Husband coming home from Rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 19
Husband coming home from Rehab
Hello there,
I am new to this post and thought I would reach out. My husband will be coming home soon after spending 120 days in Alcohol Rehab. Im doing my best to reflect on myself but is there any input anyone could give me on preparing for his return?? What I should expect?? He is very positve and we are blessed to have a second chance at our marriage and being healthy parents to our young daughter..
Thanks,
Avasmiles
I am new to this post and thought I would reach out. My husband will be coming home soon after spending 120 days in Alcohol Rehab. Im doing my best to reflect on myself but is there any input anyone could give me on preparing for his return?? What I should expect?? He is very positve and we are blessed to have a second chance at our marriage and being healthy parents to our young daughter..
Thanks,
Avasmiles
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Are you working your own program through Al-anon? That's an incredible group if you embrace it and work the steps yourself.
Since your husband is doing a 4 mo. program hopefully his odds of staying sober are great. Wishing you both all the best.
Since your husband is doing a 4 mo. program hopefully his odds of staying sober are great. Wishing you both all the best.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR.
Many things may happen and the only way to be ready for them is by keeping this in mind...
Nothing changes untill you see it change. Actions over time will tell you what is what. Keep your boundaries firm so he will know what is acceptable and what isn't.
If you need time to deal with any hurt as you look to find forgiveness for him...let him know that is what you need. Us guys tend to get over things fast where women tend to need more time in some instances.
Strive to keep conversations flowing and as he works on his recovery, you will see some nice changes. If he doesn't work on his recovery... well nothing changes if nothing changes. So back to the first part...
Nothing changes untill you see it change. Actions over time will tell you what is what. Actions not just words shall be your proof.
Many things may happen and the only way to be ready for them is by keeping this in mind...
Nothing changes untill you see it change. Actions over time will tell you what is what. Keep your boundaries firm so he will know what is acceptable and what isn't.
If you need time to deal with any hurt as you look to find forgiveness for him...let him know that is what you need. Us guys tend to get over things fast where women tend to need more time in some instances.
Strive to keep conversations flowing and as he works on his recovery, you will see some nice changes. If he doesn't work on his recovery... well nothing changes if nothing changes. So back to the first part...
Nothing changes untill you see it change. Actions over time will tell you what is what. Actions not just words shall be your proof.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
It's a bit of a shock to come home from rehab, especially one that long. I was in for 5 months and am now in a sober house. I'm going home at the end of March.
One thing I learned is that none of my problems went away just because I went to rehab (save one). It was a bit of a surprise to get back to the real world and find everything exactly where I left it.
The other thing I learned is that I was way ahead of my spouse in terms of my emotional and spiritual health. I had counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists at my beck and call for 5 months, group after group - spilling my guts, and all sorts of other good stuff going on. All she had was a couple al-anon meetings a week - which is great too. But it doesn't compare to months of intensive professional health.
We still had to deal with us, trust issues, etc. And here I thought everything was all duckies and bunnies.
Don't get me wrong, things are good, but not what I expected.
The only advice I could give would be to give him a few days (even a week) to sort of decompress and adjust to the real world again before getting into issues that you two need to deal with together.
The other thing to remember would be that his recovery program is supposed to come first, before work, family etc. He may be going to so many meetings (hopefully) that you might want him around more spending time with you and the family. Recovery should come first. Without it, you wont have him.
One thing I learned is that none of my problems went away just because I went to rehab (save one). It was a bit of a surprise to get back to the real world and find everything exactly where I left it.
The other thing I learned is that I was way ahead of my spouse in terms of my emotional and spiritual health. I had counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists at my beck and call for 5 months, group after group - spilling my guts, and all sorts of other good stuff going on. All she had was a couple al-anon meetings a week - which is great too. But it doesn't compare to months of intensive professional health.
We still had to deal with us, trust issues, etc. And here I thought everything was all duckies and bunnies.
Don't get me wrong, things are good, but not what I expected.
The only advice I could give would be to give him a few days (even a week) to sort of decompress and adjust to the real world again before getting into issues that you two need to deal with together.
The other thing to remember would be that his recovery program is supposed to come first, before work, family etc. He may be going to so many meetings (hopefully) that you might want him around more spending time with you and the family. Recovery should come first. Without it, you wont have him.
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by justanothrdrunk 
It's a bit of a shock to come home from rehab, especially one that long. I was in for 5 months and am now in a sober house. I'm going home at the end of March.
One thing I learned is that none of my problems went away just because I went to rehab (save one). It was a bit of a surprise to get back to the real world and find everything exactly where I left it.
The other thing I learned is that I was way ahead of my spouse in terms of my emotional and spiritual health. I had counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists at my beck and call for 5 months, group after group - spilling my guts, and all sorts of other good stuff going on. All she had was a couple al-anon meetings a week - which is great too. But it doesn't compare to months of intensive professional health.
We still had to deal with us, trust issues, etc. And here I thought everything was all duckies and bunnies.
Don't get me wrong, things are good, but not what I expected.
The only advice I could give would be to give him a few days (even a week) to sort of decompress and adjust to the real world again before getting into issues that you two need to deal with together.
