hopeangel

ah left for texas this morning. no goodbye, nothing. he will be gone a week at least. i'm really hoping it turns into longer. i really need the time to myself to clear my head. no contact.

i was asked out by a younger REALLY cute guy last night and i'd really like to go. i got concert tickets off a guy at the radio station here and was telling him and he said he wanted to go with me. he gave me his number a long time ago and is always asking me why i don't call him? of course, he doesn't know married. thing is i would love just to be able to go with him and just have a good time. he's a massotherapist and works with my chiropracter.

i've had lots of different advice on this. 1) the heck with ah just go and have a good time with him. 2) be honest with the guy and tell him your married and that if he wanted you could just go as friends 3) tell ah first be upfront and honest with him and tell him your getting a divorce and your done and then go and have a good time 4) don't go with him.

thing is i've never lied to ah and i know that if the tables were turned i wouldn't want him going with another woman to a concert while we're still married. but i big part of me doesn't even feel guilty anymore because ah gave up on the marriage a long time ago, lies to me, and i don't know where he is at till 4:30 in the morning. he's having an affair with alchold most nights. it's such a double standerd. ah and i don't even talk anymore and i can see real men that have interest in me. the other guy i have mentioned before is still around too.

i'm just upset cause i feel like its another missed opportunity.

so, i have this week to myself. i have thoughts of just moving out this week cause it would be so much easier to do not having to face ah, but my counselor doesn't think its a good idea cause i would still have to face ah and he is coming back (is it wrong that i am just really wishing he would decide to just leave and stay gone?) i dread thinking about him coming home again. she said that doing it that way wouldn't give me the confidence that i could actually face my fears and do it.

i have made tremendous strides in getting the house ready to sell. i've cleaned, organized, thrown things out so that if we want to put it on the market i don't mind people coming in.

i guess the good thing is i have this whole week to see how it is without him. i just wish i had more time ...........

Ragazza Miele

HopeAngel,

Take it from someone who just did this. DO NOT go out with the guy until you make it clear to your AH that you are leaving him. I didn't do that, I did it the backwards way and made a mess of my life for everyone that I am still cleaning up. Depending on how you feel about your AH, you probably WILL be happier once you leave, but leave first before you start your new life. You will be thankful for it in the long run. Maybe catch some of my posts just this week. I'm only now coming clean about what I did and realizing how wrong I was. Even though during the entire ordeal I felt as though I owed it to myself, the AH caused it, I deserved better, blah blah blah. I told myself alot of things to justify seeing someone else. There is no justification if you are still married. Take care of that first, and then begin your new life with your good conscience intact. Begin any and all recovery treatment you can get yourself into. Work on yourself before you involve anyone else in your life. You owe it to yourself and them. By the time you reach this point with an alcoholic and an alcoholic lifestyle, you are as sick as the alcoholic himself.

Good luck to you............

hopeangel

very well said rag, thank u! that's exactly it. i so want to get on with my life and i want to start now and i'm trying to find a way to do it keeping a good conscience and my morals in tact, but i still want to do what i want to do.

the two people that i have to be able to answer to is myself and my higher power.

it's really just frustration and impatience. i'm soo done with patience...needless to say i stopped praying patience a long time ago. i told the counselor i want this resolved and done by summer. i have a goal. i don't see going through another summer like this.

now how to do that?

raz, if you read my previous posts about confessions of the heart, you'll find we really do have a lot in common. your situation sounds just like mine and my "other guy" is a lot like yours. take a read. i'm really glad things seem to be working for you. i think you can be a great help to me.

thanks!!!

LaTeeDa

I couldn't have said it any better. There will be other opportunities to go out with men. I know how easy it is to think that someone "better" will make things all better. I had to get rid of a lot of baggage before I could start off on a new journey.

And remember--like attracts like. If you are conflicted, confused, and in pain, you are sending out that kind of energy. The people who will be attracted to that are likely troubled themselves. It may not seem that way on the surface, but looking back, if anyone had been attracted to me while I was still married to my AH, I would definitely be worried about them, lol.

L

hopeangel

"And remember--like attracts like. If you are conflicted, confused, and in pain, you are sending out that kind of energy. The people who will be attracted to that are likely troubled themselves. It may not seem that way on the surface, but looking back, if anyone had been attracted to me while I was still married to my AH, I would definitely be worried about them, lol."

i know i wonder about that too. i know i wouldn't get involved with a married man. i would run for the hills-lol.

never really thought of it quite like you stated though. thanks for the perspective.

i should add that i took off my wedding ring a month ago. ah either hasn't noticed or hasn't said a word about it. so, what does that tell you?

Ragazza Miele

So funny you would mention this. I remember the last Christmas I had to spend with XAH and his very enabling dysfunctional family, I sat there completely "joyless" (considering it was Christmas and all) and said to myself, "I can't do this again, I can NOT go thru another Christmas with him and this family" and in February following that Christmas, a year ago this exact month, it all just came pouring out of my mouth to him. I had repressed my feelings, my thoughts, and such for so long, it was like I just spilled it all out there all over him, and then I couldn't shut up. I spent the next couple weeks following that confession to him, telling him every single feeling I had been having, and for how long I had felt that way. It was like the best cleansing ever. I'm just sorry about the affair, but I'm not sorry that I'm out.

denny57

If someone wants to cheat, they'll find the justification. God knows AH did and though I had plenty of reason, I didn't.

