Mom of adult child alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 11
Mom of adult child alcoholic
Hi!
I'm new to this site, and to this forum. I have a son who is 36 yrs. old, lives in another state about 6 hrs. away, and who I love so much! He's been drinking since about the age of maybe 13 and I have much to share. But, I will try not to do an overload.
I'm here for two reasons. First for support, so I can help myself to cope better with this, and second to try to have some kind of a reasonable relationship with my son when he chooses to communicate with me, despite his choices in his life.
My husband is what someone would call a recovered alcoholic, but never once attended AA, because he allowed God to help him in his life. He's been sober for maybe more than 10 years. I believe our son feels betrayed by this decision by his Dad. But, his Dad chose all on his own, just like our son does every single day.
My son is angry and sometimes in conversations the blame game has been played by him and this hurts us much. However, we do believe we understand in part his anger toward us. Another reason I need this, is because other family members have illnesses and between them, and our older son, it is a pretty full plate we have. It's not as bad as it was for us years ago between other family members and our son also, which is why I am able to come here and ask for your support.
So, that is where I am for right now. I just needed to start out this way and hope I am sharing what I should. If not, I know you'll help guide me along the way! So in advance, I say, thank you!!! I look forward to replies which I'll check on tomorrow (3-1-08)!
Thank you again!
MssDgtr7
I'm new to this site, and to this forum. I have a son who is 36 yrs. old, lives in another state about 6 hrs. away, and who I love so much! He's been drinking since about the age of maybe 13 and I have much to share. But, I will try not to do an overload.
I'm here for two reasons. First for support, so I can help myself to cope better with this, and second to try to have some kind of a reasonable relationship with my son when he chooses to communicate with me, despite his choices in his life.
My husband is what someone would call a recovered alcoholic, but never once attended AA, because he allowed God to help him in his life. He's been sober for maybe more than 10 years. I believe our son feels betrayed by this decision by his Dad. But, his Dad chose all on his own, just like our son does every single day.
My son is angry and sometimes in conversations the blame game has been played by him and this hurts us much. However, we do believe we understand in part his anger toward us. Another reason I need this, is because other family members have illnesses and between them, and our older son, it is a pretty full plate we have. It's not as bad as it was for us years ago between other family members and our son also, which is why I am able to come here and ask for your support.
So, that is where I am for right now. I just needed to start out this way and hope I am sharing what I should. If not, I know you'll help guide me along the way! So in advance, I say, thank you!!! I look forward to replies which I'll check on tomorrow (3-1-08)!
Thank you again!
MssDgtr7
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome. You have come to a great place for support. I am also the mother of an adult alcoholic son. There are several people on here who have alcoholic children (adult and teen).
My son has been drinking/drugging (pot and alcohol are his drugs of choice) since he was 15 or so. He is now 27.
I also have illness in the family and that compounds the problems associated with our A son. Unfortunately, I'm the one with the health issues. I am finding that I have to limit my exposure to him in order to keep a healthy and happy perspective in my own life. His constant mood swings and anger and psychological game playing really wear on me. I am realizing that I have a right to live a good life without the toxic poison that his alcoholism brings. He is an adult and has the right to live his life as he chooses....but I have choices too.
Stick around. There are some things that may seem a little foreign to you at first but all of the people here are either dealing with or have dealt with (some for many years) a loved one with this terrible disease.
gentle hugs to you.......you are not alone.
My son has been drinking/drugging (pot and alcohol are his drugs of choice) since he was 15 or so. He is now 27.
I also have illness in the family and that compounds the problems associated with our A son. Unfortunately, I'm the one with the health issues. I am finding that I have to limit my exposure to him in order to keep a healthy and happy perspective in my own life. His constant mood swings and anger and psychological game playing really wear on me. I am realizing that I have a right to live a good life without the toxic poison that his alcoholism brings. He is an adult and has the right to live his life as he chooses....but I have choices too.
