I'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
I'm new
This is my first time in a chat room of any kind...my husband is an alcoholic and has been for 20 years. This is so painful for me to admit and speak about. I feel like such a failure as a person and a mother. I always hoped he would stop and now it is so obvious to my grown children, their friends and anyone that knows us. I have been hiding out for years depressed and it has taken a real toll on all of us. How do you cope?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, underwood, glad you're here!
You are not a failure, though I know I felt the same way. I lived my life on hope, too.
What helped me was reaching out, as you've done here. I attend Al Anon, go to individual therapy (with a therapist who understands addiction). Our family doctor was and continues to be a huge support system for me.
Read the stickys here, learn all you can and keep posting - you are not alone!
You are not a failure, though I know I felt the same way. I lived my life on hope, too.
What helped me was reaching out, as you've done here. I attend Al Anon, go to individual therapy (with a therapist who understands addiction). Our family doctor was and continues to be a huge support system for me.
Read the stickys here, learn all you can and keep posting - you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
dear underwood,
if you spend time with recovering people, you begin to recover.
please visit here often, talk whenever you wish, try 6 al-anon meetings. there is something like magic that happens when the isolation is over. just don't run away and hide anymore.
love to you wherever you are. this is your new beginning.
if you spend time with recovering people, you begin to recover.
please visit here often, talk whenever you wish, try 6 al-anon meetings. there is something like magic that happens when the isolation is over. just don't run away and hide anymore.
love to you wherever you are. this is your new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Underwood,
I saw myself in your words. My husband had stopped drinking when my children were little, but started back up when they were in their teens. I think my final straw came when the four of us were sitting in the kitchen one night, with the two kids and myself talking and my exAH falling off one of the bar stools as we all witnessed it. I felt so embarrassed (don't know why, but I did) that my children were witnessing this behavior right in front of me. I gave him the quit drinking or move out talk the next day. He chose to move out rather than quit drinking.
A couple things for you to think about, sweetie. One, alcoholism is very progressive, and he is NEVER going to get better at drinking, only much worse, if you can believe that. You have the power to decide how much more you want to witness of his decline, whether you love him or not. Sometimes it's too painful to be a witness to their self-destruction and you really can choose to no longer be a part of the madness. Two, if you haven't studied the dynamics of living with an alcoholic much, there is a real counterpoint to this disease in the lives of the family of an alcoholic. You also are suffering from this disease, and you will also not get any better until you decide you are ready. Try reading a lot on this website, and also find some outside literature (I always say this, but my favorite book to start with is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie). It may open your eyes, even if the first read is painful because you recognize yourself in the words, either here or in codependency literature. Read it anyway, cry your eyes out, and then life becomes more clearer when you realize that this "life" you are leading can change. You can change it. You truly can't change him, but you can make your life better. And we are here to support you whenever you need it. I love this website! Welcome.
I saw myself in your words. My husband had stopped drinking when my children were little, but started back up when they were in their teens. I think my final straw came when the four of us were sitting in the kitchen one night, with the two kids and myself talking and my exAH falling off one of the bar stools as we all witnessed it. I felt so embarrassed (don't know why, but I did) that my children were witnessing this behavior right in front of me. I gave him the quit drinking or move out talk the next day. He chose to move out rather than quit drinking.
A couple things for you to think about, sweetie. One, alcoholism is very progressive, and he is NEVER going to get better at drinking, only much worse, if you can believe that. You have the power to decide how much more you want to witness of his decline, whether you love him or not. Sometimes it's too painful to be a witness to their self-destruction and you really can choose to no longer be a part of the madness. Two, if you haven't studied the dynamics of living with an alcoholic much, there is a real counterpoint to this disease in the lives of the family of an alcoholic. You also are suffering from this disease, and you will also not get any better until you decide you are ready. Try reading a lot on this website, and also find some outside literature (I always say this, but my favorite book to start with is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie). It may open your eyes, even if the first read is painful because you recognize yourself in the words, either here or in codependency literature. Read it anyway, cry your eyes out, and then life becomes more clearer when you realize that this "life" you are leading can change. You can change it. You truly can't change him, but you can make your life better. And we are here to support you whenever you need it. I love this website! Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Cynthiana, KY
Posts: 42
Welcome, I'm still pretty new myself. Keep coming here & visit as often as you can, read all you can about us, we are all in, almost out or out already of the sinking ship. You will find great advice and the truth here... Praying for you. ,:sorry I don't feel confident enough to give any advice yet as I am still learning what a big codependent I was those how know best will be here soon with advice and understanding.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by underwood 
This is my first time in a chat room of any kind...my husband is an alcoholic and has been for 20 years. This is so painful for me to admit and speak about. I feel like such a failure as a person and a mother. I always hoped he would stop and now it is so obvious to my grown children, their friends and anyone that knows us. I have been hiding out for years depressed and it has taken a real toll on all of us. How do you cope?
