DESIGNER

I have a question. I know that I am going through some really tough times right now....starting a new job, breaking up with the xabf and moving here in about a week but I find myself on this wave of emotions. Today I am ok with everything but yesterday I cried like all night long. Even all day yesterday I had to do everything in my power to hold back tears. I was just wondering if this is normal behavior?

I had a talk or should I say a fight with the xabf last night and he basically told me that he has loved me but that he is just not that in love with me anymore. I don't understand how your feelings for someone can change soo drastically in a month if the other person really has not done anything really hurtful to that other person. Last time we broke up he told me the exact same thing and 5 months later he came back to me saying how much he missed me and that he loves me so much and needed the time to miss me to realize that. This time I am just wondering if this is the same thing or has his feelings really changed. He says that he is just a different person now and that he has changed. I know that I am not going to get an answer but it just hurts to know that you have loved someone with all of your heart and soul only for them to just one day pick up his belongings and walk away.

When he left last night I sobbed the entire night. I guess maybe that was just the answer I needed and the release I needed but I am afraid of how I will be tommorrow. I hate feeling this way. I hate the fact that almost 1.5 years later I am going through the same hurt. I believed him last time when he said that he was going to make this work for us and I trusted him with my heart....the one that had finally started to mend after the last time he did this to me.

I know everyones response is going to be that he is an alcoholic and that is what alcoholics do but he is human. He has to know the pain and destruction he is causing me right now. I just don't understand how you can look someone in the eye who has loved you so much and is crying so hard and just say that you don't love that person anymore! I mean this has not just been a normal relationship. I have endured a lot of pain and hurt but yet I stuck by his side when he pleaded with me to not leave and that he would change. I was with him through rehab(I didn't want to but I loved him and I he pleaded for me to stick around) counseling, AA meetings....you name it I was there because I believed that he did love me and I loved him and he just had a problem that I thought that he could overcome.

I guess it would be easier to understand if my xabf was a crappy human being but if you would meet him and talk with him he has a heart of gold. Such a good person and is usually really a sensitive person....doesn't ever raise his voice to me and is such a calm individual.

I am not really looking for answers i guess b/c pretty much I know the answer...and that is is he is an alcoholic and they don't think straight at times. It is just hard to accept that someone so intelligent can't see what he is doing.

I also would love for him to just shed one tear. I have seen no real emotion come from him.....and he does cry....I have seen it. He says that this is not easy for him either and that he is really depressed about it but that he just does not show his emotions like I do.

God I just want to feel normal again. I want to wake up in the morning and feel happy and excited about my life. I know that it will end when I let it end but gosh it is such a tough road right now.

prodigal

My background:
made arrangements to get AH into two inpatient rehabs
drove him to an AA meeting
hounded him to go to AA meetings
spent hours on end explaining him to him
spent hours trying to make him see the light
left him
returned to him
got him to go to three different churches with me
got him to attend a bible study group with me
cried
pleaded
threatened
screamed
hit
hit some more
cried a few more gallons
asked anybody who would listen why he was doing this to me
asked everybody and anybody their opinion
clung to people
chased people out of my life
begged people to come back into my life
trashed my finances
trashed my health
trashed my sanity

He's still drunk. And he had the world by the string. Go figure. A meritoriously decorated Army officer with a graduate degree in engineering from Johns Hopkins. Threw it all away so he could finally "allow" himself the pleasure of getting drunk. Yeah, he thinks he's giving himself the gift that keeps on giving.

I quit asking "why?" a long time ago. It ain't on my side of the street.

SerenitySeaker

Designer,
I feel your pain. I wish I didn't but I do. My husband just one day decided he didn't love me anymore. I was completely caught off guard. Even after everything we had been through I never thought I would hear those words. It kills me to hear that he is doing fine. How can the end of our 9 year relationship not even phase him?

Just now I had to fight the urge not to call him. You know how I overcame my desire to do that despite how strong it was? I prayed. I simply said "God please help me to remember that this is for the best. Give me the strength to remember I am worth more and you brought this into my life for a reason and you are taking it out for a reason" I also said the serenity prayer.