Stick around. There are some things that may seem a little foreign to you at first but all of the people here are either dealing with or have dealt with (some for many years) a loved one with this terrible disease.
gentle hugs to you.......you are not alone.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
MssDgtr7 Welcome to SR
I also have an adult son who is an alcoholic. The mood swings, anger and psychological game playing that Kindeyes speaks of is what I live with also. The blame that you mention is a big part of it. Until your son is able to take responsibility for his bad behavior he has to blame someone else. That would be his parents. It doesn't make it sting any less but knowing what is behind it may help. I don't know you at all but I am certain that you didn't intentionally scar your child. Some days all I can seem to recall are the perceived "mistakes" that I made. That is why I made it a point to sit down one day and compile a list of all the good memories. It's all mental mumbo jumbo but it makes me feel better when I look at it.
My son is currently in jail. Things were going along pretty quietly for a while but then he drove again. After 5 DUI's I am guessing that the state is pretty adamant about not driving so they had to remind him again.
Listen to kjschrader. And if you want more of the kind of hope he offers you can find it at open AA meetings. There is a light in these kids that find recovery like no other.
HUGS!
I also have an adult son who is an alcoholic. The mood swings, anger and psychological game playing that Kindeyes speaks of is what I live with also. The blame that you mention is a big part of it. Until your son is able to take responsibility for his bad behavior he has to blame someone else. That would be his parents. It doesn't make it sting any less but knowing what is behind it may help. I don't know you at all but I am certain that you didn't intentionally scar your child. Some days all I can seem to recall are the perceived "mistakes" that I made. That is why I made it a point to sit down one day and compile a list of all the good memories. It's all mental mumbo jumbo but it makes me feel better when I look at it.
My son is currently in jail. Things were going along pretty quietly for a while but then he drove again. After 5 DUI's I am guessing that the state is pretty adamant about not driving so they had to remind him again.
Listen to kjschrader. And if you want more of the kind of hope he offers you can find it at open AA meetings. There is a light in these kids that find recovery like no other.
HUGS!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place to share, vent, scream, rant, rave, cry and laugh!!! Here you will find folks that have been or are where you are at now.
You might want to share with your husband that I was just like your son. I started at 12 and was living 1500 miles away (I was in Wisconsin, they were in Florida), and finally in Jan of '79 my parents had had enough! I was 33 1/2 years old and was told in no uncertain terms that if I called they would hang up and if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, and they stuck to their guns.
It took a geographic for me, moved to California and 2 1/2 more years, the last 1 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollyweird before I found recovery, 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. So.....................................anything is possible.
Tell your hubby I say congrats on his 10+ years, that is MARVELOUS!!!! Doesn't matter to me how someone finds recovery, just that they find it.
I would also like to suggest that you try some Alanon meetings, for you. It will help you tremendously in dealing with your son and yes even though he is sober your hubby.
Alanon has been a great addition to my recovery program from alcoholism.
Again WELCOME to SR.
Please keep sharing and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
You might want to share with your husband that I was just like your son. I started at 12 and was living 1500 miles away (I was in Wisconsin, they were in Florida), and finally in Jan of '79 my parents had had enough! I was 33 1/2 years old and was told in no uncertain terms that if I called they would hang up and if I came to the door, it would be shut in my face, and they stuck to their guns.
It took a geographic for me, moved to California and 2 1/2 more years, the last 1 1/2 years living on the streets of Hollyweird before I found recovery, 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday. So.....................................anything is possible.
Tell your hubby I say congrats on his 10+ years, that is MARVELOUS!!!! Doesn't matter to me how someone finds recovery, just that they find it.
I would also like to suggest that you try some Alanon meetings, for you. It will help you tremendously in dealing with your son and yes even though he is sober your hubby.
Alanon has been a great addition to my recovery program from alcoholism.
Again WELCOME to SR.
Please keep sharing and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, glad you're here!