I recommend reading the stickies at the top of any forum, they really helped me to see through the fog. Keep posting here and click any of our names for our histories. Its time to start helping you now, remember the three C's that we talk about all the time here...
You didn't cause it
You can control it,
You can't cure it.
He has to help himself and you need to help you.
Welcome again
Love Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: by the sea
Posts: 183
Welcome ro SR.. glad you found your way here.
Keep reading posting and sharing, you will find a wealth of kindness, support and love. Read, read and read some more, you will find you are not alone. I felt like such a fool when I first got here which was not that long ago, but everyday I learn more about me and how to take care of me in order to surviv this craay journey.
shakarris
Keep reading posting and sharing, you will find a wealth of kindness, support and love. Read, read and read some more, you will find you are not alone. I felt like such a fool when I first got here which was not that long ago, but everyday I learn more about me and how to take care of me in order to surviv this craay journey.
shakarris
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome.
You asked how we cope. Here are some ways that I have coped with my A son's addiction.
I come to this forum to exchange thoughts with people who understand how painful it is to love an alcoholic/addict.
I read Alanon material and other books to educate myself on codependence and alcoholism.
I meditate and concentrate on addressing my own shortcomings (trying to correct them rather than beating myself up over them).
I concentrate on and appreciate the beauty in this world--otherwise I would be overcome with saddness.
Those are a few of my coping tools. Stick around. There are so many people here who have lived what you are living. You have reached out and asked for support. You'll find it at SR.
gentle hugs
You asked how we cope. Here are some ways that I have coped with my A son's addiction.
I come to this forum to exchange thoughts with people who understand how painful it is to love an alcoholic/addict.
I read Alanon material and other books to educate myself on codependence and alcoholism.
I meditate and concentrate on addressing my own shortcomings (trying to correct them rather than beating myself up over them).
I concentrate on and appreciate the beauty in this world--otherwise I would be overcome with saddness.
Those are a few of my coping tools. Stick around. There are so many people here who have lived what you are living. You have reached out and asked for support. You'll find it at SR.
gentle hugs
Progress Not Perfection
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Hugs and care sent out to you Underwood.
Welcome!
I hope you see you are not alone!
How to cope? Just keep coming back! Thats how you do it. Its that simple. If you would like face to face contact then try alanon...like others suggested. I agree with bluejay "if you spend time with recovering people, you begin to recover."
Very simple and elegant.
Welcome!
I hope you see you are not alone!
How to cope? Just keep coming back! Thats how you do it. Its that simple. If you would like face to face contact then try alanon...like others suggested. I agree with bluejay "if you spend time with recovering people, you begin to recover."
Very simple and elegant.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us-As others have stated you are not alone in this. I use to as well feel the same way-and I lived on hope and in denial for years. It was to painful to face the problems in my life-
Today I go to Al-Anon at least two meetings a week-I read a lot and I also journal which helps me to get out things that are in my head!
Sharing here is a big part of my life as well as others are traveling a road close to mine-weather they are behind me or ahead of me this place is a great support in so many ways and I do hope that you keep coming back and it is for you too!
Stickies Stickies great source there!
Keep posting!
Today I go to Al-Anon at least two meetings a week-I read a lot and I also journal which helps me to get out things that are in my head!
Sharing here is a big part of my life as well as others are traveling a road close to mine-weather they are behind me or ahead of me this place is a great support in so many ways and I do hope that you keep coming back and it is for you too!
Stickies Stickies great source there!
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Thunder Bay
Posts: 186
I just wanted to say welcome. I've been living with an AH for about 5 years now, I can't imagine how you must feel after 20. I also strongly reccomend "Codependent no more" I've just started it, and it's made a real difference to me. It's nice to know that I'm not alone or crazy.
Welcome - please stay around.
Welcome - please stay around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 486
Welcome to SR!