My heart still hurts right now but my urge to call and break the no contact has passed. i have to remember that he puts on the happy act for everyone when deep down there is no way he can live with his miserable self and ever be truly happy. Will he ever realize this is not for me to say.

Yesterday was his birthday. I had to maintain no contact AND sign my divorce complaint with my attorney. It sucked big time.

I have to just keep praying, remember it's not about me, let go and turn it over to my HP.

Keep your chin up Designer. We are all going to be ok.

SerenitySeaker

Something else I always try to remind myself.

I believe he loved/loves me as much as he was/is capable of loving anyone. However, he doesn't love himself so he will never have much to offer anyone in a relationship. He can have a 100 girlfriends and none of them will turn out any better than I did unless they get smarter faster than I did.

Even though it feels impossible now it doesn't mean I have to spend my life in this type of relationship. I deserve more. Someday I will have something better for ME.

Regardless, he has to draw his own conclusions it's not my job to point things out to him.

prodigal

It sounds to me like you have the right approach to this situation. You are entirely correct - it is not your responsibility to point out to him the error of his ways. Consider that liberating. You don't have to figure him out either. You gave him all the love you had to give and he did not value the gift you gave him. Sad, but true. I'm very sorry you are feeling so down in the dumps. I've been in that pit myself.

He has a mess on his hands. All you can do is pray that he'll realize his mess and do something to correct it. Maybe you should consider cutting off ALL contact with him. It sounds like you have done all you can do.

DESIGNER

I do plan on cutting off all connections with him once we are both moved out of this apartment. I will be ok I think that once I get this move over with it will be easier for me.

LaTeeDa

Don't worry too much about whether your behavior is "normal" or not. I was up and down and generally a basket case for most of a year. It's all part of sorting out your own feelings and coming to your own realizations. It is what it is, and if you need to cry, well then cry! Processing is much better for you than stuffing. You may feel like you are losing it, but trust me you will find it again.

L

DESIGNER

Thanks LaTeeDa
It is nice hearing that you had done the same as me.....for the fact that you always seem so strong and level headed when you respond to anyone on this site. I do feel a little crazy at times when I cry this hard. I think that I am a strong person for the most part but it always is nice to hear that others do the same as me.

I am feeling a lot better right now after having an hour long conversation with my best friend. She made me realize that what the xabf is actually saying is good for the both of us. He realizes that we are just not good for each other and that we just won't make it through this.....grhh I wish that I would have been the one to break it off with him....I just feel like the stupid person right now but oh well it is what it is.
She told me about her boyfriend that she had in college. She said that she was devestated when he broke it off with her(not an alcholic). I remember her being so sad about it and 6 months later she ended up meeting her husband and they have been happily married with a little boy.

She said that if she would have stayed with her ex that she would never probably have met her husband and would not be living the life that she is now. She said that you never know what is right around the corner and if I continue to stay in this relationship and try to make it work I may never be single and never be able to meet the person that I am supposed to be with in this life. She also said even though one thing ends it is not as though you can not find a greater love with someone else.

I think that my biggest fear right now is not not being with the xabf but just not having him in my life. I realize that our two hearts just were not meant to be together but it is so hard to love someone for so long and then never talk to him ever again...it is like he is going to die. I have never had to go through this and it just is hard for me to grasp right now. He is important to me and has a lot of great things about him that I will miss. I know that I cannot be friends with him but I really wish that I could....does that make sense? I just know that no contact is the best way for the both of us.

I just need to pray that I will be strong through this and that there is happiness coming to me.:praying

denny57

You will survive Designer, I'm sure of it.

You have a very good friend there. Many of my friends helped see me through this, but I also had one in particular who was there every step of the way.

Be kind to yourself.

Pick-a-name

Is it "normal" behavior? Well,that depends,I guess.... To you and me and most people I know,NO,it is not "normal" behavior,at all. To an active A,I guess maybe it is. Same MO that I got from my AH after 27yrs of marriage....he loved me but decided he wasn't "in love with me" and "wanted to go out and have fun"..... (gee,thanks! ha)

Sorry you are hurting;not fun. I'm still on the roller coaster of emotions,too (and it's been a long haul). Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.