I think blame in addiction is pretty common. The alcoholic in my life is my STBX husband. His entire family is alcoholic. About 5 years ago his youngest brother quit cold turkey and hasn't drunk since (no AA). He then tried to get his 2 brothers to stop drinking. My husband resented this greatly and has pretty much cut off this brother. I don't know, maybe it's about resisting looking at the problem, so it's blame the person.
There is a lot of great information here and elsewhere. What helped me was Al Anon, therapy with a counselor versed in addiction, reading ("Under the Influence" is terrific), etc. I think it's great you have your husband sober to be there with you through this.
One of the most important things I learned from the 12 steps was detachment. Though I maintain no contact with AH (abuse), there are others in my life who I've had to detach from. It doesn't mean cutting them out of my life, but it does mean accepting them as they are and making my interactions with them non harming to my quality of life. There is a lot of great literature out there on detachment. Perhaps that would help in your interactions with your son when he does appear in your life.
Keep posting!
I think blame in addiction is pretty common. The alcoholic in my life is my STBX husband. His entire family is alcoholic. About 5 years ago his youngest brother quit cold turkey and hasn't drunk since (no AA). He then tried to get his 2 brothers to stop drinking. My husband resented this greatly and has pretty much cut off this brother. I don't know, maybe it's about resisting looking at the problem, so it's blame the person.
There is a lot of great information here and elsewhere. What helped me was Al Anon, therapy with a counselor versed in addiction, reading ("Under the Influence" is terrific), etc. I think it's great you have your husband sober to be there with you through this.
One of the most important things I learned from the 12 steps was detachment. Though I maintain no contact with AH (abuse), there are others in my life who I've had to detach from. It doesn't mean cutting them out of my life, but it does mean accepting them as they are and making my interactions with them non harming to my quality of life. There is a lot of great literature out there on detachment. Perhaps that would help in your interactions with your son when he does appear in your life.
Keep posting!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi, Mssdgtr7, Welcome to SR. This is a truly magical place, full of warmth, compassion and wisdom...make yourself at home...
I am a single parent of a 24 yr daughter who is an alcoholic and had a romp with ecstasy for a while... I went through 7 years of pure hell....felt guilty for a long time that it was my fault that she was choosing to destroy her life and felt it was my job to save her.
I, too , deal with health issues which were exacerbated by her abuse...
I finally came to realize through a lot of work and this board that I didn't cause it , I can't fix it and I can't cure it...it is her battle , and her choice...
I have come a long way in understanding where my place is in all of this. I am powerless over her addiction....
I no longer agonize about what she will do, because it is pointless and I have a peace I have not felt in years...
i now also can have hope that she eventually will be okay.....something I could not see before because my fear was too great..
The bonus to this shifting in me, has been some movement in her. I spent the day with her yesterday...she called me...and it was better than it has been in a long time....she hasn't drank in a week. dosen't guarantee she will stop drinking.....but she is trying and for her that is big and a good place to start.
I was able to just enjoy her company without pushing, pulling or trying to control in some way, and she talked a lot about her stuff in a way she had not done for a very long time....
little baby steps of change, all the while knowing that it is her dance...there is always hope...
hugs to you, grateful
I am a single parent of a 24 yr daughter who is an alcoholic and had a romp with ecstasy for a while... I went through 7 years of pure hell....felt guilty for a long time that it was my fault that she was choosing to destroy her life and felt it was my job to save her.
I, too , deal with health issues which were exacerbated by her abuse...
I finally came to realize through a lot of work and this board that I didn't cause it , I can't fix it and I can't cure it...it is her battle , and her choice...
I have come a long way in understanding where my place is in all of this. I am powerless over her addiction....
I no longer agonize about what she will do, because it is pointless and I have a peace I have not felt in years...
i now also can have hope that she eventually will be okay.....something I could not see before because my fear was too great..