All I would say is that you are not a failure because of your AH's disease. As a matter of fact I think you are a strong person for coming to a chat room and talking about it. If you are familiar with Al Anon then this is good work towards completion of a crucial 1st step to your own recovery (by the way, I am an AH and am a huge proponent of Al Anon as my wife is attending while I attend AA).
I know it sounds scary to think that you are in recovery due to someone else's problem, but his problem has created a problem for you and your family. While we as the alcoholic have to deal with being responsible for the wreckage that we caused, you and your family are waist deep in the wreckage that we caused and need help to deal with it.
SR is a place where you can get information and advice from people who have been there and / or who are still going through what you are going through and it provides a safe environment to ask questions and get answers.
I hope this helps and keep coming back!
All I would say is that you are not a failure because of your AH's disease. As a matter of fact I think you are a strong person for coming to a chat room and talking about it. If you are familiar with Al Anon then this is good work towards completion of a crucial 1st step to your own recovery (by the way, I am an AH and am a huge proponent of Al Anon as my wife is attending while I attend AA).
I know it sounds scary to think that you are in recovery due to someone else's problem, but his problem has created a problem for you and your family. While we as the alcoholic have to deal with being responsible for the wreckage that we caused, you and your family are waist deep in the wreckage that we caused and need help to deal with it.
SR is a place where you can get information and advice from people who have been there and / or who are still going through what you are going through and it provides a safe environment to ask questions and get answers.
I hope this helps and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: California
Posts: 303
Hi Underwood, Welcome to SR!
We all deserve happiness in our lives. You are aware of your situation, you've spoken out about it and now you can begin to change it. I'm new to this process as well, about 5 weeks into it, and I am amazed at what I've learned about myself, and the choices that I have made in the past.
As a matter of fact, just this morning, I wrote on our family message board on the refrigerator "You should all know that.....I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior". And I mean it. And I feel it. And it feels so good to have that confidence. Because I am good, I give a lot of good, and I deserve good in return. If not, then please leave.
So....I know that you will find strength here as well as al-anon and some counseling....I know that the combination of the above has helped me tremendously in my recovery process.
Stay strong, and do something today that makes you feel good and brings a smile to your face!
Shivaya
We all deserve happiness in our lives. You are aware of your situation, you've spoken out about it and now you can begin to change it. I'm new to this process as well, about 5 weeks into it, and I am amazed at what I've learned about myself, and the choices that I have made in the past.
As a matter of fact, just this morning, I wrote on our family message board on the refrigerator "You should all know that.....I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior". And I mean it. And I feel it. And it feels so good to have that confidence. Because I am good, I give a lot of good, and I deserve good in return. If not, then please leave.
So....I know that you will find strength here as well as al-anon and some counseling....I know that the combination of the above has helped me tremendously in my recovery process.
Stay strong, and do something today that makes you feel good and brings a smile to your face!
Shivaya
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Underwood, just want to say welcome to SR we will all try to help all we can, first things first, you are not a failure ok you are a caring human being, whose just forgotten how to care for yourself, you will find many of us here. Read all you can and post all you can. You my friend are not alone.
Mair xx
Mair xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi Underwood. You are not a failure and I commend you for having the courage to post on this site. You are not alone any more and I know that the people here can understand much of what has happened to you, and offer strength, hope, and experience. I am so glad you posted and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi,Underwood! So glad you found us! SR has helped me so much!!!
You've already gotten some great advice. I'll throw in a few more books that have really helped me: "Under the Influence" (there are exerpts form it in the "stickies" of the Alcoholism section of SR) and "Getting Them Sober" books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for a few preview chapters of a few of the vols.)
I hope you stay around and join our wonderful group!
You've already gotten some great advice. I'll throw in a few more books that have really helped me: "Under the Influence" (there are exerpts form it in the "stickies" of the Alcoholism section of SR) and "Getting Them Sober" books (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for a few preview chapters of a few of the vols.)
I hope you stay around and join our wonderful group!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 48
Wow!
Thank you all for such positive and kind words directed my way. This is the first time I can communicate truthfully and not have a suffocating feeling that it will cause a fight or worse. I am so tired of trying to keep things on an even keel...taking care of every one except myself. I have a journal that I secretly kept; it details the worst events in my married life. They are individual events that I recorded at the lowest of times and not everyday life, but they are an account of awful things that add up to the pain I am finally facing. I always wondered if this is normal, do people really treat each other this way?
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