It's a deeply personal choice and I can't imagine seeking or taking advice from anyone else on whether to do it or not.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

hbb

Hi Hope,

This is what i try to do too, right or wrong of the other person and what they are doing, i always try to think about how I would feel if it were done to me. JMHO. I'm a need for a clear conscience person as i'm sure you are too.

LaTeeDa

Hope,

I'm happy to hear you have set yourself a goal. It seems to me that you have been ready to get out of your marriage for some time, but something is holding you back.

I obviously don't know what's going on with you, but with me I could not get past thinking divorce=failure. I just couldn't stand the idea of failing. It took me a really long time to work through those feelings, and tbh I still get them sometimes. But you know what? In order to fail at something, success has to be a possibility. If there is no possibility of success, how can there be failure? One person cannot make a marriage work without the other person--it's impossible. Failing to do something that is impossible is not failure at all. It's admitting I can't acheive the impossible.

L

hopeangel

yep hbb, i'm that way too. i live by that too and always consider, if i could sit down with ah and be able to tell him everything and i won't do anything that i couldn't imagine being able to be honest with him about or feel guilty about.

yep denny, ultimitaley, i'm the person i have to be able to live with. i'm just getting it out there as i do when i feel myself faltering and need the reinforcement

i know i want to leave this being able to feel good about myself.

rag, my christmas was the same and i can't see spending the rest of my life with his family. another thing a lot of people don't consider when they get married - that you marry the other persons family too and can you live with that and be happy. myself, i can't ever see having children with ah and ever letting them watch them or be a part of my kids life, soo..

any suggestions on how i make the most of this week? i think i'm going to have my mom over to sort through and get rid of some family stuff in the house and i think i might fill out the papers i got from a divorce attorney a while back, so there filled out and when i'm ready i can proceed.
i opened up a savings account finally -should have done that a long time ago, so i have some money saved for things.

hopeangel

latee -"Failing to do something that is impossible is not failure at all. It's admitting I can't acheive the impossible." i needed to hear this. i guess there comes a day when you just have to accept the reality of what is. basically, it is what it is. i'm not even laying blame anymore. so much of my marriage was spent in a competition with ah. it's not even about that anymore. unfortunately for him it is still who is right or wrong, he's still carrying blame and resentment, and still competing. i'm not. i just want to be happy and do the right thing....

for me for some reason i look more at all the wasted time and effort - i can't believe that it could all be for nothing? also, i feel damaged in some way if you know what i mean because of it.

LaTeeDa

Boy, do I understand those feelings.

The time and effort is not wasted. It's life lessons. Think of it as getting your master's degree in the subject of relationships. You are not damaged, you are wiser.

L

Lilyflower

Funny this came up. The new year just gone, I made a resolution to myself that I would be happier this time next year, and that I wouldn't spend another year feeling as miserable as I had done.

Here I am not 2 months later, and I made the decision to end it with abf. I guess the penny finally dropped that I had done all I could, that I was the only one trying to save us, and that his choice had been made clearly, right under my nose time and time again. I hadn't been able to face it before.

It really is true, that the pain stops ''when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work, when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.''

So very sad but so true.
Lily xxxxxxxxxx

hopeangel

"And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.'' RIGHT ON LILY!!!

wow, i was just reading something on divine intervention (you know when your looking for signs of what is right) this morning and it comes in many forms. one way is the words of others and reading this from you gives me chills because i just recently resolved that my heart is no longer open to anyone that doesn't want it, doesn't hold it close, doesn't protect it, or fight for it.

nowinsituation

I am an accountant by profession. There is an accounting concept called "sunk costs vs relevant costs". It is as follows:

SUNK COSTS VS. RELEVANT COSTS: One of the first things to understand about sound business judgment is that a distinction must be made between sunk costs and relevant costs. There is an old adage that cautions against throwing good money after bad. This has to do with the concept of a sunk cost, and it is an appropriate warning. A sunk cost relates to the historical amount that has already been expended on a project or object. For example, you may have purchased an expensive shirt that was hopelessly shrunk in the dryer. Would you now attempt to buy a matching pair of pants because you had invested so much in the shirt? Obviously not. The amount you previously spent on the shirt is no longer relevant to your decision; it is a sunk cost and should not influence your future actions.

So, consider the time you spent a "sunk cost" -- it is not relevant to your future decision.

hopeangel

"consider the time you spent a "sunk cost" -- it is not relevant to your future decision. "

VERY WISE!

you can't change or get back the past- it can prevent you from moving forward if you let it and it can determine your future decisions if you let it.

IT IS NO LONGER RELEVANT TO YOUR FUTURE DECISIONS- i love that - basically it sets you free to create a different future path without being held back or influenced by the past.

hopeangel

i think this is all just starting to sink into me and now it's hitting me.

how can you just leave like that and not even say goodbye, nothing? i mean i didn't even see his face this morning. he was drinking last night in the basement, so no words were spoken yesterday either?????????????

wow, how can you do that to someone that you love? it hurts now shell shocked once again and on the verge of tears....

oh and don't get me wrong...i'm p@@@@@ off too! i should just change the locks and not let him in again.

minnelson6200

:praying
:ghug3

I'm so sorry you're hurting.

hbb

((((((hopeangel))))))

Sounds like he's being selfish and not very nice right now, no one deserves to be treated like that. Your exactly right, especially the one you love. So sorry your hurting. It's ok to cry. I"m thinking of you.

hopeangel

just want your opinions on whether or not to take his phone calls if he calls this week. i don't want to, but i'm sure it will then be my fault for not taking the calls (if he calls) and then once again he will put the blame on me.

any ideas how to handle this?