The bonus to this shifting in me, has been some movement in her. I spent the day with her yesterday...she called me...and it was better than it has been in a long time....she hasn't drank in a week. dosen't guarantee she will stop drinking.....but she is trying and for her that is big and a good place to start.
I was able to just enjoy her company without pushing, pulling or trying to control in some way, and she talked a lot about her stuff in a way she had not done for a very long time....
little baby steps of change, all the while knowing that it is her dance...there is always hope...
hugs to you, grateful
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 11
Thank You All!!! Hi Dear Friends!!!
I cannot begin to tell you just how much your posts all mean to me. I had been to Al-Anon in the past "many" years ago, although not at that time for my son, but for my husband. It was not fruitful for me, because there was one person who always talked way too much and left the rest of us out of the equation so to speak. So, I have been instead looking for an online one, which they do exist because I have been looking. But, what I hope to find is one that is Christian based. For myself this is very important to me. My faith in God and in His Christ, has been the one consistency in my life that has kept me from self-destructing in the past.
As I read your posts, I was very much encouraged by them and expecially those of young people willing to share about themselves. I do want to share one positive with you, and that is this son did come home for Thanksgiving this past year at my request, which was not a pushy one, and he stayed with us for about 4 days leading up to Thanksgiving day. I had told him he needed to think about what was more important to him, his life choices, or...his family and then never said another word about it. And by the grace of God, he did choose to come home and spend ths holiday with us. So, I do want to share that he is in the thinking process, although when he is talking in a very depressed and drunken state, I become very concerned for him and it haunts me that I cannot do anything beyond prayer. I am well acquainted with the Serenity Prayer which I have used for years and it still helps me very much today still.
So again, thank you all and I look forward to posting and receiving replies from you and any others who come to be supportive also.
Blessings,
MssDgtr7
I cannot begin to tell you just how much your posts all mean to me. I had been to Al-Anon in the past "many" years ago, although not at that time for my son, but for my husband. It was not fruitful for me, because there was one person who always talked way too much and left the rest of us out of the equation so to speak. So, I have been instead looking for an online one, which they do exist because I have been looking. But, what I hope to find is one that is Christian based. For myself this is very important to me. My faith in God and in His Christ, has been the one consistency in my life that has kept me from self-destructing in the past.
As I read your posts, I was very much encouraged by them and expecially those of young people willing to share about themselves. I do want to share one positive with you, and that is this son did come home for Thanksgiving this past year at my request, which was not a pushy one, and he stayed with us for about 4 days leading up to Thanksgiving day. I had told him he needed to think about what was more important to him, his life choices, or...his family and then never said another word about it. And by the grace of God, he did choose to come home and spend ths holiday with us. So, I do want to share that he is in the thinking process, although when he is talking in a very depressed and drunken state, I become very concerned for him and it haunts me that I cannot do anything beyond prayer. I am well acquainted with the Serenity Prayer which I have used for years and it still helps me very much today still.
So again, thank you all and I look forward to posting and receiving replies from you and any others who come to be supportive also.
Blessings,
MssDgtr7
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another Mom.
If you don't want to attend Al-anon maybe you can order some of the books.
They have a great info about "detaching with love"
Be kind to yourself. It is common for addicts to distance from their families and avoid family functions because they are ashamed and will find it hard to hide their drinking.
Many of us here demonstrate how we have learned to have joyful lives, no matter what our grown kids are doing. There are also many stories of recovery here that give hope.
If you don't want to attend Al-anon maybe you can order some of the books.
They have a great info about "detaching with love"
Be kind to yourself. It is common for addicts to distance from their families and avoid family functions because they are ashamed and will find it hard to hide their drinking.
Many of us here demonstrate how we have learned to have joyful lives, no matter what our grown kids are doing. There are also many stories of recovery here that give hope.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Mom? Is that you?
Wow. My situation is so similar, from the other end of things. Even the age and driving distance... and my dad is sober too but also without attending AA.
This may not equate to your situation, but I'll share this anyway.
