going on in my life and why I needed a new place. Its been my experience that people do act kindly given the chance.
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Old 03-02-2008, 05:26 PM
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Hey one sorta good thing happened just now--I got a two day extension on my paper...I am so relieved as I haven't even started it. Have been trying to get my mind focused but it has been difficult.

Just waiting for him to get here and my stomach is in knots
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Old 03-02-2008, 08:14 PM
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He came home all remorseful about leaving me all night. He said he thinks he has started drinking too much lately and that it's becoming a problem, although he doesn't admit that he actually has a problem or is an A.

WTF??
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:25 PM
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Lexusgirl,
When we feel the way that you are feeling, we tend not to see solutions because we are so into thinking about the problem. It is really not possible to really focus effectively on more than one thing, that is just the way we are wired. So, take a deep breadth and let's for a moment look at your real options here. You want out, so that is what you should focus on and taking care of yourself. You could get a part-time job, preferably doing something you enjoy. Maybe even something to do with dogs, dog sitting for people on vacation ( heck, sometimes you even get to house sit, too.), walking other peoples dogs or if you like to drive, I know people that deliver pizzas in the evening and make up to 1500.00 a month, for real. I would rather you break the lease than to see your spirit broken, probably if you explain to the landlord that there is abuse, (and nothing is more abusive than living with an alcoholic), they will understand. Start looking around, start looking away from him and what he is going to do next. Take all of that energy and start looking to your future, you will be amazed, once you make the decision to be free, how God and the universe provide opportunities right in your lap, Most importantly, indecision is what drives people to madness, so make a decision, if you want to be with him or not, you will feel better just being off of the fence. If you decide to stay for the remainder of the lease, then make a committment to yourself to go to alanon so you can have the tools to detach, even if he is still there, it really is possible , you can meets lots of people who are doing it at meetings.Take care, I will be praying for you, keep us posted on how you are doing and keep coming to the boards for support .
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:33 PM
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Thank you Sherryl!!
Today I went to look at a rental. So that was a big step for me. The last few days after reading so much here, I have really tried to remember not to argue with him, not to react to him, it only feeds the disease.

Have been learning to slowly detach each day.
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:51 PM
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Lexusgirl
I am so proud of you for going to look at another rental, now you're taking control, you go girl!!!!!!!!! As for him, very calmly set your boundaries. If you do not want him around you when he is drinking, state this to him very clearly. He can stay downstairs with the dogs, but also be very clear that he cannot bully them and abuse them while they are down there. If he does, then he can go upstairs of go sleep by his dad's, period. If you are calm and matter of fact about it, he will take you much more seriously, this I know for sure. As far as not reacting to him, react to us or journal, or take a walk,ANYTHING, just don't reward the behavior with a reaction to it unless you want more of the same, and I know you don't. Work on your paper, play with the dogs, or if you just can't stand being in the same space as him, go to an alanon meeting, and meet people that totally get what you are going through and can give you some tools to go through it more peacefully until you find your great new place. Also, the awareness you learn at the meetings will help you to not end up with another A and help you to figure out why you were with him in the first place, all things that will help you with a healthy fresh start. It is so clear that you are an awesome person that deserves so much better, go after the good stuff!!!!!!! Keep us posted, we care.
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Old 03-09-2008, 03:28 AM
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LexusGirl,
I know for me it was impossible to completly detach while still living with him. My kids and I would go about our life and he would pick on us,following me around from room to room. We would leave and it would get worse when we came back. His actions got so bad that I called the police on him,several times.Finally they took him to jail and thats when I could make all decisions necessary to get away from him.It has been a year almost and my children and I have finally found peace. On a sad note we did have to get rid of our beloved cats It was hard but I told the kids we will have pets again someday. I feel for you,having to stay in the same house with the madness is so depressing. I myself could no longer do it,I was like a robot for a few months,just doing things that I had to for a better life for us.
Thinking of you:ghug3
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Old 03-09-2008, 08:19 AM
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(((((AWEDA)))))

I feel exactly the way you felt. Lately, because I won't fight or react back to him, he has resorted to picking fights with me and saying I'm his problem, blah blah blah.

He has SO much anger in his life! He resents me a lot as I do him, but everytime I come downstairs, as I have been isolating myself in the bedroom, he gives me dirty looks.

It's difficult....glad you're at peace now!
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