The other thing to remember would be that his recovery program is supposed to come first, before work, family etc. He may be going to so many meetings (hopefully) that you might want him around more spending time with you and the family. Recovery should come first. Without it, you wont have him.
One thing I learned is that none of my problems went away just because I went to rehab (save one). It was a bit of a surprise to get back to the real world and find everything exactly where I left it.
The other thing I learned is that I was way ahead of my spouse in terms of my emotional and spiritual health. I had counselors and psychologists and psychiatrists at my beck and call for 5 months, group after group - spilling my guts, and all sorts of other good stuff going on. All she had was a couple al-anon meetings a week - which is great too. But it doesn't compare to months of intensive professional health.
We still had to deal with us, trust issues, etc. And here I thought everything was all duckies and bunnies.
Don't get me wrong, things are good, but not what I expected.
The only advice I could give would be to give him a few days (even a week) to sort of decompress and adjust to the real world again before getting into issues that you two need to deal with together.
The other thing to remember would be that his recovery program is supposed to come first, before work, family etc. He may be going to so many meetings (hopefully) that you might want him around more spending time with you and the family. Recovery should come first. Without it, you wont have him.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
When my partner was actively drinking, the alcohol came first so he was not there for me. When my partner was in early recovery, his recovery came first so he was not there for me. When my partner resumed drinking, his alcohol came first, and once again he was not there for me.
You ask what to expect from your partner now that he's returned from rehab. In my experience, you'll receive more of the same from him--nothing. Whether my partner was actively drinking or actively trying not to drink I came in second on his best days and last on his worst days.
The bottom line is that my alcoholic partner was never there for me. I waited for 25 years for him to get his life together and become the partner that I deserved. That was a monumental waste of time.
My life improved dramatically the day I finally woke up and stopped settling for far less than I deserved. The Big Book asks wives to be patient while their partners try to turn their lives around. That's fine and dandy for the alcoholic, but what's in it for the wives?
You ask what to expect from your partner now that he's returned from rehab. In my experience, you'll receive more of the same from him--nothing. Whether my partner was actively drinking or actively trying not to drink I came in second on his best days and last on his worst days.
The bottom line is that my alcoholic partner was never there for me. I waited for 25 years for him to get his life together and become the partner that I deserved. That was a monumental waste of time.
My life improved dramatically the day I finally woke up and stopped settling for far less than I deserved. The Big Book asks wives to be patient while their partners try to turn their lives around. That's fine and dandy for the alcoholic, but what's in it for the wives?
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
FD makes an excellent point...only people who accept their recovering partner "as is" should attempt to stay...For me...I know I would leave. There are ladies in my alanon home group who have acheived serenity while staying either with an active a...or a recovering a...that works for them.
Something to think about avasmiles....What do you want out of your relationship?
I liked justanotherdrunks post because it seemed really honest about what to expect.
Something to think about avasmiles....What do you want out of your relationship?
I liked justanotherdrunks post because it seemed really honest about what to expect.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I wish I could tell you what to expect but I think as similar as each situation is...each situation is as unique as the people involved.
I wish you the very best in your own recovery and hope and pray that your husband has the faith and tenacity needed to keep this disease in "remission".
gentle hugs
I wish you the very best in your own recovery and hope and pray that your husband has the faith and tenacity needed to keep this disease in "remission".
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Justanothr sums it up perfectly. We spend years missing our A's because they are too drunk to participate in the relationship. We think sobriety will change all this, but it doesn't. After sobriety, our A's are still absent and living in the rooms of AA. Lucky for us, we've already had a lot of experience dealing with solitude. In spite of this, it is so wonderful to finally have someone I can have a sober conversation with. Someone who is now able to share and take on the general responsibilities of home ownership (yard work, maintenance, etc.). For me, these benefits far outweigh his absence.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Avasmiles, that is such wonderful news. As a wife who has been where you are, all I can share is remember his recovery must come first or the rest will/can fall apart quickly.
My AH, recovered for 2 1/2 years, still goes to 7-9 meetings a week. The first year of his recovery, he went to more than that, and I remember feeling like I was still alone, like I had been when he was drinking. It WILL get better. After a year, which is a good milestone, he changed his schedule and started going to daytime meetings mostly which has helped tremendously so now we have more family time in the evenings. I still have little thoughts of rejection/jealousy once in a while, but I just focus on the positive and remember how bad it was before and what a wonderful human being my AH has become. Remember, this is HIS recovery so let him control his and you control your recovery. I am happy for you.
My AH, recovered for 2 1/2 years, still goes to 7-9 meetings a week. The first year of his recovery, he went to more than that, and I remember feeling like I was still alone, like I had been when he was drinking. It WILL get better. After a year, which is a good milestone, he changed his schedule and started going to daytime meetings mostly which has helped tremendously so now we have more family time in the evenings. I still have little thoughts of rejection/jealousy once in a while, but I just focus on the positive and remember how bad it was before and what a wonderful human being my AH has become. Remember, this is HIS recovery so let him control his and you control your recovery. I am happy for you.
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