My biggest problem with my mother is that she is not part of my recovery program, but insists on trying to be a part of it anyway. Since she went through this years ago with my father, she seems to think she knows everything about what I need to do to recover. It drives me crazy.
Part of it is me, yes. I'm half of the equation. I just wish she would stick to being my mom and not trying to be a rehab counselor. I'm happy to listen to how she feels and tell her how I'm doing, but don't like her telling me about which meetings I'm going to (or should be going to) and with whom I spend my time (she thinks there are "good" alcoholics and "bad" alcoholics). She's also constantly telling me that I should be spending more time with my family and less time with the AA community - a strange paradox. "Go to more meetings, but don't hang out with those people." And she's always asking me about my sponsor...
Anyway, good luck to you. I hope your son finds what he needs.
Wow. My situation is so similar, from the other end of things. Even the age and driving distance... and my dad is sober too but also without attending AA.
This may not equate to your situation, but I'll share this anyway.
My biggest problem with my mother is that she is not part of my recovery program, but insists on trying to be a part of it anyway. Since she went through this years ago with my father, she seems to think she knows everything about what I need to do to recover. It drives me crazy.
Part of it is me, yes. I'm half of the equation. I just wish she would stick to being my mom and not trying to be a rehab counselor. I'm happy to listen to how she feels and tell her how I'm doing, but don't like her telling me about which meetings I'm going to (or should be going to) and with whom I spend my time (she thinks there are "good" alcoholics and "bad" alcoholics). She's also constantly telling me that I should be spending more time with my family and less time with the AA community - a strange paradox. "Go to more meetings, but don't hang out with those people." And she's always asking me about my sponsor...
Anyway, good luck to you. I hope your son finds what he needs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 11
Mom? Is that you?
Hi Justanotherdrunk!
No, it is not your mother. My son is totally on his own in every way. I no longer try to tell him what to do, or what I think, unless...he asks me point blank. And he is not in an AA program. I am just trying as a mom who loves her son and who has such deep concerns for him, to cope with this issue for me and just love him as he is. I do appreciate all you shared and I hope things work out for you. I'll be here if you need an online substitute sometimes, ok?
Blessings,
Msd7
No, it is not your mother. My son is totally on his own in every way. I no longer try to tell him what to do, or what I think, unless...he asks me point blank. And he is not in an AA program. I am just trying as a mom who loves her son and who has such deep concerns for him, to cope with this issue for me and just love him as he is. I do appreciate all you shared and I hope things work out for you. I'll be here if you need an online substitute sometimes, ok?
Blessings,
Msd7
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: makawao
Posts: 1
I have a 48 year old daughter that is an alcoholic and drug user. I went to my first Al Anon meeting yesterday. How do I reach her? what do I say to help and not alienate her. She is lovely in every way and so kind and generous. beautiful inside and out, but she is hurting. She has never been married and I am not surprised because the men she meets are not good choices. Any advice on what to say or do. I live thousands of miles away and don't get to see her often.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Patty, and welcome!
This is a very old thread (from 2008). I suggest you start a new thread of your own so your post doesn't get overlooked.
The first thing you need to understand is that you can't control your adult daughter. What does she say to you about her drinking and drugging? Has she ever been in treatment (including AA/NA)? You can encourage her recovery IF she has chosen to pursue it, but until she gets there--to the point where she is willing to accept help--there isn't much you can do for her. There is much you can do for YOU, though. Glad you have started with Al-Anon.
This is a very old thread (from 2008). I suggest you start a new thread of your own so your post doesn't get overlooked.
The first thing you need to understand is that you can't control your adult daughter. What does she say to you about her drinking and drugging? Has she ever been in treatment (including AA/NA)? You can encourage her recovery IF she has chosen to pursue it, but until she gets there--to the point where she is willing to accept help--there isn't much you can do for her. There is much you can do for YOU, though. Glad you have started with Al-Anon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
